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It's All Relative
Sally goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all of his employees well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
To which she replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, suggests to the young girl, "Why don't you go home for the day. We aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
Sally very calmly states, "No,. I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it, and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. "If you need anything just let me know."
A few hours pass, and the boss decides to check on Sally. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically.
He rushes out to her asking, "What's so bad now? Are you going to be ok? What's wrong?"
Sally breaks down in tears. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that *her* mom died too!!"
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From "Lost In The Translation, II" - Tootle-Loo
In a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
"When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor."
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Be Careful What You Ask For II
A young woman buys a mirror at an Antique Shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust line forty-four."
Instantly, there's a brilliant flash of light and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time, the husband crosses his fingers, and says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my penis touch the floor!"
Again, there's a bright flash of light and his legs fall off.
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Genie of the ... Bag???????
Two friends are playing golf when one of them pulled out a cigar, and realizes he doesn't have a light. "Let me get that for you," the other replies, pulling a 12 inch BIC lighter out of his golf bag.
"Wow! That's some lighter you've got there? Where did you get it?"
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie?"" his friend replies in disbelief.
"Sure, he's in my golf bag. Hang on, I'll show you," he says leaning over and pulling out a cute little genie from his golf bag, while his friend looks on in shock. "As a matter of fact, you're such a good friend of mine, I'll let him grant you any wish you want."
The friend thought for a moment, and asks, "Genie, will you give me a million bucks?"
The genie nods, closes his eyes, gestures wildly and then disappears. After a few moments, the sky begins to darken, and the honking of a million ducks is heard overhead.
The friend looks at his golfing partner and says, "I asked for a million BUCKS, not a million DUCKS!"
His friend replies, "Oh, I forgot to mention that he was hard of hearing. You didn't think I actually wished for a 12 inch BIC, did you?"
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Alaskan Camping PSA
If you are considering doing some camping this Spring and Summer, please note the following public service announcement:
- In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country.
- The bells warn away MOST bears (grizzly, black, etc.), but be careful because they don't scare Kodiak/brown bears.
- Tourists are cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Kodiak/brown bears.
One can easily spot a Kodiak/brown bear's droppings. Those droppings contain tiny bells.
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Laundry
Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however, the laundry always gets wet -- All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie's. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.
So, one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line, when one of the women says to Sophie, "Say, how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?"
"Well," says Sophie, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."
"What if he has an erection?" asks one of the women.
"Honey," says Sophie, "on a day like that, you don't do the laundry!
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Quote of the Day
First time I saw you, my whole body got hard.
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The Woman Who Was Too Big For God
by Shannon O'Donnell
[INSPIRATIONAL STORY ALERT]
[Found this on the Internet. Good story. We all know people ... male and female, ... --LYAO Editor]
She was big. No question about it. Size 12 feet. Broad hips. Big belly. Generous breasts. Wide shoulders. Big smile too. Even her voice was big, her laughter full and rich, capable of filling an auditorium.
Some things fit, most didn't. She searched for chairs without arms, hard to find in most places where the chairs cut into her back and sides. She eyed every couch before she sat down, gauging its worthiness and her ability to rise gracefully from it. She asked for seat belt extensions and the window seat when she flew so her bulk wouldn't intrude too much on her neighbor. Once, when she traveled to Europe, she was stuck in the middle of five seats in the middle section of the plane. The whole long trip, she sat with her arms folded across her stomach and tried not to take up too much room. She woke up, every now and then, and from the looks of the people around her, she knew her snore was big enough to drown out the sound of the movie.
She took up space. Lots of it. She was too big for most rooms, she thought, and so she found ways to be on the edges, not in the center, as if people wouldn't notice.
She was big. Too big for most clothes, especially the pretty ones with sparkles and beads and ribbons. She hadn't worn regular shoes for years, and the thought of her feet in dancing shoes left her laughing.
She was big. Bigger than almost anyone she knew. Her hug was huge, two strong arms that could wrap around and hold a person close and be warm, safe, whole. She was a great big pillow to cry into, one that held all the tears until you were done crying. Her friends would tell you she had a heart as big as the prairies.
She told big stories. Outrageous stories about old ladies who ran away from home and went to summer camp or sent postcards from their travels around the country. She told jokes, funny ones and stupid ones and ones that made you think for a whole day before you laughed.
There was a secret the big woman knew, something she didn't tell anyone. She didn't even tell herself very often because it hurt to hear the words. "I'm too big," she'd whisper, "too big for God. Even God doesn't have arms big enough to hold me." And then that great and big and gentle woman would cry. And her tears were just like her - big and gentle and they washed over her face and splashed down into her lap.
A giant hole in her heart opened one day. Nothing filled it. Nothing healed it. It just ached. And there wasn't much she could do about it. She thought for a long time that it didn't matter. It was really okay that God was too small. But lately it wasn't okay. Lately she was no longer satisfied to let God off the hook. Either God was God, and capable of being big enough for her, or they could just call it quits right here and now.
"You're not too much for me," God said. "Where did you ever get that idea?"
"I don't fit," the woman said. "It's not just my body size. I just don't seem to fit into the picture."
"Tell me more," God coaxed.
"Haven't you ever noticed," she asked, "that in all the pictures I'm the one just out of camera reach. My body doesn't all make it into the picture."
God nodded.
"But my life doesn't fit either. It's not like the lives of my friends. I don't fit inside a marriage. I don't fit into my work. I'm too big for people who want to follow all the rules."
"And what's wrong with that?" God asked. "Who told you that you had to fit those pictures?"
"But you said, --- " she started to say.
"I did no such thing. Never. Now, granted, some significant people in your life may have claimed I demanded that, but I'm here to tell you that I never did."
"So why don't I fit?" the woman asked.
"Oh but you do!" laughed God. "Oh, my dear, you do!"
The woman folded her arms across her chest and frowned. "You're not taking this very seriously," she complained.
"You have no idea how it feels."
"Oh, don't I?" God chided. "You, my love, are as grand and glorious as all the Rocky Mountains, as huge and wide as the oceans. You are as big as a house-rattling storm that shakes the teeth of the people inside. You are like a giant earthquake and as dazzling as fields swamped by flowers. You are the embodiment of outrageous, silly, lavish grace. You, of all people, you are not puny."
She studied God, puzzled. "So, what you're saying is ... "
"What I'm saying, dear heart, is that with you I do things in a big way." And God chuckled.
The woman chewed her lip. "It's not enough," she said finally.
"Only because you've been hiding outside the frame of the picture," said God. "Look, people pack up their cars and travel for miles to see real mountains, not those puny little hills on the East Coast that they pretend are mountains. No, I'm talking about the big ones! The Rockies. The Sierras. Big mountains like Rainier and Shasta. These people drag along their cameras and their video recorders and they spend all their time taking pictures. And you know what?"
"What?"
"They go home. They drop off the pictures to be developed and they do the laundry. A week or two later, they remember to pick up the pictures. They shuffle through them, try to remember where they were the day that picture was taken, and who took this strange shot? They complain about the color. And the flatness of the picture is nothing like what they saw those few weeks ago. Then they toss the envelope of pictures into a drawer and forget about them."
"So?" she prompted.
"So, they never saw the mountains, all those vast giant beauties I created. They settle for puny reproductions and wonder why everything else in their lives is so flat and stale. You are like those mountains, huge and grand and glorious. People who see you only through the camera's lens will not know your beauty. How could they? They have forgotten how to see."
God raised an eyebrow and looked at her. "Now you, you in your body, can you forget how big you are?" God asked.
She looked impatient. "No, you know that! How could I forget? It's always there, always a part of how I move around in the world."
"Do you ever feel small? Flat? Puny?" God was grinning at her.
She stuck out her tongue. "Hell, no!"
"Then you're seeing the real beauty, not some camera's reproduction. And there are no edges to the picture. You always fit."
"Yeah, but, ... " her voice trailed off.
"I'll tell you a secret. I like doing things in a big way, so people will notice, pay attention, wake up. You're one of my best surprises." God reached for her and spun her around and danced a wicked tango with her.
"You know," the woman said when the dance was over and a huge moon hung over the horizon, "you're a lot taller than I thought you were."
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Excerpts From "The Movie Cliche List" Web Page
[Now at
http://www.moviecliches.com for those that want to know --LYAO Editor]
[Among many others:]
HEROES
- If the hero has a psychological/physical problem which has prevented him from effectively dealing with problems, you can rest assured that this problem will disappear at an opportune time.
- The hero always misses the villain leaving the scene by seconds.
- Stripping to the waist makes the hero invulnerable.
- The hero will always be paired off with a female character. The sidekick never will.
- The hero's best friend/partner will usually be killed by the bad guys three days before retirement.
- The hero's new wife will be mowed down by 80 machine guns right after the wedding or during the honeymoon.
- Heroes can go without food or sleep, with no measurable drop in physical or mental faculties, for at least 72 hours.
- The hero will always have a small trickle of blood in the right corner of his mouth after a fight. His lip will never be split in the middle, and his upper lip will always be invulnerable. He will wipe the blood from the corner of his mouth with the back of his hand, then look at it. If his face displays any other injury, it will usually be a small abrasion on his right cheekbone. He will wear a band-aid on this for one day, after which it will be miraculously healed.
- The hero will always refuse the assistance of friends or medical personnel after a fight.
- If the hero gets into a second fight, his most injured body part will always be punched or kicked.
- A hero will show no pain even during the most terrific beating, yet he will wince if a women attempts to clean a facial wound.
- When a hero is paired with a weak sidekick, that sidekick will invariably save the hero's life at a crucial moment, or show remarkable proficiency with weapons in a key scene.
- If the hero is a white male and has an assistant/sidekick who is either not white or not male the assistant/sidekick will die, preferably in an act of heroic sacrifice.
- If the movie hero has a sidekick and he mentions his family in the first two minutes of the film, the sidekick will surely be killed.
- The movie hero is (almost) always divorced, but he still has some contact with his ex-wife who tells him that she could not stay married to him because she loves him too much.
INDEPENDENCE DAY
"Things I did not know until I saw ID4"
(this section courtesy of Perry O'Grady)I would like to be perfectly clear that I found "Independence Day" to be a great deal of fun and a thoroughly enjoyable motion picture. However, I realized that there were a number of things about which I was completely ignorant until I saw "ID4." The following is a list of things that I did not know until I saw "Independence Day":
- It is reasonable to assume that the quality of the training of United States Marine Corps pilots is such that any Marine fly boy could hop into an alien spacecraft and immediately be able to fly it into deep space
- The White House press secretary has a listed phone number · When stuck in a tunnel and faced with Armageddon in the form of a fireball that is capable of obliterating all life in Los Angeles, simply duck into a maintenance closet and let the end of the world pass you by
- Despite the fact that we are able to send a fax from a beeper on our hip while walking down a street in San Francisco to a Range Rover in Johannesburg, alien spacecraft need to be hardwired to a satellite to speak to each other
- High class strippers with a heart of gold can operate most heavy equipment
- It is not beyond the realm of imagination that the President of the United States would be a fighter jock and would be willing to return to active duty to do battle with invincible alien bad guys · Alien spacecraft the size of Australia can be taken out with one well-placed sidewinder missile
- Most laptops are configured with interfaces powerful enough to override the communications systems of the most sophisticated futuristic societies
- Despite the fact that they wear biomechanical body armor that can only be removed with a scalpel and the fact that they possess hyper-developed brains that allow them to destroy their enemies simply by thinking about it, alien fighter pilots have a glass jaw and can be knocked unconscious for hours with one punch
- If you are a woman who: 1)survives a blast from an alien spacecraft that wipes out Los Angeles 2)lives through the ensuing helicopter crash 3)survives while buried by rubble 4)survives despite being transported by open backed diesel truck across the worst terrain ever created ... DO NOT CHECK into a military hospital with the best medical help money can buy because YOU WILL DIE
- Despite the fact that no living person, even on a clear day with a map and two state troopers providing an escort, can negotiate the Los Angeles freeway system without getting lost, nearly-blown-up women can drive through the shattered ruins of a decimated Los Angeles straight to El Toro
- When you crash an alien spacecraft into the high desert because you were hurtled back through the earth's atmosphere by an atomic blast you set off, the fact that you do not have a parachute or any other visible means of slowing your fall does not mean that you should not walk away from the wreckage completely unscathed and straight into your girl's arms
- The standard trip home from space, when assisted by an atomic blast, lasts approximately two to three pulls on a cigar
- Although aliens possess technological capabilities millions of years beyond our own that enables them to embed secret codes in our satellite network, they can be stymied by Morse Code, which is generally printed on the front panel of a child's walkie-talkie
- The most sophisticated labs in the world have impenetrable vault doors buried 30 stories into mountains but use regular hardware store glass panes for observation rooms in the lab nerve center · Although aliens possess tentacles dexterous enough to manipulate human vocal cords from outside the throat when the need to speak strikes them, they can not open a door for themselves · The correct military honor for a hero who saves the world by sacrificing his own life by flying directly into the alien death ray is to clap and cheer wildly in front of the hero's family immediately after he perishes
- Any vehicle, including clunkers, can make the trip down from Manhattan to Washington D.C. in just a few hours in gridlocked end-of-the-world type traffic
SEX
- All beds have a special L-shaped top sheet, which reaches up to armpit level on women but only to waist level on men.
- No-one ever needs a Kleenex after sex.
- If you're a woman in a film and have just finished a steamy lovemaking session, make sure to lay back and pull the sheets up to your neck, just like in real life.
- All women moan during sex, but none sweat.
- Women (and men less often) either make love with their underclothes on or have put them back on in the immediate aftermath.
- Two total strangers, upon falling into bed together, will always reach an incredibly intense, mutual, and SIMULTANEOUS orgasm on the first try.
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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