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LYAO -
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Kids' School Excuses ...
- Please excuse Diane from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
- Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.
- Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
- John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
- Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
- Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
- My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.
- Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.
- My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.
- Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.
- Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
- Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.
- Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.
- George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
- Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
- Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
- Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
- Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(*crossed out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the sh-ts.
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Actual Typos from Church Bulletins from Around the Country ...
- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 P.M. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at side entrance.
- The 1998 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 to May 11.
- Pastor is on vacation. Massages may be given to church secretary.
- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
- Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
- The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
- The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Have Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
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News item ... Biblical Scandal
Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshipper.
The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time," that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child."
In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed," and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily."
An independent counsel, Kenneth Beazulbub, immediately filed a brief with the Justice Department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as the "Wise Men."
Beazulbub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair. Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beazulbub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal.
In recent months, Beazulbub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorra was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.
If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers.
Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10 "Commandments," which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.
And so it goes ...
REMEMBER YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST :)
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[CMA STATEMENT:
WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.
THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.
IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.
IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.
AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
-LYAO Editor]
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Medical Plans
A man and woman are at the hospital, delivering their first baby. After sitting in the waiting room for what seemed like an eternity, the man became bored and decided to wander around the hospital.
While wandering down one hall, the man happened to glance into a patient's room. He was shocked to see a male patient standing nude in the middle of his room masturbating like the world was ending.
The man quickly hurried off to find a doctor. He located one and asked why they allowed this to happen. The doctor replied that the patient had a rare condition that caused his body to produce a huge amount of sperm, and if he didn't masturbate constantly, his testicles would explode.
The man resumed his walk. A few doors down he glanced into another room and saw an attractive nurse giving a patient a blow job.
He hurried back to the doctor and again asked what the deal was. The doctor replied that the man suffered from the same condition, but he had a better medical plan.
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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