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Parade Float
This picture was of an actual parade float in Germany
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Family Feud
[from CIDU]
Responses actually offered on Family Feud -- or so I'm told ...
Name something a blind person might use
A sword
Name a song with moon in the title
Blue suede moon
Name a bird with a long neck
Naomi Campbell
Name an occupation where you need a torch
A burglar
Name a famous brother & sister
Bonnie & Clyde
Name a dangerous race
The Arabs
Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers
A horse
Name something that floats in the bath
Water
Name something you wear on the beach
A deckchair
Name something Red
My cardigan
Name a famous cowboy
Buck Rogers
Name a famous royal
A number you have to memorize
7
Something you do before going to bed
Sleep
Something you put on walls
Roofs
Something in the garden that's green
Shed
Something that flies that doesn't have an engine
A bicycle with wings
Something you might be allergic to
Skiing
Name a famous bridge
The bridge over troubled waters
Something a cat does
Goes to the toilet
Something you do in the bathroom
Decorate
Name an animal you might see at the zoo
A dog
Something associated with the police
Pigs
A sign of the zodiac
April
Something slippery
A conman
A kind of ache
Fillet 'O' Fish
A food that can be brown or white
Potato
A jacket potato topping
Jam
A famous Scotsman
Jock
Another famous Scotsman
Vinnie Jones
Something with a hole in it
Window
A non living object with legs
Plant
A domestic animal
Leopard
A part of the body beginning with 'N'
Knee
A way of cooking fish
Cod
Something you open other than a door
Your Bowels
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Why I Fired My Secretary.
I woke up early feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought, "I'm another year older" but decided not to dwell on it. So I showered and shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big kiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear."
All smiles, I went into breakfast, and there sat my wife reading the newspaper as usual. She didn't say one word. So I got myself a cup of coffee and thought, "Oh well, she forgot."
The kids will be down in a few minutes they will sing Happy Birthday and have a nice gift for me. There I sat, enjoying my coffee, and I waited. Finally the kids came running into the kitchen yelling, "Give me a slice of toast. I'm late. Where is my coat? I'm going to miss the bus."
Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for office. When I walked in, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile and a cheerful, "Happy birthday, boss." She then asked if she could get me some coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better. Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said "Since it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?'
Thinking it would make me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea." So we locked up the office, and because it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have lunch in the country, instead of going to the usual place?"
So we drove out of town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a nice lunch. We started driving back to town when my secretary said, "why don't we go by my place, and I will fix you another martini?"
It sounded like a good idea, because we didn't have much to do in the office. So we went to her apartment, and she fixed some martinis.
After a while, she said, "If you will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and she left the room.
In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids.
And there I sat with nothing on but my socks.
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A Rear End View of hell
One day, a guy dies and finds himself in Hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon.
Demon: Why so glum, chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in Hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay ... you're already dead.
Guy: Cool!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, black-jack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table.
Guy: Gosh, I never played pai gow before ...
Demon: Well now you can. You like to speed?
Guy: Yeah!!!
Demon: Then you're in luck! Thursday is driving day. Help yourself to a Porsche, BMW, Ferrari, Mercedes, you name it, and there's no speed limit! This is even better than Montana, cause if you crash and burn, it's okay ... you're already dead.
Guy: This is great!
Demon: You like to do drugs?
Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean ...
Demon: That's right! Friday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay ... you're already dead.
Guy: Neat! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh, no.
Demon: Oooh, too bad ... You're gonna hate Saturdays ...
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A Setup You Wouldn't Believe ... or Would You?
A husband and wife have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up on the shore. The new guy and the wife are VERY attracted to each other right away, but they realize that certain protocols will have to be observed.
The husband, oblivious to the pheromones floating around, is very glad to see the second man there. "This is wonderful! Now we'll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts."
The new man is only too happy to help, and, in fact, volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper.
The new man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"
They look at each other and yell back, "We're not screwing!"
A few minutes later, they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the new man yells down, "Heeey, no screwing!"
Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!"
Later, they are putting palm leaves on the roof of the shack to patch leaks. Once again the new man yells down from high above, "Hey, I said no screwing!!"
They yell back, "And we said we're not screwing!!"
Finally the shift is over and the new man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. By the time he gets halfway up, his wife and the new man are already screwing their brains out.
Once at the top, the husband turns around, looks down and says to himself, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing."
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Yo Mama
Yo Mama's so fat, she went on a date in high heels and came back wearing sandals.
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Three Dogs at the Vet
3 dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vet's office. One is a Poodle, one is a Schnauzer and the other is a Great Dane.
The Poodle turns to the Schnauzer and asks, "Why are you here?"
The Schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well. I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old, and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep." The Schnauzer asks the poodle, "Why are you here?"
The Poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high strung. I've been barking all the time. I've been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep."
The Poodle and Schnauzer ask the Great Dane why he is here. The Great Dane responds, "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday, she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn't help myself."
The Poodle asks, "So your owner brought you here to be put to sleep, too?"
The Great Dane says, "No, I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."
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The Last Laugh Is a Rich Laugh
Doug decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Doug's Blazer and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night. "I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Doug said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn."
Nine months later, Doug got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"
"Yes, I have to admit that I did."
"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."
"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"
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St. Peter, You Joker
One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wind up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informs them that in order to get into Heaven, they will each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addresses the teacher and asks, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answers quickly, "That would be the Titanic."
St. Peter lets her through the gate.
St. Peter turns to the garbage man and decides to make the question a little harder. "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man has just seen the movie and answers, "About 1,500."
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter then turns to the lawyer. "Name them."
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More Movie Cliches
[from "The Movie Cliches List," now at page:
http://www.moviecliches.com/]
ENVIRONMENT
- Thunder and lightning always happen at the same time.
- Storms start instantaneously: there's a crack of thunder and lightning, then heavy rain starts falling.
- Heavy rain causes no loss of long-distance visibility.
- Everything is blue at night-time.
- Caves always have flat floors, and it's never fully dark.
- There is always someone in the canal or the storm drain when the flood hits.
- The moon is always out at night (except for those cheaper movies where the sun is still out.).
- Full moon can occur for several nights in a row.
- Eclipses happen frequently, and without any warning.
BARS/DRINKING
- Every time some guy walks into a bar, usually the hero, he gets into a fight, usually right under a BUDWEISER sign (see "product placement"). Likelihood of fight increases if country music is playing in the background.
- Movie heroes in a bar will either order strong alcoholic drinks and swallow them down like iced tea, or will ask for milk. The latter will always provoke sarcastic remarks and a fight will ensue.
- When men drink whiskey, it is always in a shot glass, and they always drink it in one gulp. If they are wimps, they will gasp for air, then have a coughing fit. If they are macho, they will wince briefly, flashing clenched teeth.
- A cup of black coffee/splash of cold water in face is enough to render the most inebriated person stone cold sober in a split second (see several thousand westerns, and "Peter's Friends.")
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CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
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PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
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