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LYAO -
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Bad Day - Motorcycle/Toilet
[Urban Legend Alert - Very Doubtful - see http://www.snopes.com/embarrass/accident/toilet.asp]
So you think you're having a bad day? The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband lying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered.
The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife up-righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin.
The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself.
She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.
Now THAT is a bad day ...
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Pharmacy Condoms
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store, laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey; there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.
The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?
So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."
Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.
About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies, "Your house."
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Nun-Sensical
[WARNING - not enough for CMA warning, but NOT a Kid-Friendly Joke,
especially with the Seven Dwarves involved!]
The Pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.
"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" asked Dopey.
"No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "There are not."
Dopey questions, "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?"
"No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "There are no dwarf nuns in Italy."
"Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "Are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
"No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "There are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
And softly, in the background the six remaining dwarves start chanting, "Dopey slept with a penguin, Dopey slept with a penguin."
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Fowl-Mouthed Parrot
The Reverend Lars Anderson, pastor of South Branch's Bethlehem (Swedish) Lutheran Church, spent several years in the U.S. Navy. It wasn't during wartime, so it was a real pleasant stint because he was on a ship that often docked on the tropical islands in the South Pacific.
During that time, Pastor Lars developed a love for exotic tropical birds -- especially the ones that talked. Just recently, he bought himself a parrot down at the Fridley Pet Store, and was pretty excited about it until the problems started.
The bird hadn't talked at all the first 3 weeks, but Lars thought that was just part of being in a new place. Then one night when the church Board of Trustees was meeting at Lars' house, the parrot cut loose with a 10 minute stream of swear words that turned the air blue, and shocked the trustees to death! I mean, there were words that would make a veteran sailor turn red as a beet!
Pastor Lars was so totally embarrassed that he didn't know what to do, so he locked the bird in a closet at the back of the house.
Well, Mrs. Larson didn't know this had happened and she let the bird out the next afternoon when the church Dorcas Society was quilting in her front room. It was a repeat performance, and the ladies nearly fainted!
Now Lars is pretty imperturbable, but he totally lost it when he got home and heard about the parrot's latest transgression. He grabbed the bird and threw him into the freezer. For the first few seconds, there's a terrible din.
The bird kicks, claws, and thrashes around. Then it suddenly gets VERY quiet. So Lars thinks the bird may be hurt, and after a couple minutes of silence, he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbed onto Lars's arm and said, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you, parson. I'll do my best to clean up my vocabulary from now on!"
Well, you could have knocked Lars over with a feather. He couldn't understand the transformation that miraculously had come over the parrot ... until the parrot said, "By the way -- what did the chicken do?"
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God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.
Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
[Please note: The following (up to "Thank You") is in Fixed Font format to make it appear correctly. However, because of this, it may not, depending on your screen resolution. -LE]
- How did you find out about God?
__ Newspaper __ Television
__ Divine Inspiration __ Word of mouth
__ Near Death Experience __ Bible
__ Torah __ Other (specify): _____________
- Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?
Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot __ Lottery
__ Horoscope __ Television
__ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers
__ Self-help books __ Sex
__ Biorhythms __ Alcohol or drugs
__ Mantras __ Insurance policies
__ Other: _____________________
__ None
- God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
- More Divine Intervention
- Less Divine Intervention
- Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
- Don't know
- God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following:
(1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
- Disasters (flood, famine, earthquake, war)
1 2 3 4 5
- Miracles (rescues, spontaneous remission of disease, sports upsets)
1 2 3 4 5
- Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):
__________________________________________________
__________________________________________________
__________________________________________________
__________________________________________________
__________________________________________________Thank you!
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Sick Husband
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely and will have a chance to live."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
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Presidential Comparisons
Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed
The President's biggest fear ...
Nixon: The Cold War
Clinton: The Cold Sore
Complaints toward the President ...
Nixon: Carpet-Bombing
Clinton: Carpet-Burns
Their Vice-Presidents ...
Nixon: His was Greek
Clinton: His is a Geek
Presidential qualities ...
Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her
Things the President couldn't explain ...
Nixon: The missing 18-minutes on the tapes
Clinton: The 36D bra in his briefcase
Presidential Nicknames ...
Nixon: Tricky Dick
Clinton: Slick Willy
and finally, Presidential excuses ...
Nixon: I am not a crook
Clinton: I didn't get in her nook
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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