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LYAO -
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On Success
A man is walking along one day and he comes upon a ladder. Looking up, he sees that the ladder disappears into the clouds. Curious, he begins to climb. Before long, he is *in* the clouds.
He looks around and sees the most horribly ugly woman he has ever seen in his life. Obese, snaggle-toothed, matted hair ... She looks at him, beckons, and says, "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success."
Well, having no intention of doing *anything* with this woman, the man climbs higher up the ladder. A bit further on, he comes upon a woman slightly less ugly than the woman before. Not attractive, by any means, but not repugnant. "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success, "she says.
Again, the man elects to continue his climb. Before long, he comes upon another woman. This one is actually attractive. Not a knock-out, but very pleasing. "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success."
Well, he figures the women keep getting better and better looking as he gets higher and higher. So he decides to continue climbing. A bit farther up is the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen in his life! Miss America beautiful! In a sultry voice she says, "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success."
Well, needless to say he is *very* tempted. But he just can't imagine what could top this woman, so he decides to climb higher.
On the next cloud up is a horrid 500 lb man. You can see the lice in his hair, he stinks, his clothes are ratty ... "Who are you?" our climber asks in horror.
Grinning a toothless grin, the man looks at him and says, "Hi. I'm Cess."
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The Top Ten Things A Man Should Never Say In Victoria's Secret.
#10) Does this come in children's sizes?
#9) No thanks. Just sniffing.
#8) I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
#7) Mom will love this.
#6) Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
#5) No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
#4) Will you model this for me??"
#3) The Miracle What?" This is better than world peace!!
#2) 45 bucks?" You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in Victoria's Secret:
#1) Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat a-- into that.
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Spread Your ... Wings
A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquires.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots, who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responds.
So, the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the bibles away. Our prayers have been answered!"
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Man Slam III
Women Talk "Straight" to Men
The reason our bras don't always match our underwear
is because WE actually change our underwear.
The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat,
take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.
If we're watching football with you, it's not bonding.
It's the butts.
If the truth hurts,
ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your payday.
Whenever possible,
please try to say whatever you have to say *after* the movie.
Don't fret
if you find out that the milkman delivers more than once a day.
Please don't drive
when you're not driving.
Lay off the beans
several hours before bedtime.
Our bedtime headaches are
inversely proportional to the number of baths you take.
If you were really looking for an honest answer,
you wouldn't ask in bed.
The next time you joke about female drivers,
research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.
If only women gossip,
how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy?"
When you're not around,
I belch loudly, too.
Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life.
You'll never see the 'island' coming.
Have a strong need for male bonding?
Visit your proctologist.
Your contributions to your child should
go above and beyond that Y-chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed.
Eye contact is best established
above our shoulder-level.
Your balding is a *good* thing.
It subsidizes our hair care expenses.
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Man Slam IV
Women Get Revenge
What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.
Why don't men have to use toilet paper?
Because god made them perfect assholes.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One ? Men will screw anything.
What do you call a man with an IQ of 50?
Gifted.
What do men & beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up.
Why do men always have stupid looks on their faces?
Because they are stupid.
How are men & parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken & the ones that are left are handicapped.
What do men have in common when it comes to toilet seats, anniversaries & a clitoris?
They miss them all.
How do you know if a man has had an orgasm?
He snores.
What is the difference between government bonds and a man?
Bonds mature.
What did god say after creating man?
I can do better.
What is the difference between man and yogurt?
Yogurt has culture.
Why is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when it's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will stay.
Why are men like laxatives?
Because they irritate the sh-t out of you.
What do coffee, cats & men have in common?
They all keep you awake all night.
Why did god create men?
Because a vibrator cannot mow the lawn.
How can you tell if a man is dead?
He stays stiff for more than 2 minutes.
Why are men better than cats?
Men only piss on the carpet in the bathroom.
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Man Slam V
HUSBAND: Why do you wear a bra? You've nothing to put in it.
WIFE: You wear underpants don't you.
***
HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea. You stand by the ironing board & I'll sit on the sofa & fart.
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And You Thought She Was Mistaken
An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked.
"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."
"You mean a sectional sofa?" he suggested.
"Sectional, schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"
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Ya Gots to Have Your Priorities Straight
A policeman noticed an old lady standing on a street corner during a sudden windstorm. She was bracing herself by holding a lamppost with one hand, and she was holding her hat snuggly against her head with her other hand. Unfortunately, a strong gust blew her dress upward, and it continued to flap in the wind, exposing her privates for everyone to see.
The policeman asked, "Hey Lady, everybody is taking a look at what you've got. Don't you think that pulling your dress down is more important than worrying about your hat?"
"Look, sonny. What these people are looking at is 85 years old. But the hat is BRAND NEW!"
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New Car Radio
A lady bought a new $100,000 Mercedes and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home. Halfway home, she attempted to change radio stations, and found that there appeared to be only one station.
She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer. Once back at the dealer, she found her salesman and began to excitedly explain that her radio was not working, and they must replace it, since she only had one radio station.
The salesman calmed her down and told her that her car radio was voice-activated; that she would only need to state aloud the type of music that she wanted and the car would find it.
She got into the car, started the engine, said the word "country," and the radio changed to a station playing a George Strait song. She was satisfied, and started home.
After a while she decided to try out the radio and said "rock n roll." The radio station changed, and a song by the Rolling Stones came from the speakers.
Quite pleased, the woman continued driving. A few blocks from her house, another driver ran a light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision. The woman angrily exclaimed "Asshole!" and the radio cut over to …
... a Bill Clinton press conference.
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What's That, Mommy?
A mother and daughter were riding in a cab through New York City, when the daughter noticed some scantily-clad women loitering on a street corner. "Mom," the little girl asked. "What are all those ladies doing?"
"They are waiting for their husbands to come home from work," the mother replied.
"C'mon, lady," the cabby interjected. "Tell her the truth. They're hookers!"
After a stunned silence, the daughter piped up, "Mommy, do hookers have children?"
"Of course," the mother replied. "Where do you think cabbies come from?"
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You Get More Than One Blonde Together ...
Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours, they finally saw a sign it said, "Disneyland Left"
So, they turned around and went home.
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Doctor, Doctor, Give me a Clue
When the surgeon came to see his young female patient on the day after her operation, she was slightly embarrassed. So the doctor asked. "What's wrong?"
"Well, this is a bit embarrassing for me, but just how long will it be before I can resume my normal sex life?"
"Uh," stammered the doctor, as he thought pensively. "Uh, I hadn't really thought about it." replied the stunned surgeon. "You're the first patient to ever ask me that after a tonsillectomy."
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The "Flute"
This guy was out hunting one day. He had all the gear: the jacket, the boots, and the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun, and it went off, right at his penis.
So, he went to the doctor and got put under the gas. When he woke up, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it. When he was completely awake, and ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card.
"This is my brother's card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him."
The guy says, "Is your brother a doctor, too?
The doc replies, "No, he plays the flute. He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye."
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It's Just Like Riding a Bike
A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.
"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."
The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulling on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over, "I can't get this mower to start."
The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."
The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss."
The little boy looked at him happily, and said, "Just keep pullin' on that rope. It'll come back to ya!"
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It's All in How You Say It
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which read, "TWO PROSTITUTES ... $50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them, and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail because it was illegal to have an advertising sign on a vehicle in this town. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." The hookers asked the cop why he let the other car go, and he said, "Well, that's a little different, because that sign pertains to religion." So, the two ladies removed their sign and took off.
The following day, the same cop was in the area, and he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them, when he noticed the new sign which read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER ... $50.00."
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The Name's the Thing
An Indian chief and his son are sitting down one day, and the son asks: "Dad, how do we Indians get our names?"
"It's very simple," replies the chief. "Your brother was born by a river, so we call him Running Brook. Your other brother was born in the early morning, so we call him Rising Sun.
"Why do you ask, Broken Rubber?"
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Going To A Party
An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party ?"
"Yeah," the man answered. "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But, you look like Abe Lincoln," protested the barkeep.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
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Tune In
Husband and wife are getting all snuggly in bed. The passion is heating up, but then, the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me."
The husband says, "WHAT?""
The wife explains that he must not be "in tune" with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight, and he might as well deal with it.
So, the next day, the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells her to take all three of them. Then, they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 a pair. And then, they go to the jewelry department, where she gets a set of diamond ear rings. The wife is so excited! She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet.
The husband says, "But, you don't even play tennis ... but, OK. If you like it then let's get it."
The wife is jumping up and down so excitedly! She cannot even believe what is going on. She says, "I am ready to go. Let's go to the cash register."
The husband says, "No ... no ... no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff."
The wife's face goes blank. "No, honey. I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
Her face gets really red, and she is about to explode, when the husband says, "Apparently, you must not be 'in tune' with my financial needs as a man!!!"
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That Explains That!
USA, Palo Alto, CA (AP) -- "Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer, and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.
No further testing is planned."
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[CMA STATEMENT:
WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.
THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.
IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.
IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.
AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.]
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I'll Have Mine Shaken, Not Stirred
On their third night after the wedding, the two blissful newlyweds shut off the lights and crawl under the covers. Turning amorously towards his bride, Ole tenderly informs Lena that tonight he wants a hand job, instead of the usual stuff. Lena, being the proper girl that she is, had absolutely no idea what a "hand job" was. So, she gets out of bed, puts on her robe and heads for the phone to call her mom.
"Mom," says Lena, "Ole wants a hand job and I don't know what he means."
"Oh, Lena," says her mother, "that's real simple. Just grab his thing and shake it like a bottle of ketchup."
"Gee, Mom! That's easy enough," replies Lena.
So, Lena hangs up the phone, removes her robe and crawls back into the sack. She snuggles up to Ole, grabs his thing firmly with one hand ... and starts beating the end with the other.
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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