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[Please note: The following (up to item separation) is in Fixed Font format to make it appear correctly. However, because of this, it may not, depending on your screen resolution. -LE]

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It Pays to Know to Whom You Are Speaking

A man walks on to an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is so nervous, and he soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation with her. He asks, "Where are you flying to today?

She responds, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

He is CRAZED with excitement! Here is a gorgeous woman sitting next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! "And what do you do at this meeting?" he asks.

"Well," she says, "we try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"And what myths are those?" he goes on desperately.

She goes on to explain, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American who owns this trait. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who make the best lovers."

"Very interesting ... " the man responds.

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know you! What is your name?"

The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto. Tonto Goldstein."

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Little Johnny (Bug-Killer)

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper.

His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet.

His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"

Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead.

Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her, to which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"

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Medical Misstatements

A collection of documentation statements actually found on patient's charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were written by various health care professionals including (we are afraid) a doctor or two at several major hospitals.

• The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
• The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
• Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
• The skin was moist and dry.
• Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
• The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
• She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
• Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
• The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
• I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
• The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
• Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
• Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
• She is numb from her toes down.
• Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
• While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
• The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
• The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
• Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
• Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
• Patient was alert and unresponsive.
• When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

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Come Back

A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles.

Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man: "What are you looking at you old fart? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore, and had orgy with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."

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How to Give a Cat a Pill

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop the pill in its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp & pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cats front paws down with left hand & back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle (resist impulse to get new cat).
5. Again proceed as in 1 except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle feeding position, sit on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cats mouth by lifting the upper jaw & pop pill in quickly! Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you are doing. That's just as well
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat & pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here anyway?" Open cats mouth, take pill & ... Oops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse & think. Aha! Those flashing slashing claws are causing the chaos here, aren't they?
10. Crawl to the linen closet licking your wounds. Drag back a large beach towel. Spread the towel on the floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter & pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cats front & back legs over its stomach (resist impulse to flatten cat).
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time & tabbies wait for no man - or woman!
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cats mouth & poke gently. Voila! its done!
17. Vacuum up loose fur (the cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins & lie down.

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You might be a teacher if ...

• ... You believe the staff room should have a Valium salt lick.
• ... You find humor is other people's stupidity.
• ... You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free."
• ... You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
• ... You believe "shallow gene pool" should have it's own box on the report card.
• ... You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids are sure mellow today."
• ... When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.
• ... Marking all A's on the report card would make your life SOOO much simpler.
• ... When you mention "vegetables" and you're not talking about a food group.
• ... You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
• ... You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
• ... You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
• ... You really encourage an obnoxious parent to check into home schooling.
• ... You've never had your profession slammed by someone who would NEVER DREAM of doing your job.
• ... You can't have children of your own, because there is NO name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it.
• ... Meeting a child's parents INSTANTLY answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"

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Spooky Coffin

There's a man walking home alone at night, and there is a "BUMP ... BUMP ... BUMP ... " behind him. He walks faster and looks back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging it's way down the middle of the street towards him. "BUMP ... BUMP ... BUMP ... " The man begins to run towards his home, and the coffin bounces after him faster ... faster ...

"BUMP ... BUMP ... BUMP".

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door , gets inside, and locks it ... and the coffin crashes through his door, and the lid to the coffin begins to lift open, bumping towards him. The man runs to the bathroom and locks himself, heart pounding, and CRASH, the coffin breaks down the door, coming slowly towards him, the man is screaming ... the man reaches for something, anything ... and he finds a box of cough drops, and throws them at the coffin ...

... and the coffin stops.

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Politics

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.

The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good. Son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about".

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep sh-t."

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On The Lighter Side

From "The Home Church Discussion List" on the Internet.

• These student bloopers are all genuine, authentic, and unretouched. (None of course, were written by your children or any youngster in your school district)
• It is truly astonishing what happens to Bible stories when they are retold by young scholars around the world.
• In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
• Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
• Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came out on to in pears.
• Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
• The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
• Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
• Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
• The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
• The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
• The Fifth Commandment is humor thy father and mother.
• The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
• Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Josua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
• The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Josua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
• David was a Hebrew King skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
• Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
• When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
• St John, the Blacksmith dumped water on his head.
• Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by swear alone."
• It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tomb stone off the entrance.
• The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
• The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
• One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.
• St Paul cavorted in Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

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Teacher Teacher

Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikaze pilots say to his students?

A: Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once.

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Blowing It in the Wind

A young man was sitting in a bar which happened to be located on the top of a skyscraper. A big fella walked in and said, "Bartender, give me a Jack Daniels." Then, he downed the Jack and jumped out the window.

The young man sitting at the bar was stunned, as the big guy floated back in and sat down. He was amazed and said, "Mister, how in the world did you do that?"

The big guy said, "It's simple, there are a lot of wind currents up here and they sweep you right back in after you jump."

The young man said, "Well, can I try?"

"Sure."

So the young man ran and jumped out the window and fell to his death making a terrible racket.

The bartender looked at the big guy and said, "Damn, Superman, you can be a real a--hole when you're drunk!"

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Some of Dr. Suess' Lesser-Known Books

• The Cat in the Blender
• Are You My Proctologist?
• Fox in Detox
• Who Shat in the Hat?
• Horton Feels a Ho

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The Statue

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water!"

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Rejected State Mottos

CALIFORNIA: The Granola State ... What ain't fruits 'n nuts are flakes.

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Quote of the Day

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

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Things Women Have Said
[I did not verify that the woman attributed said what it's said she said ... uh ... get it? -LE]

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb ... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

-Dolly Parton

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.

-Erica Jong

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours.

-Rita Rudner

I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job.

-Roseanne

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

-Rita Rudner

I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters.

-Susie Loucks

This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?"

-Judy Tenuta

He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant

-Carol Leifer

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

-Wendy Liebman

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

-Erma Bombeck

If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them.

-Sue Grafton

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

-Roseanne

I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead.

-Sue Kolinsky

I look just like the girls next door ... if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

-Dolly Parton

I think -- therefore I'm single.

-Lizz Winstead

"Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid."

-Hedy Lamarr

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country."

-Elayne Boosler

"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch."

-Gilda Radner

"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."

-Maryon Pearson

"Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel."

-Bella Abzug

"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman."

-Margaret Thatcher

"If I were going to convert to any religion, I would probably choose Catholicism, because it at least has female saints and the Virgin Mary."

-Margaret Atwood

"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career."

-Gloria Steinhem

"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry."

-Gloria Steinhem

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then."

-Katharine Hepburn

"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night."

-Marie Corelli

"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths."

-Baroness Edith Summerskill

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?"

-Linda Ellerbee

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house."

-Zsa Zsa Gabor

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[CMA STATEMENT:

[NOTE: This warning will appear before those jokes I consider to be "strong" in content. They will ALWAYS appear at the END of LYAOs, and will not be "mixed in" with the "G-PG or R" rated jokes. Some of these are strong on sexual content, contain extremely gross or possible bestiality references. Please take this warning to heart. You will see that I allow quite a bit of latitude in the jokes before this warning, so if even I think these may be too strong...! -LYAO Editor]

WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.

THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.

IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.

IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.

AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.]

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What Is It?

A 92 year old man is sitting in the bathtub, bathing, when all of a sudden he develops an erection. It is his first erection in 20 years, and reminds him of back in his younger days. He calls out to his wife, "Mildred, Mildred, come quick! Come quick!"

His wife races to the bathroom thinking her husband might be in trouble, "What is it?!" she asks.

He says, "Look! Look!" as he points to his sudden discovery. She looks down and sees his erection pointing straight up to the sky. "What should we do with it?", he asks.

She responds, "I think you should wash it, now that all the wrinkles are out of it!"

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Things "NOT" to Say During Sex

• But *everybody* looks funny naked.
• Is it in?
• That's it?
• You've got to be kidding me.
• (phone rings) Hello? Oh, nothing and you?
• You look better in the dark.
• Don't tell my husband/wife.
• You have the same bra my mom does.
• This sucks.
• Can you finish now? I have a meeting.
• Hurry up! The game's about to start.
• I'm hungry.
• I'm thirsty.
• ZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
• Are those real?
• By the way, I want to break up.
• Haven't you ever done this before?
• Do you know what some female spiders do after sex?
• You're so much like your sister.
• Your mom's cute.
• What's your name again?
• Do I have to be here in the morning?
• Don't touch that!
• I think my dad is listening at the door.
• Smile for the camera, honey!
• Get your hand out of there!
• I think the condom broke.
• Hold on, let me change the channel.
• Hurry up, the motor's running.
• Can I borrow 5 bucks?
• What the hell noise was that?!
• Stop moaning, you sound so stupid.
• You know, you're not really attractive.
• Stop interrupting me!!
• It's ok honey, I can imagine that its bigger.
• Why can't you ever shave your legs?
• Oh Susan, Susan ... I mean Donna ... Sh-t!
• Don't make that face at me!
• All of a sudden I have a headache.
• You're boring.
• I like your t-ts.
• How much do I owe you?
• How come we each have a penis?
• Of course you can't be on top. You're too fat. You'll kill me!
• We'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.
• Get off me, I'll do it myself!!!!
• Can you hold this sandwich for me?
• This is my pet rat, Larry ...
• I was once a woman ...
• Wanna see me take out my glass eye?
• I haven't had this much sex since I was a hooker!
• No, I don't love your mind. I can't grab that!!
• Is it ok if I tell my friends about this?
• You wanted me to use a condom?
• You're no better than my brother!!
• Moooo!!
• Did I tell you where my cold sore came from?
• (start reciting the 10 commandments).
• Of course I don't love you.
• Let me spell it out for you, b-r-e-a-t-h m-i-n-t.
• Do you smell something burning?
• Can you please pass me the remote control?
• Do you accept Visa?
• And to think, I was really trying to pick up your friend!
• Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
• Got any penicillin?
• But I just brushed my teeth ...
• I want a baby!
• Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
• I think you have it on backwards.
• When is this supposed to feel good?
• Did I remember to take my pill?
• Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
• It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
• This would be more fun with a few more people..
• You're almost as good as my ex!
• They're not cracker crumbs. It's just a rash.
• Have you ever considered lipo-suction?
• And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
• I have a confession.
• I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
• You'll still vote for me, won't you?
• I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about ...
• Does this count as a date?
• Is this a sin, too?
• Long kisses clog my sinuses.
• How long do you plan to be "almost there"?

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LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders - All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers, fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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