![Welcome to LYAO-Online [Banner]](images/edged-lyao-banner.gif)
LYAO -
----------
The Watch
Jake, the inventor, is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?"
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.
Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out!" and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolises. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese.
Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city".
The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding. The stranger is struck dumb with admiration.
"That's not all," says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons, and a tiny, but very hi-resolution, map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten," Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York State.
"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says the inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books," though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake.
"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."
"I'll give you $1000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than ... "
"I'll give you $5000 for it!"
"But it's just not … "
"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15 000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it."
Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station.
"Don't forget your batteries."
----------
Two Dogs
There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead". They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.
A guy at the door says, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."
The guy at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"
----------
Think About What You're Wishing for
A man walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared.
"I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But there is one condition; I am a lawyer's genie. That means that for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the same wish as well -- only double."
The man thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced. Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited.
"But every lawyer in the world has just received $20,000,000," the genie said.
"I've always wanted a Ferrari," the man said. "That's my second wish."
Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "But every lawyer in the world has just received two Ferraris," the genie said.
"And what is your last wish?"
"Well," said the man, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant."
-----------
Sisters of Mercy
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway in Nevada when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign on the door: SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door"
He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.
----------
Last Request
Father O'Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always did, when Mary Clancy approached him, in tears. "What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady.
"Oh, father, I've got terrible news," replied Mary. "My husband passed away last evening."
"Oh, Mary, that's terrible, said the Father, as he trued to console her. "Tell me, my dear, did your husband have any last requests?"
"Well, yes he did father," replied Mary.
"And what did he ask, Mary?" probed the Father.
"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun ... '"
----------
Lawyers
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
***
It was so cold last winter ...
(How cold was it?)
... I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
***
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
***
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said, 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"
----------
Women's Compact Instruction Book
- Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
- Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
- Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.
- What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
- So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
- If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.
- Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
- Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be let out alone.
- The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks. (Personally I think the dancing is debatable on most men).
- Never sleep with a man who's named his willy.
- Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
- A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.
- Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
- Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
- Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
- The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
- Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
- If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital.
- The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.
- If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.
- A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, 'oh alright, I'll stay the night".
- Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.
- Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
- If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.
- Sadly, all men are created equal.
- When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar".
- The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of a 'former boyfriend".
- There are two significant influences in a man's life and they are both his mother.
- There are a lot of words that you can use to describe - strong, caring, loving - they'd be wrong - but you could still use them.
----------
Dogfight
At the height of the arms race, the Americans and Russians realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund
----------
Barney (Cute Purple Dinosaur?)
Everyone knows Barney ... that cute purple dinosaur. But here's something that you may not know:
- Start with the given: CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR
- Change all U's to V's
(which is proper Latin anyway): CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR- Extract all Roman Numerals: CV V L DI V
- Convert these into Arabic values: 100 5 5 50 500 1 5
- Add these numbers up: 100 + 5 + 5 + 50 + 500 + 1 + 5 = 666
There you have it: A mathematical proof that Barney is the Antichrist!
----------
What Am I?
This useful tool is commonly found in the range of 6-8 inches long, the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes. It is usually found hung, dangling loosely ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is quickly inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and from its long glistening shaft.
After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.
(See Below)
|
V|
V|
V|
V|
V|
VBy now, you should have guessed what it is. It's ... a toothbrush. (I know what you were thinking ... you little pervert!)
----------
The Greatest Man Who Ever Lived
A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asks the class, "Who was the greatest man that ever lived?"
A girl raises her hand and says, "I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country."
The teacher replies, "Well ... that's a good answer, but that's not the answer I am looking for."
Another young student raises his hand and says, "I think Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the civil war."
"Well, that's another good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for."
Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, "I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived."
The teacher's mouth drops open in astonishment. "Yes!" she says, "that's the answer I was looking for." She then brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop.
Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as he is licking his lollipop. He says, "Why did you say, 'Jesus Christ'?"
The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, "I know it's Moses, and YOU know it's Moses, but business is business."
----------
Flight Announcement
I was waiting for a flight in the Dallas airport, when the American Airlines attendant announced this:
"Good afternoon. We will soon be ready to board flight ____ for _____. For our snack this afternoon, you will enjoy the choice of peanuts, peanuts, or peanuts. Parents, please be advised that all screaming children must be stored in the overhead bins."
----------
Blondes will be Blondes
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.
"I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
----------
Mom's Dictionary - Abridged Edition
APPLE -- Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcake
BABY -- (1) Dad, when he gets a cold. (2) Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.
BATHROOM -- a room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.
BECAUSE -- Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.
BED AND BREAKFAST -- Two things the kids will never make for themselves.
CHINA -- Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables.
COOK -- (1) Act of preparing food for consumption. (2) Mom's other name.
----------
At The Winter Olympics?
Three guys, one Chinese, one French, and one Mexican wanted to watch the Olympics but didn't have any money to buy tickets. The Chinese guy suddenly gets an idea and went home to fetch his bicycle.
He rode up to the security guard at the gate and yells, "China, bicycling! Hurry, let me in, I'm late!" The guard, not wanting to jeopardize his job, lets the Chinese guy through.
Seeing that this idea worked, the French guy runs home and grabs a long pole and runs back to the security guard and yells, "France, pole vaulting! Let me in, I'm late!" The security guard lets the French guy through.
Seeing how great their ideas were, the Mexican runs home and grabs a chain link fence, wraps the fence around his body and hops up to the security guard and yells, "Mexico, fencing!"
----------
Real Country & Western Song Titles
- My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
- My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
- My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was
- Breaking My Heart
- My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
- She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft; She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
- Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
----------
Quote of the Day
If you don't live on the edge, you can't see the view.
----------
Airplane Crash
There is report of a 2 seater private plane which crashed into a large cemetery in Poland.
The Polish Fire Dept has reported recovering over 300 bodies and are still digging ...
----------
Opinions
A doctor and his wife were having an argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" the doctor shouted and stormed out of the door off to work. By midmorning he decided that he would try to make amends and called home. After many rings his wife finally picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed"
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"I was getting a second opinion"
----------
Crossword Mania
Did you hear about the guy who did crosswords every day of his life dying?
They buried him six feet down ... and three across.
----------
Foxy Roxy
This man comes home after work. His wife meets him at the door, and slaps him across the face!
The man asks, "What's that for?"
The wife says, "I found a note in your pants with the name "Foxy Roxy" on it."
The man says, "I went to the track the other day. That was the name of the horse I bet on ... and I made a lot of money, too!"
The wife feels so bad that she immediately gives him a blow job, fixes him a great dinner, and screws his lights out when they go to bed. In the morning she fixes him a great breakfast before he goes to work, and sends him off with love and kisses.
That night, when he walks in the door, his wife is waiting for him, and again slaps him across the face!
The man says, "What did I do this time?"
The wife says, "Your horse called today!!"
----------
[CMA STATEMENT:
WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.
THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.
IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.
IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.
AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
----------
Bar Talk
This guy walks into a bar. He realizes it's a gay bar, but thinks, "What the heck, I really want a drink."
The gay waiter approaches and asks, "What's the name of your penis?"
The customer says, "Look, I'm just not into that. All I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis."
So the customer turns to the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"
The gentleman, with a smile, looks back and says, "TIMEX."
The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, "'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"
A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity Margarita. "So, what do you call your penis?"
The other gentleman turns to him and proudly exclaims "FORD."
The customer thinks about how this naming thing works and says, "Because quality is Job 1..?"
The gentleman replies, "No. Let me ask you: Have you driven a Ford, lately?"
Even more shaken, the customer has to think for several moments before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'Secret'. Now give me my beer."
The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why 'Secret'?"
The customer replies, "Strong enough for a man but made for a woman."
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
-----
If you are not on my LYAO Mailing List (and those who are know who you are),
you have probably received this LYAO
as a forward from one of your friends who ARE on my mailing list,
or from a friend who sent an archived LYAO from the LYAO-Online website.
Don't Blame ME! ;-)
If you are not on the mailing list and wish to be included, or are on it and wish to be removed,
send an email to
and your wish will be granted immediately.
NOTE: The LYAO Mailing List is mine and mine alone. No one else has access to it, and no one will.
It will never be sold to anyone. (ie: Anything promoted on LYAO
will have to "go through me".)
