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LYAO -
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Feeling Old?
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980.
- They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era.
- They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
- Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
- Their world has always included AIDS.
- Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums and cassette audio tapes; they may have heard of an 8-track, but probably have never actually seen (or heard) one.
- The digital Disc was presented to Wall Street when they were 1 year old.
- From their earliest years, a camera was something you used once and threw away.
- As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.
- Few, if any, have lived without an answering machine.
- Few have used a TV set with only 13 channels.
- Some use the word "clickers" for "remote control," yet they do not know why they say it.
- They were born the year that Walkman was introduced by Sony.
- The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.
You're Probably Aged 25 to 35 If ...
- You wore anything Izod, especially those windbreakers that folded up into a pouch you could wear around your waist.
- You owned a Jordache anything, or you remember when Jordache jeans were cool.
- You ever owned a 45 of "I'm in Love with My Pet Rock," "Disco Duck," or "Convoy."
- In your sophomore class picture, you're wearing an Izod shirt with the collar "up."
- You still have a pair of Sperry Topsiders.
- "All-skate, change directions" means something to you.
- In high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over and over again.
- You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you in the "tail gunner" position.
- "Schoolhouse Rock" played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language.
- You actually know who Rick Springfield is.
- You're starting to believe that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.
- There was nothing strange about Bert n' Ernie living together.
- Knickers and leg warmers were cool.
- You learned to swim about the same time Jaws came out and still carry the emotional scars to this day.
- You ever wanted to learn to play "Stairway to Heaven" on the guitar and choreographed "Dancing Queen" by yourself in your room.
- You were afraid of the Sleestaks on Land of the Lost.
- The first time you ever kissed someone was at a dance during "Crazy for You" by Madonna.
- You ever used the phrase "Kiss mah grits" in conversation.
- You had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding.
- You know who shot J.R.
- This rings a bell: " ... and my name, is Charlie. They work for me."
- You sat with your friends on a Friday night and dialed "8-6-7-5-3-0-9" to see if Jenny would answer.
- You owned a pair of Rainbow suspenders just like Mork used to wear.
- You know that in Japan, the hand can be used like a knife.
- You remember when your cable TV box had the three rows of numbers and you had to move the selector switch accordingly.
- You could sing "99 Red Balloons" in English and in German.
- Feathered hair
- Your jaw would ache by the time you finished those "brick-sized" packages of Bazooka gum.
- The phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.
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Divorce Disney Style
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court and the judge says to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replies, "No, I said she's f-cking Goofy."
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The Best Laid Plans
Suzie has had a crush on Mikey since she was 15 years old. Mikey never pays Suzie any attention. Every year Suzie tries to get Mikey to notice her, but he just isn't interested.
Finally, when Suzie turns 18, she begins to come of age, and sure enough, Mikey notices. Suzie looks so pretty and grown-up that Mikey asks her for a date for a Friday night!! She is so excited all that week; she can hardly wait for Friday.
Finally, Friday comes. As soon as she gets home from school, Suzie begins getting ready for her date at 7. She spends four hours on her clothes, hair and make-up, wanting everything to be perfect for the night she's waited on for years.
Finally, 7 O'clock comes around. Looking out the window, she sees Mikey pull up in his shiny black car. She becomes so nervous and excited, that she opens the door before he even gets to it. "Hi Mikey!" she says, nervous as hell.
Mikey replies, "Suzie you look beautiful!!"
Suzie is so pleased when she walks out the door. Then IT hits her. Suzie realizes in horror that she has to FART!! "Oh my God," she thinks, walking along. "What am I going to do?""
Being a quick thinker, Suzie gets an idea! She will let him open her door for her, hurry in, fart, roll down the window real quick, and by the time he comes around and gets in, all will be O.K.
So, they get to the car, Mikey opens the door, and Suzie gets in. He closes the door, and she really lets one rip! It growls and grumbles and roars. She hurries to roll down the window as the smell is eye watering. She rolls down the window, and sees that he's just getting around to his door.
Relaxing a little now, Suzie smiles at Mikey as he gets in the car. Then, Mikey turns to her, points to the back seat, and says, "Suzie, I'd like you to meet my brother Carl and his date."
***
[This joke has been incorporated into a short, comedy video (or vice-versa). When I find it, I will try to remember to include it here. -LE]
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Cinderella's Prince
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.
The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **very** satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
"I can't remember, exactly. Peter, Peter, something or other."
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Baby
Two gay men are partners for life and finally decide they want a child of their own. After weeks of consultation with Doctors and Psychiatrists the two decide to mix their sperm and implant it into a willing surrogate mother. Soon, they learn that the procedure worked and that the surrogate is pregnant and doing well. After the usual period of time, they get the call they are waiting for ... their baby is born!
So, they rush to the hospital to see the little one. Looking through the viewing glass, they notice several newborn girls in a row ... all of which were crying and carrying on intensely. Then they spot a cute little baby boy at the end of the row, smiling and looking at them with great joy. This little baby has to be theirs!
Soon, they see a nurse, and she confirms that yes, indeed, the peaceful little boy is their son. They start congratulating each other, saying how lucky they are that they have such a perfectly happy, well-behaved son.
The nurse, hearing this, says, "He may look happy now, but you should see him when we take the pacifier out of his ass."
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Which Came First The Chicken Or The Egg?
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on it's face, and the egg is frowning and looking frustrated.
The egg mutters, "I guess that answers *that* question."
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Life's Most Embarrassing Moments
The following are the top three winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest in New Woman Magazine
"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving *right now*, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter" --Amy Richardson; Stafford,Virginia
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"It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!' My entire family -- aunts, uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again." --Tim Cahill; Poughkeepsie, New York
***
One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
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The Teacher
[INSPIRATIONAL STORY ALERT]
Jean Thompson stood in front of her fifth-grade class on the very first day of school in the fall and told the children a lie. Like most teachers, she looked at her pupils and said that she loved them all the same, that she would treat them all alike. And that was impossible, because there, in front of her, slumped in his seat on the third row, was a little boy named Teddy Stoddard.
Mrs. Thompson had watched Teddy the year before and noticed he didn't play well with the other children, that his clothes were unkempt and that he constantly needed a bath. And Teddy was unpleasant. It got to the point during the first few months that she would actually take delight in marking his papers with a broad red pen, making bold X's and then marking the F at the top of the paper biggest of all.
Because Teddy was a sullen little boy, no one else seemed to enjoy him, either. At the school where Mrs. Thompson taught, she was required to review each child's records and put Teddy's off until last. When she opened his file, she was in for a surprise.
His first-grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is a bright, inquisitive child with a ready laugh. He does his work neatly and has good manners. He is a joy to be around."
His second-grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is an excellent student well-liked by his classmates, but he is troubled because his mother has a terminal illness, and life at home must be a struggle."
His third-grade teacher wrote, "Teddy continues to work hard, but his mother's death has been hard on him. He tries to do his best, but his father doesn't show much interest, and his home life will soon affect him if some steps aren't taken."
Teddy's fourth-grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is withdrawn and doesn't show much interest in school. He doesn't have many friends and sometimes sleeps in class. He is tardy and could become a problem."
By now Mrs. Thompson realized the problem, but Christmas was coming fast. It was all she could do, with the school play and all, until the day before the holidays began and she was suddenly forced to focus on Teddy Stoddard.
Her children brought her presents, all in beautiful ribbon and bright paper, except for Teddy's, which was clumsily wrapped in the heavy, brown paper of a scissored grocery bag. Mrs. Thompson took pains to open it in the middle of the other presents. Some of the children started to laugh when she found a rhinestone bracelet with some of the stones missing, and a bottle that was one-quarter full of cologne.
She stifled the children's laughter when she exclaimed how pretty the bracelet was, putting it on, and dabbing some of the perfume behind the other wrist. Teddy Stoddard stayed behind just long enough to say, "Mrs. Thompson, today you smelled just like my mom used to."
After the children left, she cried for at least an hour. On that very day, she quit teaching reading, and writing, and speaking. Instead, she began to teach children. Jean Thompson paid particular attention to one they all called "Teddy."
As she worked with him, his mind seemed to come alive. The more she encouraged him, the faster he responded. On days there would be an important test, Mrs. Thompson would remember that cologne. By the end of the year, he had become one of the smartest children in the class and, well, he had also become the "pet" of the teacher who had once vowed to love all of her children exactly the same.
A year later she found a note under her door, from Teddy, telling her that of all the teachers he'd had in elementary school, she was his favorite. Six years went by before she got another note from Teddy. He wrote that he had finished high school, third in his class, and she was still his favorite teacher of all time.
Four years after that, she got another letter, saying that while things had been tough at times, he'd stayed in school, had stuck with it, and would graduate from college with the highest of honors. He assured Mrs. Thompson she was still his favorite teacher.
Then four more years passed and yet another letter came. This time he explained that after he received his bachelor's degree, he decided to go a little further. The letter explained that she was still his favorite teacher, but that now his name was a little longer. The letter was signed, Theodore F. Stoddard, M.D.
The story doesn't end there. You see, there was yet another letter that Spring. Teddy said he'd met this girl and was to be married. He explained that his father had died a couple of years ago and he was wondering, well, if Mrs. Thompson might agree to sit in the pew usually reserved for the mother of the groom.
And guess what? She wore that bracelet, the one with several rhinestones missing. And I'll bet that on that special day, Jean Thompson smelled just like, well, just like Teddy remembered his mother smelling on their last Christmas together.
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[CMA STATEMENT:
WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.
THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.
IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.
IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.
AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.]
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The Little Old Lady and in the Porn Shop
A little old lady with blue hair entered the marital aids shop and asked in a quivering voice, "Y-y-young man, d-d-do y-you sell d-dildos h-here?"
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered "Uh, yes, ma'am. We do."
The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, "D-do y-you ha-aave any ab-b-b-bout th-this l-long?"
"Well, yes ma'am, we do. We have several that size."
Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny ofth-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"
"Well, yes, a few of them are about that big."
"D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a v-v-ii-bra-a-ator?"
"Yes, Ma`am, one of them does."
"W-Wel-ll, h-how d-do y-you t-turn it off?" she asked while raising up her dress!
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The Virgin
It's your first time. As you lie back, your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you are afraid, and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his fingers have found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes, and tells you to trust him -- he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.
As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give away; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears, but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you. You lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
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V|
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VYou smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled!!!
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The Monkey
[from Marge Schott's "Smoke 'em If You Got 'Em Show" on
the Bob and Tom Show.]
A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. As he was looking around, he notices a monkey sitting at the far end of the bar.
He asks the bartender, "What's with the monkey?"
The bartender says, "Oh, he's a highly trained monkey! Watch this!" With that, he takes out a baseball bat and hits the monkey, hard, up-side his head. The monkey jumps over the bar, and immediately pleasures the bartender.
The man says in amazement, "That's incredible!"
The bartender says, "You want to try it?"
The man says, "Sure! Just don't hit ME as hard as you hit that monkey!"
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A Whale Of A Story
Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of Japan when the male whale looks up and sees the whaling ship that killed his father five years ago. Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father's death, the male whale says to the female "Let's go underneath the ship and blow air through our blow holes. That ought to knock their boat over, and make them think twice about killing innocent whales."
The female whale agrees, and the plan works perfectly. Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that most of the sailors are making their way back to the shore by either swimming or in lifeboats. Not willing to let them get away so easily, the male whale yells "They're going to shore! Let's go gobble them up!"
Just then, the female whale becomes less cooperative: "HEY!," she says, "I agreed to the blow job, but there is NO WAY I'm swallowing seamen!"
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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