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LYAO -
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The Safe Side
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of an alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a little old lady was looking out her kitchen window, watching the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley, back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, to their surprise, they saw the little old lady zooming by them. Huffing and puffing, they met the lady at the truck, and immediately asked her what possessed her to run so quickly that she passed them.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I saw two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
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Funny, I Don't Remember Wearing Suspenders
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.
She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block, and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed, and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"
"Yes, I am," said the officer.
"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?!"
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Yo Mama Joke
Yo Mama's so ugly, I hear your dad takes her to work with him, so he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
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Quotes of the Day
How can I be overdrawn? I still have checks.
Some grow with responsibility; others just swell.
I am here for a good time -- not a long time.
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Riding a Bike
A missionary, who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient, gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English. So, he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree, and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree, and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther, and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks, and grunts, "Rock."
The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results. Suddenly, they hear a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered, and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun, and kills them.
The padre goes ballistic, yelling at the chief, "I've spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other. How can you just kill these people in cold blood that way?"
The chief replied, "My bike."
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You're Passionate
Two police officers see this old woman staggering down the street. Stopping her, they can tell she has had far too much to drink. Instead of taking her to jail, they decide to just drive her home. They load her into the police cruiser, and one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman.
As they drive through the streets, they keep asking the woman where she lives. All she says, as she strokes the officer's arm is, "You're passionate"
They drive awhile longer and ask again. Again, the same response, "You're passionate," as she strokes his arm.
The officers are getting a little frustrated, so they stop the car and say to the woman, "Look, we have driven around this city for two hours, and you still haven't told us where you live."
She replies, "I keep trying to tell you! You're passin' it!"
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Man Slam VI(?)
A man is a creature who can't wait ten minutes for a woman but, can sit motionless for hours for a small fish.
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The Bishop and the Priest
This bishop invites a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the priest can't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper is.
Over the course of the evening he starts to wonder if there's more between the bishop and the housekeeper than meets the eye. Reading the young priest's thoughts, the bishop volunteers, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."
About a week later, the housekeeper comes to the bishop and says, "Your Excellency, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?"
The bishop says, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure."
So, he sits down and writes: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later the bishop receives a letter from the young priest, which reads: "Your Excellency, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."
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Sex in the 80s
Scientist have discovered that folks can now enjoy sex well into the eighties. They just can't participate.
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Bolt Me
"What's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt ?" the shop teacher asked the only girl in the class during the first day of school.
She pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, can't rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."
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Chubby Love
After two plump people finish making love, the woman turns over and says, "Thanks for the tip."
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Hickphonics
"HICKED ON PHONICS" WERKED FER ME!!" :-)
The Atlanta School Board has decided to pursue the seemingly endless taxpayer pipeline through Washington by designating Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone.
Following are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:
HEIDI
noun. Greeting.
HIRE YEW
complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: Heidi, hire yew?"
BARD
verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH
noun. The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
BAMMER
noun. The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."
MUNTS
noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and ah ain't herd from him in munts."
THANK
verb. Ability to cognitively process. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
BARE
noun. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
IGNERT
adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH
noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL
noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR
noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thang's gonna catch far."
TAR
noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE
noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD
Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
FAT
noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat. Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."
RATS
noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
FARN
adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed ... mus' be from some farn country."
DID
adjective. Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR
noun. A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen. Usage: "He cain't breathe! Give 'im some ear!"
BOB WAR
noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JEW HERE
Noun and verb contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
HAZE
a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah! Haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit 'n 'is laf."
SEED
verb, past tense of "to see."
VIEW
contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City. View?"
GUMMIT
Noun. A bureaucratic institution. Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert."
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The Apple Tree
A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his testicles are. "Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life," he tells her, by way of poetic concealment.
She tells this to her mother, who replies, "Did he say anything about that dead branch they're hanging on?"
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Ya Gots to Have Your Priorities Straight II
A guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to piss his wife off for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife. Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story, "Wow, that's awful, what did you do?"
"Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and hightailed it back here. Shoot! They were just getting started! So I figure, I got time for a couple more beers."
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Friends and Lovers
"The attractive man I met last night insists he just wants to be friends," the girl tells her maiden Aunt. "Now, I know what to do with a lover, but what the heck do I do with a 'friend'?"
The wise old lady smiles and says, "The same as with your lover, Dearie, only not quite so often."
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More Signs You Are Addicted To AOL
- You check the weather by checking under the travel section.
- You fix the whole week's dinners on Sunday & freeze them so you don't have to be bothered when somebody else wants to eat.
- All your current friends have between 5-10 letters in their names.
- You quickly run to the restroom and people tell you that they've missed you in the two minutes you've been gone.
- You have been through one or more online engagements.
- Your first child is named Heathr123.
- Your child's godmother is someone you have never met.
- You dream in text.
- You get your friends to join AOL so they'll stop bumping you off by phoning.
- You get your mother to join because you just don't have the time to stop by to see her anymore.
- Your spouse buys another computer so you can have sex together.
- You've met your last five girlfriends in the AstroReading room with the come-on line, "So, what's your sign?"
- You go on Disability, claiming that you can no longer work due to Carpal Tunnel Syndrome brought on by hours of trying to get connected to AOL on a Sunday night.
- You no longer have clocks that run, other than the computer clock.
- You don't remember what your bedroom looks like.
- You got drunk last Friday night in one of the Saloon rooms & had cyber with the whole room.
- You have a daily planner for upcoming AOL events & scheduled meetings with your friends.
- You only answer to your online screen name.
- Every time someone enters your house you ask them to say "ding-dong" and when they leave you ask them to say "slam."
- You keep the dog's/cat's food by the computer so they don't starve.
- You no longer remember how to write a letter "the old fashioned way."
- Your doctor tells you you need more exercise so you switch your mouse to the other hand.
- You check your email every half hour, but haven't checked your postal mail in over a week.
- You have neighbors peeking in the window to make sure you are still alive.
- You look in the mirror and wonder when you went gray.
- When you leave for an hour, you have to call home and have somebody check your email.
- You try to wait to eat till it's a "slow time."
- You sneak a laptop into church.
- You ask your pastor/priest/rabbi to go online.
- You only go to job interviews where you have heard they have online access.
- You've learned more about the human anatomy online than you ever did in school.
- You try to beat your old record of continuous time on.
- You want to learn a new language, so you go to the German rooms.
- The Pizza Hut delivery staff know you by your first name, because cooking takes too much time.
- Before you dial up AOL, you call your pastor/priest/rabbi to pray that you will get through.
- At your wedding, you have someone describing everything happening to all your online friends who couldn't be there.
- You attend America Online Anonymous meetings every week in a private chat room.
- You are currently writing a do's & don'ts book about AOL etiquette.
- You are leaving more in your will to your online friends than your family.
- You actually cuss out loud when there is no one logged on in your buddy list.
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Bumpersnickers
- I'm a corporate executive -- I keep things from happening.
- If Clinton is the answer, it was a stupid question.
- Lobotomies for Democrats: It's the law.
- Bad Cop! No donut!
- Where are we going and why am I in this hand-basket?
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- On the other hand, you have different fingers.
- Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?
- I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
- When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
- Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
- Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
- I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
- He's not dead -- He's electroencephalographically challenged.
- She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
- I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
- Honk if you love peace and quiet.
- Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
- Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
- A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
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Everything's Big in Texas
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!"
The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!"
The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally opened the door leading to the swimming pool. He fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!!!"
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Staff, Stuff, Stiff
A new mortuary in a tough mill town decided to advertise in an unorthodox fashion, and so draped a banner on the front of their building that read: "Our Staff will stuff your stiff."
Not to be outdone, the Madame across the street had her girls respond with a banner too: "Our Stuff will stiff your staff."
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The President and the Pope
President Clinton and the Pope die on the same day. Due to an administration foul up, Clinton is sent to heaven, and the Pope to Hell. The Pope explains the situation to the Devil. He checks out all of the paperwork, calls the Pearly Gates admitting office, and the error is acknowledged. The Pope is told, however, that it will take about 24 hours to fix the problem.
The next day, the Pope is called in, the Devil says his good-byes, and he begins his journey to heaven. Along the way, he meets Clinton, who is on his way down, and they stop to chat.
The Pope says, "Sorry about the mix-up. By the time you get to Hell, it's really too late to save any souls."
Clinton replies, "No problem. I'm sure I'll be with more familiar company down below, anyway."
The Pope continues, "Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven."
"Why's that?" Clinton asks.
"All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary," the Pope replies.
"Oh," says Clinton. "I'm afraid you're a day late."
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Caddy
A man and his wife were driving through Arkansas on their way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, the man decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up.
"Wot can ah do fer ya'll?" the attendant asked.
"Fill it with supreme," the man said.
While the attendant was filling the tank, he looked the car up, down, and sideways. "What kinda car's dis heah?" he asked. "Ah ain't never seed one like it afore."
"It's a brand new Cadillac," the driver said proudly. "It has power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a CD player, an 8-speaker stereo, rack-and-pinion steering, disk brakes, leather interior, digital instruments ... "
"Wow," said the attendant. "Dat tere's the fanc'est cah ah ever did seed."
"How much do I owe you?" asked the driver when the attendant had finished.
"Dat'll be $30.25," he replied. The driver pulled out his money clip and peeled off a $20 and a $10. Then he went into his pocket and pulled out a handful of change. Mixed in with the change were a few golf tees.
"Wot're dem li'l tings, dere?" asked the attendant.
"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," said the man.
"Goo'ness," said the attendant. "Dem Cad'lac people tinka ever'tin."
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Yee-Haa -- More Country and Western Song Titles
- If Love Were Oil, I'd Be a Quart Low
- If My Nose Were Full Of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
- If The Phone Don't Ring, Baby, You'll Know It's Me
- If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
- If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
- Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
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Strange US State Laws
[I don't have information if any of these laws are really exist(ed) or if any are STILL in affect. Be careful out there.
You know, some of these laws are very worrisome. Think about it. Most laws are only enacted AFTER someone has done something to warrant the law ... --LYAO Editor]
***
Minnesota
- It is illegal to tease skunks.
- Every man in Brainerd is required by law to grow a beard.
Michigan
- A state law stipulates that a woman's hair legally belongs to her husband.
- Under state law, dentists are officially classified as "mechanics."
- In Clawson, it is legal for a man to "sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens
New York
- In Staten Island, it is illegal for a father to call his son a faggot or queer in an effort to curb girlie behavior.
- In NYC, "it is disorderly conduct for one man to greet another on the street by placing the end of his thumb against he tip of his nose and wiggling the extended fingers of that hand."
North Carolina
- It is illegal to have sex in a Churchyard.
- It is illegal to make love on the floor of a hotel room between two double beds.
Oklahoma
- Whale hunting is strictly forbidden.
- People who make "ugly faces" at dogs may be fined and/or jailed.
Ohio
- In Columbus, it is illegal for stores to sell corn flakes on Sunday.
- In Oxford, it is illegal for a woman to disrobe in front of a man's picture.
- In Youngstown, it is illegal to run out of gas
Oregon
- The town of Hood River prohibits the act of juggling without a license.
Montana
- In Whitehall, it is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to the wheels.
- It is a felony for a wife to open her husband's mail.
Nebraska
- If a child burps during a church service in Omaha, his or her parents may be arrested.
- It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state license.
Florida
- Unmarried women who parachute on Sundays will be jailed.
Georgia
- In Quitman, it is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.
- In Columbus, it is illegal to sit on one's porch in an indecent position.
Pennsylvania
- "Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that blends with the countryside, and let the horses pass. If the horses appear skittish, the motorist must take his car apart piece by piece, and hide it under the nearest bushes."
Rhode Island
- Its illegal to throw pickle juice on a trolley.
Tennessee
- It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish.
- In Dyersburg, it is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date.
- In Memphis, it is illegal for a woman to drive by herself; "a man must walk or run in front of the vehicle, waving a red flag in order to warn approaching pedestrians and motorists."
Texas
- The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned because it contains a formula for making beer at home.
- It is illegal to milk another person's cow.
Utah
- A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife in his presence.
Virginia
- In Richmond, it is illegal to flip a coin in any eating establishment to determine who buys a cup of coffee.
- In Lebanon, it is illegal to kick your wife out of bed.
Vermont
- It is illegal to deny the existence of God.
- It is illegal to whistle underwater.
- Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.
Arkansas
- A man can legally beat his wife, but no more than once a month.
California
- In L.A., a man may legally beat his wife with a leather strap, as long as it is less than 2 inches wide, or she gives him permission to use a wider strap.
- It is a misdemeanor to shoot any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
Massachusetts
- It is illegal to wear a goatee without a license.
- North Andover prohibits its citizens from carrying "space guns."
- In 1659, the state outlawed Christmas
Indiana
- Monkeys are forbidden to smoke cigarettes in South Bend.
Illinois
- In Chicago, it is illegal to take a French poodle to the Opera.
- According to state law, it is illegal to speak English.
- The officially recognized language is "American."
- In Joliet, it is illegal to mispronounce the name Joliet
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Old Proverbs by Kids
A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a sentence, and asked them to complete it in their own words:
As you shall make your bed so shall you ...
... mess it up.
Better be safe than ...
... punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the ...
... bug is close.
It's always darkest before ...
... daylight savings time.
You can lead a horse to water ...
... how?
Don't bite the hand that ...
... looks dirty.
A miss is as good as ...
... Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new ...
... math.
If you lie down with the dogs, you'll ...
... stink in the morning.
The pen is mightier than the ...
... pigs.
An idle mind is ...
... the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke, there's ...
... pollution.
Happy is the bride who ...
... gets all the presents.
A penny saved is ...
... not much.
Two's company, three's ...
... the musketeers.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ...
... you have to blow your nose.
Children should be seen and not ...
... spanked or grounded.
When the blind leadeth the blind ...
... get out of the way.
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[CMA STATEMENT:
WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.
THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.
IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.
IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.
AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.]
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Little Johnny in "What Goes to Heaven First"
The teacher asks her class which part of the body they thought went to heaven first.
One little girl raises her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first, because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God."
The teacher praises the little girl, and a little boy raises his hand. The little boy says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first, because God is all about love."
"Very good," says the teacher. She looks and sees Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh, no," she thinks. "I'm not gonna like this." Aloud she asks, "Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?"
Little Johnny thinks for a minute and then says, "Your feet."
The teacher asks him why he thinks feet go to heaven first. He replies, "Well, I was walkin' past my parents' bedroom last night, and my mom had her feet up in the air, and she was yelling, 'Oh, God, I'm coming!!'"
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Friends and Lovers
What is the difference between "Like," "Love," and "Showing Off?"
Like -- Spitting
Love -- Swallowing
Showing Off -- Gargling
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Artificial Insemination
[Bestiality Warning]
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up, and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that "artificial insemination" means *he* has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep -- twice for good measure -- brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.
"No," she says, "but they're all in the truck, and one of them's honking the horn."
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
-----
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