---

| Home | LYAO Audio | LYAO Pix | Fun Links | Site Map |

---

LYAO -

----------

Dumb Criminals
[I believe at least some of these have been proved wrong. I have not checked. I leave that to you. -LE

Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera, while the camera was remotely recording. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera).

Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]

Florida: [Uh, pardon our English] A thief burst into the bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F-CKUP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a f-ckup!"

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied "Yes Officer. that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

Seattle: When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 8:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

Newark: A woman was reporting her car stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone, and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

San Francisco: It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stick up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "Ok" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

San Francisco: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture ... of handcuffs.

San Antonio, TX: 45 year old Amy Brasher was arrested after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

Providence, RI: David Posman, 33, was arrested recently, after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 60 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind.

Pontiac, MI: Drug possession defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.

El Paso, TX: Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck.

Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court this week when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your [expletive] head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "- if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year sentence.

Detroit: R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officers asked him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin give them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer and moments later, they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed Gaitlin was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

----------

Stand By Your Man--NOT!

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place ...

The man says, "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."

Man: "No sir, I was going 65."

Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." [Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."

Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"

Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." [Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt."

Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."

Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."

Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!"

Officer turns to the woman and asks: "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk."

----------

A Lawyer Joke

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer.

You have a gun with two bullets.

What should you do?

|
V

|
V

Shoot the lawyer ... Twice.

----------

Quote of the Day

It's not like I wanted to be the one holding your hand. I just didn't want HER holding it.

----------

Sherry or Port

A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into bed; he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.

He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world.

On the other hand, Port makes me fart."

----------

What Cars Say About Their Owners

Acura Integra

I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars.

Acura Legend

I'm too bland for German cars.

Acura NSX

I am impotent.

Audi 90

I enjoy putting out engine fires.

Buick Park Avenue

I am older than 34 of the 50 states.

Cadillac Eldorado

I am a very good Mary Kay salesperson.

Cadillac Seville

I am a pimp.

Chevrolet Camaro

I enjoy beating up people.

Chevrolet Chevette

I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette.

Chevrolet Corvette

I'm in a mid-life crisis.

Chevrolet El Camino

I am leading a militia to overthrow the government.

Chrysler Cordoba

I dig the rich Corinthian leather.

Datsun 280Z

I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well.

Dodge Dart

I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower.

Dodge Daytona

I delivered pizza for four years to get this car.

Ford Escort

I'm a red-headed nanny.

Ford Fairmont

(See Dodge Dart)

Ford Mustang

I slow down to 85 in school zones.

Ford Crown Victoria

I enjoy having people slow to 55mph & change lanes when I pull up behind them.

Geo Storm

I will start the 11th grade in the Fall.

Geo Tracker

I will start the 12th grade in the Fall.

Honda del Sol

I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all.

Honda Civic

I have just graduated and have no credit.

Honda Accord

I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.

Infiniti Q45

I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.

Isuzu Impulse

I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his reports.

Jaguar XJ6

I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.

Kia Sephia

I learned nothing from the failure of Diahatsu Corp.

Lincoln Town Car

I live for bingo and covered dish suppers.

Mercury Grand Marquis

(See Lincoln Town Car)

Mercedes 500SL

I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph.

Mercedes 560SEL

I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole.

Mazda Miata

I do not fear being decapitated by an 18-wheeler.

MGB

I am dating a mechanic.

Mitsubishi Diamante

I don't know what it means either.

Nissan 300ZX

I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.

Peugeot 505 Diesel

I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List.

Plymouth Neon

I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena.

Pontiac Trans AM

I have a switchblade in my sock.

Porsche 944

I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me.

Rolls Royce Silver Shadow

I think Pat Buchannan is a tad bit too liberal

Saturn SC2

(See Honda Civic)

Subaru Legacy

I have always wanted a Japanese car.

Toyota Camry

I am still in the closet

Volkswagon Beetle

I still watch The Partridge Family

Volkswagon Cabriolet

I am out of the closet

Volkswagon Microbus

I am tripping right now

Volvo 740 Wagon

I am frightened of my wife

----------

Haiku Computer Error Messages

Results of the Salon magazine challenge to come up with a computer error messages in haiku form. [NOTE: These poems should each be three lines with the name of the author on the fourth line. Because of the formatting, they may not appear as such, depending on your screen resolution. -LE]

WINNERS

Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred. -- David Dixon

Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred. -- David Dixon

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

I'm sorry, there's -- um -- insufficient -- what's-it-called? The term eludes me ... -- Owen Mathews   Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams. -- Peter Rothman   Seeing my great fault Through darkening blue windows I begin again -- Chris Walsh   The code was willing, It considered your request, But the chips were weak. -- Barry L. Brumitt   Printer not ready. Could be a fatal error. Have a pen handy? -- Pat Davis   A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone. -- David J. Liszewski   Errors have occurred. We won't tell you where or why. Lazy programmers. -- Charlie Gibbs   Server's poor response Not quick enough for browser. Timed out, plum blossom. -- Rik Jespersen   Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return. -- Suzie Wagner   Login incorrect. Only perfect spellers may enter this system. -- Jason Axley   This site has been moved. We'd tell you where, but then we'd have to delete you. -- Charles Matthews   wind catches lily scatt'ring petals to the wind: segmentation fault -- Nick Sweeney   ABORTED effort: Close all that you have. You ask way too much. -- Mike Hagler   First snow, then silence. This thousand dollar screen dies so beautifully. -- Simon Firth   With searching comes loss and the presence of absence: "My Novel" not found. -- Howard Korder

The Web site you seek cannot be located but endless others exist -- Joy Rothke   Stay the patient course Of little worth is your ire The network is down -- David Ansel   A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone. -- James Lopez   There is a chasm of carbon and silicon the software can't bridge -- Rahul Sonnad   Yesterday it worked Today it is not working Windows is like that -- Margaret Segall   To have no errors Would be life without meaning No struggle, no joy -- Brian M. Porter   You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here. -- Cass Whittington   No keyboard present Hit F1 to continue Zen engineering? -- Jim Griffith   Hal, open the file Hal, open the damn file, Hal open the, please Hal -- Jennifer Jo Lane   Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will. -- Francis Heaney   Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped. -- Judy Birmingham   The ten thousand things How long do any persist? Netscape, too, has gone. -- Jason Willoughby   Rather than a beep Or a rude error message, These words: "File not found." -- Len Dvorkin   Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank. -- Ian Hughes   The Tao that is seen Is not the true Tao, until You bring fresh toner. -- Bill Torcaso

----------

[CMA STATEMENT:

WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.

THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.

IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.

IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.

AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.]

----------

Adam Sandler's Astrology
[Didn't check to see if Adam Sandler actually wrote this ... -LE]

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a f-cking jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipsh-t.

Taurus (April 23 - May 22) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a godd-mned communist.

Gemini (May 23 - June 22) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 - July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a sh-t. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherf-ckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your sh-t-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while f-cking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nill. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of sh-t.

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickensh-t. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

----------

Sex Signs
[Whooda Thunk I'da had two X-Rated Astrological Guides in one LYAO? LOL -LE]

Aries

Women -- Wildly sensual, passionate and adventurous. You'll have sex anywhere; you know what you want - intense and frequent sex, you have a need for complete control, but you're also in love with love. As a mate, you are ardent, loyal, sentimental, and earthly. Biggest thrill - the tickle of a man's facial fuzz.

Men -- Sleeping with him is like playing croquet with live bombs you never know what is going to happen! Never expect him to wait for you to be ready - he will rip your clothes off if he is ready to go. Don't tease him or you'd better be ready to deliver. Fond of slave master games and he likes it rough. Aries men are also explorers, so be ready to go where no woman has gone before. His favorite position: a woman on her knees leaning forward.

Taurus

Women -- You expect your man to be kind and patient and make love to you by the book. You like to be pleased by sex, but don't look for unusual approaches. But you are a demanding lover and you leave your partner breathless. You have a need for oral gratification, both giving and receiving. Best sex mates: Cancer, Sagittarius, Scorpio, and Leo. Most likely kinky: sucking on your toes, one by one. You also like biting ... hmmmm.

Men -- He is the ideal lover - sensitive and understanding of his partner's feelings. He prefers it slow and easy; he won't be your guide to the exotic unknown, but what he does, he does beautifully. This is the guy to go to for long and luxurious oral sex. Stamina? This man could wear down a glacier! His erogenous zone: gently and slowly kiss and bite the back of his neck.

Gemini

Women -- Often the aggressor; you are never embarrassed by your behavior because you never adhere to any standards except your own. Your main requirement: a lover who knows how to take his time. You are a one woman harem, but a partner should be aware that in a relationship, the Gemini woman is looking for a combination of the spiritual and the physical, the romantic and the practical. You want to talk to the guy after you tumble with him! Best sex mates are Leo, Scorpio, Aquarians, Libra, and Aries. Favorite gadget: the vibrator.

Men -- He likes it with the lights on in front of the mirror. He can work any partner into the mood because he knows exactly how to evoke the right responses. Oral sex isn't his favorite pastime, but he will take his time with other preliminaries. Tends to be fast and furious, more concerned with satisfying himself than his partner, but he is more adequate in areas of lovemaking that are often neglected by other men. He can tell a woman exactly what she wants to hear. His erogenous zone: move your lips and tongue lightly up his arm.

Cancer

Women -- Will never make the first move, but you can be a marvelous lover, for you are capable of intense sensuality. You will reciprocate passion with a fervor that will stir his heart and stimulate him to his best performance. On your own time, you have a fondness for masturbation. Your favorite position: lying prone while your man enters you from behind. Best sex mates: Taurus, Leo, Virgo, Scorpio, and Pisces. You may become a slave to sexual pleasure!

Men -- His most surprising technique: intercourse with no hands. He has a need for constant encouragement and if gotten, he will be a delightful swain. Both patient and aggressive, he will often begin somewhere other than the bad; likes being in command, and is a master at manual clitoral manipulation! You'll like the trip as it is as much traveling to a place as it is arriving.

Leo

Women -- Sleek, lascivious, enticing and lazy! Whatever Leo wants, Leo gets! Intensely responsive and there are bed-partners who have scars to prove it. Your need to show off leads you to prefer the top where he can look up and admire the beauty of your body. Best sex mates: Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Aries. Your sexual wardrobe: full of wispy cut-out bras and panties!

Men -- Simply brushes aside rules and conventions. One important rule to remember about him: NEVER tease. His endurance is remarkable and he has a great appetite for making love. He likes women in the submissive position and oral sex is okay only when he can give and receive. He likes a woman to show how much she is enjoying it. His erogenous zone: his back is particularly vulnerable.

Virgo

Women -- You have no illusions about sex and wish everyone would stop magnifying its importance. Prefer men who will wait for the relationship to develop to the point where sex is inevitable. You love mutual masturbation and enjoy a little punishment, and your grace and modesty is a great turn on. You become an artist at pleasing your lover. Favorite kink: can't truly enjoy it unless a third party is present. Best sex mates: Gemini, Cancer and Aquarians.

Men -- Too shy to make an overture, but when the moment arrives, you had better be prepared for him to bring his pajamas, shaving equipment, and toothbrush. He likes to talk about how you like it and having talked about it, he will key in on the right erotic response. Don't expect imagination, but he is a hard worker and is open to suggestion. His secret life: can be obsessed with pornography. Erogenous zone: his buttocks.

Libra

Women -- Drama is the key word - you set the stage for sex. Intensely feminine and an instinctive exhibitionist. You feel your body was made to be seen and admired. Feel that seduction is an art, not an assault. When approached the right way, you find it easy to say yes to almost anything. Unusual control of vaginal muscles. Best sex mates: Aries, Gemini, Leo, Scorpio, Sagittarius, and Aquarius. Like any position where your buttocks are exposed.

Men -- Looks for the whole experience, not just a tumble between the sheets. Has a definite kinky side, a voyeur and fond of the menage a trois. He has the patience needed to satisfy. He likes women who dress well and have long hair. If a woman's clothes look as though they are easily removed, he finds her hard to ignore. Erogenous zone: back and buttocks, especially the feel of erect nipples against either of them!

Scorpio

Women -- Inquisitive, searching, and experimental. Knows that eroticism consists of more than the physical act of lovemaking. While looking like a perfect lady in public, you dress and behave like a whore in the bedroom. Control of the orgasm is very important and will try anything to help your man maintain his potency. You never take no for an answer and when interested in someone, you will pursue him with determination and guile. Best sex mates: Gemini, Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces. Props you love: scented body oils, flavored lubricating gels, and vibrators.

Men -- A lustful, sexy animal. Enjoys biting and sucking and is a master of oral sex. Inflicting pain turns him on so he may pinch at nipples or the insides of thighs. Likes it in the water, but his kink is that he prefers wood tables and hard floors to satin and silk. His erogenous zone is his genitalia.

Sagittarius

Women -- You like the outdoors - freaking out if you are in a tent, camper, or on the beach. You enjoy sex, but you don't like to prolong the preliminaries and want to start the main show as soon as possible. Like to tease your partner to the point of losing control. You don't mind if your man comes too quickly - you are a generous and accepting lover. Best sex mates: Leo, Libra, and Aquarius. Your sexual wardrobe will consist of accessories gloves and shoes!

Men -- Sex is rarely an intense experience with him - he often comes too quickly, but he'll be the first to try a new position. He is the master of erotic massage - both oral and manual. His tongue can be a wicked instrument and when combined with his lips, creates an explosive effect! Erogenous zones: hips and thighs. And he likes to look at a woman's calves and thighs, and likes to have sex with a woman in stockings.

Capricorn

Women -- Don't need much foreplay - you go from zero to WOW in nothing flat! Not interested in exotic variation; only staying in power. Since you like to dominate, you like to be astride your man, set a rhythm, and please yourself. Once into the rhythm, lovemaking becomes a wild contest with orgasm as the prize and you can depend on getting there more than once. Also a scratcher and a screamer. Best sex mates: Taurus, Scorpio and Pisces.

Men -- Sex evokes the best he can offer. He is a planner and a schemer (that is a schemer, not a screamer!). Prefers a woman who knows what he enjoys, and he expects her to be willing and ready whenever he wants her. Has the stamina of a marathon runner. Here is the man who will hold off until you are ready to scream! Erogenous zone: a massage that starts at the lower back and gently strokes upward along the sides of his spine.

Aquarius

Women -- A slow starter, you idealize love and encompass it with tenderness. Once aroused though, anything goes! Extremely imaginative and likes trying new things. There is nothing in any sex manual that you won't try. Belief that anything that increases the pleasure for your partner is worthwhile. Best sex mates: Aries, Gemini, Libra, Sagittarius, and Leo. Favorite sex position: standing up, and in water.

Men -- Never treats a woman like a sex object and prefers a variety of foreplay before getting down to it. May have be to revved up, but once his engine is started, he is free and inventive with amazing persistence. He will always see you through to climax. A woman who knows what she wants will be very happy. He usually ensures an orgasm twice once orally and once genitally. Erogenous zones: gently touching the calves and ankles will get him going. Be careful though a kinky Aquarian can be a sadist who doesn't like to be denied!

Pisces

Women -- Always make the right moves, say the right things, and create the right ambiance. You are sexually liberated and enjoy a wide range of eroticism. If his fantasies coincide with yours, the action can really get torrid! You seldom say no to anything your lover suggests! Favorite places: in a waterbed or hot tub. Best sex mates: Cancer, Scorpio, Capricorn, Pisces.

Men -- Takes the lead in lovemaking and impatient if he doesn't get a swift response. Indifferent to sexual restrictions, both moral and legal; prefers a partner with a tremendous sexual craving. Likes sex in a chair. He likes to be submissive. Becomes an addict to anything that will give pleasure and release. Erogenous zone: massaging and caressing his feet.

----------

The Oldest Profession

A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly schlep.

He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute.

He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.

The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her.

"Is it true you're a prostitute?" (Always a good opening line, BTW)

"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"

"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"

"I get $100 just for a handjob. We can negotiate from there."

"$100!?! For a handjob? Are you nuts?"

"You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on handjobs. Trust me, it's worth it."

The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.

The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her. "Last night was incredible!"

"Of course it was. Just wait til you try one of my blowjobs."

"How much is that?"

"$500"

"$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!"

"You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy looks out front at a 12 story apartment building. "I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blowjobs. Trust me, it's worth it."

Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly faints-twice.

The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. "I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me to go all the way?" She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, where between the buildings he can see Manhattan.

"You see that island?"

"Aw, c'mon! You can't mean that!" She nods her head.

"You bet. If I were really a woman, I'd own that island!"

----------

Hog For Sale

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. He had always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a "for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner: "This bike is beautiful!! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape."

"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple, just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, that you rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike, I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the new owner an old tube of Vaseline, and he puts it in his pocket.

The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a proud and happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic! (being a Harley fan too) That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents house. Since, it's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm:

"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. In they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, a huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks there are dirty dishes, that must have been there for years. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he reaches over, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make it on the dinner table. Of course, no one says a word. "Her mom's kinda cute," he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again no one says a word. Then, the boyfriend notices it starting to rain, he better take care of the new motorcycle. He pulls the tube of Vaseline from his pocket.

The father jumps up out of his chair and shouts, "OK ... OK ... I'll do the dishes.?

----------

When the Circus Comes to Town

A father and his young son were in the upstairs bedroom, while his wife prepared breakfast. The father had an erection and wanted his wife to come upstairs, but he didn't want to get soft, so he asked his son to carry a note to his mother, written in words that the boy wouldn't understand. He wrote,

"The tent pole is up, and

The canvass is spread.

To hell with the breakfast.

Come back to bed!"

The little boy ran downstairs and said: "Mommy, Mommy, here's a note from Daddy." The mother read it, laughed, and wrote a reply. She handed it to her son who dutifully ran up stairs and handed it to his dad. She, too, had couched her reply in vague circus terms. It said:

"Take the tent pole down.

Put the canvass away.

The monkey just hemorrhaged.

There's no circus today!"

----------

Saint Peter's Findings

After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings.

"Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked.

"I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There' s drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it -- a regular Sodom and Gomorrah. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. Even four out of five dentists recommend it. I'm afraid it has reached epidemic proportions".

"Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "Do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?"

"I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on judgment day if they do not stop this type of activity," replied St. Peter.

"That is an effective solution," God stated, "but I think that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who refrain from it. Let's send a letter that's personally signed by me to each one of these good people".

Do you know what the letter said?

(scroll down)

|
V

|
V

|
V

|
V

|
V

No? You didn't get one either, huh?

----------

Clinton's State of the Union Address (First Draft)

"Members of Congress, America, I banged her. Like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because Monica never played the flute solo in my libidinal orchestra. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to diddle are Hillary, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're evil and have legs stolen from massive nine-foot Steinway concert grands. Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary. I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President. So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Webster, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and made pocket pinball the game of choice in the Oval Office. Got it? Good.

Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was a 10th degree horndog. But, you elected Mr. Fellatio President, anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging yuppie moron who thought he could bomb his way into the White House. Before him, it was Reagan who left office with the same Alzheimer's he came with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time, like the idiot savant he is. Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability,' and got a one-way First Class ticket to San Clemente and several decent book deals. Johnson was an inbred power-mad war criminal. And John Kennedy, who took more than a few shake breaks himself behind closed doors, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for beaver-wrestling shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House. Which brings me back to me, and the point.

Since I have been strumming the banjo here, government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced-first time since my sausage-mate, JFK, did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to notice, mostly because they weren't looking. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night-watchman. And, the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'software' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where the next meal is coming from. Bottom line: I'm running a government here, not a dating school, and I've done it with my pecker showing.

What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter, unless, of course, she's a babe with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today, what kind of life you're living, and before you get too interested in which way my dong points, ask yourselves this question, 'Just what was it you hired me to do?'"

----------

Kiss Her "Good-bye"

It's Harold's first day in the carpool. They honk the horn in front of his house, and he comes running out. He gets about halfway down the walk when he hears a grunt, and the sound of his wife's foot tapping on the porch. He turns around, and there she is, scowling at him. He runs back to the steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses her on the snatch, runs back down the walk, and hops in the car. They ride in silence for a few minutes until Burnett, the driver, can't stand it.

Burnett says, "Harold, it's none of my business but why'd you kiss her down there?"

Harold says, "You wouldn't believe her breath in the morning."

----------

Father John

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene O'Hara had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old Mother Superior from Ireland had instructed. Sister Magdalene O'Hara was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun in her best brogue without a hint of skepticism disclosed.

"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And he said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did; it felt so good being saved. "

"That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it these past 40 years!"

----------

Just Trying to be Helpful

A rich lady is riding along with her chauffeur when they get a flat tire. He gets out and starts trying to pry off the hubcap. After he struggles a few minutes, she looks out at him and says, "You wanna screwdriver?"

He says, "We might as well. I can't get this f-cking hubcap off".

----------

Another Fine Mess

Karen goes to see the doctor. She says, "Doc, I'm freaking out. You've got to help me. My pee is coming out in four streams."

The doctor starts to examine her, and as he's examining her, he starts to giggle. She says, "It's not funny. My pee is coming out in four streams."

The doctor says, "It won't anymore ... I took the trouser button out of there."

----------

Martian Love [Submitted by B.C. from DC]

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market; if they have laptop computers; how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.

"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow ... "

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.

As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

***

From the woman who sent this to me: "Ladies ... don't we all wish ... and guys ... sorry! *lmao*"

----------

Little Johnny

There is a teacher teaching sex ed to a bunch of 5th graders. She walks to the chalk board and draws a huge penis on the board! She turns to the class and simply asked the class ...

"Class, does anyone know what that is?"

The class sits silently for a second or two than Little Johnny stands from the back! He yells ...

"I know what that is! It's a PENIS! I know cause my dad's got two!" "The small one he pee's from, the big one he brushes the babysitters teeth with!"

---

| History | About | Warnings/Alerts | News | Editor Updates | Site Map |

---

LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders - All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers, fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
-----
If you are not on my LYAO Mailing List (and those who are know who you are),
you have probably received this LYAO as a forward from one of your friends who ARE on my mailing list,
or from a friend who sent an archived LYAO from the LYAO-Online website. Don't Blame ME! ;-)
If you are not on the mailing list and wish to be included, or are on it and wish to be removed,
send an email to and your wish will be granted immediately.
NOTE: The LYAO Mailing List is mine and mine alone. No one else has access to it, and no one will.
It will never be sold to anyone. (ie: Anything promoted on LYAO will have to "go through me".)