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LYAO -
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Top Ten Unusual Comments on Monica Lewinsky's Intern Performance Report
10. Truly an eager beaver.
9. Uses too much teeth.
8. Stays late, comes early.
7. Excellent oral dictation skills: has never missed a period.
6. Great attitude! Willing to accept a heavy load.
5. Frequently complains of jaw pain.
4. Although not a whiner, tends to be a moaner.
3. "In box" is always clean and shiny.
2. Tends to blab on the telephone.
And the best thing the President had to say about her ...
1. This intern may suck, but she doesn't inhale.
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My Favorite Things -- The Bill Clinton version
(to the tune "My Favorite Things"
from "The Sound of Music")
B-Js and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and french fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes Willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite thingsSusan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite thingsBeating the draft board and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite thingsGolfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Falling down drunk that required knee surgery
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite thingsMeeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite thingsWhen that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad
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Amish in the Mall
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
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Marriage
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got two girlfriends.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives.
In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner
and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!"
The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it
because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Love is blind
but marriage is an eye-opener.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday:
Forget it once.
Cosmetics:
A woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.
Words to live by:
Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
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Smokin' Hold-Out
A man called into a local radio station and told the "morning guys" that his wife had given him an ultimatum: Until he quit smoking, he wasn't going to get any sex.
They asked him, "How long do you think you'll be able to hold out?"
Reply: "Until my girlfriend dies."
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Medical Payment
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?"
"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."
"Do you have any close relatives, then?"
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he replied, "but she's a spinster nun."
"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married to God."
"Okay," the man said with a smile, "then bill my brother-in-law."
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Senate Investigation
Reporter: But Senator, what have you to say to the problem of young Miguel, only 12 years old, who has to hustle on the sidewalk to sell his 15-year-old sister?
Senator: How much is the sister?
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Picky Woman
A guy asks an LA girl out on a date after meeting her in a bar. She says, "What kind of car do you drive?"
He replies " A VW Bug."
She scornfully says, "That's awfully small!" and he replies,
"Don't worry. I'm not going to screw you with the car."
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Flighty Blonde
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the copilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
The copilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so."
Surprised, the flight attendant and the copilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
He said, "I told her that the first class section wasn't going to New York."
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Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest
Three businessmen were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.
The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge big enough to keep it in."
The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"
The third, a blonde male, nods sagely and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every time I think of it," he chuckles. "My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bags, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. But she doesn't even have a penis!"
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Medicine Tutorial
"Air goes in and out ... Blood goes 'round and 'round ... any deviation to this is considered a BAD thing!"
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CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
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