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LYAO -
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The Male Brain
Originally from http://www.slip.net/~batchman/funnypix/male-bra.gif [no longer available]
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Top 18 Ways to Annoy Other People
- Most of you don't really need any help in annoying others.
- Leave the copy machine set to reduce 150%, dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
- In the memo field of all your checks, write "for massage therapy."
- Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
- Insist on keeping your car's windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "just to keep them tuned up."
- Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what YOU think."
- Practice making fax and modem noises.
- Highlight irrelevant information in professional articles and papers and "cc" them to your boss.
- Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."
- Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
- Adjust the tint on your television so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you like it that way.
- Repeat the following conversation a dozen times:
"Do you hear that?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
- As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
- Ask people what gender they are.
- While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
- Sit in your front yard and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
- Sing along at the opera.
- Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
- Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
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The Irish Pub
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds, "You don't say; I'm from Ireland, too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are ye from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it!" says the first man. "I'm from Dublin, too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "What school did ye go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Oh, nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
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Worth Thinking About ... At Least Once!
Money doesn't bring you happiness ...
But it enables you to look for it in more places.
Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong ...
But it sure keeps you from enjoying it.
Middle age is
when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Misers aren't much fun to live with ...
But they make great ancestors.
Be careful what rut you choose ...
You may be in it the rest of your life.
The trouble with bucket seats is ...
not everybody has the same size bucket.
When you see the handwriting on the wall,
you can bet you're in a public restroom.
Opportunities
always look bigger going than coming.
The real reason you can't take it with you is ...
it goes before you do.
Junk is something you throw away ...
three weeks before you need it.
Hospitality is making your guests feel at home ...
even if you wish they were.
A closed mouth
gathers no feet.
A man (or woman) who can smile when things go wrong ...
has found someone to blame it on.
A modern pioneer is a woman who can get through a rainy Saturday ...
with a television on the blink.
The world is full of willing people …
some willing to work ...
and some willing to let them.
Money isn't everything ...
There's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.
Some people are like blisters ...
They don't show up until the work is done.
A true friend
is one that lets his grass grow as tall as his neighbor's.
A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult
while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
If you don't know where you're going ...
you're never lost.
Experience is a wonderful thing ...
It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
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Lawmaker Worried About E-Mail Pregnancy Washington
(Reuters from Steve Morris[?])
Citing the case of a woman who claims she got pregnant from e-mail, an Ohio Democrat is calling for a "chastity chip" for the Internet. Rep. James Traficant, known for his flamboyant rhetoric, gave a brief floor speech Wednesday about a woman named Frances who claimed to have gotten pregnant through an e-mail exchange with a paramour 1,500 miles away.
"That's right -- pregnant," he proclaimed, warning of the dangers of "immaculate reception." He called on Congress to go beyond "V-chips" that would protect kids from sexual content on the Internet, saying: "It's time for Congress to act. The computers do not need a V-chip. The Internet needs a chastity chip." Although Traficant did not say whether he believed the woman's account, he did say it was "enough to crash your hard drive."
Reminds me of another politician story ... A few years ago I lived in Ealing, West London and the Conservative Member of Parliament in the North of the borough was a retired headmaster. He was widely quoted as saying with regard to British Summer Time (our Daylight Savings) "We have to put the clocks back again in the Autumn or the animals will not know when to get up."
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