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LYAO -
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What Happens When I Press This Button?
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of using the restroom. Each time he tried to use it, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the ladies room, but she cautioned him against pressing any of the buttons. The buttons were marked "WW", "WA", "PP", and "ATR".
Making a fateful mistake many men make in disregarding what a woman says, he allowed his curiosity to get the best of him and decided to try to press the buttons anyway.
He carefully pressed the first button, marked "WW" and immediately warm water sprayed his entire bottom. He thought, "Golly, the gals really got it made". Still curious, he pressed the second button, marked "WA" and warm air dried his bottom off gently and quickly. He thought that was out of this world. The button marked "PP" caused a large powder puff to powder his bottom with a sweet smelling silky powder. Well, naturally he could not resist the last button marked "ATR".
When he woke up in the hospital, he panicked and buzzed the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened? The last thing I remember is that I was in the ladies room aboard an airplane."
"Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the last button marked "ATR" which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow".
***
[Editor's note: Before 1970, I heard this joke in a slightly different form: It was an extremely modern hotel, and the man was warned not to touch the last button ("KR") only -- all others were fair game. The punch line then was, "Next day, the newspaper headlines screamed, 'Man gets balls ripped off by Kotex Remover'." Kinda brings to mind the saying, "Everything old is new again", don't it? --LYAO Editor]
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Quote
"Work is the cold seat on the toilet bowl of life"
--from a "Ren & Stimpy" comic book
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Mickey D's
In case you didn't hear, someone bit into a burger at McDonald's, and there was a condom (unused, but unwrapped) in it.
"Top 10 McDonald's Excuses for the Condom in the Big Mac"
As presented in a broadcast of the LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN [True -LE]
10. We were test-marketing the new "McTrojan".
9. Condom, condiment - what's the damn difference?
8. It still tastes better than the "Arch Deluxe"
7. It was either there or in the vanilla shake.
6. Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true.
5. We're experimenting with a new, even happier "Happy Meal".
4. So what -- a regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway.
3. Employees too embarrassed to say, "Would you like condoms with that?"
2. Drive-thru speaker broken -- "Coke with lots of ice" sounded like "prophylactic device".
1. When you're serving billions and billions, you can't be too careful.
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Driver ID
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn:
Chicago
One hand on wheel, one finger out window:
New York
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator:
Boston
One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator:
California.
With gun in lap:
L.A.
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror:
Ohio, but driving in California.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat:
Italy
One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game:
Seattle
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window:
Texas city male
One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road:
Texas country male
One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment:
Texas female
Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car:
Colorado
One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter:
Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.
Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna:
West Virginia male.
Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel:
Las Vegas
Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on:
Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, also known as "no-see-um"
(or could it be Marge Simpson?)Two hands on the wheel, driving forty-five in a seventy mph zone in the left lane, with the left turn signal on, and making a right turn:
New Mexico resident (as anyone who has ever driven through this lovely state can attest)
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Welcome to the Church
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore either."
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Be Prepared
A woman and a man get into a car accident. It's a bad one -- both cars are totally demolished ? but, amazingly, neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but, fortunately, we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The man replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this! Here's another miracle! My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man shakes his head in agreement, opens the bottle, takes a few big swigs from it, then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police."
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KidSpeak
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the baseball team?
She ran away from the ball.
Why did the teacher wear sunglasses in the classroom?
Because her students were very bright.
Why did the dog keep biting the tree?
He needed more bark.
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Quote of the Day
Blaming others can be a satisfying way of life.
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Prison Vs Being a Housewife:
In prison you get three square meals a day.
At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it.
In prison you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle.
At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can't sleep without his latest Lego creation.
In prison you get to watch TV, cable even.
At home you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable.
In prison you can read whatever you want and attend college for free.
At home you get to read weekly readers staring Dick, Jane and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years.
In prison all your medical care is free.
At home you have to pawn your mother's silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.
In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up.
At home you get to clean for days advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave.
In prison you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day.
At home you get to clean your space and everyone else's space too and what the hell is free time again?
In prison there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn't.
At home ... stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?
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Ask and Ye Shall Receive (Except when Washington Gets Involved)
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly. His mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed and prayed for weeks, but nothing turned up. He then decided to write a letter to God requesting the $100.00. When the post office received the letter addressed to God, they opened it and decided to send it to the President.
The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a check for $5.00. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank you letter to God. The letter he wrote was as follows:
"Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Washington, D.C.
As usual, those bastards deducted $95.00."
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Reading Between The Lines
Letter of Recommendation:
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
sent away as soon as possible.
Sd/- Project Leader
***
A memo was soon sent, following the letter:
That stupid idiot was reading over my shoulder when I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read every second line (i.e. 1, 3, 5, 7, 9, ..) for my true assessment of him.
Regards, Sd/- Project Leader
***
[To make it easier for you, here's the letter, following the instructions:
Letter of Recommendation:
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
sent away as soon as possible.
Sd/- Project Leader
-LE]
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Hazards of Skinny Dipping
The weather was very hot, so this man wanted desperately to take a dive in the nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water, grabbed a bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief. The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move.
Then one of the ladies said, "You know, I have a special gift. I can read minds."
"Impossible", said the embarrassed man, "You really don't know what I'm thinking?"
"Yes" the lady replied, "for example I know that you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom in it."
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Just a Little Off the Top, Please
A priest, a drunk, and an engineer were about to be put to the guillotine.
The executioner asks the priest, "Do you want to go face down or face up?"
The priest replies, "Face up, so I may look to my reward in Heaven."
The executioner places him into the contraption and lets loose the blade. It falls rapidly toward the priest's neck and miraculously screeches to a halt, inches from his neck. The executioner, taking this as a sign from Heaven, releases the priest.
The executioner asks the drunk, "Face down or face up?"
The drunk replies, "Face up worked for the Father, why not me."
The executioner places the drunk into the contraption and lets loose the blade. As it falls toward the drunk's neck, the blade once more screeches to a halt, inches from his neck. The executioner releases the drunk.
The executioner asks the engineer, "Face down or face up?"
The engineer also chooses face up. As he's lying there about to meet his fate, he calls out to the executioner. "Hey, wait a minute; I see why this thing isn't working."
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New Computer Viruses for Which to Watch
Lorena Bobbitt virus:
turns your hard disk into a 3.5 floppy
Woody Allen virus:
bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter board
Tonya Harding virus:
turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons
Paul Revere virus:
warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\
Hillary Rodham Clinton virus:
instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg
Ollie North virus:
plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files
Joey Buttafuaco virus:
only attacks minor files
Michael Jackson virus:
preys on child processes
Ronald Reagan virus:
saves your data, but forgets where it's stored
Jane Fonda virus:
attacks your hard drive's FAT
Oprah Winfrey virus:
your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands to 300MB, then drops back to 80MB
AT&T virus:
every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting
MCI virus:
every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus
Politically correct virus:
never calls itself a "virus" but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism"
Ross Perot virus:
activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:
terminates and stays resident. It'll be back
Government economist virus:
nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine
Federal Bureaucrat virus:
divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer
Adam and Eve virus:
takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer
Congressional virus #1:
the computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem
Congressional virus #2:
runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything
Airline virus:
you're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore
Freudian virus:
your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive
PBS virus:
your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money
Jimmy Hoffa virus:
your programs disappear and can never be found again
LAPD virus:
it claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense"
O.J. virus:
it claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.
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Sometimes, You Just Can't Win
A priest wanted to raise money for his church, and seeing a fortune in horse-racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it into a race. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that the priest ended up buying a donkey.
The priest figured that since he had the donkey anyway, he might as well go ahead and enter it into the races. Much to his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day, the local sports section of the paper carried the headline:
"PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS"
The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again the following day. This time the donkey won! The next day the local paper read:
"PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT"
The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he told the priest not to enter the donkey in another race. The headline that day read:
"BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS"
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the animal at once. Not surprisingly, the headlines reported:
"RACING PRIEST LOSES HIS ASS"
The bishop was horrified, but figured that was the end of the matter. Unfortunately, the priest disposed of the donkey by giving it To the nearby convent. So, the local paper was able to report:
"NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN"
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey immediately. She found a farmer who was willing to buy the animal for $10.00. The next day the headlines stated:
"NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS"
They buried the bishop that afternoon, and on the day following the funeral, the headlines read:
"TOO MUCH ASS RESPONSIBLE FOR BISHOP'S DEATH"
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When I'm A Little Old Lady ...
[Please note: The following (up to the item divider) is in Fixed Font format to make it appear correctly. However, because of this, it may not, depending on your screen resolution. -LE]
___
(___) When I'm a little old lady
/` `\ Then I'll live with my children
/ /"\ \ and bring them great joy.
\_/o o\_/ To repay all I've had
( _ ) from each girl and boy
`\ /` I shall draw on the walls
/\\V//\ and scuff up the floor;
/ /_ _\ \ Run in and out
\ \___/ / without closing the door.
\/===\/ I'll hide frogs in the pantry,
|| || socks under my bed.
|| || Whenever they scold me,
||_ _|| I'll hang my head.
|_____| I'll run and I'll romp,
||| always fritter away
/ Y \ The time to be spent
`"`"` doing chores every day.
I'll pester my children ___
when they are on the phone. (___)
As long as they're busy /` `\
I won't leave them alone. / /"\ \
Hide candy in closets, \_/o o\_/
rocks in a drawer, ( _ )
And never pick up my clothes \ /`
from the floor. /\\V//\
Dash off to the movies / /_ _\ \
and not wash a dish. \ \___/ /
I'll plead for allowance \/===\/
whenever I wish. || ||
I'll stuff up the plumbing || ||
and deluge the floor. ||___||
As soon as they've mopped it, |_____|
I'll flood it some more. |||
When they correct me, / Y \
I'll lie down and cry, `"'"`
___ Kicking and screaming,
(___) not a tear in my eye.
/` `\ I'll take all their pencils
/ /"\ \ and flashlights, and then
\_/o o\_/ When they buy new ones,
( _ ) I'll take them again.
`\ /` I'll spill glasses of milk
/\\V//\ to complete every meal,
/ /_ _\ \ Eat my banana and
\ \___/ / just drop the peel.
\/===\/ Put toys on the table,
|| || spill jam on the floor,
|| || I'll break lots of dishes
||___|| as though I were four.
|_____| What fun I shall have,
||| what joy it will be to
/ Y \ Live with my children....
`"`"` the way they lived with me!
(author unknown)
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[CMA STATEMENT:
WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.
THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.
IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.
IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.
AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.]
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Probably No Nuts, Either!
Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.
Jane, a reporter, went to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.
As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In pain she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Always check for squirrels."
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You Can't Teach an Old Dog ...
Ma and Pa are sitting on the front porch swing rockin'.
Pa says to Ma, "Screw you, Ma."
A minute goes by. Ma says to Pa, "Screw you, Pa."
A minute goes by. Pa says to Ma, "Screw you, Ma."
A minute goes by. Ma says to Pa, "Screw you, Pa."
Another minute goes by. Pa says to Ma, "Screw you, Ma."
A minute later, Ma says to Pa, "Screw you, Pa."
A couple of minutes go by. Pa says to Ma, "I don't know about you Ma, but I just don't get too much out of this Oral Sex stuff!"
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Flasher
Three old ladies are sitting on a bus bench waiting for the next bus. As they sat there talking, a flasher came up to them and opened his coat.
The first old lay had a stroke.
The second old lady had a stroke.
The third old lady couldn't reach!
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Gives New Meaning to the Term, "Honey Do List"
A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the wife's business end. Naturally enough, she panics.
The husband is also quite shaken, but manages to put a coat on her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car. Then he makes a mad dash to the doctor. The doctor, after examining her, says that the wasp is too far in to remove with forceps, so he says to the husband that he will have to try and entice it out by putting honey on his penis and withdrawing as soon as he feels the wasp.
And so the honey is smeared, but because of his wife's screaming and his frantic dash to the doctor and the general panic, he just can't rise to the occasion. So the doctor says he'll perform the deed if the husband and wife don't object.
Naturally both agree for fear the wasp will do any damage, so the doctor quickly undresses, smears the honey on and instantly gets an erection, at which time he begins to plug the wife. Only he doesn't stop and withdraw but continues with vigor. The husband shouts, "What the hell's happening?"
To which the doctor replies, "Change of plan. I'm going to drown the bastard!!!
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I Want a New Spokesperson
It seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.
He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."
Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip. It'd be so cool. Oh, please, God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh, please? "
On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee). Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.
And so it was. And it was ... well, good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts.
"What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms ... "
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
-----
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