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LYAO -
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Theories
Results of a contest for "theories" sponsored by Omni magazine.
GRAND PRIZE WINNER
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
RUNNERS-UP:
#1
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.
#2
Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.
#3
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.
#4
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
HONORABLE MENTION:
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."
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Giving It Up
On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive virgin bride slipped into a sexy, but sweet, nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed only to find that her new Christian husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent!"
Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! To whom did you lend it, and for how long?"
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Bless Me Soul
O'Connell and Mallory were old drinking partners. On the morning after St. Patrick's Day, and in a drunken stupor, O'Connell asked, "Would'ye do me a favour, m'dear friend? After I pass away, would'ye bless me grave with a quart of me favourite whiskey?"
His dear friend, Mallory, quickly obliged him. "Aye, that I would! But would'ye mind if I blessed me kidney's with the whiskey first?"
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The Vote is In
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."
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What?
A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn't want to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So, the wife comes into the doctor's office and the doctor asks her what's wrong, and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.
The wife tells him, "For the last 7 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take an 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take an 'or what'. Back home again I take the cab, and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' So, again, I take an 'or what'. So you see doc when I get home, I'm all tired out, and I don't want it anymore."
The doctor thinks for a second, and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"
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Don't Ask and I Won't Tell
A true story from a reader, who writes that it occurred during her stint of jury duty:
I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman. When he came to his question, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?"
Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do."
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The Little Old Lady and the Bet
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!) The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as too how she came by all this cash, so he asked her "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president. "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure", said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00am as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
Next morning at precisely 10:00 am. the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet. "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants to they could all see. The president complied.
The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them "Well, okay." said the president. "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall, The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have the Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
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Typical Male Housework
This week I am at home & playing house husband. My wife left a list of things I need to do. This is soooooo easy I thought I would share it with you.
Make the beds ... What a waste of effort! We're only going to sleep in them again tonight. Forget that. Scratch one.
Pick up dog poop in yard ... It snowed last night. I don't see any dog poop, kids do you see any dog poop? Scratch two.
Drop your shirts off at the cleaners ... Duhh! I'm on vacation I don't need them. Scratch three.
This is easy, what's the fuss? Think I'll go on line for awhile.
Clean out Tupperware cabinet ... Uhhhh, that's a hard one. GOT IT! Velcro on the door will keep them closed. Scratch four.
Mop kitchen floor ... The dog licked up that sugar spill from breakfast -- floor looks clean to me. Scratch five.
Good doggie go play in the yard. She just loves rolling in the snow.
Find something fun for the kids to do ... That tinfoil in the microwave thing was kinda fun. Scratch six.
This is way too easy. I'll have lots of time for on line.
Vacuum the carpets ... That's a hard one ... Hey kids wanna have some more FUN? Scratch seven.
Feed kids lunch ... Hey kids, don't you have a friend's house to go to? YESSSS! Scratch eight !!!!!!
Clean out hallway closet ... Hmmmm another hard one. That's it! Take enough out of the closet to close the door. Outta sight outta mind. Hmmmm. This other stuff can go under a bed. Scratch nine.
Boy O Boy am I good!
Lunch-time. Pour some chili into the cracker bag & eat. Taaa daaa no lunch dishes !!!
Do laundry ... No problem! I can do that while I'm on line. Scratch ten.
Fold laundry ... Dang! Ya know I never noticed how many pink things this family actually wears. Gonna have to ask da little lady why she buys me pale pink underwear? Check this out a cashmere Barbie sweater. Cool. Scratch eleven.
Put the laundry away ... Baskets in bedrooms work for me! Scratch twelve.
This is way too easy. Wonder why women always complain about house work?"?
Water the Christmas tree ... Ooops! Good thing the carpet is absorbent! Scratch thirteen.
Grocery shopping -- Buy toilet paper ... These old newspapers will do, besides, that's recycling & that's good for the earth ... Scratch fourteen.
Pick up the kids ... Yeah right! We're talking about my kids here. Parents will normally pay to drop them back off. They'll be back. Scratch fifteen.
Make dinner ... Easy! "Hello, do you deliver ? Uhhh, double that. Ya know we will need more dinner tomorrow." Scratch sixteen.
Clean out the dog house ... Duhh! The dog sleeps in our bed. Like that needs to be done. Scratch seventeen.
WOW! All done. Still time for some on line & a nap. Man this is sooooo easy.
Women must complain about house work just to make us guys think they're working.
Wish I was a chick!
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Nice Guys Finish ...
A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafing through the "Big Book" to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life, but you never did anything bad, either. If you can convince me of one REALLY good thing you think you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time I was driving down the road and saw this group of really scary guys torturing a poor girl.
"I slowed down, stopped, got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out from my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang -- a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his ear to his nose. As I approached him, the gang formed a circle around me.
"So, I ripped the chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then, I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!' "
St. Peter was impressed and says, "Really? And when did this happen?"
"Oh, about ten minutes ago."
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Headline Bloopers
- Panda Mating Fails -- Veterinarian Takes Over
- NJ Judge to Rule on Nude Beach
- Child's Stool Great for Use in Garden
- Dr. Ruth To Talk About Sex With Newspaper Editors
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Computer Terms For Rednecks
BACKUP
What you do when you run over a skunk in the woods.
BAR CODE
Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern.
BUG
The reason you give for calling in sick.
BYTE
What your pitbull dun to cusin Jethro.
CACHE
Needed when you run out of food stamps.
CHIP
Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
COMPUTER TERMINAL
Time to call the undertaker.
CRASH
When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
DIGITAL
The art of counting on your fingers.
DISKETTE
A female Disco dancer.
FAX
What you lie about to the IRS.
HACKER
Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
INTERNET
Where cafeteria workers keep their hair.
KEYBOARD
Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
MAC
Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
MEGAHERTZ
How your head feels after 17 beers.
MODEM
What Ya do when the grass gets too high.
MOUSE PAD
Where Mickey and Minnie live.
NETWORK
Scoopin' up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ONLINE
Where you stay when taking the sobriety test.
ROM
Where the pope lives.
SCREEN
Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.
SERIAL PORT
A red wine you drink with breakfast.
SUPERCONDUCTOR
Amtrak's Employee of the year.
SCSI
What you call your week-old underwear.
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I Can Take It, Doc
A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, they found the mailman dead on their porch.
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Redneck Medical Terms:
Artery
Study of paintings
Bacteria
Back door of cafeteria
Barium
What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel
A letter, like A.E.I.O.U.
Caesarian Section
District in Rome
Cat Scan
Searching for kitty
Cauterize
Made eye contact with her
Colic
Sheep dog
Coma
A punctuation mark
Congenital
Friendly
D&C
Where Washington is
Diarrhea
Journal of daily events
Dilate
To live long
Enema
Not a friend
Fester
Quicker
Fibula
A small lie
G.I. Series
Soldiers' ball game
Grippe
Suitcase
Hangnail
Coat hook
Impotent
Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain
Got hurt at work
Medical Staff
Doctors cane
Morbid
Higher offer
Nitrate
Cheaper than day rate
Node
Was aware of
Outpatient
Person who has fainted
Pap Smear
Fatherhood test
Pelvis
Cousin of Elvis
Post-Operative
Letter carrier
Protein
Favoring young people
Rectum
Darn near killed 'em
Recovery Room
Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic
Amorous
Scar
Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion
Hiding anything
Seizure
Roman emperor
Serology
Study of knighthood
Tablet
Small table
Terminal
Illness sickness at airport
Tibia
Country in North Africa
Tumor
An extra pair
Urine
Opposite of you're out
Varicose
Located nearby
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Quotes of the Day
Today is the last day of your life (so far).
Life is not a credit card--it has no limits. Don't be afraid to use it.
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Christmas in Springtime
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.
Then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.
When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, "Where would you like me to put this tree Santa?"
...
And that my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.
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[CMA STATEMENT:
[NOTE: This warning will appear before those jokes I consider to be "strong" in content. They will ALWAYS appear at the END of LYAOs, and will not be "mixed in" with the "G-PG or R" rated jokes. Some of these are strong on sexual content, contain extremely gross or possible bestiality references. Please take this warning to heart. You will see that I allow quite a bit of latitude in the jokes before this warning, so if even I think these may be too strong...! -LYAO Editor]
WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.
THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.
IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.
IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.
AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.]
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Um, Right
A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices she is using the wrong grip. After several failed attempts to correct her, he finally says, "Ok ... Ok ... just grip it like you do your husband's member."
After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the line.
The instructor says, "Wow ... That's great. Now just try taking the racquet out of your mouth."
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Marriage in the Nursing Home
An old couple living in an old folks home decided to get married. So they went to the chapel the very next day for a small ceremony. After the short reception they headed back to their room for some lovin'. As the woman began to undress, she decided that she had better tell her new husband about her heart condition before it gets to hot and heavy.
She was taking off her bra when she said, "Honey, I have Acute Angina."
And he said, "I sure hope so, 'cause those are the ugliest t-tties I ever did see."
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NRA Babies
A pregnant woman walks into a bank, and lines up at the first available teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three times in the stomach. She gets rushed to the hospital where she gets fixed up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor says, "You're going to have triplets. They're fine but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. Don't worry though the bullets will pass through their system, eventually, through normal metabolism."
As time goes on the woman has three children -- two girls and a boy. Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says, "Mommy, I've done a very weird thing!". Her mother asks her what happened and her daughter replies, "I passed a bullet into the toilet".
The mother comforts her and explains all about the incident at the bank.
A few weeks later, her other daughter comes up to her with tears streaming from her eyes. "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!"
The mother says, "Let me guess. You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?".
The daughter looks up from her teary eyes and says, "Yes. How did you know?"
The mother comforts her child and explains about the incident at the bank.
A month later the boy comes up and says, "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!"
"You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?"
"No, I was masturbating and I shot the dog."
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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