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PMS in the Bible

One day the preacher decided to tell his flock how everything happening today actually has roots in the Bible.

One woman wasn't convinced and after the service approached the preacher. "I don't think what you said is true," she told him. "After all, where does it ever refer to PMS?"

The holy man had to pause on that one. Then, he told her to come back next week for an answer. He had some research to do.

The next week, the preacher gladly welcomed the woman at the door to the church.

"Well, did you find what I was wondering about?" she asked him.

"Yep," he replied. "And PMS was indeed referred to in the Bible. After all, doesn't it say in the story of Jesus' birth that Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way into Bethlehem?!"

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OZ ...

Quayle, Gingrich, and Clinton are traveling in a car together in the Midwest. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away.

When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the Land of Oz. They decide to go see the Wizard of Oz.

Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain!"

Gingrich says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart!"

Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"

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Clinton Q&A

Q. How did Bill reply regarding questions of "coaching" Monica's testimony?

"It wasn't words that I put in her mouth".

Q. Why is Chelsea upset about Zippergate?

Her dad is getting more dates than she is.

Q. Who scored first in the Super Bowl? The Denver Broncos or the Green Bay Packers?

Bill Clinton

President Clinton said to Monica, "I didn't tell you to lie in deposition ...

... I told you to lie in THAT POSITION!"

Q. What's the full title of Hillary's book?

"It Takes a Village ... to Satisfy my Husband"

Realization from another White House intern:

And all that time I thought that humming was the shredder!

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HEARING vs. LISTENING

What a woman says:

"C'mon ... This place is a mess! You and I need to clean. Your pants are on the floor and you'll have no clothes if we don't do laundry now!"

What a man hears:

"C'MON ... blah, blah, blah ... YOU AND I ... blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ... ON THE FLOOR ... blah, blah, blah ... NO CLOTHES ... blah, blah, blah, blah ... NOW!"

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More Clinton Q&A

Q: What was Saddam's advice for President Clinton after news of the sex scandal,

A: "Camels won't talk ... "

Q: Where did Bill Clinton buy the dress for Monica Lewinsky?

A: Seaman's

Q: What movie does Bill Clinton show to seduce White House interns?

A: Free Willy

Q: What was Yasser Arafat's advice to Bill Clinton?

A: "Goats don't talk ... "

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SURVEY SAYS ...

An official Gallup survey polled over 1000 women with the question: Would you sleep with Bill Clinton?

1% said, "No"

2% said, "Yes"

97% said, "Never Again"

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TOP 15 THINGS HEARD COMING FROM THE OVAL OFFICE

15. Are you sure that Al Gore started this way?

14. If this gets out, I'll be ruined.

13. If I can't get this out, *I'll* be ruined.

12. If I could convince Hillary to do that just once ...

11. Now you know why they call me 'Slick Willie'.

10. You took the job as a White House "in-turn" didn't you? Well, now it's your turn.

9. I knew that a lot of things came across your desk, I just never thought that I would be one of them.

8. Somehow, I don't think that Alan Greenspan would explain inflation *that* way.

7. I've always said, "I want to be a 'hands-on' president."

6. When you asked me to look at the presidential pole, I thought you meant the latest Gallup Survey.

5. I thought that all of those notches in your desk were from Socks sharpening her claws.

4. When you said that you had your finger on the pulse of the nation, this isn't exactly what I thought you meant.

3. "Hmmm ... Maybe Chelsea's idea of a sorority slumber party at the White House is a good idea after all ... ."

2, Is this one of the Presidential duties that you said the Paula Jones trial would interfere with, Mr. President ...

1. If you think that's 8 inches, I can see why you thought your last budget was balanced!

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TOP 10 PERKS OF BEING A WHITE HOUSE INTERN

10. You get a great understanding of Domestic Affairs

9. White House Mess takes on whole new meaning

8. Pay is lousy, but hush money is generous

7. Fabulous on the job training

6. First hand knowledge of Presidents commitment to youth

5. More exciting than those boring Americorps sessions

4. Gives new meaning to Gen-X slogan "Rock the Vote"

3. With Chelsea's extra wardrobe, you always have something clean to wear home

2. Learn what it feels like to hold the free world in the palm of your hand

1. Free supply of Bill's special condoms: "Ridged to the 21st Century"

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GAME ---
[This "game" was designed to work in 1998. To make it work for any year, first calculate the current 4-digit year minus 250 (if you've had your birthday already for the current year) or minus 251 (if your birthday is still to come) and use it below. -LYAO Editor]

DON'T Scroll to the bottom yet ... It only takes 30 seconds. Work this out as you read. Again, don't read the bottom, until you have worked it out.

First of all, pick the number of days a week that you would like to go out.

Multiply this number by 2.

Add 5.

Multiply it by 50.

If you have already had your birthday this year, add 1748. If you haven't, add 1747.
[Remember... This one was designed to work in 1998. For any other year, use the number you came up with first (current year minus 250 or 251). -LYAO Editor]

Last step: Subtract the four digit year that you were born. see below:

|
V

|
V

|
V

|
V

|
V

|
V

|
V

|
V

RESULTS:

You should now have a three digit number:

• The first digit of this was your original number
  (i.e. how many times you want to go out each week).
• The second two digits are your age!!!

It really works.

This is the only year [1998] it will ever work with these numbers [the ones supplied], so feel free to spread this around. [Again, use the first numbers you calculated and it will work correctly.]

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Men's Advice to Women

• NEVER buy a 'new' brand of beer because it was on sale.
• If I'm in the backyard, and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean I'm not watching it.
• Don't tell anyone we cannot afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.
• Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.
• Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you need more. It tells us that lingerie is a bad investment.
• Please don't drive when you're not driving.
• If you want us to take out the garbage, you have to let us pack the car.
• The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to brave. He's just not crying. Big difference.
• What do you mean leering? She's 'obstructing my view'.
• When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying 'This is our exit' is not strictly necessary.
• When you're not around, I belch so loudly I even appall myself.
• The temperature of the cave will be my responsibility. It will be lightly to moderately cooler than you want it.
• SportsCenter starts at 10pm. It lasts one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your sister.
• Is it too much to have the bra match the underwear?
• If we see each other in the morning and the evening, why call me at work?
• Two hot-dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
• You probably do not want to know what I'm thinking about.
• Silence does not need to be filled.
• Taking the Cosmo quiz together has never been, nor will it ever be, a good idea.
• No, you cannot have the remote control.

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From Actual Job Resumes (or so I'm told)
[from CIDU]

• I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms.
• Wholly respsonsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
• Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
• It's best for employers that I not work with people.
• Lets meets, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
• You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
• I am a perfectionist and rarely if ever forget details.
• I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
• I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
• I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absoletly nothing.
• My goal is to be meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
• Personal interests: donating blood. Fourrteen gallons so far.
• Insturmental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
• Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job hopping. I have never quit a job.
• Maritial status: Often. Children various.
• Reason for leaving past job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
• The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
• Finished eighth in my class of tem.
• I have a deep knowledge of life due to my experiments with mind altering drugs.
• References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

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"Accident", "Great Loss" or "Tragedy"

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved ... that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer.

"What?" asks Clinton. "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says, "If an airplane carrying Bill & Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a tragedy."

"Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"

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If Microsoft Built Cars

• New seats would require everyone to have same size butt.
• We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas(tm).
• The U.S. Government would be GETTING subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.
• The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.
• Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable, five times as fast, but would only run on 5% of the roads.
• You would constantly be pressured to upgrade your car.
• You could only have one person in you car at a time, unless you bought Cars '95 or Cars NT; but then, you'd have to buy more seats.
• Occasionally, your car would just die for no reason, and you would have to restart it ... For some strange reason, you would just accept this as normal.
• Every time the lines on the road were repainted, you'd have to buy a new car.
• People would get excited about the new features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years. (Hmmmm ... )
• With Cars '95, the steering wheel, paint, and tires would come in an optional 'PLUS!' Pack.
• With Cars '95, stick-shift models would give the following error if you changed gears without depressing the clutch, 'This car has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down' whereupon the engine would stall. Models with 16-bit engines would include an option for a non-functioning 'Ignore' button.

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A Comical Comparison of Computers

The Mac operating system is like the monorail at Disney World. It's kind of spectacular and fun, but it doesn't really go anywhere. You pay a high price for a little bit of fun. But, the kids love it!

VMS is like a Soviet railroad train. It's basically industrial-strength, but when you look at it closely, everything's a little more shabby than you might like. It gets the job done, but there's no grace to it.

Unix is like the maritime transit system in an impoverished country. The ferryboats are dangerous as hell, offer absolutely no protection from the weather, and leak like sieves. Every monsoon season two or three of them capsize and all of the passengers drown, but people still line up for them and crowd aboard.

OS/2 is like a government-operated airline. To board an airplane, you must stand in 10 different lines to get your ticket stamped 10 different times. Your next step is to complete a form indicating where you wish to sit and whether you prefer the airplane to seem like an ocean liner, a freight train, or a passenger bus. If you succeed in boarding the plane, and if the plane succeeds in taking off, you will most likely have a very pleasant excursion. If the rudder and flaps freeze up (it happens), you will have ample time to say your prayers as you wait for the big crash.

MS-Windows is like a Harley-Davidson motorcycle of 20 years ago. It's beautiful to look at and it always attracts lots of attention, but you spend a lot of time on the side of the road working on it while others drive by. You act cocky, but deep inside you wonder if it's worth it!

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LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders - All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
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PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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