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LYAO -
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Kids Say the Darndest Things, Part 1
Letters to God From Children
Dear God, In Sunday school they told us what you do. Who does it when you are on vacation? -Jane
Dear God, I read the bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me. -Love, Alison
Dear God. Are you really invisible or is that just a trick -Lucy
Dear God, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? -Anita
Dear God, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident. -Norma
Dear God, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones why don't you just keep the ones you got now? -Jane
Dear God, Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan
Dear God, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil
Dear God, What does it mean you are a jealous God. I thought you had everything. -Jane
Dear God, Did you really mean do unto others as they do unto you, because if you did then I'm going to fix my brother. -Darla
FERVENT WISHES, SUGGESTIONS & COMPLAINTS
Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce
Dear God, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. -Your friend. But I am not going to tell you who I am
Dear God, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -Tom L.
Dear God, Please send me a pony. I never ask for anything before you can look it up -Bruce
Dear God, If you give me genie lamp like Alladin I will give you anything you want except my money or my chess set. -Raphael
Dear God, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. -Danny
Dear God, Please send Dennis Clark to a different camp this year. -Peter
Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry
Dear God, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. -Sam
APPROVALS, CONFIDENCES & THANKS
Dear God, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. -Dean
Dear God, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. -Ruth M.
Dear God, I think about you sometimes even when I'm not praying -Elliott
Dear God, I bet it is very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan
Dear God, Of all the people who work for you I like Peter and John the best. -Rob
Dear God, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. -Marsha
Dear God, If you watch in church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes. -Mickey D.
Dear God, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. -Love, Chris
Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School they said you did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. -Sincerely, Donna
Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know but I am not just saying that because you are God. -Charles
Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool. -Eugene
Dear God, I don't ever feel alone since I found out about you. -Nora
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Kids Say the Darndest Things, Part 2
The following questions were asked of kids, ages 5-9:
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?
84! Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore and you can spend all your time loving each other. --Judy, 8
Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife! --Tom, 5
THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. --Lynette, 9
It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble. --Kenny, 7
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE:
I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful. --Harlen, 8
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:
Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life. --Roger, 9
If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long. --Leo, 7
ARE LOOKS IMPORTANT?
If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful. --Jeanne, 8
It isn't always how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything, and I haven't got anyone to marry me yet. --Gary, 7
Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time. --Christine, 9
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:
I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when "The Simpson's" is on television. --Anita, 6
Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was 5, but the girls keep finding me. --Bobby, 8
HOW WILL LOVE ENDURE?
Don't forget your wife's name. That will mess up the love. --Roger, 8
Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash. --Randy, 8
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Just Three Words
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition." Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.
He looked into her eyes, and slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house."
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Yogi Speak
These quotes are all attributed to Yogi Berra:
- "I didn't really say everything I said."
- "I usually take a two hour nap from one to four."
- At Yogi Berra day in St Louis 1947, "I want to thank you for making this day necessary."
- "If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be."
- "It ain't over 'til it's over."
- "It's deja vu all over again."
- "Never answer an anonymous letter."
- "When you come to a fork in the road, take it."
- "You can observe a lot by watching."
- When asked, "What time is it?" Yogi answered, "You mean now?"
- Yogi called the 1969 NY Mets "overwhelming underdogs."
- "If the people don't want to come out to the ballpark, nobody's going to stop them."
- On why NY lost the 1960 series to Pittsburgh, Yogi said, "We made to many wrong mistakes."
- "It gets late early out here."
- "The future ain't what it used to be."
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Drug Dealers and Software Developers: Coincidence?
Drug dealers: refer to their clients as "users."
Software developers: refer to their clients as "users."
DD: "The first one's free!"
SD: "Download a free trial version ... "
DD: Have important South-East Asian connections to help move the stuff)
SD: Have important South-East Asian connections (to help debug the code).
DD: Strange jargon: "Stick," "Rock," "Dime bag," "E."
SD: Strange jargon: "SCSI," "RTFM," "Java," "ISDN."
DD: Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
SD: Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
DD: Job is assisted by the industry's producing newer, more potent mixes.
SD: Job is assisted by industry's producing newer, faster machines.
DD: Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers.
SD: Often seen in the company of venture capitalists.
DD: Their product causes unhealthy addictions.
SD: DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D. 'Nuff said.
DD: Do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you.
SD: Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!
--Collected by Thom Monticue
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TOP 50 OXYMORONS
50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline Food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42. Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. British fashion
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
31. Butt Head
30. Military Intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. New classic
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then ... "
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Christian Scientists
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct Life
16. Temporary tax increase
15. Computer jock
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance
1. Microsoft Works
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AssCons
We all know those little computer symbols called "emoticons" or "Smileys", where ":)" means a smile and ":(" is a frown. Sometimes "noses" are added, and these are represented by ":-)" and ":-(", respectively. Well, how about some "ass cons"?
Here goes:
[Please note: The following (up to "Consider yourself ...") is in Fixed Font format to make it appear correctly. However, because of this, it may not, depending on your screen resolution. -LE]
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_._) a flat ass
(_^^^_) a bubble ass
(_*_) a sore ass
(_!__) a lop-sided ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_O_) an ass that's been around even more
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_o^^^o_) a wise ass
(_13_) an unlucky ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
***
[NOTE: The following only works correctly with Fixed-Width fonts.
ooo*"""**ooooo. .ooooo**"""*ooo
.oo*" "*oo.oo*" "*oo.
o" "o" "o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
p o q
o \o/ o
o --O-- o
o. /o\ o
o o o
oo o oo
oo o oo
oo. ooo oo
ooo. .ooo. ooo
"o ""oo,,,,,, ,,oO'-'Oo,, ,,,,,,oo"" o"
o. """""" ooo """""" .o
'o ooo o'
o ooo o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
Consider yourself E-mooned!
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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