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If AOL Were a City

[Remember… This was in 1998, and the email may have originated before that. Some of the references still make sense, but others ...may require you to search them out, if you so desire. Anyone deal with AOL back then and want to translate the following? Also remember that while there was an internet connection, for many, AOL meant Chat and Game Rooms. Please note that in the following, a question mark may be an untranslatable character. -LE]

1. You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name, and all were "hot 17/f cheerleaders" with a fetish for pierced gay Dobermans in spandex. [In chat rooms, many females (50+, BBWs, etc.), and many males (any age), were "hot 17 year old female cheerleaders"... You get the idea?]
2. You'd only pay $19.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.
3. Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99.
4. The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.
5. Hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with special offers, promotions and discounts from www.cybersex4U.com [non-existent or no longer existing site, BTW].
6. The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident.
7. The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.
8. The administration would kick you out of town for cursing after one of those brutal toe stubs.
9. If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how you "really are important you are to us".
10. The administration would tell your boss to either pay up, or move his slack-ass company somewhere else.
11. Everyone on the street would have something to do with kiddy porn, and this business would account for 75% of all city revenue.
12. Every time you went to the mall, people would run up to you and violently scream "M/F??!!, AGE/SEX?!?!" or "g0t PH1SH d3wd?!11" while little kids called your cell phone saying "Wanna F-CK?" [M/F doesn't mean "MutherF-er" in this case… Chat rooms used to be filled with people asking if you were "Male or Female", What's your "Age/Sex", etc. I don't get the other reference. -LE]
13. Those that didn't do that would call you and say " Hi, I'm j0e hax0r from the town council. We had a database crash and lost your tax records. Please give us your address and the key to your house or we will be forced to evict you and your family." [Hmmm… Scammers and Phisher's back then, too, huh?]
14. Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming "WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE"
15. Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh behind your back. [Having an AOL email address/Id was NOT really "a good thing" back then.]
16. Even your 3 year old son would know the intimate personal details of the town security expert.
17. You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation, but that it's really the Earth's f-cking fault.
18. The local McDonalds sign would be realistically changed to "McHax0r Wuz H3r3" and "Gr33tz 2 K}It0sawruz" almost daily. Police don't investigate, but do show up with little scrubby tools, or just remove the sign altogether. [Security was much more lax, back then.]
19. Half the kids in the daycare you use are thinly disguised fat, hairy, drooling, diapered men holding sacks of candy.
20. Your daughter would disappear to the No-Tell Motel every night, and you'd foot the bill.
21. Putting up controversial art in your home would result in the police bashing in your door, throwing your ass on the floor, and kicking the sh-t out of you while saying "Ya got two chances left, d-ckface. ROFLMAO LOL!!"
22. You'd send your kids to school for history, math and science, but they'd wind up studying ph1shing, one-handed typing, and annoying acronyms. [As now, let your kids use the internet for education, and if they (and you) are not careful, they're learning how to scam people. "Annoying acronyms" are still be used, and… uh… YOU can figure out the "one-handed typing" reference, can't you?]
23. You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with crap, and vacate before sunup.
24. The administration would secretly sell off chunks of their personal land in the city, while buying up neighboring cities with imaginary funds.
25. The administration would build a huge, state-of-the-art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly demand money while ripping down the swings and beating the f-ck out of kids currently playing there. [This may be in reference to the free disks/CDs AOL used to (and still does) send in snail-mail.]
26. Don't forget the AOL playground, which is locked, so that the kiddies can not get out "for safety reasons", and then hordes of perverts & pedophiles are allowed in. [Still a problem. Parents can limit where their kids can go on the internet, and may even trust them without "locks", but "perverts and pedophiles" fake their way in… Think the problems "MySpace.com" is having in 2005/2006…]
27. The police would work for free out of some sort of "duty" to the city, but would secretly only be doing it for the free food stamps.
28. Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout. "HEY! YOU DO WANT A G-DD-MN AOL VISA, DON'T YOU?" and when you say, "No", the voice then replies, "OK, I'LL ASK YOU TOMORROW". [Sounds like Spam, to me.]
29. A trip to the local library would find you a few ancient Doom 2 patches, commercial pix of Pamela Anderson Lee, and a viral copy of PkZip 2.04g [Limiting users to their domains, sometimes AOL was "behind the times" of what could/should be available for download. And even then, there were virus problems with many of them.]
30. Community events would be periodically interrupted because of the speaker randomly flying out of the meeting hall and appearing several minutes later with some stupid comment about a Punt Monster. [Chat rooms… Users were "punted" regularly… by accident, by connection problems, whatever.]
31. Your neighbors would be called to leave on pilgrimages to a mystical land called USENET, where they would bleat the virtues of your fair city. [People touted AOL all the time on sites they could get to. I seem to recall rumors of "free" stuff if they did.]
32. Somewhere in another city, David Cassel would be sitting with a telescope trained on City Hall, smiling contentedly. [Cassel seems to have been reporting on AOL problems for some time, even in 1998. In one cached copy of one of his reports, he's described as "writer and AOL Critic". Many of his AOLWatch Newsletters can be found at http://www.aolwatch.org/list/. (If you look at the links behind the scenes of the links to "AOL Watch" items on some of the pages, it was originally "aolsucks.org." There doesn't seem to be much else to this site. For more information about him, see http://www.gettingit.com/author/18]

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Which is the Better Invention?

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, the guy tells Ford, 'Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven.'

So Henry Ford thinks about it and says: 'I want to hang out with Adam, the first man.' -- So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford.

When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, 'Hey aren't you the inventor of woman?'

Adam says: 'Yes.'

'Well,' says Ford, 'You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There is too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much
4. And the intake is too close to the exhaust.'

'Hmmmmm ? ' says Adam, 'Hold on.' So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it.

He then says to Ford, 'It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours.'

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Truisms

• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
• The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
• Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

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Farmer's Computer Talk

• Log On -- Makin' the wood stove hotter.
• Log Off -- Don't add no more wood.
• Hard Drive -- Getting' home in mud season.
• Prompt -- What you wish the mail was in mud season.
• Chip -- What to munch on.
• Micro Chip - What's left in the bag when the chips are gone.
• Infrared -- Where the leftovers go when Fred's around.
• Software -- Them plastic eaten' utensils.
• Apple -- If you don't know what an apple is, I ain't tellin..

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Remembering Henny [Youngman]

• I take my wife everywhere ... but she always finds her way home.
• I haven't talked to my wife in 3 weeks - I didn't want to interrupt her.
• You should have been born in the Dark Ages - you look awful in the light.
• A young man sat opposite me in the subway. He said "Call me a doctor - call me a doctor." I asked "What's the matter, are you sick?". He said "No, I've just graduated from medical school."
• A fellow goes to the psychiatrist who says, "You're crazy." Man replies "I want a second opinion." Psychiatrist says "You're ugly too."
• She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
• Old man goes to the doctor. Doctor says, "You're going to live until you're sixty." The old man says, "But Doctor, I am sixty!" The doctor says, "What did I tell you?"
• A nurse says to the doctor, "The man you just gave a clean bill of health dropped dead outside the office door." The doctor says, "Turn him round, make believe he's coming in."
• I've got this great doctor. He gave a guy six months to live. The guy couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
• I went to my doctor with a sore foot. He promised he'd have me walking within the hour. He did. He stole my car.
• A man walks into a psychiatrist's office and says, "Doc, everyone ignores me." Doctor says, "Next!"
• I got a full examination at the doctor. I said, "Doc, how do I stand?" Doc says "That's what puzzles me."
• I bought my wife an electric oven, electric toaster, electric blender. She says, "There's too many appliances, I have nowhere to sit down," so I bought her an electric chair.
• My wife wanted to go somewhere she's never been before. I suggested the kitchen.
• Today's my 40th anniversary. Imagine. In love with the same woman for 40 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!
• The secret of our successful marriage is, twice a week, we go to a nice restaurant. A little wine, some nice food …. I go Tuesday, she goes Thursday.
• I go to my doctor's office. He says go to the window and stick out your tongue. I say, "Why?" He says, "I'm mad at the guy next door."
• The doctor says, "Take off your clothes." I say, "Buy me dinner first."
• Fellow walks into the psychiatrists office, the doctor says, get on the couch. He says, "I'm an automobile repairman." Doctor says, "OK, get UNDER the couch."
• "A guy comes up to me and says, 'I haven't eaten in two days.' I told him, 'Force yourself.'"
• "I didn't sleep well last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother, and I was a bottle baby."
• "A guy calls his lawyer. He says, 'Can I ask you two questions?' Lawyer says, 'What's the second one?'"
• "This guy asked his doctor, 'Will I be able to play the piano after my operation?' And the doctor says 'Sure.' And the guy says, 'Funny, I couldn't do it before.'"
• "I just came from a pleasure trip -- took my mother-in-law to the airport."
• "Two guys in a gym, one putting on a girdle. One guys says, 'Since when have you been wearing a girdle?' Other guy says, 'Since my wife found it in the glove compartment of our car.'"
• "My doctor told me I was fat. I said I wanted a second opinion. He said, 'OK, you're ugly, too.'"
• "I live about four muggings from Central Park."
• "Take my wife, please."

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Just a Story to Make You Smile
[Inspirational Story Alert]

John Blanchard stood up from the bench, straightened his Army uniform and studied the crowd of people making their way through Grand Central Station. He looked for the girl whose heart he knew, but whose face he didn't, the girl with the rose. His interest in her had begun thirteen months before in a Florida library.

Taking a book off the shelf, he found himself intrigued, not with the words of the book, but with the notes penciled in the margin. The soft handwriting reflected a thoughtful soul and insightful mind. In the front of the book, he discovered the previous owner's name, Miss Hollis Maynell. With time and effort, he located her address. She now lived in New York City.

He wrote her a letter introducing himself and inviting her to correspond. The next day he was shipped overseas for service in World War II. During the next year and one month, the two grew to know each other through the mail. Each letter was a seed falling on a fertile heart. A romance was budding. Blanchard requested a photograph, but she refused. She felt that if he really cared, it wouldn't matter what she looked like. When the day finally came for him to return from Europe, they scheduled their first meeting - 7:00 PM at the Grand Central Station in New York.

"You'll recognize me," she wrote, "by the red rose I'll be wearing on my lapel." So at 7:00 he was in the station looking for a girl whose heart he loved, but whose face he'd never seen. I'll let Mr. Blanchard tell you what happened:

A young woman was coming toward me, her figure long and slim. Her blonde hair lay back in curls from her delicate ears; her eyes were blue as flowers. Her lips and chin had a gentle firmness, and in her pale green suit she was like springtime come alive. I started toward her, entirely forgetting to notice that she was not wearing a rose. As I moved, a small, provocative smile curved her lips. "Going my way, sailor?" she murmured.

Almost uncontrollably, I made one step closer to her, and then I saw Hollis Maynell. She was standing almost directly behind the girl. A woman well past 40, she had graying hair tucked under a worn hat.. She was more than plump, her thick-ankled feet thrust into low-heeled shoes. The girl in the green suit was walking quickly away. I felt as though I was split in two, so keen was my desire to follow her, and yet so deep was my longing for the woman whose spirit had truly companioned me and upheld my own. And there she stood. Her pale, plump face was gentle and sensible; her gray eyes had a warm and kindly twinkle. I did not hesitate. My fingers gripped the small worn blue leather copy of the book that was to identify me to her.

This would not be love, but it would be something precious, something perhaps even better than love, a friendship for which I had been and must ever be grateful. I squared my shoulders, saluted, and held out the book to the woman, even though while I spoke I felt choked by the bitterness of my disappointment.

"I'm Lieutenant John Blanchard, and you must be Miss Maynell. I am so glad you could meet me; may I take you to dinner?"

The woman's face broadened into a tolerant smile. "I don't know what this is about, son," she answered, "but the young lady in the green suit that just went by, she begged me to wear this rose on my coat. And she said if you were to ask me out to dinner, I should go and tell you that she is waiting for you in the big restaurant across the street. She said it was some kind of test!"

***

It's not difficult to understand and admire Miss Maynell's wisdom.

The true nature of a heart is seen in its response to the unattractive.

"Tell me whom you love," Houssaye wrote, "And I will tell you who you are."

***

Pass this story on: Send it to:

• 3 people -- You will have good luck for an entire day.
• 8 people -- You will have good luck for all of next week.
• 11 or more people -- You will know your true love and be happy for a long, long time.
• 20 or more people -- You and your true love are going to be happily married for ever after.
• Nobody ... You will have bad luck for at least 5 years.

***

[Editor's Note: I received this story a short time ago, and was trying to figure out how I would include it in an LYAO edition. At some point between then and when I received the above, I received a chain-letter containing the 'Pass this Story On' suffix. THEN, I received the story with the suffix.

Now, I'm not one to forward chain-letters, usually, unless they are good, clean fun: They don't include threats. The above suffix includes a threat. I consider the story very nice, and believe that it could stand on its own, being forwarded across the Internet and various business e-mails without the threat of bad luck. However, I included the suffix, because that is they was I received it.

If you pass this story on, please either remove the suffix and this note, or include BOTH, so the receiver should NOT feel compelled by threat to forward the message. If you receive this story with this note, and do NOT wish to forward it to the number of people listed, since I am the one sending it on in this form, I hereby absolve you of the requirement. ;-) -LYAO Editor]

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Strange News Headlines Of 1997

• Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
• Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
• Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
• Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
• Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
• Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
• Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
• Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
• Eye Drops off Shelf
• Teachers Strike Idle Kids
• Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
• Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
• Miners Refuse to Work after Death
• Stolen Painting Found by Tree
• Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
• Cold Wave Linked to Temperature
• Deer Kill 17,000
• Red Tape Holds up New Bridges
• Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
• Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
• New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
• Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
• Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
• Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
• Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
• PS: The LA Times three weeks ago:
• A Last Minute Surprise Donation Brings New Life To Mortuary.

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Sisters Logical and Mathematical

Two nuns went out the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (S.M.), the other is known as Sister Logical (S. L.). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

S.L. - Have you noticed a man that has been following us for the past half hour ?

S.M. - Yes, I wonder what he wants.

S.L. - It's logical. It's logical. He wants to rape us.

S.M. - Oh, no ! At this pace he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do ?

S.L. - The only logical thing to do of course. We have to start walking faster.

S.M. - It is not working.

S.L. - Of course it is not working. The man did the only logical thing to do. He also started to walk faster.

S.M. - So, what shall we do ? At this pace, he will reach us in less than 1 minute.

S.L. - The only logical thing we can do is to split. You go that way and I will go this way. He cannot follow both of us.

So, the man decided to go after Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not arrived yet. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.

S.M. - Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here. Tell us what happened?

S.L. - The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he decided to go after me.

S.M. - So, what happened. Please tell us.

S.L. - The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could.

S.M. - So what happened ?

S.L. - The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could.

S.M. - And what else ?

S.L. - The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.

S.M. - Oh, no. What did you do then ?

S.L. - The only logical thing to do. I took my dress up.

S.M. - Oh, Sister. What did the man do?

S.L. - The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

S.M. - Oh, no! What happened then?

S.L. - Isn't it logical Sister? A nun with her dress up runs faster than a man with his pants down.

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Bet You Didn't Think There'd be a Quiz, Did You?

1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2. Which country makes Panama hats?
3. From which animal do we get catgut?
4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7. What was King George VI's first name?
8. What color is a purple finch?
9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10. How long did the Thirty Years War last?

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ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1. 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
2. Ecuador.
3. From sheep and horses.
4. November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5. Squirrel fur.
6. The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.
7. Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.
8. Distinctively crimson.
9. New Zealand.
10. Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.

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Questionable Pickup Lines

• I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Wal-Mart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter
• Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.
• Your body is just like Visa - it's everywhere I want to be.
• Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
• I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
• I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
• My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going.
• Yo, Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King; you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away.
• I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
• Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.
• Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long.
• Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
  Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."
  Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."
• Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.
• I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
• If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, could I visit you between the Holidays?
• I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
• You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
• Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?
• I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
• The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.
• Guy: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
  Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore."

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Little Johnny

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?

"None.", replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third sucking the cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."

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The Top Ten Lies Told By Graduate Students

10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.

9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.

8. My work has a lot of practical importance.

7. I would never date an undergraduate.

6. Your latest article was so inspiring.

5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.

4. I have one more book to read and then I'll start writing.

3. The department is giving me so much support.

2. My job prospects look really good.

1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.

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Hickies

The Orleans Parish School Board, sensing that Oakland is about to cash in by labeling African American slang as a language "Ebonics", has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer pipeline through Washington by designating Southern slang, or "Hickphonics", as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. A speaker of this language would be a "Hickophone".

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"God is Soooo Powerful ... "

A man asked God, "God, how much is a million years to you?"

God replied, "Oh, less than a second to you."

"Wow," the man said. "Well, how much is a million dollars to you?"

God replied, "Oh, less than a penny to you."

"Well, God, could you give me a million dollars?"

"Oh, in a second."

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The Top 15 Graffiti Sayings in the White House

15. Mute Newt!

14. The toilet paper can't be reached, and I'm about to be impeached -- RMN

13. This is my veto, this is my cane. This one's fer sell'n, and this one's fer lay'n.

12. If you think love is blind call the Justice Department. Ask for Janet.

11. Kenneth Starr does it in his briefs.

10. Flush twice; it's a long way to Congress.

9. George Washington slept here ... but we're still waiting for the check!

8. Bubba Slept Here.. and here.. and here ...

7. Whig Party Rulz 4ever!!!

6. Here I sit, broken hearted -- my welfare bill has been discarded.

5. Paula exaggerated.

4. Clinton is a potato head!

3. If your missile is having a crisis, call Marilyn at 555-3621

2. Buddy Sniffs Butts

and the Number 1 Graffiti Saying in the White House ...

1. Here I sit with my pasty white thighs, Wishin' I had me some burgers and fries.

[This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc.]

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Medical Definitions That Didn't Make It Into The Dictionary

ANTIBODY -- against everyone

ARTERY -- the study of fine paintings

BACTERIA -- back door to a cafeteria

BENIGN -- what you be after you be eight

BOWEL -- letters like A, E, I, O, or U

CAESAREAN SECTION -- a district in Rome

CARDIOLOGY -- advanced study of poker playing

CAT SCAN -- searching for ones lost kitty

CAUTERIZE -- made eye contact with her

COMA -- a punctuation mark

CONGENITAL -- friendly

CORTIZONE -- the local courthouse

D & C -- where Washington is

DILATE -- to live longer

ENEMA -- not a friend

ER -- the things on your head that you hear with

FIBRILLATE -- to tell lies

GENES -- blue denim slacks

HEMORRHOID -- a male from outer space

IMPOTENT -- distinguished, well known

LABOR PAIN -- hurt at work

MINOR OPERATION -- somebody else's

ORGAN TRANSPLANT -- what you do to your piano when you move

PARALYZE -- two far-fetched stories

PATHOLOGICAL -- a reasonable way to go

PHARMACIST -- person who makes a living dealing in agriculture

PROTEIN -- in favor of young people

RED BLOOD COUNT -- Dracula

RHEUMATIC -- amorous

SECRETION -- hiding anything

TABLET -- a small table

TERMINAL ILLNESS -- getting sick at the airport

TIBIA -- country in North Africa

TRIPLE BYPASS -- better than a quarterback sneak

TUMOR -- an extra pair

URINE -- opposite of "you're out"

VARICOSE -- very close

VEIN -- conceited

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Prison vs Work

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8'x10' cell.

At work you spend most of your time in a 6'x8'cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.

At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.

At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.

At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison you get your own toilet.

At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.

At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends on the phone.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.

At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through the bars from the inside wanting to get out.

At work you spend your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.

At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are OCCASIONALLY wardens who are sadistic.

At work we ALWAYS have managers.

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