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LYAO -
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Proposed New Surgeon General Warning Labels for Alcohol
WARNING …
… Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a sh-t truck at 100 yards.
… Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an a--hole.
… Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
… Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
… Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.
… Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
… Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.
… Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember)
… Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
… Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.
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The Bunny and the Snake
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. As a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down, also knocking the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny. "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. You see, I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going, and, in fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"Quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours, as I am also blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful," said the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, and you have really long ears, and your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say you must be a bunny."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you!" cried the bunny in obvious excitement. "Maybe I could feel you with my paw and help you the same way you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over and said, "Well, you're scaly and slimy, and you have a forked tongue and no balls. I'd say you must be an attorney."
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Indigenous Peoples-Columbus Day - (A True Story)
[Possible Urban Legend Alert - see below]
In 1990, the Berkeley City Council passed a law changing the name of Columbus Day to Native American Day, because Columbus wasn't nice to the Indians. Of course, no Indians were asked if they wanted the holiday's name changed or if they wanted to be called Native Americans.
In 1991, the Berkeley City Council changed the name again, to Indigenous People Day. A group of P.C.ers argued that Indians are not native to America but to Asia, so calling them Native Americans might be insulting to Asians. Of course, neither the Indian nor Asian communities were consulted about this.
In 1992, the Italian American Anti-Defamation League gave the City of Berkeley their Insensitivity Award. The Italian-American group said that they agreed that Indians haven't been treated well, but that the Italians weren't the ones who did it, so why take away their holiday? Nobody asked Italian-Americans how they felt about renaming Columbus day.
In 1994, the Berkeley City Council changed the holiday back to Columbus Day.
In 1995, representatives of the Winnamucca Indians protested City Council meetings. They argued that Indians had never asked that Columbus day be renamed to honor Indians, but since it had, the City Council couldn't take it back, less they become "indigenous peoples givers."
In 1996, the City Council changed the name to Indigenous Peoples - Columbus Day.
Currently there are people lobbying to rename the holiday Animal Rights Day.
***
[Appears to have been changed in 1991 for year 1992, to "Indigenous Peoples Day", and not changed again at http://archiver.rootsweb.com/th/read/MIXED-BLOODS/2005-09/1127579331, and there's more at http://www.phxnews.com/fullstory.php?article=26696, where there's a discussion about it Columbus vs American Indians, and it's stated (paragraph 3): "In 1990, Berkeley changed Columbus Day to Native American Day. In 1991 the name Indigenous Peoples Day was adopted. After several flip-flops under pressure from both Italian American and Amerindian groups, in 1996 Berkeley adopted the compromise "Indigenous Peoples Day-Columbus Day." So maybe this one's true. Uh ... Until the last paragraph!(?) -LE]
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Labor-Saving Device
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:
"Dear Husband,
I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant it?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter:
"Dear Wife,
Whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:
"Dear Husband,
You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter back:
"Dear Wife,
NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce."
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Actual Newspaper Headlines:
- Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
- Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
- Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
- House passes gas tax onto senate
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Quotes of the Day
People are like a box of chocolates. Some have nuts, some don't.
Don't piss me off. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
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Time for Swear Words?
A 7-year-old boy and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The 7-year-old is explaining that it is high time the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother agrees enthusiastically, the 7-year-old says, "When we go down the stairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell,' and you say 'ass'."
As the two boys are seating themselves at the table, the mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat. He replies, "Ah, hell, mom, I'll just have Cheerios."
WHACK! The surprised mother responds quickly and the boy runs upstairs howling. With a sterner voice, the mother asks her younger son, "And what would you like for breakfast?"
"I don't know," he replies, "but you can bet your ass it's not gonna be Cheerios!"
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Yo Mama Joke
Yo Mama's teeth are so yellow, traffic slows down when she smiles.
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Choices
[INSPIRATIONAL STORY ALERT]
Re: Choices in Life -- What's Really Important?
Author: Aleli Evangelista
Here is a motivational shot in the arm for everyone:
Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood and always had something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!" He was a unique manager, because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant.
The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.
Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"
Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, ?Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.' I choose to be in a good mood.
"Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it.
"Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life."
"Yeah, right, but it's not that easy," I protested.
"Yes, it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice.
"You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live life."
I reflected on what Jerry said.
Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it. Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers.
While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body.
I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?"
I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place.
"The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied. "Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I chose to live."
"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.
Jerry continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared.
"In their eyes, I read, 'He's a dead man.' I knew I needed to take action."
"What did you do?" I asked.
"Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply, I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."
Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.
Attitude, after all, is everything.
***
You have 2 choices now:
- Keep this story to yourself
- Forward it to others.
Hope, you will choose choice 2.
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Friends Throughout the Years
[INSPIRATION STORY ALERT]
As we have grown and changed so have our ideas on friendship ...
In kindergarten your idea of a good friend was the person who let you have the red crayon when all that was left was the ugly black one.
In first grade your idea of a good friend was the person who went to the bathroom with you and held your hand as you walked through the scary halls.
In second grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you stand up to the class bully.
In third grade your idea of a good friend was the person who shared their lunch with you when you forgot yours on the bus.
In fourth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who was willing to switch square dancing partners in gym so you wouldn't have to be stuck do-si-do-ing with nasty Nicky or smelly Susan.
In fifth grade your idea of a friend was the person who saved a seat on the back of the bus for you.
In sixth grade your idea of a friend was the person who went up to Nick or Susan, your new crush, and asked them to dance with you, so that if they said no you wouldn't have to be embarrassed.
In seventh grade your idea of a friend was the person who let you copy the Social Studies homework from the night before that you had forgotten about.
In eighth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you pack up your stuffed animals and old baseball cards so that your room would be a "high schooler's" room, but didn't laugh at you when you finished and broke out in tears.
In ninth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who went with you to that "cool" party thrown by a senior so you wouldn't wind up being the only freshman there.
In tenth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who changed their schedule so you would have someone to sit with at lunch.
In eleventh grade your idea of a good friend was the person who gave you rides in their new car, convinced your parents that you shouldn't be grounded, consoled you when you broke up with Nick or Susan, and found you a date to the prom.
In twelfth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you pick out a college, assured you that you would get into that college, helped you deal with your parents who were having a hard time adjusting to the idea of letting you go.
At graduation your idea of a good friend was the person who was crying on the inside but managed the biggest smile one could give as they congratulated you.
The summer after twelfth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you clean up the bottles from that party, helped you sneak out of the house when you just couldn't deal with your parents, assured you that now that you and Nick or you and Susan were back together, you could make it through anything, helped you pack up for college and just silently hugged you as you looked through blurry eyes at 18 years of memories you were leaving behind, and finally on those last days of childhood, went out of their way to come over and send you off with a hug, a lot of memories, reassurance that you would make it in college as well as you had these past 18 years, and most importantly sent you off to college knowing you were loved.
Now, your idea of a good friend is still the person who gives you the better of the two choices, holds your hand when you're scared, helps you fight off those who try to take advantage of you, thinks of you at times when you are not there, reminds you of what you have forgotten, helps you put the past behind you but understands when you need to hold onto it a little longer, stays with you so that you have confidence, goes out of their way to make time for you, helps you clear up your mistakes, helps you deal with pressure from others, smiles for you when they are sad, helps you become a better person, and most importantly loves you!
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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