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LYAO -

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New Police Unit

The Western Australian Police have just launched a new unit that roves around dealing with trouble spots. It was launched on New Year's Eve with an assignment to control crowds at a large concert; it made the TV news, with an officer proudly saying they were the: Police "Fast Action Response Team" ... (Gotta love that acronym.)

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Dating 001

I went out with my girlfriend and asked her, "Why is it every time I go out with you, I end up spending hundreds of dollars?"

"Because I'm a prostitute."

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Auto Upgrade

A man walks into an auto parts store and says, "I'd like a rear view mirror for my Yugo."

The man behind the counter thinks about this for a while, then says, "Yup, seems like a fair trade to me."

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I'm Glad I'm A Man

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west

I don't get wasted after only 2 beers
And when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear,
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair

And I don't go around checking my reflection
In everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early
Then when you ask "why", get all bitter and surly.

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back
I don't carry our differences into the sack.

I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
Or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too
I know what the time is and I know what to do.

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
To have these two balls and stand when I pee
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball
It's more fun than dealing with women after all

I won't cry if you figure out it's not going to work
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.

Yes, I'm glad I'm a man, a man you see
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise

I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!

***

I'm Glad I'm A Woman

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions

I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
And I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut

And I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
Or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack

And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
To have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal

I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
Stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
Then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
You can forget all about that old penis envy
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick

I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

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Girlfriend Upgrade

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0 and it's a memory hogger, It has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw.

Some features I'd like to see in the Upcoming GirlFriend4.0 ...

• A "Don't remind me again" button
• Minimize button
• Shutdown feature
• An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)

I tried running Girlfriend2.0 with Girlfriend1.0 still installed. They tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend1.0, but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.

Another thing that sucks in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supported hardware with gold plated contacts.

***** IMPORTANT BUG WARNING WITH WIFE 1.O *****

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

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[CMA STATEMENT:

WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.

THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.

IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.

IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.

AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

-LYAO Editor]

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THE MANS GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH
(What a woman says = real meaning)

We need

= I want

It's your decision

= The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want

= You'll pay for this later.

We need to talk

= I need to complain

Sure ... go ahead

= I don't want you to.

I'm not upset

= Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're ... so manly

= You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You are certainly attentive tonight

= Is sex all you ever think about?

I am not emotional! And I'm not overreacting!

= I'm on my period.

Be romantic, turn out the lights

= I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient

= I want a new house.

I want new curtains

= and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper ...

I need wedding shoes

= The other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.

Hang the picture there

= NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise

= I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me?

= I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me?

= I did something today you're really not going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute

= Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

Is my butt fat?

= Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate

= Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!?

= [Too late, you're dead.]

Yes

= No

No

= No

Maybe

= No

I'm sorry

= You'll be sorry.

Do you like this recipe?

= It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.

Was that the baby?

= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

I'm not yelling!

= Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

All we're going to buy is a soap dish

= It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and ... OMIGOD those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

The answer to "What's wrong?"

The same old thing

= Nothing

Nothing

= Everything

Everything

= My PMS is acting up

Nothing, really

= It's just that you're such an @$$!*#!$!!

I don't want to talk about it

= Go away, I'm still building up steam

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THE WOMAN'S GUIDE TO MEN'S ENGLISH
(What a man says = real meaning)

I'm hungry

= I'm hungry.

I'm sleepy

= I'm sleepy.

I'm tired

= I'm tired.

Do you want to go to a movie?

= I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I take you out to dinner?

= I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I call you sometime?

= I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

May I have this dance?

= I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Nice dress!

= Nice cleavage!

You look tense, let me give you a massage

= I want to fondle you.

What's wrong?

= I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.

What's wrong?

= What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

What's wrong?

= I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

I'm bored

= Do you want to have sex?

I love you

= Let's have sex now.

I love you, too

= Okay, I said it ... we'd better have sex now!

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair

= I liked it better before.

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair

= $50 and it doesn't look that much different!

Let's talk

= I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

Will you marry me?

= I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

(While shopping) I like that one better

= Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

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Stuff Him

A married guy was out getting a little "strange stuff" when he suffered a massive heart attack and died ...

The undertaker called his wife as he was preparing the body, saying, "Your late husband died with a tremendous erection that we can't get to go away. What would you like us to do?"

To which she replied, "Somehow, that doesn't surprise me ... Cut it off and stuff it in his a--."

When she went to view the body, she noticed a somewhat pained expression on her deceased husband's face as he lay in the casket. Bending over him she said softly, "Hurts, doesn't it?"

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Shipwrecked

A man and his dog are shipwrecked on a deserted island. After a few days, he decides to take the dog and reconnoiter the island. He discovers that the only other inhabitants are sheep. He recalls how his farm buddies would brag how they would screw sheep for kicks and he says to himself, "I'll never be that desperate."

Sooooo, a few weeks later he can't get those sheep out of his mind, and soon he's sneaking up on the flock. Just as he is about to pounce on a really cute one, the dog grabs his leg and won't let go. He snaps out of it, and thanks the dog for keeping him from making a fool of himself.

This same scene happens every night for a month and the guy starts to get really pissed at the dog. Then one day, the man spies a life-raft bobbing in the surf. In the raft is a beautiful young girl, barely alive. He takes her back to his hut, revives her and nurses her to health. After a few days the girl is feeling fine, and that evening a rush of gratitude sweeps over her ...

She confronts the man: "I owe you my life. I'm yours forever. I'll do anything you want."

"Anything?"

"Anything!!"

"OK, hold that dog for ten minutes!!!"

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LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders - All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers, fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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