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 Actual[?] Dialog Of A Former Wordperfect Customer Support Employee

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that""

"Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No" Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power ... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

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What If Dr. Seuss Did Technical Writing?

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,

And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,

And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort

Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

 

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,

And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,

And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,

Then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

 

If the label on the cable on the table at your house

Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,

But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,

That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

 

If your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,

So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,

Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,

'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

 

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,

And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,

Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.

Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom.

Enten (from Ralph McFadden)

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You Want a WHAT?

So you want a day off. Let's look at what you are asking for.

There are 365 days per year available for work.

There are 52 weeks per year, in each of which you already have two days off, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break; That accounts for 23 more days each year, leaving only 68 days.

With a one hour lunch each day, you use up another 48 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves only 20 days available for work.

We offer 5 holidays per year, leaving only 15 days.

We generously give you 14 days vacation per year leaving you only 1 day available for work.

And I'll be DAMNED if you're going to take that day off!

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The Great Competition

Between moments of dispensing wisdom, it seemed that historical religious leaders had also learned software programming. One day, a great contest was held to test their skills. After days and days of fierce competition, only two leaders remained for the last day's event: Jesus and Mohammed.

The judge described the software application required for the final test and gave the signal to start writing code. The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards. Routines, classes, applets and applications flew by on their screens at incredible speeds.

Windows, dialogs and other intricate graphics began forming on their monitors. The clock showed that the contest would soon be finished. Suddenly, a bolt of lightening flashed and the power went out. After a moment it came back on--just in time for the clock to announce that the last competition was over. The judge asked the two contestants to reveal their finished software. Mohammed angrily said that he'd lost it all in the power outage.

The judge turned to the other competitor. Jesus smiled, clicked a mouse and a dazzling application appeared on his screen. After just a few moments, the judge was clearly impressed and declared Jesus the victor.

When asked why the decision was made the judge pointed out the unique characteristics that set the winner apart from all the other leaders:

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Jesus saves.

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You're Not A Kid Anymore When ...

• You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
• You can live without sex, but not your glasses.
• Your back goes out more than you do.
• You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

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Quotes of the Day:

A fool and his money are soon partying!

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Cream rises to the top. So does scum.

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A Bowling Bag Instead of a Carriage?

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth when the doctor came in and informed the new dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs.

The son had only a head! But the dad loved his son anyway, and raised him as well as he could, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son was old enough for his first drink. Dad took him to the bar and tearfully told the son he was proud of him. Then Dad ordered up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso popped out of the bottom of the son's head! The bar was deadly silent; then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons began chanting, "Take another drink!" The bartender stood still, shaking his head in amazement.

Swoooop! Two arms popped out. The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, cried for his son to drink again. The patrons continued their chant: "Take another drink!"

But the bartender turned his back at this point, ignoring the whole affair.

By now the boy was getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reached down, grabbed his drink, and guzzled the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs popped out.

By now the bar was in chaos, with the father on his knees, thanking God. The boy stood up on his new legs and stumbled to the left, then to the right, then right through the front door, and into the street, where a truck ran smack into him, killing him instantly.

The bar fell silent. The father began to softly moan in grief. The bartender picked up the boy's empty glass, and began to clean it, muttering, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

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Problem-Oriented Medical Treatment

A little old western lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent.

As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts ... although still silent ... stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

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Is There A Club For You?

• The Yoko club? Oh no.
• The German Philosophy club? I. Kant.
• The Ford-Nixon club? Pardon me?
• The Arafat club? Yessir.
• The Alzheimer's club? Forget it.
• The Ebert movie club? Roger.
• The Groucho Marx club? You bet your life.
• The Peter Pan club? Never. Never.
• The Japanese theater club? Noh.
• The Quarterback club? I'll pass.
• The Rhett Butler club? I don't give a damn.
• The Compulsive Rhymers club? Okey-dokey.
• The Spanish Optometrists club? Si.
• The Anti-perspirant club? Sure.
• The Pregancy club? Conceivably.
• The Procrastinator's club? Maybe next week
• The Self-Esteem Builders? They wouldn't accept me anyway
• The Agoraphobics Society? Only if they meet at my house
• The Co-Dependence club? Can I bring a friend?
• The Prayer Group? God willing!

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TeenSpeak

"My mother says to look for a man who is kind ... That's what I'll do ...

... I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome."

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Wisdom

I can please only one person per day.

Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

I don't have an attitude problem.

You have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself,

"Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

I love deadlines.

I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Am I getting smart with you?

... How would you know?

I loathe people who keep dogs.

They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.

I'm not just a gardener …

… I'm a Plant Manager.

My Reality Check bounced.

On the keyboard of life,

always keep one finger on the escape key.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

I don't suffer from stress.

I'm a carrier.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

There are two rules for ultimate success in life.

#1 is never tell everything you know.

I'd explain it to you,

but your brain would explode.

Tell me what you need,

and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons,

for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Someday we'll look back on all this …

… and plow into a parked car.

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You Know You Are Addicted To The Internet When ...

• You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
• Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
• Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
• All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8 ... ISDN ... cable modem ... T1 ... T3. And even your night dreams are in HTML.
• You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
• You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
• You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au"
• Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
• You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved, and you don't have a clue when it happened.
• You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
• Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
• All of your friends have an @ in their names.
• When looking at a page-full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
• Your dog has its own home page.
• You can't call your mother ... she doesn't have a modem.
• You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again. {You mean it's possible to have "no new e-mail?"}
• Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
• You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
• You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
• Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
• You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
• You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do," and you don't even have a job.
• You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
• Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
• You get a tattoo that says, "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.01 or higher."
• You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP ... because you never log off.
• The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.
• You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
• Your wife says communication is important in a marriage ... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
• As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

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[CMA STATEMENT:

WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.

THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.

IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.

IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.

AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.]

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Chinese Firedrill

A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it.

When finished, the Chinese man runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into the bed with the hooker and commences a repeat performance.

The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into the bed with the hooker and starts again.

The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself. So when they were done she jumps up, goes to the window, and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed, and finds ... four Chinese men.

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Agent Orange

A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange."

The doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life." Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?"

The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy."

So the doc figures this isn't the reason. He asks the guy, "How's your home life?"

The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress.

Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of her."

So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?"

The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos!"

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LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders - All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
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If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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