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LYAO -
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Bumperstinkers
- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
- If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
- Jesus is coming. Everyone look busy.
- Born free ... Taxed to death.
- The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
- Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
- A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
- There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
- I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
- Don't take life too seriously ... You won't get out alive.
- WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
- You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- I got a gun for my wife. Best trade I've ever made.
- So you're a feminist ... Isn't that cute!
- Jesus may love you, but he won't respect you in the morning.
- I need someone really bad ... Are you really bad?
- If -- a two letter word for futility
- I don't care ... I don't have to.
- Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
- To all you virgins: Thanks for nothing.
- I'm not a complete idiot ... Some parts are missing.
- Horn broken ... watch for finger.
- The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
- Earth first ... we'll mine the other planets later.
- Give pizza chants.
- This isn't Burger King. You can't have it your way.
- If something goes without saying, LET IT!
- If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
- Help wanted: telepath: You know where to apply
- Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
- IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
- Jesus loves you ... Everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
- I'm driving this way just to piss you off.
- If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk.
- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
- Where are we going? And why are we in this hand-basket?
- Keep honking ... I'm reloading.
- Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
- Hang up and drive.
- Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
- WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
- This would be really funny if it wasn't happening to me.
- I have the body of a god ... Buddha!
- I get enough exercise pushing my luck.
- Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep
- Guns don't kill people ... but they make it real easy.
- I want to die in my sleep, like my grandfather ...
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.- Towers will be violated
- Lord save me from your followers.
- Meat is yummy!
- Guns don't kill people. Postal workers do.
- Everything I need to know about women, I learned from my dog.
- Born again pagan.
- God must love stupid people -- He made so many.
- So many recipes ... So few cats.
- Cats ... The other white meat.
- The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
- Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!
- There's too much youth. How about a fountain of smart.
- P.E.T.A.: People Eating Tasty Animals
- It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
- When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
- Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
- Where there's a will, I want to be in it!
- If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
- Forget about World Peace ... Visualize using your turn signal!
- Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
- Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.
- We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
- Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
- Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
- Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
- Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
- There are only 3 kinds of people: Those who can count & those who can't.
- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
- Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!' ... until you can find a rock.
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So THAT'S the Reason
Women do not snore, burp, sweat or fart.
Therefore, they must bitch or they will blow up
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So THAT'S the Reason II
Man to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God to Man: "So you would love her."
"But, God," Man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God replies, "So she would love you."
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Man Slams (Obviously Written by Women)
God created man before creating woman, because you need a rough draft before creating a masterpiece.
Wieners come in packs of 10, buns in packs of 8, beer in packs of 6, condoms in packs of 3. Why can't they get it straight. Men need a calculator just to have a weekend.
Diamonds are a girl's best friends. Dogs are man's best friend. So which is the dumber sex?
Single women complain that all good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.
Ever notice how many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender?
- MENstruation
- MENopause
- MENtal Breakdown
- GUYnecology
- HIMmorrhoids
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BIG Trouble
In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit's end trying to control them.
Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father replied, "Sure, do that before I kill them!"
The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first, and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.
The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing. Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk, and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?" The boy panicked and ran all the way home.
Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in BIG trouble!"
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIG trouble?"
His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"
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A Pregnant Pause
Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked? He said he was pleased, and that she was in great shape, but that she was surprisingly pregnant! She told the doctor there was no way, but he said that she most definitely was a month pregnant.
Well, she stormed out of the office, and went to the receptionist, and called the White House. When the operator answered, she said that it was Hillary, and that she wanted to talk to Bill right away.
They rang the oval office, and when Bill answered, Hillary said, "Do you know what you did, you rotten bastard? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!!!
The President remained silent.
Again, Hillary screamed, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU ROTTEN BASTARD? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!!!"
Finally Bill answered, "Who is this?"
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The 11th Commandment
In light of the recent Clinton controversy, the Christian church has added an 11th commandment …
- "Thou shall not put thy rod in thy staff!!!"
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Talk about Hen-Pecked!
St. Peter went to work one day to find 2 lines of men at The Gate. One line snaked its way across heaven, as far as St. Pete could see. Above that line hung a sign reading: "This Line Is For Men Whose Wives *ALWAYS* Told Them What To Do". In the other line, he noticed only one man standing under a sign that read: "This Line Is For Men Whose Wives *NEVER* Told Them What To Do"
St. Peter asked the man, "What are you doing in this line?"
To which the man meekly replied, "My wife told me to stand here!"
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Busy Busy Busy ... Work Work Work
A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up the phone and spoke into it. "I'm sorry, by my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I'll have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in and said, "Now then, what can I do for you?"
"Nothing," the visitor replied. "I'm here to hook up your phone."
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Insults
- All foam, no beer.
- The cheese slid off her cracker.
- Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
- Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
- He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
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Quotes of the Day:
You can pretend to be serious; You can't pretend to be witty.--Sacha Guitry
If guys could have half of their wishes, they would double their trouble.
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[CMA STATEMENT:
WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.
THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.
IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.
IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.
AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.]
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Sometimes It Can Be a Good Thing
The three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook. The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!"
The second old fogey one-upped him. "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!"
The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday I came three times."
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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