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LYAO -
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The Field Trip
The fourth and fifth graders went on a field trip to the local race track accompanied by their lady teachers. During the tour, some of the children wanted to go to the bathroom. So it was decided that the girls would go with the 5th grade teacher. The 4th grade teacher took the boys and waited outside the men's bathroom.
One of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice she went inside and began hoisting all the little boys by their armpits. Lifting one, she couldn't help but notice that he was especially endowed.
"I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.
"No ma'am," he said. "I'm in the 7th, riding Silver Arrow. And thanks for the lift."
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Sex Cures It
A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
"Listen," says the doc. "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then, I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house."
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One Tough Texan!
Sitting around a crackling campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, three cowboys brag about the bravado for which they are famous. A night of tall tales begins:
The guy from Louisiana says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns, with my bare hands."
The guy from Arkansas can't stand to bested. "Why, I was walking down the trail yesterday, and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit it's head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today!"
The Texan remained silent, slowly stirring the coals of the crackling fire with his penis.
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So Much Attention
A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing.
The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention ?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me."
"I know!" grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."
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Alabama Pig Farmer
A man was walking in the country and saw a pig with a wooden leg sitting outside a barn. As he was pondering this, the pig's owner came along. The man asked the farmer how the pig got his wooden leg. The farmer said, "Let me tell you, that is some pig! Our house caught fire last May, and he dragged my kids to safety!"
"Is that how he lost his leg?" the man asked.
"No," replied the farmer. "But a month ago, I almost drowned and that pig swam through icy water to pull me to shore!"
"So, that's how he lost his leg," the man asked.
"Oh, no. And just a week ago, my wife's car slid off the road onto the train tracks. That pig broke through the window and helped her out just as a freight train came through!"
"So, THAT'S how he lost his leg!" the man said.
"No, sir."
"Then HOW did he lose it?" the man begged.
"Well sir," the farmer replied, "when you got a pig that terrific, you don't want to eat it all at once."
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Will the REAL Stoopid One Please Stand Up?
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher asked, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
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Technology for Country Folk:
LOG ON
Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF
Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR
Keeping an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD
Gettin' the farwood off the truk.
MEGA HERTZ
When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood.
FLOPPY DISC
Whutcha git from tryin' ta carry too much farwood.
RAM
That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
HARD DRIVE
Gettin' home in the winter time.
PROMPT
Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
WINDOWS
Whut to shut when it's cold outside.
SCREEN
Whut to shut when it's blak fly season.
BYTE
Whut dem dang flys do.
CHIP
Munchies fer the TV.
MICRO CHIP
Whut's in the munchie bag.
MODEM
Whacha did to the hay fields.
DOT MATRIX
Old Dan Matrix's wife.
LAP TOP
Whar the kitty sleeps.
KEYBOARD
Whar ya hang the keys.
SOFTWARE
Them dang plastic forks and knifes.
MOUSE
Whut eats the grain in the barn.
MAIN FRAME
Holds up the barn ruf.
PORT
Fancy Flatlander wine.
ENTER
Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all."
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY
When ya can't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yer wife asks.
MOUSE PAD
That hippie talk fer the rat hole.
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Tennis Ball
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing no one around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.
A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the girl sympathetically. "That must be painful. I had tennis elbow once."
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Eighty-Eight
A woman went to her new doctor for a checkup. He turned out to be absolutely gorgeous!
He told her he was going to put his hand on her back, and he wanted her to say "Eighty-eight."
"Eighty-eight," she purred.
"Good. Now, I'm going to put my hand on your throat, and I want you to again say 'Eighty-eight.'"
"Eighhty ... eighhhhtttt."
"Fine. Now I'm going to put my hand on your chest, and I want you once more to say 'Eighty-eight."
"One, two, three, four, five ... "
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Mistaken Identity
Twin brothers were named Joe and John. Joe was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank. A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street mistaking him for John, she said to him, "I'm sorry for your loss, you must feel terrible."
Joe said, "Oh, hell no! Fact is, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up, and she smelled like dead fish. She was always losing water, had a bad crack in the back, and a pretty big hole in the front, which got bigger every time I used her. She leaked like crazy, and it was difficult to keep her upright. But what really finished her off was when four tough guys rented her for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't any good, but they all wanted to have a go with her anyhow. The damn fools all tried to get on her at the same time, and it was just too much for the old girl. While they were trying to get into their various positions she split up the middle."
The old woman fainted.
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Sunbathing
Joan, the well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we'd appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. " No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed gentleman. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
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Punishment Befitting the Crime
One day, this man, Darrin, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.
As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money; even more than you did." They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.
Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop-dead gorgeous supermodel/centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon.
They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women. Jon replied "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. After every time we have sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Damn income taxes!!!!!"
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Yo Mama Joke
Yo Mama's so fat, she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!
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Job App
This is [supposedly] an actual job application someone submitted for a fast-food establishment.
APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT
NAME:
Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION:
Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY:
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz-style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION:
Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY:
Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING:
It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.
PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?:
Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE:
Scorpio with Libra rising.
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One Way to Do Things
Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."
The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened. "I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."
"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"
"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."
"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"
"No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."
"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."
"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."
A half-hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. "Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there." Morris promises.
After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but what are we going to do to get them to come down next year?"
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Quote of the Day
All our lives we sweat and save, building for a shallow grave.--Jim Morrison
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T-Shirt Explains It
The other day, we had a bomb scare here in Rio Rancho, NM at the Giant gas station. Of course the bomb squad had to be called out to investigate, which in turn brought the news.
In the local paper the next day, they had a picture of a bomb squad member, wearing a shirt that said: "I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try and keep up!"
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Haircut
A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, " I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."
After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss the use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
To which his father replied, "Yes, and they walked every where they went!"
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The Big Squeeze:
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and then hand the lemon to a customer. Anyone who could squeeze out one more drop of juice would win the money. Over the years, many people had tried including weight lifters, longshoreman, etc. Nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit came in and said in a squeaky voice, "I'd like to try to win the bet."
After the laughter died down, the bartender said ok, grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. The crowd's laughter turned to silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender gave the little man the $1,000. He asked him, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter or what?"
The little man replied, "I work for the IRS."
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Let It All Hang Out
A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy.
The teacher has him go down to the principal's office, to phone his mom, and ask her what he should do about it. He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room.
Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom," she says. "I did," he says, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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