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Letter to the IRS (Kinda Timely, Huh)
H&R Block rep's Note: Sometimes a story comes to our attention that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it a good Block tax story. This is one of those. It is a real letter submitted to the IRS in the midst of last year's weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions and credits. We believe the letter speaks for itself.
Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil & expensive. It's only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name.
Taxes should be a breeze; next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment, so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Joycelyn Elders, who had a rather good handle on the problem.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately, you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked On Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror.
She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy, and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am sure that you can handle it.
Bring a truck when you come to get her, as she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I will go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls, then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy.
Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax, and to make a down payment on an airplane.
Yours Truly,
Bob
Note: The taxpayer in question added this caveat at a later date:
"Rats, they sent me the refund and allowed the deductions."
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Magic Tricks
The Titanic, on her maiden voyage, sets sail from the shores of England. It is the most magnificent ship ever built, and everybody is very excited. No expense has been spared - the vast dining rooms, casinos, hundreds of neatly groomed waiters and polite service staff, string quartets, the works.
Every night at the bar, they had this magician come on and perform the most wonderfully amazing tricks of conjury the world had ever seen. It's the first night of the voyage, and everyone is eager to see this great man at work, except for one slight problem. There was this parrot who'd sit on the bar top by the peanuts and ruin every trick as the magician performed them. Each time, the parrot would sit quietly until the trick was almost completed, and say things like, "Squawk! It's up his sleeve!" or "Squeak! He's hidden it in the hat!" etc., and ruin the trick for the magician. Every time, the parrot would do this and the magician would get madder and madder as the night wore on.
The same happened on the next night, and the one after that. The magician would shake with fury at this silly parrot ruining his world famous show. He spent his days devising even better and more stupendously amazing tricks in an effort to fool this bloody parrot.
One night, the magician is about to perform his greatest trick of the voyage. The lights are dimmed, a hushed silence sweeps across the bar floor, a drum roll builds up to a mighty crescendo as the magician performs his final piece de resistance . . . and suddenly the ship hits an iceberg and sinks. For three days, the magician manages to cling to a door floating around in the wreckage, starving, thirsty. On the third day, he notices at the other end of the door, the parrot, sitting calmly and quietly, staring back at him. For three more days the magician just glowers at him, not saying a word - bitter, hushed, resentful, silence.
Until one day, the parrot can't contain himself any longer and squawks, "Alright! I give up! What have you done with the ship?!"
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The Joys of the English Language
Sign in a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)
English sign in a German cafe:
MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING
Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.
Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.
Outside a disco:
SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME
Sign warning of quicksand:
QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL
Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:
DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS, WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER
Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF
Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
Sign in a Japanese hotel:
SPORTS JACKETS MAY BE WORN BUT NO TROUSERS
Sign in Egyptian hotel:
IF YOU REQUIRE ROOM SERVICE, PLEASE OPEN DOOR AND SHOUT, "ROOM SERVICE!"
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More Facts for Your Storehouse of Useless Knowledge
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
[True - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shelf_life, http://www.jefflewis.net/factoids.html,
need and airtight container, not refrigeration - http://www.rglobal.net/user/padagge/internet_links.htm
and True - http://www.monkeyspit.net/rantman/everything.php]Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
[True - http://www.jefflewis.net/factoids.html and http://www.lsulegacymag.com/issues/march2005/story1.html,
False - http://www.rglobal.net/user/padagge/internet_links.htm,
Sort of - http://www.monkeyspit.net/rantman/everything.php
Can be - http://www.bearsinthekitchen.com/fur%20balls.html]The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses.
[158 verses - True - http://david.national-anthems.net/gr.htm, http://www.aivaliotis.com/greece/anthem.shtml, http://www.presidency.gr/en/ethn_Ymnos.htm, and http://www.national-anthems.org/facts.htm]
Now, how many people have memorized all four (only four!) verses of the Star-Spangled Banner (http://david.national-anthems.net/us.htm)]
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
[True, but ... - http://www.jefflewis.net/factoids.html, http://www.rglobal.net/user/padagge/internet_links.htm,
http://mathforum.org/library/drmath/view/57912.html]The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
[Maybe - http://www.jefflewis.net/factoids.html
Depends on the keybaord (Dvorak or Qwerty), depends on if the typist is "hunt-and-peck" or "touch" typist, etc.
True (qwerty kb) http://www.monkeyspit.net/rantman/everything.php]A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
[False - http://www.jefflewis.net/factoids.html, http://www.rglobal.net/user/padagge/internet_links.htm and http://www.sdnhm.org/kids/sharks/faq.html#blink (Sharks don't blink)]
There are more chickens than people in the world.
[True - http://www.jefflewis.net/factoids.html
and http://www.monkeyspit.net/rantman/everything.php]Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
[False - http://www.monkeyspit.net/rantman/everything.php (China is)]
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Man Slam VI
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time
Why does it take 1- million sperm to fertilize 1-egg?
They won't stop for directions
Why did god put men on earth?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn
Why don't women have men 's brains?
Because they don't have penises to put them in
What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
They're usually intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them
Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock
Why do men masturbate?
It's sex with someone they love
Why were men given larger brains then dogs?
So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties
Why did god make men before women?
You need a rough draft before you have a final copy
Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
So he can tell if he is coming or going
How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet
Have you heard of the Lorena Bobbit computer virus?
It turns your hard drive into a 3-1/2" floppy
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Why It Takes a Long Time … Sometimes
A man and his wife are having sex. Fifteen minutes has passed, 30 minutes, then 45 minutes. Sweat is pouring off both of them. The wife finally looks up and says, "What's the matter, darling? Can't you think of anyone else, either?"
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Shades of the Pied Piper
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout.
He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands, but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."
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From the "Words Not Yet In the Dictionary" List
ELBONICS
The action of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
FRUST
That small line of debris that refuses to be swept up onto the dust pan, that you finally wind up sweeping under the rug.
NEONPHANCY
A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.
PHONESIA
The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
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Quotes of the Day
Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off the goal.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
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William's Marriage
One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."
William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.
"Dad has done so much harm ... I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."
His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."
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Who Am I?
Bill Clinton was visiting at a old age retirement home. He went up to a woman, shook her hand, and said "Do you know who I am?"
"No," replied the old woman, "but if you go to the front desk, they'll tell you!"
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From the "Things Not To Say During Sex" List:
- But everybody looks funny naked!
- Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth.
- On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
- You're almost as good as my ex.
- I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
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Stinky, and His Wife, Smelly
A young couple decided to wed1. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."
His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"
"Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them."
"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed."
Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."
"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."
"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth."
"I shouldn't say 'Good Morning' or anything?" the daughter asked.
"Not a word," her mother affirmed.
"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.
The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks, and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed.
This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"
"Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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