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LYAO -
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Gorilla Balls
A guy wakes up one morning and finds a gorilla in his backyard tree. He gets the phone book out and looks for a gorilla removal service. He calls this place and the service man says he can help him out but he needs to know it it's a male or female gorilla. The guy runs out in his back yard, checks out the gorilla, and tells the service guy it's a male gorilla.
"OK, I'll be right there," says the service guy.
An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun and a pair of hand cuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will begin biting the gorilla's testicles. The gorilla will then reach for his testicles to protect himself and that's when you'll snap the handcuffs on."
The man asks, "OK, but what do I do with the shotgun?"
The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."
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The Roadster
A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 1997 Turbo Roadster. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light.
An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
The dude replies, "A 1997 Turbo Roadster. They cost $500,000."
"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"'Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude, proudly.
The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!"
Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 320.
Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! Suddenly, Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him, going two, maybe 3 times as fast!
The guy wonders, "What on earth could be going faster than my Turbo Roadster?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo Roadster? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror! Whoooooooshhhhhhhh ... Ka-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The guy jumps out and it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurt beyond any repair. The guy runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"
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From the Pros
- Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window! --Steve Bluestone
- Have you ever noticed ... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? --George Carlin
- You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is. --Ellen DeGeneres
- I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.--Rita Rudner
- I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. --Sue Kolinsky
- I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. --Carol Leifer
- The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you're off it. --Jackie Gleason
- I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" --Jay Leno
- I dated this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name ... " --Mike Binder
- Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. --Stephen Leacock
- The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. --Roger Simon
- You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough. --Pearl Williams
- I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. --Dave Edison
- If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. --George Gobel
- Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. --Billiam Coronel
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Tough Mice
[PG-14]
Three mice are sitting in a bar talking about how tough they are.
The first mouse slams down a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it's closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams down another shot.
The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those DeCon tablets, cut 'em up and snort 'em just for the fun of it." And with that, he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams down a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"
The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to f-ck the cat."
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Gotcha
One night, a police officer is staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he sees a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, the guy sits in the front seat, fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Everyone else leaves the bar and drives off.
Finally, the guy manages to start his engine and begins to pull away. The police officer is waiting for him. He stops the driver, reads him his rights and administers the Breathalyser test. The results show a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demands to know how that could be.
The driver replies, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
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Doctor, Doctor
At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doc asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.
After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doc interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it.
After the interlude, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back, the male doc says "I bet you are a surgeon."
She confirms and asks how he knew.
"Easy, you're always washing your hands."
She then says "I'll bet you're an anesthesiologist."
Male doc: "Wow, how did you guess?"
Female doc: "I didn't feel a thing."
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Another Bad Day
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day.
So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly asked the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died."
"No problem," said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today, I was going to come home too and catch them. Well, I got there, busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him!
"Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall. I rushed back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted right on him. The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven." and let him in.
A few seconds later, the next guy came up. "OK. Here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."
"Sure thing," the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment, doing my daily exercises; I got a little carried away; and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. All of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts stomping on my fingers. Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, amazed to be alive, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge. It falls directly on top of me and kills me!"
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died," said the angel.
"OK, picture this," says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator ... "
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Ways to Get Rid of Telemarketers
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
*****
If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died ... ." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.
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If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell his name; then ask him to spell the company name; then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.
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This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services ... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"
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Cry out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
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Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
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If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends ... would you be my friend?"
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If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out ... you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"
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Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.
*****
Tell them you work for the same company for which they work.
Example:
Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics." You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."
*****
Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Yeah! Now you know how I feel." (Smiling, of course ... )
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Thoughts to Make you Shiver
From Paul Gilmartin's Web-page: Thoughts to make you SHIVER!
[Editor: or Dreams You Hope You NEVER have! - Some of the following may be considered GROSS by some people. The list seems not to appear on his page, at the moment (03/2006), however, there is a place to submit your own "shiver"...]
- You're sitting on vinyl, cleaning a pile of those tools dentists use to pick your teeth. You're using your tongue and you're in Britain.
- You're sitting in the glass bin of a recycling center, dangling from your nostrils are two Q-tips soaked in Old Spice and you're eating a bratwurst that was warmed in the crack of a plumber's butt.
- You're completely naked except for a mailman's hat, and fenced in with a thousand, toothless dogs.
- You're wearing nipple rings that are tethered to quarter horses, you're watching the Def Comedy Jam and the horses have been trained to gallop whenever they hear "Motherf-cker".
- Your elbows and knees have locked up, you have to make your living shoveling snow and your only tool is a seafood fork.
- Your fever is giving you the chills, you're in a meat locker, sitting on a block of ice, and you can't leave until you win a Slurpee drinking contest.
- You're sitting in the bathtub watching Jeopardy and the T.V. gets nudged closer towards falling in everytime Alex Trebek smugly pronounces anything in French.
- You have to make your living behind the cosmetics counter at Bloomingdale's, you're allergic to everything, you weigh 400 pounds and it's all in your face.
- Somebody has pumped your scrotum full of helium. You're floating 12 feet off the ground, and you're the lead float in a parade to honor the invention of the BB gun.
- You're scuba diving near the Great Barrier Reef, you're hiding from a great white shark and your girlfriend is mouthing what looks like the word "Tampon".
- You're in Branson, Missouri.
- You're hurtling towards earth, fumbling for the ripcord and suddenly you realize it's not your parachute, but a Welcome Back Kotter backpack.
- You're in a bar full of Hell's Angels, they've just ingested a bad batch of PCP and you're dressed like Marilyn Manson.
- You're laying face down and naked on an innertube, being pulled by a tugboat through piranha infested waters and you've got a woody.
- Four feet of your colon is hanging out, you're being chased by hungry wolves and you're wearing platform shoes.
- Someone is taking a cheese grater to your shins, chlorine is dripping in your eye and it won't cease until your absent-minded aunt has described the history behind her favorite ceramic figurines.
- Your feet hurt, you're stranded in a tile store and just as you're about to leave, your mom spots an old friend.
- You're in one of those things that steam hot dog buns, you're wearing itchy contact lenses and reading things that were clipped out of the newspaper by your grandma.
- You faint at the sight of nose hair, you're walking on a beam atop a skyscraper, and just as you think you're near safety, you spot Ed Asner swapping jokes with Jamie Farr.
- You have an incredible fear of heights. You're on the edge of the bungee jumping platform, and just as you fall off, you hear one operator say to the other, "Hey, don't that hook go somewhere?"
- You're glued to a ticking time bomb, your only tool is a nerf hammer, and the disarming instructions are being relayed by JENNIFER TILLY!
- You've got an hour left to file your income taxes. Your only tools are a golf pencil, tax advice from Willie Nelson and the receipts that he keeps in his underwear.
- You're in intensive care in the hospital and somehow the tubes in your nose get hooked up to a wet/dry vac being used to clean up a colostomy spill.
- You've got sand in your eyes, you're straddling a beehive and you're watching every movie ever to come out of France.
- You're in New York. There's a treasure chest full of jewels waiting for you in Los Angeles, but you have to rollerblade across stucco and hanging around your ankles is a depressed Roseanne.
- Stuck in your mouth is the half-cooked snout from a luau pig, and you can't spit it out until a guy who's shaking your hand really hard and wearing too much cologne has told you about all of his motivational tapes.
- You're watching Meet The Press, a dentist is standing by with one of those high-pitched drills and he lowers it onto your teeth every time William F. Buckley's eyelids hang half-open and he uses a word you don't know.
- You're extremely allergic to rotten fruit, it's "Overripe Produce Night" at the Apollo and you're scheduled to perform, "Swing Low Sweet Chariot" with Dick Cavett.
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Patty Black
[A joke from Q95 DJ, Jimmy "Maddog" Matis]
A new girl, Patty Black, was hired at the bank to interview candidates for, and to process loan requests. Her first customer was a frog who wanted a very large loan.
She was very nervous. She asked the frog if he had an account at the bank. The frog said, "No". She asked the frog if he had any collateral. He asked, "Like what?"
She told him, "Like a car or house, or a life insurance policy." The frog said he didn't have any of those, after all, he was just a frog.
She asked, very nervously now, "Well, do you have ANYTHING the bank can use as collateral?"
The frog thought a minute, snapped his fingers, reached into his pocket and pulled out a very small pewter cup and saucer. He handed it to her, and said, "This will do."
She looked at what the frog had put in her hand in disbelief, and said that it definitely was not enough for the size of loan the frog wanted.
He insisted, "Take it to your manager. When he sees this, he'll give me a loan."
Shaking, she approached the loan manager and told him about the frog. When the manager asked her if the frog had an account with the bank, she told him, "No." When the manager asked her if the frog had a house or car for collateral, she shuffled her feet, looked around, and said "No".
He screamed, "Then WHY are you bothering me! Deny him the loan!"
She said that the frog had insisted that she show the manager what he was offering for collateral, and that the frog had said that the he would definitely give him the loan when he saw it. The manager was beside himself, and demanded to see it. Quaking in fear, she opened her hand and showed him the tiny pewter cup and saucer the frog had given her.
Immediately, the manager calmed down and said, "Oh, well in that case, give him the loan!"
She couldn't figure out why the bank would grant a loan on such collateral. She asked the manager what was so special about this cup and saucer.
The manager said, "Obviously, you don't recognize its significance ... (scroll down)
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V|
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V… It's a nic-nac, Patty Black, give the frog a loan!"
(I can hear you groaning already!).
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Radar Reading - 300MPH
A snippet spotted in Pilot Magazine and entered in Bike Magazine: The article was entitled "In a hurry are we, sir?" (British Police Wit).
Two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on the Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an unexpected reading of well over 300 mph.
The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Harrier hurtled over their heads. The boys in blue, upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might well have been more severe. The Harrier's target-seeker had locked on to the 'enemy' radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack. Luckily(?) the Harrier was operating unarmed.
...
Gee Officer, sorry about your patrol car ...
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[CMA STATEMENT:
WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.
THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.
IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.
IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.
AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
-LYAO Editor]
*****
Hidden Signs of Dating
The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those tiny giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize - and decode - these key "signs."
Woman won't unlock car door for man
- Doesn't engage in oral sex.
Man gets in car without opening door for woman
- No foreplay.
Can't hail a cab
- Impotent.
Insists on going to a brand new restaurant
- Prefers virgins.
Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way
- Is a virgin.
Insists on going to a romantic, candlelit restaurant
- Compulsive Don Juan.
Insists in going to a homey little cafe with windmill motif
- Compulsive Don Quixote.
Insists on going to a Polynesian bar
- Compulsive Don Ho.
Wants to go to a French Restaurant
- Will swallow.
Wants to go to a deli
- Won't swallow.
Uses Sweet n' Low
- Wearing falsies.
Takes too long deciding what to order
- Has trouble reaching orgasm.
Orders salad dressing on the side
- Will give you a hand job but will not go "all the way."
Gives explicit orders to waiter
- Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed.
Asks for extra rolls
- Will say she's using birth control when she's not, will get pregnant and sue.
Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as "The lady will have ... "
- Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't.
Asks for "the usual"
- Insists on missionary position only.
Asks what the specials are
- Will want you to use handcuffs.
Fills up on bread and crackers
- Premature ejaculator.
Doesn't finish everything on plate
- Has already come.
Insists on having some of whatever you ordered
- Will make you sleep on wet spot.
Changes mind after ordering
- Will never call you.
Changes tables
- Nymphomaniac.
Drinks decaf
- Fakes orgasms (female).
Orders in French
- Fakes orgasms (male).
Sends food back
- Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, then try to borrow money.
Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts
- Needs you to talk dirty during sex.
Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers
- Wants a handjob.
Orders a dessert involving nuts
- Castrating bitch.
Wants to split dessert
- Is dying to get rid of her apartment, move in with you, rearrange all your closets, and take down all your baseball posters.
Credit card is refused
- Low sperm count.
Undertips waiter
- Small penis.
Undertips parking valet
- Small penis.
Undertips cabbie
- Small penis.
Uses toothpick
- Is trying to tell you size isn't everything.
Removable cassette player in car
- Pull outs repeatedly during sex.
Cellular phone in car
- Penile implant.
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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