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LYAO -

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Great Quotes

"Smoking kills, and if you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."

--Anti-smoking spokesperson Brooke Shields

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

--Former U.S. Vice- President Dan Quayle

"The president has kept all of the promises he intended to keep."

--Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live

"The police are not here to create disorder, they're here to preserve disorder"

--Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 convention

"If you've seen one redwood tree, you've seen them all"

--Forestry expert Ronald Reagan

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas"

--Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago"

--Former U.S. Vice- President Dan Quayle

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people that make them unsafe"

--Former Philadelphia Mayor and Police Chief Frank Rizzo

"The internet is a great way to get on the net"

--Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole

"It is bad luck to be superstitious"

--Andrew Mathis

"He was a man of great statue"

--Boston mayor Thomas Menino on former mayor John Collins

"It's like an Alcatraz around my neck"

--Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret i have was that i didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people"

--Former U.S. Vice- President Dan Quayle

"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off."

--Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."

--Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."

--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

"When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results."

--Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese"

--Former French President Charles De Gaulle

"The loss of life will be irreplaceable."

--Former U.S. Vice- President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."

--A congressional candidate in Texas

"It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody."

--Richard M. Nixon

"The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet."

--Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.

"When I have been asked, during these last weeks, who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct and simple: who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."

--Former U.S. Vice- President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots

"Things are more like they are now than they ever were before."

--Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

"A million here, a million there. Sooner or later it adds up to real money."

--Everett Dirksen

"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."

--Samuel Goldwyn

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."

--Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on Republican family values

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."

--John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

--Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."

--General William Westmoreland

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."

--Former U.S. Vice- President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "A mind is a terrible thing to waste"

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet."

--Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

--Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

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Even Hungry Cannibals Have Taste

A cannibal and his son are wandering through the desert and have not eaten in days. They come upon an oasis and decide to camp in the bushes till someone comes. The next morning they awake to see a beautiful woman bathing in the waterfall. As the father watches the water cascade off her body, he is aware of his son at his side.

The boy says, "I'm hungry, Dad. Let's eat."

The father replies, "This specimen is too good to eat."

The boy grumbles that they have not eaten for days, and he is really hungry. The father says he has a plan. The boy is overjoyed that he will soon eat, so he asks what the plan is.

The father says, "We sneak up to the edge of the clearing, and when she comes out of the water, we kidnap her ... take her home ... and eat your Mother."

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U of N

What does "N" stand for on the University of Nebraska football helmets?

Nowledge

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Cow Joke

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.

The man thought, "Great! He's only 4, and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

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One, Two, Three, GO!

After a few years of married life , this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him, "This is all in your mind," and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."

Finally, the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor.

The witch doctor tells the man, "I can cure this."

He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1-2-3', and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?"

The witch doctor says, "All you have to say is '1-2-3-4', and it will go down. But be warned: It will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home, and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says, "1-2-3." Suddenly, he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says, "What did you say '1-2-3' for?

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Rub Out

Did you hear about the Pole that thought his wife was trying to kill him?

He found a bottle of polish remover in the medicine cabinet.

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Golfing with God

God and St. Peter were playing golf one day. St. Peter teed his ball up and hit it. It was a really nice shot about three hundred yards down the fairway.

Then God teed his ball up. He took a big swing and hit it. At first it looked like a great shot. Then, all of a sudden, it hooked and started for the woods. Just before it went into the woods, a bird flew out, grabbed the ball, flew over the water trap, and let it go. Just before it went into the water, a turtle surfaced. The ball landed on its back as he swam to the shore. Just as the turtle got to the shore, a squirrel ran out of the woods and grabbed the ball. Then the squirrel ran up on the green and dropped the ball in the cup.

St. Peter turned to God and said, "Are we gonna play golf, or are you gonna screw around!!"

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Gotta Keep it Warm, Somehow

This truck driver sits down in a diner and orders dinner. When the waitress brings his plate, he notices that she has got her thumb in his mashed potatoes. He says, "Hey, you've got your thumb in my mashed potatoes."

The waitress replies, "The doctor said I have arthritis and I should keep my thumb warm."

The truck driver says, "Well, you idiot, why don't you stick your thumb up your -ss!"

She says, "I do, when I'm in the kitchen.

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Be Careful What You Wish For

This guy was walking through the desert when he found a magic lamp. He picked the lamp up and rubbed the side of it. Sure enough, a genie popped out. The genie said, "Thank you for getting me out of that lamp. In return, I will grant you one wish."

So the guy thought about it and said, "I want a foreign car dealership in a major metropolitan city."

*POOF* He had a Chrysler dealership in Tokyo.

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Don't Count the Handicapped Out

Upon answering the door to her whorehouse, the madam was surprised to see a multiple amputee.

"Look at yourself," the madam said. "No arms. No legs. What could you possibly do?"

He replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

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In the House

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room, but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage, and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

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Pepsi and the Cannibals

An airplane shipment full of Pepsi had a malfunction flying over the continent of Africa and went down. It took a few weeks for the Pepsi Company to send a three-man rescue team.

While searching the area they found a tribe of cannibals. Asking the Chief of the tribe if he knew anything about the crash, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi."

The Rescue team was shocked! A team member asked, "Did you eat their legs?"

The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi"

The second member asked, "Did you eat their arms?"

The Chief replied, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi."

Totally bewildered, a third member asked, "Did you ... well, you know ... eat their ... things?"

The Chief replied, "No!"

"No?" asked the rescuer.

"No," replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with Coke."

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Moses and the Ten Commandments
[STEREOTYPE WARNING]

Did you hear how Moses got the Ten Commandments?

God was coming down the mountain, and the first person he came across was not Moses. It was a Roman. He asked the Roman if he wanted any commandments. The Roman replied, "What's a commandment?"

God said, "Thou shalt not kill."

The Roman replied, "Hell, no! We're a warring nation. That's how we make our living."

So, God went on down the mountain. The next guy he came across was a nomadic tribesman. He asked this guy if he wanted a commandment. The guy replied, "What's a commandment?"

God said, "Thou shalt not steal."

The guy said, "Hell no! That's how we make our living."

So, God went on down the mountain. The next guy he came across was Moses with a bunch of [people] following him. God asked Moses, "Do you want any commandments?"

Moses asked, "How much are they?"

God said, "They're free."

Moses replied, "Yeah, sure, we'll take ten."

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The Church Tithe
[STEREOTYPE WARNING]>/font>

One day a Catholic Priest, Methodist Preacher, and a Jewish Rabbi were sitting around discussing how they divide the take from each Sabbath.

The Priest said, "What I do is I draw a line down the center of the room and then throw the money up in the air. Whatever lands on the left is God's; Whatever lands on the right is mine."

The Preacher said, "Well, I do almost the same thing; only I draw a circle in the middle of the room. Whatever lands in the circle is mine, and the rest belongs to God."

The Rabbi says, "No, you both are doing it wrong. I take the money and throw it up in the air. Then I yell, "God, take what you want!" Whatever comes back down is mine."

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The Name's the Thing
[STEREOTYPE WARNING]

This couple was crossing the desert with a camel. The lady was pregnant and riding the camel. All of a sudden, they were stopped by an Israeli patrol. The soldiers asked for some identification. The soldiers looked at the I.D.s and saw that the man was Joseph, and the lady was Mary. So they asked the couple where they were going. They replied, "Jerusalem."

The two soldiers looked at each other and grinned. "Yeah, and I guess you're going to name the baby Jesus?"

The couple replied, "What!" We look Puerto Rican?!"!"!"

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[CMA STATEMENT:

WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.

THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.

IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.

IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.

AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.]

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How To Kill An Eel (A True Story)

Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother:

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

"He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold, because he put it under her skirt.

"About this time, Sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because Sis told him she was really HOT.

"Finally, I found out what was making them so sick: A big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST!

"Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake!

"Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands, and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.

"Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissors lock on it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.

"After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up, and sure enough/ They had killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because it just hung there limp, and some of its insides were hanging out.

"Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats ... They have nine lives or something.

"This time Sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet."

Johnny's mother fainted.