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LYAO -
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Clues for Idiots
- The following 11 tips are based on true stories:
- If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx.
- If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.
- If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to hook it to a water source. Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water.
- No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.
- A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.
- It's okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.
- When the PC says, "Insert diskette 2," don't do it immediately. Remove disk 1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there.
- When your PC says "You have mail," don't go to the company mail room and look for a package.
- The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn't translate English language web pages into French.
- If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get an e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don't.
- If you go to the computer store to buy a mouse pad, you don't have to specify whether it's for a Windows or a Macintosh.
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Engineering Jokes -- Engineering 108
Lesson 1
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?
George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.
The group was silent for a moment. Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
Lesson 2
In the high school gym, all the girls in the class were lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Then, every ten seconds, they walked toward each other until they were half the previous distance apart.
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were asked, "When will the girls and boys meet?"
The mathematician said: "Never."
The physicist said: "In an infinite amount of time."
The engineer said: "Well ... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes."
Lesson 3
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later his company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small x in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark ... $1
Knowing where to put it ... $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired in peace.
Lesson 4:
Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
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Blonde Painter
Julie the blonde was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handywoman. The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for ya. How would you like to paint the porch?"
"Sure, that sounds great!" said Julie.
"Well, uh, how much do you want?" asked the man.
"Is fifty bucks OK?" Julie asked.
"Yeah that's great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."
The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks?! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife.
"Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.
About 15 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner.
The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?"
"Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"
The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.
"Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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The Butler Did It
A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they advised their butler that they were giving him the evening off to do as he please since they would be out until quite late.
The couple went to a ball and dinner. After an hour an a half, the wife told her husband that she was horribly bored and that she preferred to go home and finish some work for the next day.
The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet some very important people who were his new business partners.
So the wife went home alone and found the butler spread out on the couch watching TV.
She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively. She then told him to come closer; then even closer.
She moved forward and whispered in his ear "Take off my dress ... "
"Now take off my bra ... "
"Next remove my shoes and stockings ... "
"Now remove my garter belt and panties ... "
She then looked deep into his eyes, and in a sharp voice shouted, "The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired."
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Comments That Actually Appeared On Job-Evaluation Forms
(Clap your hands if you really believe that.)
- Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
- Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
- A room temperature IQ.
- Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
- A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
- A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
- A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
- Bright as Alaska in December.
- One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
- Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
- Fell out of the family tree.
- Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
- Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
- He's so dense, light bends around him.
- If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
- If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
- If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
- If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
- It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
- One neuron short of a synapse.
- Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
- Takes him 1-1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
- Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead
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Things Steven Wright Said,
Might Have Said, Or
Probably Didn't Say But Somebody Did
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
- I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
- I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
- I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
- Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
- Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
- Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
- Support bacteria - They're the only culture some people have.
- Tele-evangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
- The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
- Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
- If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
- 24 hours in a day ? 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
- Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
- Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
- When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
- Everyone has a photographic memory but some don't have film.
- Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
- If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
- Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
- I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
- Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
- How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
- Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
- Laughing stock: Cattle with a sense of humor.
- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
- For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
- Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
- Black holes are where God divided by zero.
- All those who believe in psycho-kinesis raise my hand.
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[NOTES:
- For those that don't know or remember who Steven Wright is, he's the comedian (a very funny one, I think) who (used to, anyway) have fairly long curly hair around a very high forehead, and, now and then, wear a stocking or other type of cap. He comes out sounding very depressed and does his "shtick," which is basically observational humor, filled with one-liners LIKE the above. He's put out a number of CDs, been in a few movies and written a few (humor, I suppose - didn't look that close… ) books.
- I've seen a number of joke and one-liner lists over the years, supposedly by Steven Wright, Robin Williams, George Carlin and various other well-known comedians. While many of them are in the same vein of comedy as the celebrity to they are attributed (most, if not all, are falsely attributed). and many are as humorous as some of their stuff, for most, the comedians had, or claim to have had, nothing to do with them.
Here's a link to Steven Wright's official website:
http://www.stevenwright.com/index.shtml
and here are a couple of pictures:
-LE]
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CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
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