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LYAO -
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Doggone It!
How Dogs and Men Are the Same
- Both take up too much space on the bed.
- Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
- Both are threatened by their own kind.
- Both mark their territory.
- Both are bad at asking you questions.
- Neither tells you what's bothering them.
- The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
- Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
- Neither does any dishes.
- Both fart shamelessly.
- Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
- Both like dominance games.
- Both are suspicious of the postman.
- Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
- Neither understands what you see in cats.
***
How Dogs Are Better Than Men
- Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
- Dogs miss you when you're gone.
- Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
- Dogs don't criticize your friends.
- Dogs admit when they're jealous.
- Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
- Dogs do not play games with you--except fetch
(and they never laugh at how you throw).- Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
- You can train a dog.
- Dogs are easy to buy for.
- You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
- The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
(Ok ... the *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)- Dogs understand what "No!" means.
- Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
- Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
- Dogs admit it when they're lost.
- Dogs are color blind.
- Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
- Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
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How Men are Better than Dogs
- Men only have two feet that track in mud.
- Men can buy you presents.
- Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.
- Men are a little bit more subtle.
- Men don't eat turds on the sly.
- Dogs have dog breath all the time.
- Men can do math stuff.
(But then, who really needs a man to do math?)- Men don't shed as much, and if they do, they hide it.
- It's fun to dry off a wet man.
***
How Dogs and Women are the Same
- Both look stupid in hats.
- Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.
- Both tend to have "hip? problems.
- Neither understand football.
- Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.
- Neither believe that silence is golden.
- Both constantly want back rubs.
- Neither can balance a checkbook.
- You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
- Both put too much value on kissing.
***
How Dogs Are Better than Women ...
- Dogs don't ask what are you thinking.
- Dogs don't cry.
- Dogs love it when your friends come over.
- Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
- Dogs think you sing great.
- A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
- You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
- Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
- Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
- The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
- Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
- Dogs don't worry about germs.
- Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
- Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
- Dogs don't hate their bodies.
- Dogs never expect gifts.
- It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
- Dogs are excited by rough play.
- Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
- Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.
- Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
- Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
- Dogs never want foot-rubs.
- Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
- Dogs love red meat.
- Dogs like beer
- Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
- Dogs can't talk.
- Dogs understand that farts are funny.
- Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
- Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
- If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
- Dogs don't shop.
- Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
- A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
- Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
- Dogs never criticize.
- Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
- A dog's parents never visit.
- Dogs love long car trips.
- Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
- Dogs aren't catty.
- Dogs seldom outlive you.
- Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.
- When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
***
How Women Are Better than Dogs
- Women look good in sweaters.
- Women leave the room to fart
***
Some Suggested New "Crossbreeds"
- Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
- Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye = Terrier Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
- Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
- Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog
- Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
- Labrador Retriever + Curly-Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
- Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
- Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog prone to awful mistakes
- Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
- Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by ... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
- Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work
- Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
- Cocker Spaniel + Rottweiller = Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband
- Bull Terrier + Sh-tzu = Bullsh-tz, a gregarious but unreliable breed
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[CMA STATEMENT:
WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.
THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.
IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.
IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.
AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.]
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If at First You Don't Succeed?
A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains,
"Well, doc, it's like this. First, I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing; then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"
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Type Of People You Might Meet In The Men's Bathroom
EXCITABLE : Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts
SOCIABLE : Joins friends in pissing whether he has to or not
CROSS-EYED : Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed
TIMID : Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal and comes back later
INDIFFERENT : If all urinals being used, pisses in sink
CLEVER : No hands, fixes tie, looks around and pisses on floor
WORRIED : Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection
FRIVOLOUS : Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit a fly or bug
ABSENT MINDED : Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants
CHILDISH : Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble
TOUGH : Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it
PATIENT : Stands very close for a long time waiting, lets it drip dry, reads with other hand
EFFICIENT : Waits until he has to crap, then does both
DRUNK : Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants
DISGRUNTLED : Stands for a while, gives up, walks away
CONCEITED : Holds two inch dick like a baseball bat
DESPERATE : Waits in long line, teeth clenched, pisses in pants
SNEAK : Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed
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JUMP When I Say JUMP!
A woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the box, and it says, "Snatch Eating Frogs $20.00 each. (Comes with instructions.)"
She looks at it for a minute, looks around to see if anyone's watching her, and she whispers to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
He packages up a frog, the woman grabs her dog food, and is on her way home. She gets home, takes out the instructions and reads them carefully doing exactly what they say to do:
- Take a shower. Put on some nice smelling perfume.
- Put on a very sexy Teddy.
- Crawl into bed, spread your legs, and put the frog down "THERE."
To her surprise, nothing happens. She thought, perhaps the scent she chose is not appealing to the frog. So, she showers again and tries another perfume. She gets back into bed, puts the frog between her legs, and ... NOTHING. She's totally frustrated and pissed off at this point. She reads the instructions again thinking that there might be something she overlooked.
At the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, she does. The man behind the counter says, "I had a few complaints earlier today, I'll be right over to check out the problem."
A few minutes later he knocks on the door. He enters and says, "You'll have to show me exactly what you did." She does. She showers, puts on the perfume and the Teddy, gets into bed, and puts the frog between her legs. NOTHING HAPPENS.
She says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
The man looking very concerned, picks up the frog, looks directly into its eyes and says, "I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
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Helping the Blind to See
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice t-ts," says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"
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Just Follow Directions
A priest went into the country to pay a visit to a 92 year old church member. She welcomed him into the parlor. While she made tea, he looked around and saw a beautiful oak pump organ with a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was half filled with water and a condom was floating on top of it. He dare not say anything!!
After tea, curiosity got the best of him and he asked her about it. She said, "While in town I found a package on the sidewalk and took it home. The directions on the back said, 'Keep wet and put on your organ to prevent disease', and you know I think it works. I haven't had a cold all winter."
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Wonder What He'd Say?
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation ...
(She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? ... Oh, hi. ... I'm so glad that you called. ... Really? ... That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. ... That sounds terrific. ... Great! ... Thanks. ... Okay. ... Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies. "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
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What a Way to Go!
A 90-year old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five-year old woman."
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love ... At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"
The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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