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LYAO -
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Top Ten Things That Will Be Different When Microsoft Starts Building Cars
10) The stereo system will only be able to listen to Microsoft FM and play Microsoft cassettes.
9) Oil ... gas ... and temperature gauges replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.
8) To turn on the air conditioner, you'll have to shut the car down for two minutes and restart it.
7) Occasionally, your car will stop and fail to restart, and you ll have to reinstall the engine to get it going again.
6) When you call the service department, they'll tell you it's not their fault and blame it on the company that made the tires.
5) Before the air bag deploys ... it will ask "Are you sure?"
4) To make right turns, you'll have to upgrade to Microsoft Steering Wheel 2.0.
3) Apple will make a car that's faster ... more reliable ... and easier to drive ... but it will only run on five percent of the roads.
2) If you can't afford to buy a new car, you can just borrow one from a friend and copy it.
And the number one thing that'll be different when Microsoft starts building cars ...
1) If you're involved in a crash, you'll have no idea why.
List credited to: Forester Dave
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What Did You Say?
A bus stopped and two Italian men got on. They sat down together, and engaged in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignored their conversation at first, but her attention was galvanized when she heard one of the men become graphic.
"Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," said the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."
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You Can't Always Get What You Want
When I was in Junior High, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.
In High School, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.
In College, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.
I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.
Now all I want is a girl with large breasts.
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Bumper Snickers
- WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
- If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
- You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
- BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
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The Blanket
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping car of an overnight train between London and Edinburgh. After some initial embarrassment over their situation, they both go to sleep -- the woman in the top berth; the man in the lower berth.
In the middle of the night, the woman leans over the side and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold. I was wondering if you might pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye says "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own damn blanket."
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Vincent Van Gogh's Relatives
After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh (sounds likes "go") had many relatives. Among them were:
- His obnoxious brother ... Please Gogh
- His dizzy aunt ... Verti Gogh
- Her timid husband ... Wye Gogh
- The brother who ate prunes ... Gotta Gogh
- The constipated uncle ... Cant Gogh
- The brother who worked at a convenience store ... Stopen Gogh
- The other brother, in better circumstances ... Escar Gogh
- A clingy cousin ... Dont Gogh
- The cousin from Illinois ... Chicah Gogh
- His magician uncle ... Wherediddy Gogh
- His Mexican cousin ... Amie Gogh
- The Mexican cousin's American half brother ... Green Gogh
- The nephew who drove a stage coach ... Wellsfar Gogh
- The ballroom-dancing aunt ... Tan Gogh
- A sister who loved disco ... Go Gogh
- The bird-lover uncle ... Flamin Gogh
- His nephew psychoanalyst ... E Gogh
- The fruit-loving cousin ... Man Gogh
- An aunt who taught positive thinking ... Wayto Gogh
- The little bouncy nephew ... Poe Gogh
- His niece who travels the country in a van ... Winnie Bei Gogh
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More on Men
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.
Q: What's a man's idea of a romantic evening?
A: A candlelit football stadium.
Q: What's the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
A: One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching itself, and the other's a chimpanzee.
Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: They won't stop to ask directions!
Q: What does PMS stand for?
A: Putting (up with) Men's Stupidity
Q: Why did god make man before woman?
A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy
Q: Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A: When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: Why are men like commercials?
A: You can't believe a word they say.
Q: Why are men like blenders?
A: You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Q: What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
A: When the power goes off.
Q: What do men and women have in common?
A: They both distrust men.
Q: How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
A: Guilt gifts are nicer.
Q: What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A: His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Q: How is a man like the weather?
A: Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
Q: What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
A: One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
Q: What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
A: The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.
Q: Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
A: Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A: They're married.
Q: Why don't men often show their true feelings?
A: Because they don't have any.
Q: What's the difference between government bonds and men?
A: Bonds mature.
Q: What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
A: E.T. phoned home.
Q: Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
A: So men can remember them.
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More on Women
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the sink.
How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ... "
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't ... there's a clock on the oven!
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
Why were shopping carts invented?
To teach women to walk on their hind legs.
Women are like guns …
keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course ... at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what? I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!"
The other replies: "GREAT trade!"
All wives are alike,
but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told!
How many women does it take to paint a wall?
It depends on how hard you throw them.
What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Losing a wife can be hard.
In my case, it was almost impossible.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.
Women are so unreasonable!
My wife gets mad because every Saturday night I take a bath with bubbles in it. I mean, if Bubbles doesn't mind, why should she?
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
Most accidents happen at home.
And the men have to eat them!
Some mornings I wake up grouchy ...
And some mornings I just let her sleep!
Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a women's sex drive by 90 percent ...
Wedding cake!!!
Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
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Blonde Joke
A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object. She asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?"
The clerk replies, "That is a thermos."
The blonde then asks, "What does it do?"
The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold."
The blonde says, "I'll take it!"
The next day, she walks into work with her new thermos.
Her blonde boss sees her and asks, "What is that shiny object you have?"
She said, "It's a thermos."
The boss then says, "What does it do?"
She replies, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?"
The blonde replies, "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."
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[CMA STATEMENT:
WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.
THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.
IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.
IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.
AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
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Man Stuff
How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.
What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.
HUSBAND: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it.
WIFE: You wear briefs, don't you?
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan, and two others to show off and shake the stove.
What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but wearable"
Only a man would buy a $500 car
and put a $4000 stereo in it.
Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Two guys were strolling down the street when one says, "How sad! A dead bird."
The other man looked up and said, "Where?"
Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom?
To keep the swelling down.
What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
What did God say after creating man?
"I can do better."
HUSBAND: Want a quickie?
WIFE: As opposed to what?
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. no mind
2. no business
How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming or how many inches you'll get or how long it'll stay.
Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the sh-t out of you.
What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing. (It doesn't always work!)
Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the decision maker.
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Condom Packages
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.
The father replies, "Well, you see that 3 pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have two for Friday night and one for Saturday night."
The son then asks his father, "Well, what's the 6 pack for?"
The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're in college. You have two for Friday night, two for Saturday night, and two for Sunday morning."
Then the son asks his father what the 12 pack is for.
The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March ... "
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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