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LYAO -
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From The "Everything You Need to Know Is On TV" List
- All baseball games will be won with a home run in the bottom of the ninth with two outs and the bases loaded.
- Everybody wins in Las Vegas.
- Nobody has time to watch TV.
- Nobody ever has trouble finding parking spots when they are in a hurry.
- Housework is never needed.
- Street vendor's carts are magnetically attracted to high-speed car chases.
- Everyone knows how to pick a lock with one tool.
- The last 5 minutes of any TV show will explain the entire plot.
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Quotes of the Day
It's hard to have a battle of wits with an unarmed man.
Life is a dance you learn as you go (unfortunately, I have 2 left feet).
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A Hare-Raising Story
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the animal, but unfortunately, it jumped in front of the car and was hit.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.
The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying at the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto it.
Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. Fifty yards away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 yards, turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!!
He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:
"Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
***
(I can hear you groaning from here!)
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Bumper Snickers
- Hang up and drive.
- Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
- Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
- Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
- I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
- WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
- This would be really funny if it wasn't happening to me.
- I have the body of a god ... Buddha!
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You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When ...
... Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
... You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
... You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
... You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
... You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar".
... You get drunk just so you can sober up.
... You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
... Your Thermos is on wheels.
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What Kind of 'Tator Are You?
Some people are very bossy and like to tell everyone what to do, but of course they do not wish to soil their hands.
You might call that type "Dick Tator."
Some people never seem to be motivated to participate. They are content to watch while others do.
They are "Speck Tators."
Some people never do anything to help, but they are gifted at finding fault with the way others do things.
They might be called "Comment Tators."
Some people are always looking for ways to cause problems. They look or others to agree with them.
You call them "Aggie Tators."
Then there are those who always say they will, but somehow never get around to doing anything.
They are "Hezzie Tators."
Some people put on a front and act like they are someone they are not.
They are "Emma Tators."
Still, there are those who live what they talk. They are always prepared to stop what they are doing to lend a hand. They bring real sunshine into others' lives.
You might call them "Sweet Tators."
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15 Things NOT to Say When You are Pulled Over
- No, YOU assume the position.
- I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
- If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?
- No, offi, offic, lucifer ... I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.
- No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110 mph.
- Back off, Barney, I've got a piece.
- But officer, I've got 2 different drivers licenses from 2 different states! Pick 1.
- I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!
- On the way to the station let's get a six pack, oh don't forget the cig's.
- You'll never get those cuffs on me ... You Homo!
- Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
- Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?
- How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
- So that's what those yellow flashing lights in the school zone mean.
- What do you use those rubber gloves for, anyway?
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One of Life's Most Embarrassing Moments
In Melbourne, one of the radio stations paid money ($100-$500) for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. This one netted the winner $300.
I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist, when early one morning I received a call from his office that I had been rescheduled for early that morning … at 9:30am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was around 8:45 already. The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the wash-cloth, and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in.
Knowing the procedure, as I am sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii, or some other place a million miles away from here. I was a little surprised when he said "My ... we have taken a little extra effort this morning haven't we?", but I didn't respond.
The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening meal, etc.
At 8:30 that evening my 18 year old daughter was fixing to go to a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom … Where's my washcloth?" I called back for her to get another from the cabinet.
She called back, "No? I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."
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Sports in the Work Place
- When the staff goes out together after work, they talk about football or basketball.
- When Middle Management gets together, they talk about tennis or baseball.
- Top Management discusses golf.
Conclusion: The higher you are in management, the smaller your balls are.
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It Pays To Tell the Truth
A man's wife asked him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walked down to the store only to find it closed. With that option out, he ventured into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. But, at the bar he saw a beautiful woman and started talking to her. They had a couple of beers and one thing led to another and they ended up in her apartment.
After they had their fun, he realized it was 3 a.m. and said, "Oh no, it's so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" The woman found him some talcum powder, which he proceeded to rub on his hands. Then he went home.
His wife was waiting for him in the doorway, and she was quite upset. "Where the hell have you been?"
The man took a deep breath. "Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh, yeah? Let me see your hands!"
He looked down, and held them out. His wife took one look, and exploded into tears, "You damn liar! You went bowling again!"
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Good, Bad, and Worse
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Worse: Your daughter borrowed them
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Worse: You're in them
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross dresser
Worse: He looks better than you
Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Worse: So are you
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Worse: With corrections
Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Worse: She's a lawyer
Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Worse: You gave him nothing for Christmas
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Do We Need Freud To Analyze This One?
A group of young businessmen is chatting at the bar, and one decides to share his recent embarrassment with the others. He tells them that he was booking a plane ticket to Pittsburgh, but he was so preoccupied with the beautiful breasts of the girl at the counter, that instead of saying "I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh," he said, "I'd like a picket to titsburg!"
An older guy nearby hears the story and says, "You know I had a similar experience with my wife this morning. We were sitting at the breakfast table, and I meant to say, 'Darling, could you please pass the butter' ... but what came out was, 'You b-tch, you're ruining my f-cking life'!"
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Pass It On … Big Returns
[INSPIRATIONAL STORY ALERT]
He was driving home one evening, on a two-lane country road. Work in this small Midwestern community, was almost as slow as his beat-up Pontiac. But he never quit looking. Ever since the Levi factory closed, he'd been unemployed, and with winter raging on, the chill had finally hit home. It was a lonely road. Not very many people had a reason to be on it, unless they were leaving. Most of his friends had already left. They had families to feed and dreams to fulfill.
But he stayed on. After all, this was where he buried his mother and father. He was born here and knew the country. He could go down this road blind, and tell you what was on either side, and with his headlights not working, that came in handy. It was starting to get dark and light snow flurries were coming down. He'd better get a move on.
You know, he almost didn't see the old lady, stranded on the side of the road. But even in the dim light of the day, he could see she needed help. So he pulled up in front of her Mercedes and got out. His Pontiac was still sputtering when he approached her. Even with the smile on his face, she was worried. No one had stopped for help for the last hour or so. Was he going to hurt her? He didn't look safe, he looked poor and hungry. He could see that she was frightened, standing out there in the cold. He said, " I'm here to help you ma'am. Why don't you wait in the car where it's warm? By the way my name is Joe."
Well, all she had was a flat tire, but for an old lady, that was bad enough. Joe crawled under the car looking for a place to put the jack, skinning his knuckles a time or two. Soon, he was able to change the tire. But he had to get dirty and his hands hurt. As he was tightening up the lug nuts, she rolled down her window and began to talk to him. She told him that she was from St. Louis and was only just passing through. She couldn't thank him enough for coming to her aid. Joe just smiled as he closed her trunk.
She asked him how much she owed him. Any amount would have been all right with her. She had already imagined all the awful things that could have happened had he not stopped. Joe never thought twice about the money. This was not a job to him. This was helping someone in need, and God knows there were plenty who had given him a hand in the past. He had lived his whole life that way, and it never occurred to him to act any other way. He told her that if she really wanted to pay him back, the next time she saw someone who needed help, she could give that person the assistance that was needed, and, Joe added, "... think of me."
He waited until she started her car and drove off. It had been a cold and depressing day, but he felt good as he headed for home, disappearing into the twilight.
A few miles down the road, the lady saw a small cafe. She went in to grab a bite to eat, and take the chill off before she made the last leg of her trip home. It was a dingy looking restaurant. Outside were two old gas pumps. The whole scene was unfamiliar to her. The cash register was like the telephone of an out of work actor, it didn't ring much.
Her waitress came over, and brought a clean towel to wipe her wet hair. She had a sweet smile, one that even being on her feet for the whole day couldn't erase. The lady noticed that the waitress was nearly eight months pregnant, but she never let the strain and aches change her attitude. The old lady wondered how someone who has so little could be so giving to a stranger. Then she remembered Joe.
After the lady finished her meal and the waitress went to get her change from a hundred dollar bill, the lady slipped right out the door. She wondered where the lady could be, and then she noticed something written on a napkin. There were tears in her eyes when she read what the lady wrote. It said, "You don't owe me a thing. I've been there too. Someone once helped me out, the way I'm helping you. If you really want to pay me back, here's what you do. Don't let the chain of love end with you."
Well, there were tables to clear, sugar bowls to fill, and people to serve, but the waitress made it through another day. That night when she got home from work and climbed into bed, she was thinking about the money, and what the lady had written. How could she have known how much she and her husband needed it? With the baby due next month, it was going to be hard. She knew how worried her husband was, and as he lay sleeping next to her, she gave him a soft kiss and whispered soft and low, "Everything's gonna be all right, I love you Joe."
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[WARNING:
THE FOLLOWING MIGHT BE CONSIDERED BY SOME TO BE A LITTLE STRONG - NOT SO MUCH AS TO WARRANT A SEPARATE PG-14 SECTION IN MY MIND, BUT ENOUGH FOR ME TO WARN YOU. -LE]
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Memorandum -- Year 2000 project - Millennia Year Application Software System
This memo is to announce the development of a new company-wide Software system. We are currently building a data center that will contain all firm data that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as the "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).
Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.
As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.
I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MYASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, since I've never put anything in MYASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through, she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she was ready to kiss MYASS.
I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.
We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office, see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick this in MYASS".
This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data, the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them out of MYASS".
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[CMA STATEMENT:
The above was a mild warning. This one is even stronger. This the CMA statement.
WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.
THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.
IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.
IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.
AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.]
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A Day at the Races
Horses in the race are:
- Passionate Lady
- Bare Belly
- Silk Panties
- Conscience
- Jockey Shorts
- Clean Sheets
- Thighs
- Big Johnson
- Heavy Bosom
- Merry Cherry
At the Post
And they're off! Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured. Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson in a very tight spot.
At the Halfway Mark
It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs opens up and Big Johnson is pressed in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson.
At The Stretch
Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Johnson is making a final drive. Passionate Lady is coming.
At The Finish
It's Big Johnson giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts through and wins by a head. Heavy Bosom weakens and Thighs pulled up. Clean Sheets never had a chance.
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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