---

| Home | LYAO Audio | LYAO Pix | Fun Links | Site Map |

---

LYAO -

----------

Supposedly "Actual" Outgoing Messages

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry. I have plenty of money.

(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas, no. His valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

(From a Japanese man in Toronto) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

----------

Things That Piss Me Off

• The Pillsbury doughboy is "way" too happy -- considering he has no genitals.
• When something is "new and improved," which is it?
  If it's new, then there has never been anything before it.
  If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
• People who will get off their a-- and spend hours searching for the TV remote -- when they'll refuse to walk to he TV and change the channel manually.
• When people say, "Oh, you just want to have your cake and eat it too."
  What good is a damn cake you can't eat?
  What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?
• When people say, "It's always in the last place you look."
  Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?
  Do people do this? Who and where are they?
• When people say, while watching a movie, "Did you see that?"
  No, I paid $8.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the wall.
  What did you come here for?
• The radio ad: "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't."
  Well, I hope you don't drive sober either, Mr. Healey. You're blind, for God's sake!
• People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?"
  Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there, buddy?
• People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.
  I know where my watch is buddy. Where is yours?
  Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

----------

Quote of the Day

The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

----------

It Really Could Be Worse
[Comment from Contributor: "Oh, my God! This is EXACTLY what my job is like!" If you think you have it bad .... --LYAO Editor]

When people ask me to describe my job, I always ask them to imagine trying to teach someone to tie their shoelaces -- over the phone.

Shoelace Bob (SLB): Good afternoon. Aglets & Things. How may I help you?

Loser: I can't tie my shoes.

SLB: Okay. Do you have your shoes with you?

Loser: Just a minute. {Phone goes clunk. Sound of rummaging comes over the line.} Okay, I've got them. What should I do now?

SLB: Before we can begin, I need to know what kind of shoes you have.

Loser: I don't know what you mean.

SLB: Are they sneakers? Doc Martens? {hopefully} Maybe even loafers?

Loser: {wails} I don't know! I don't understand all these technical terms, I just want to put my shoes on and walk around!

SLB: {soothingly} Okay, okay. We'll work on that as we go along. For now, the first thing you need to do is slip the shoes onto your feet. Put the left shoe on your left foot, and the right shoe on your right foot.

Loser: How do I know which is which?

SLB: They curve inward. When you've got them on the right sides, the toes will point toward each other slightly.

Loser: Okay, I've got them on my feet. You know, I should go get a pen so I can write this stuff down. Just a second. {Brief pause} Well, I've got the pen, but the shoes just came off my feet.

SLB: Did you slip your heels into the back part of them?

Loser: No, I just kind of stood on the back part. How am I supposed to get my heel in there?

SLB: Just reach in there with your finger to pull it and make room to tuck your heels in.

Loser: My cousin said I need a shoehorn to do that part. Do I really need that?

SLB: You can get along without that most of the time.

Loser: Okay, they're on my feet again.

SLB: Now, you need to tie the laces. I want you to reach down with both hands, and grip the ends of the laces on either side in each hand.

Loser: {grunting} I can hardly reach it. Ouch! My back hurts and my knees are going all funny.

SLB: Are you sitting down?

Loser: No, I'm standing.

SLB: {sigh} It's easier if you're sitting down.

Loser: Okay, I'm sitting.

SLB: Now, you need to cross the right lace over the left, then take the end of the right lace, and loop it back and under the left lace.

Loser: {???} What?

SLB: You've got the laces in both hands. Cross them, and at the point where they cross, grip both of them together using the thumb and index finger of your right hand. {Shoelace Bob whispers a silent prayer that the customer isn't left-handed.}

Loser: Okay, they're crossed, and I'm holding them together.

SLB: Good. Now, use your left hand to take the right-hand lace, pull it back, and loop it under the arch. It'll come out at the front again.

Loser: {puffing with mental effort} Okay.

SLB: Good! Now, grip both laces and pull them apart. This will tighten the knot you've created.

Loser: It went right back down to the shoe.

SLB: Excellent. That's the first part done. Now, the laces have switched positions: the left one is now the right, and vice-versa.

Loser: Uh-huh.

SLB: Now, this next part is tricky. Grip the left lace with your left hand, and wrap it around the index finger of your right hand to form a loop. Then, keep the loop in place by gripping the base of it with the thumb and index finger of your left hand. Be sure to leave some slack on the left lace!

{Much discussion ensues about exactly what this means.}

SLB: Now, take the right lace and loop it around *both* your thumb *and* the other lace, so that the loop sticks out.

Loser: I've got it wrapped around.

SLB: Now stick the loose end of the right lace, which you've just wrapped around, *underneath* your thumb, and stick it through to form another loop.

Loser: Trying {grunt} My thumb is stuck!

SLB: Just pull your thumb out of there, and we'll try again.

Loser: {panicking} It's turning purple! Oh my God, I'm gonna lose my thumb!

SLB: No, sir, you're not going to lose your thumb! Pull your thumb out of there and we'll try again.

Loser: Oh, my God! Forget this! I didn't know it would be this complicated. I'm going back to wearing flip-flops. {click}

----------

Actual Quotes from Actual Managers
(from the "Dilbert's World Quotes Contest")

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." --(The winning quote from Charles Hurst at Sun Microsystems)

"What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter."

"How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?"

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should only be used for company business."

"Turnover is good for the company. It proves we're doing a good job in training people."

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day. We've been working on it for months. Go act busy for a few weeks, and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."

----------

Signs, Signs, Everywhere are Signs
[from CIDU]

Oddly enough, nobody's claiming these are real signs

At an Auto Body Shop:

"May we have the next dents?"

Outside a Radiator Repair Shop:

"Best place in town to take a leak."

In a Non-smoking area:

"If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On Maternity Room door:

"Push, Push, Push."

On a Front Door:

"Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Scientist's door:

"Gone Fission"

On a Taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's window:

"Time wounds all heels."

On a Butcher's window:

"Pleased to meat you."

On a fence:

"Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

Outside a Hotel:

"Help! We need inn-experienced people."

In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium:

"Drop your pants here."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

On a Music Teacher's door:

"Out Chopin."

At the Electric Company:

"We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Beauty Shop:

"Dye now!"

On the side of a Garbage Truck:

"We've got what it takes to take what you've got."

On the door of a Computer Store:

"Out for a quick byte."

In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

Inside a Bowling Alley:

"Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

In a Cafeteria:

"Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."

On the door of a Music Library:

"Bach in a minuet."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

In a Counselor's office:

"Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."

----------

Killing a Lobster
{I received this as "stolen goods" from the Backpack Bistro site - also from CIDU]

Kari and I love lobster, but we hate to put them live into boiling water (we only did this once and the guilt nearly killed us). We "brainstormed" one night to come up with alternative ways to kill a lobster and these are some methods we came up with.

• First of all, don't even try to drown him. It won't work.
• Don't poison him either. That would be really stupid if you're going to eat him.

Here are some possibilities that just might work:

• Knock him out, put him in a car, pour whiskey on him, and cut the brake lines.
• Take him hunting …
• When he's in the bathtub, throw in a radio.
• Put some money in his pocket so it sticks out a little, drive him to the city and make him walk down an alley.
• Put the word out on the streets that he's a stoolie.
• Secretly replace his heart medicine with Flintstone's vitamins.
• Take him skiing in avalanche season.
• Arrange a boating accident.
• Encourage him to run with scissors.
• Send him a letter bomb.
• Buy him flying lessons and loosen the screws on the steering wheel.
• Have him testify to Ken Starr against the Clintons.
• If you see him leaning out a high window, pop a bag behind him.
• When he's skydiving, remove his parachute from the pack.
• Send him to Baghdad to sell American flags.
• Serve him blowfish sushi, incorrectly prepared.
• Spread honey on him and tie him to an anthill.
• Take him scuba diving with an empty tank.
• Get him to play golf during a lightning storm.
• Ask him to clean your gun without first unloading it.
• Put a firecracker and a magnifying glass in his back pocket.
• Take him to the zoo and push him in the lion's cage.
• Any of these methods should be carefully done to make it look like an accident.