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LYAO -
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Bill Gates Wealth Index
Most people have read the recent reports of how Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates has had his personal net worth soar over 40 billion dollars [1998 - Much more now].
Considering that he made this money in the 22 years or so since Microsoft was founded in 1975, and if he has worked 14 hours a day on every business day of the year since then, that means he's been making money at a staggering half-million dollars per hour, around $150 per second.
Which means that if, on his way into the office, should he see or drop a $500 bill on the ground, it's just not worth his time to bend over and pick it up. He would make more just heading off to work. It's perhaps more disturbing to look at the slope of his appreciation this year. From January to July he's gained some $16 billion, meaning that at the rate he's going, if he sees a $10,000 bill, he's just as well to pass it by.
If it's a pile of cash he has to count, it's even worse. At $2,500 per second so far this year, they would have to be thousand-dollar bills to avoid him losing the money in wasted time while he's counting them. Counting $500 bills would be very unprofitable.
That $16B in 7 months is an astounding rate at which to make money. Over $27 billion per year, that's higher than the entire gross domestic products of Chile and Kuwait. That's right, in 1997 Bill's made much more (before taxes) than the entire population of Kuwait, all the Emirs, oil wells, Sheiks, millionaires and peasants -- everybody.
And forget about companies. Nobody -- even G.M, Exxon, Ford, IBM and Intel combined -- has earned what Bill's done since January by holding onto that MSFT stock. His profit is more than all the sales of Lockheed Martin, J.C. Penny, Boeing, UPS or Intel, and all but 25 of the largest companies on last year's Fortune 500
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Bill Gates Dollars
Another way to examine this sort of wealth is to compare it to yours. Consider the average American of reasonable but modest wealth. Perhaps she has a net worth of $100,000. Mr. Gates' worth is 400,000 times larger.
Which means that if something costs $100,000 to her, to Bill it's as though it costs 25 cents. You can work out the right multiplier for your own net worth.
So for example, you might think a new Lamborghini Diablo would cost $250,000, but in Bill Gates dollars, that's 63 cents.
That fully loaded, multimedia active matrix 233 Mhz laptop with the 1024x768 screen you've been drooling after? A penny.
A nice home in a rich town like Palo Alto, California? Two dollars.
That nice mansion he's building? A more reasonable $125 to him.
You might spend $100 on tickets, food and parking to take your family to see an NHL hockey game. Bill, on the other hand could buy the team for 100 Bill-bills.
You might buy a plane ticket on a Boeing 747 for $1200 at full-fare coach. In Bill-bills, Mr. Gates could buy three 747s. One for him, one for Melinda and one for young Jennifer Katherine.
But one thing Marcus says Bill can't do is even dent the national debt. Should he selflessly donate his stock to the U.S. treasury, he would reduce the $5.37 trillion national debt by well under 1%.
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The Best Present Ever
Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that.
The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?"
"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, "I'll see you in two hours!"
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"Grown up Word"
The former kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up, since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.
The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, "No, no! You went to see your 'grandmother.' Use the grown up word."
The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, "No, no! You went on a trip on a 'train.' That's the grown up word."
Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he had read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Mother-F-cking Pooh"
The teacher fainted.
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Clinton Quickie
Q. Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved?
A. The nation.
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[NOTE: Some previously-released jokes ... Sent before beginning of LYAO list. Most of you haven't seen them, yet. Enjoy!]
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How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity In The Workplace
- Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
- Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
- "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.
- Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
- Insist that your e-mail address be zena_goddess_of_fire @companyname .com or hercules_son_of_zeus @companyname .com
- Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
- Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
- Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
- Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."
- Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
- Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.
- Send email messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc ... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none ... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
- Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
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A Good Reason to Call in Sick
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!" she hearkened, "The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." "You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"
"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" ... Pause ... "C'mon, it'll only take a second."
No logical assurance about how a disposal can't start itself will calm the fears of a person who suffers from "Big-ol-scary-machinephobia," a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies. It is futile to argue or explain, kind of like telling Lloyd Bentsen Americans are over-taxed.
And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into round, I'd have to live with that the rest of my life. So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence but it was I who would suffer.
I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. it was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She ("Buttons" aka "the Grater") had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed.
Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight"syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.
Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My wife told me I should be flattered.
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"
If they had only known.
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I Think There's Been a Misunderstanding
After another class returned from a trip to a working farm, the teacher asked little David if he had enjoyed the trip.
"Yes it was great - we saw sheep, horses, goats, and f-ckers."
Teacher: "Er, fine, fine. I know what the sheep and the rest are, but what is a f-cker?"
David: "Oh, they're the animals that give us milk"
Teacher: But who said they were called, er, f-ckers?"
David: "That was our teacher. Well actually she called them "effers," but we all knew what she meant."
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You Know What I Like!
Wife: Oh, come on.
Husband: Leave me alone!
Wife: It won't take long.
Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife: (Sob-Sob)
Husband: Alright, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Husband: There! Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that's fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.
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The Theology Of Toys
Capitalism
He who dies with the most toys, wins.
Hari Krishna
He who plays with the most toys, wins.
Judaism
He who buys toys at the lowest price, wins.
Catholicism
He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
Anglican
They were our toys first.
Greek Orthodox
No, they were OURS first.
Branch Davidians
He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
Atheism
There is no toy maker.
Polytheism
There are many toy makers.
Evolutionism
The toys made themselves.
Church of Christ, Scientist
We are the toys.
Communism
Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go straight to hell if we catch you selling yours.
B'Hai
All toys are just fine with us.
Amish
Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
Taoism
The doll is as important as the dump truck.
Mormonism
Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.
Voodoo
Let me borrow that doll for a second.
Hedonism
Hang the rule book! Let's play!
Hinduism
He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.
7th Day Adventist
He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
Church of Christ
He whose toys make music, loses.
Baptist
Once played, always played.
Jehovah's Witnesses
He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.
Pentecostalism
He whose toys can talk, wins.
Existentialism
Toys are a figment of your imagination.
Confucianism
Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.
Non-denominationalism
We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play with them.
Agnosticism
It is not possible to know whether toys make a darn bit of difference.
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CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
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