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LYAO -
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Cool Idea
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon the guy's passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer.
St. Peter shows him all the sights -- the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a incredibly HUGE room full of clocks. The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"
St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."
The guy thinks this makes sense, but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?
St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving, and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies. "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."
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AOL and the Pearly Gates
A woman knocked on the pearly gates,
Her face was scarred and old,
She trembled and she shook with fear,
She was just about to fold.
"What have you done ... ", St. Peter asked,
" ... to gain admission here?"
"I've been a loyal AOL user sir, ... "
" ... for many and many a year."
The pearly gate swung open wide,
St. Peter rung the bell,
"COME IN AND CHOOSE YOUR HARP, ... " he said
" ... you've had your share of hell.
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Lawyer Joke
Q. How do you kill a lawyer when he's drinking?
A. Slam the toilet seat on his head.
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Quote of the Day
There's no greater power than the Power of Goodbye.
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Payback's a Bitch
A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit some more. He would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit.
One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?"
Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa.
The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?"
Once again, he growled, "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?"
The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?"
And again she was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?"
Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today."
He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?"
"Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them."
"Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked.
She smiled. "What do I look like? Betty Crocker?"
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Old ??????s Never Die, They Just ...
Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
Old teachers never die, they just lose their class.
Old students never die, they just get degraded.
Old skate boarders never die, they just lose their bearings.
Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
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Rejected Hallmark Cards:
My tire was thumping
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire
I noticed your cat. ... Sorry.
***
You had your bladder removed
And you're on the mends
Here's a bouquet of flowers
And a box of Depends.
***
Heard your wife left you
How upset you must be
But don't fret about it
She moved in with me.
***
Your computer is dead
It was once so alive
Don't you regret installing
Windows '95?
***
You totaled your car
And can't remember why
Could it have been
That case of Bud Dry?
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Smart Blondes
Petishun
We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress and makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer and he is talking to the loyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way to the supream cort if we have two. Juj Thomas knos all about hairassment and he will be on are side.
We have also talked to the govner to make a new law to stop this pursicushun. We want a law that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes as much as blond jokes and every so often a red head joke. If we don't get our way we will not date anybody that ain't blond and we will make up jokes about you and we will laff.
Sined by the blonds at the ofise
________________________________________
________________________________________
________________________________________
(sine with a penseel so you can erace it if you make a missteak)
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Three Mice
Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.
The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullsh-t. I gotta go home and f-ck the cat."
[This is a variation of the joke called "Tough Mice" in the 2/10/1998 LYAO. Next time, I may combine them. --LYAO Editor]
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Be Careful What You Ask For (3)
A young woman was depressed because she was so flat-chested. So, when her fairy godmother appeared one day and offered to grant her most heartfelt wish, the young woman instantly requested large breasts.
"All right, my dear," said her fairy godmother. "From this moment on, every time a man says 'Pardon' to you, your breasts will grow."
The next day the woman was walking down the sidewalk, lost in thought, when she bumped into a policeman. "Pardon me," said the cop politely. Her breasts grew an inch. She was ecstatic.
A few days later, the young woman was doing her shopping at the supermarket. Leaving with a large bag of groceries, she bumped into another customer. "Pardon me," the guy said, bending over to help her collect her groceries. The young woman's breasts grew another inch.
Very happy, she decided to treat herself to dinner at a Chinese restaurant. Going in the door, she collided with a waiter, who bowed and said, "Oh, miss, I beg of you a thousand pardons."
The headline in the paper the next day read: "Chinese man killed instantly by two torpedoes."
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Talent Contest
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde all joined a contest to swim the English Channel using only the breaststroke. The redhead finished first and was just exhausted. The brunette was next to finish, and she was in the same shape. Finally the blonde finished.
One of the judges came over to her and said, "I'm sorry, but you came in last."
The blonde said to the judge, quietly, "I don't want to make trouble for the other girls, but they used their arms."
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Kentuckians & the Indiana Contest
Two Kentuckians drove to a gas station in Indiana for a fill-up, because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.
"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.
"How do we enter?" asked one of the Kentuckians.
"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10. If you guess right, you win free sex."
"OK. I guess 7," said one Kentuckian.
"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant.
The next week, the two Kentuckians returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the other Kentuckian asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.
"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10. If you guess right, you win free sex."
"2", said the Kentuckian.
"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon, and try again."
As they walked back to the car, the first Kentuckian said to the other, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said the other. "My wife won twice last week."
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I Ain't Drunk ... I'm Jes' Drinkin'
A True(?) Story from a Police Report:
A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no, he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving, and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line.
Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back, and they run down the street to the robbery.
The guy waits, and waits, and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.
A few hours later the police knock on his door. They ask if Mr. X lives there and the wife says yes. They ask to see him, and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been there all day. The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing the car, so she takes them to the garage, and opens the door where they find ...
|
V|
VThe police car, lights still flashing.
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Man Slam One-Liners
Q: How do you scare a man?
A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
Q: How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
A: At the circus, the clowns don't talk.
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q: What food best describes most men?
A: Jerky.
Q: How is a man like a used car?
A: Both are easy to get, cheap and unreliable.
Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift to women?
A: Exchange him.
Q: What's a man's idea of a perfect date?
A: A woman who answers the door stark naked holding a six pack.
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Johnny & His Fire Engine
A man was walking on the sidewalk, and noticed up ahead that Little Johnny was wearing a red fireman's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever. When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly.
Smiling, he spoke to the little boy. "That's really a nice fire engine you have there son. But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck."
"Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."
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[CMA STATEMENT:
WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.
THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.
IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.
IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.
AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.]
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Top 10 Signs Your Child Has Grown Too Old For Breast-feeding
10. He can open your blouse by himself.
9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.
3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to "Dueling Banjos."
1. Beard abrasions on areola.
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You Don't Underthtand!
A dwarf with a lisp goes to an agricultural show to buy a mare. He wanders around until he comes across a beautiful mare inside a small enclosure with a farmer standing at the gate.
He goes up to the farmer and says, "Excthuth me, can I have a look at your horth?"
"Sure", says the farmer. "Come on in."
The dwarf wanders round and round the mare and then stops, says to the farmer, "Her eyeth, her eyeth, I want to see her eyeth."
The farmer has to bend down and pick up the dwarf to show him the mare's eyes.
"Nith eyeth, nith eyeth, I like thith horth, I like thith horth, I think I want to buy thith horth."
Once again the dwarf wanders around the horse, in turn asking the farmer to pick him up and show him the mare's ears and exclaiming, "Nith earth, nith earth. I like thith horth, I like thith horth, I think I want to buy thith horth." The farmer is starting to get pissed off by this stage because the dwarf is quite heavy.
After he's put back on the ground, the dwarf wanders around the horse some more, mumbling to himself. Suddenly he stops in his tracks and says, "Her twat. her twat, I want to see her twat!"
The farmer, infuriated, picks up the dwarf and drives him head-first into the mare's backside. He leaves the dwarf's little legs kicking and wanders off to talk to his mates for a couple of minutes. He then comes back and extracts the dwarf from his predicament, "SCHLOOOOP!"
The dwarf wipes himself down and says, "I think I better wephwase that. I'd like to thee her gallop!"
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Robbed
Late one night a woman was walking home when a man grabbed her and dragged her into the bushes. "Help me! Help me!" she screamed. "I'm being robbed!"
"You ain't being robbed, slut!" her attacker interrupted. "You're being screwed!"
The woman looked down at her attacker as he unzipped his jeans. "If you're screwing me with that," she fumed, "I am being robbed!"
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Sexy One-Liners
Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q: What's the ultimate rejection?
A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A: K9P.
Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."
Q: What did the potato chip say to the battery?
A: If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.
Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough
Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A: He heard the snow-blower coming.
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Make Someone Happy
A man is out drinking with his buddies one night and suddenly realizes he has stayed out too late and is in for trouble when he gets home.
"No problem," says his friend. "Do what I do to my wife. Sneak into the bedroom, crawl up under the blanket between her legs, and do a little oral sex! She'll forget all about being mad and fall right asleep."
So the guy gets home to a dark, quiet house. He creeps in as quietly as he can, and tiptoes into his bedroom. Following his friends advice, he proceeds under the blanket, and does the deed to gentle moaning and, finally, soft snoring.
Quite pleased with himself, he heads to the bathroom to change his clothes, when he is startled by the sight of his wife sitting on the commode. "Shhhhhhh!!!" she says. "Mother's asleep in our bedroom."
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Just Like Home Away from Home
A man who worked for the fire department came home from work and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire department: Bell 1 rings, we all put on our coats. Bell 2 rings, we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings, we are on the truck ready to go.
"From now on, we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell 1, you strip naked. Bell 2, you jump into bed. Bell 3, we are going to make love all night long!"
The next night he came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1." She took off all her clothes.
"Bell 2." She jumped into bed.
"Bell 3." They began to make love!
After about 2 minutes, she yelled, "BELL 4!!"
He said, "What the hell is Bell 4?"
"MORE HOSE!! MORE HOSE!!" she said. "You are nowhere near the fire!!"
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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