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LYAO -
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The Value of Consultants
I took some clients out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing, until our busboy came with water & tableware. He, too, sported a spoon in his breast-pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, and other restaurant workers had spoons in their pockets. When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?”
"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some Price-Waterhouse efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analysis, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil, at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time -- nearly 1.5 extra man hours per shift."
Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained.
I was impressed. "Thanks. I had to ask.”
"No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders.
As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back and forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, all the male waiters & busboys had strings hanging out of their trousers. My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so, before he could leave, I had to ask, "Excuse me, but ... uh ... why, or what ... about that string?”
"Oh, yeah," he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the Men's room, too.”
"How's that?”
"You see, by tying a string to the end of our, uh ... selves ... we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!
"Oh, that makes sense," I said. But then, thinking through the process, I asked "Hey, wait-a-minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?”
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys; but I use my spoon."
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Are YOU a Chataholic?"
[originally from http://www.connect.ab.ca/~mcleary/jokes.html
(site no longer exists) -LE]
Have you ever said this to someone?
"I'm just gettin' on for a MINUTE"
I got up this morning, but haven't yet dressed.
My dishes aren't done, and my house is a mess.
Have not done my work, have not fed the cat,
Just on line for a second, and popped in to "chat."
I used to watch TV, I used to cook Mex,
I think I remember ... yeah, I used to have SEX!
I used to walk upright, now roll on my chair,
Tho' it causes the neighborhood children to stare.
I wanted to travel around on the Net,
Been too busy chatting to get on there yet.
I wanted to spreadsheet, word process, or paint,
But gettin' on with them is just what I ain't!
So much to learn and I wanted to but
I'm too busy chatting and splitting a gut,
Talkin' and listenin' ... is it such a sin?
Oh, gawd, what a fix I have got myself in!
Then up pops a name on my neat Buddy List,
Think I'll go out and give HIS tail a twist!
And in comes an IM from some weirdo guy
I cuss 'im, insult 'im, and tell him "bye bye."
Is there a 12 step, support group, or such?
For those of us folks who chat on too much?
If there was a group, I would like it just fine,
Except that it prob'ly would be here online!
Are there therapists here? I think that I saw some
Its got me, its got me, its power is AWESOME.
It's my new computer, I've had it one week,
Now I look in the mirror and I see a "geek."
Or maybe a geekess, but I see the signs,
Please help me, please help me, please get me offline!
Or better, please Email a burger and fries
Cause I'm Stayin on Line at least Till I Die.
--Author unknown
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AOL Addiction
My computer broke down.
It crashed and burned!
And for my AOL,
I really yearned!
I tried to stay busy ...
And keep it off my mind.
It was worse than cigarettes,
at least butts I can find!!
So I went to Wal-Mart,
and got on their PC.
The cashier in electronics
was staring at me.
But I didn't care.
I had to get on line!
Check my mail,
and see what buddies I can find.
I drew a crowd
as I began to cry.
I couldn't find the password
no matter how hard I tried!
I need my AOL!!
I got to have my fix!!
Go to my favorite places,
check out some cool pics.
The cashier called Security!
I heard her whisper low,
"We have ourselves a Psycho here"
and she has got to go!"
Security rushed over.
Not long did he stall.
Obviously he has never suffered
from AOL withdrawal.
He slapped cuffs on my wrists
and threw me out the door!
Then he looked at me and said,
"Don't come round here no more!"
I feel so embarrassed!!
I have sunk so low!
To be kicked out of Wal-Mart ...
How low can I go?
So I'll try really hard now
to rid myself of this affliction.
Get rid of these bad habits
and my AOL Addiction
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What's For Lunch?
An Irishman, a Mexican, and a redneck are doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They are eating lunch and the Irishman says, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opens his lunch box and exclaims, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The redneck opens his lunch and says, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping, too."
Next day, the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and leaps to his demise. The redneck opens his lunch, sees a bologna sandwich and hurls himself from the building.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also sobs, and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turns and stares at the redneck's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me" she says. "He made his own lunch."
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How'd He Do That?
A gynecologist was getting tired of his job, and decided to switch careers. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines, so he enrolled in a school for car mechanics. When the class ended, the students were given their final exam: strip a car engine completely and reassemble it in perfect working order.
The gynecologist did his best -- and was amazed to find he scored 150%. "How could that be?" he asked.
"Well," said the instructor, "I gave you 50% for taking the engine apart. Next, I gave you 50% for reassembling it -- a really fantastic job. And then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the exhaust pipe."
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Charades
There's this couple doing yard work and the wife stops to go up and take a shower. So the guy is looking for the rake and yells to his wife, who looks out of the upstairs bathroom window, "Where's the rake?"
She can't hear him, so he points to his eye [I], points to his knee [need] and then makes raking motions.
"What?" she yells. So he goes through the whole routine again.
She nods like she gets it and then points to her eye, squeezes her left breast, slaps her butt, and rubs her crotch.
Her husband is somewhat confused, but totally aroused. So he quickly goes into the house, up the stairs, and into the bathroom. "What did you say?" he asks.
She says, "I said: eye, left t-t, behind, the bush."
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The Pharmacist
A man goes into the local drugstore, barges his way through to the counter and accuses the pharmacist of being rude to his wife. The Pharmacist tries to explain, but before he can say more than a word or two, the man jumps onto the counter and grabs him.
"Just a minute," pleads the pharmacist. "Listen to my side of it!
"This morning the alarm fails to go off, so I am late getting up. I go without breakfast and hurry out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside.
I break a window to get my keys. So now I am really late. I get a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I have a flat tire. When I finally get to the store, there's a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I get the store opened and start waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone is ringing its head off.
Then I break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spill all over the floor. I get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - and when I came up I crack my head on the open cash drawer, which makes me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and break. You can imagine.
The phone is still ringing, and I finally get to answer it. It is your wife. She wants to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And mister, I'm sorry. I told her to stick it up her ass."
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Dilbert's Salary Law: Engineers Vs. Business Executives
(Joke du jour; please ignore if your funnybone is otherwise busy, or if you are a manager, or if you have no life.)
Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now we have a mathematical proof that explains why this is true.
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows,
Work
------- = Power
Time
Since
Knowledge = Power
and
Time = Money,
we have:
Work
-------- = Knowledge
Money
Solving for Money, we get:
Work
------------ = Money
Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the amount of Work done.
Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make.
Note: It has been speculated that the reason Bill Gates dropped out of Harvard's math program was because he stumbled upon this proof as an undergraduate, and dedicated the rest of his career to the pursuit of ignorance.
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One Liners
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals.
‑‑Ronnie Corbett
They think they can make fuel from horse manure ... Now, I don't know if your car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put a stop to siphoning.
‑‑Billie Holliday
I dated this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name"
‑‑Mike Binder
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.
‑‑Ed Bluestone
I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead.
‑‑Sue Kolinsky
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
‑‑Roger Simon
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, [and] tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
‑‑Pearl Williams
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
‑‑Billiam Coronel
Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I wish I could. It's like having a little pet for your face.
‑‑Anita Wise
I think men who have a pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
‑‑Rita Rudner
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
‑‑Jay Leno
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
‑‑Johnny Carson
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Potential versus Reality
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then, go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then, come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."
Then, he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
His sister looks up and says, "Oh my God! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two millions bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."
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New Personal Quiz
***Make a wish before you start the quiz***
Warning! Do take the quiz as you read, there are only 5 questions, and if you scan all the way to the end before finishing you won't get the honest results.
Don't cheat. Scroll slowly and do each exercise. Don't look ahead.
Get pencil and paper and write down your answers. You will need them at the end. This is an honest quiz that will tell you about your true self. Please take it seriously. Enjoy!
Chapter I:
Arrange the following 5 animals according to your preference:
Cow
Tiger
Sheep
Horse
Monkey
*****
Chapter II:
Write one word to describe each of the following:
Dog
Cat
Rat
Coffee
Ocean
*****
Chapter III:
Think of somebody (who also knows you) that you can relate to the following colors. Don't repeat an twice. Name only one person for each color.
Yellow
Orange
Red
White
Green
*****
Chapter IV:
Finally, write down your favorite number and favorite day.
*****
Are you done?
Make sure your answers are what you TRULY feel ... Last chance ...
See the interpretations below:
But before going on just *****make your wish*****
|
V|
V|
V|
V|
V*****
Chapter I Interpretation:
This defines your priorities in life:
Cow means career
Tiger means pride
Sheep means love
Horse means family
Monkey means money
*****
Chapter II Interpretation:
Your description of Dog implies your own personality
Your description of Cat implies your partner's personality
Your description of Rat implies your enemy's personality
Your description of Coffee is how you interpret sex
Your description of Ocean implies your own life
*****
Chapter III Interpretation:
Yellow - somebody who will never forget you
Orange - someone whom you can consider as your real friend
Red - someone you really love
White - your soul-mate
Green - a person whom you will always remember for the rest of your life
*****
Chapter IV Interpretation:
Your favorite number is the number of persons you will be sending this test to
Your favorite day is the day that your wish will come true!
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True Stories[?] from the California Highway Patrol
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained a picture-of handcuffs. He sent the $40.00
*****
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."
*****
A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no - he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back - and they run down the street to the robbery. The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X lives there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find: the police car, lights still flashing.
This true story was told by the driver at his first AA meeting, according to the newspaper account.
*****
A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. But, one day, the officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.
*****
The woman in question, a cute blonde as it happens, was pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer.
When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said: "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."
He replied, "No, highway patrolmen don't have balls."
There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.
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Oh My God!
An old man is on the beach and walks up to a beautiful girl in a bikini, "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaims.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replies.
"I want to feel your breasts. I will give you twenty dollars," he says.
"Twenty dollars? Are you nuts!" Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS," he states.
"NO! Get away from me!"
"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS," he offers.
She pauses to think about it, then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!"
"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed.
She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough ... and $500 IS a lot of money ... "Well, OK ... but only for a minute."
She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel ... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD ... " while he was caressing them.
Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"
While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"
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Top 15 Reasons We KNOW Microsoft Owns Part of Apple Computing
15. Apple's stock fell only 25% last week.
14. Bill Gates' birthday now a paid holiday for Apple employees.
13. Mac startup sound changed to "Taps."
12. Street brokers have stopped using Apple stock certificates as toilet paper.
11. new slogan: "Almost as good as Windows!"
10. been bent over with its pants dropped for so long now, even a geek like Bill Gates was bound to get lucky.
9. rainbow-colored apple now inhabited by cute rainbow-colored worm.
8. comes out with an operating system incorporating Mac technology ... uh, wait a minute ...
7. and utilities mysteriously start working again at Apple's corporate HQ.
6. Jobs seen tending bar at the Gates' private lawn party.
5. Microsoft's staff cafeteria can now enjoy their apple pie purely for its wholesome goodness and no longer as a symbolic act of global domination.
4. Unsold Newtons used as cobblestones in Gates' driveway.
3. Apple Employee of the Month gets to hunt loose change at Bill's house.
2. New Apple employee dress code includes large "Property of B. Gates" tattoo on ass.
and the Number 1 Sign That Microsoft Owns Part of Apple ...
1. Gates still burned in effigy, but upper management no longer attends.
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Double Room
A man who had been driving all night finally arrived at his destination. He pulled into the first hotel, and asks for a room. The desk clerk told him that a huge convention is in town, and as far as she knows, there isn't a hotel room to be found. He went to the next hotel and was told the same thing. After a couple of hours of stopping at hotels and being told basically the same thing, he came to the last hotel in town, only for find, as was the case all night, that every room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded to the hotel manager, "Or, just a bed -- I don't really care where. I'm completely exhausted"
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and I'm sure he would be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained all week. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the man came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager asked him how he survived.
"Never better." John said.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope. I shut him up in no time."
"How'd you manage that?"
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the man said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Good night, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
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Bumpersnickers
- "The world is flat" -Class of 1492
- 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
- A good day is when the sh-t hits the fan and I have time to duck.
- A tisket a tasket a condom or a casket.
- All generalizations are false.
- All I want is an unfair advantage.
- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
- Ask me about my vow of silence.
- Ban all guns!!! Courtesy of the knife industry.
- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
- Born again pagan.
- (big type) MAKE LOVE NOT WAR ... (small type) See driver for details!
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- Come to Wisconsin and smell our dairy air.
- Confusion not only reigns, it pours.
- Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
- Cunning linguist.
- Currently looking for a small country to rule.
- Custer had it coming!
- D.A.R.E. Drugs Are Real Expensive.
- Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'
... till you can find a rock.- Do me a favor ... Steal this car.
- Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
- Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus.
- Don't hit me, my lawyer's in jail.
- Don't kidnap me. My kid won't pay.
- Don't steal ... The government hates competition.
- Don't tailgate - I'll flick a booger on your windshield.
- Earth is the insane asylum of the universe.
- Eve was framed.
- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
- Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
- Everyone is gifted -- Some open the package sooner.
- Everything is controlled by a small, evil group
to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.- Feed Jane Fonda to the Whales.
- Focus on your own damn family.
- For people who like peace and quiet: A phoneless cord
- Friends don't let friends drive Naked.
- G* F*ck Y**rs*lf -- Would you like to buy a vowel?
- Geography is where it's at.
- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
- Give Pizza Chants.
- Guess where my other hand is!
- Gun control means using both hands.
- Hang up and drive!
- Having abandoned my search for truth, I am now looking for a good fantasy.
- Hell, yes, I'm drunk.
- Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!
- Help! My Reality Check Bounced!
- Honk if you're horny ... Pull over if you mean it!
- How can my checking account be overdrawn? I still have checks!
- I am not a brat!!! Am not, am not, am not!!
- I brake for no apparent reason.
- I brake for the hell of it!
- I brake for ... OH SH-T, NO BRAKES!!!
- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
- I distinctly remember forgetting that.
- I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem.
- I have seen over the mountain, and it is more suburbs.
- I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
- I like my spotted owls deep fried in Exxon oil.
- I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
- I love cats ... they taste just like chicken.
- I may be slow, but I am ahead of you.
- I saw--I conquered--I came.
- i souport publik edekasion.
- I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
- I tried to contain myself, but I escaped.
- I used to run with the wolves. Now I nap with the cats.
- I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ...
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.- I'm busy ... You're ugly ... Have a nice day.
- I'm no stunt driver.
- I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
- I'm not a tourist, I live here.
- I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
- I'm not deaf, I just like to block your way.
- I'm Pro-choice, because the last thing I need is more idiots to p**s me off
- I'm Schizo, but I'm good people!
- I'm trying to see things from your point of view,
but I just can't get my head that far up my a*#.- If a thing goes without saying, LET IT.
- If this car was a horse I'd have to shoot it.
- If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
- If you are psychic, think "HONK."
- If you can read this, you're within phaser range.
- If you don't like the way I drive? Get off the sidewalk!.
- If you get any closer, INTRODUCE YOURSELF!
- If you think I'm weird, then I KNOW you're boring.
- IF, a two-letter word for FUTILITY.
- Imagine Whirled Peas.
- In America you can dodge the draft, cheat on your .wife, do drugs, and be President.
- (big print) JESUS LOVES YOU ... (fine print) Everybody else thinks you're an a--hole.
- Indecision may or may not be my problem.
- It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
- It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
- It's not the heat! It's the stupidity!
- Jesus is coming ... Look Busy.
- Jesus is my co-pilot, and Satan is my bombardier.
- Jesus Saves by using coupons and rebates.
- Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you.
- Kiss her where it smells. Take her to New Jersey. (Seen in New York.)
- Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
- Learn from your parents' mistakes -- Use birth control.
- Let's put the fun back in dysfunctional.
- Life's too short to live in Houston.
- Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
- Me ... You ... Dinner ... Motel.
- Mentally confused and prone to wandering.
- Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
- Mutate now, avoid the rush.
- My disgust with the current administration cannot be summarized here.
- My wombat was marsupial of the month at City College.
- Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
- Nice front bumper you've got there. Shame if something happened to it.
- No one knows I'm gay.
- Of all the people I passed today, you're one of them.
- Oh Lord, Deliver me from thy followers.
- Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
- On a Rolls Royce: Screw the Poor.
- Oregonians don't tan, they rust.
- Orgasm Donor.
- Out of my mind -- Back in five minutes.
- Pass on the right -- Driver chews.
- Peas and Hominy.
- Prevent inbreeding -- Ban country music.
- Pro choice: Because not every ejaculation needs a name.
- Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
- Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
- Remember: When one door closes, another ... gets slammed in your face!
- Save the Whales -u Collect the Whole Set.
- Saxon Violins.
- Seen on the back of a small car being towed behind a motor home:
Be Patient. I am pushing as fast as I can.- Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
- Shotgun in rack is loaded.
- Shut up, Get in and Hang On!
- Shut up, Get out and Start Pushing!
- Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
- So many men. So few with brains
- Stay out of my spots!
- Still living in the sixties, until something better comes along.
- Still Pissed at Yoko.
- Straight, but not narrow.
- Stupid people shouldn't breed.
- Support Cannibalism: Eat Me!
- Synonym -- A word you use when you can't spell the other
- Team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.
- Placed upside down on bumper ... Thank God, I'm Polish.
- Thanks, but I was born ok the first time.
- The difference between a fox and a dog is usually 4 beers.
- The grass is always greener on the unlit side.
- The last time I had this much fun, they said I wasn't going to pull through
- The more you complain the longer God lets you live.
- The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
- There is no such thing as Gravity! The Earth sucks!
- There's no life like a low life.
- This isn't Burger King, you can't have it your way.
- Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
- To all you virgins ... thanks for nothing.
- Today's subliminal message is: ( )
- Ugliness is no handicap.
- Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
- W.W.J.D. Who Wants Jack Daniel's?
- Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
- We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
- We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
- We don't care how you do it in New York.
- We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
- Weekend Wench.
- When there's a will, I want to be in it!
- When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.
- Where am I going? And why am I in this handbasket?
- Wink, I'll do the rest!
- YOU! Out of the gene pool.
- You're just jealous because the voices talk to me.
- Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.
- Your right to a religion does not override my right to avoid it.
- Your Right to Life? Fine, now get one and stay out of mine
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[CMA STATEMENT:
WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.
THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.
IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.
IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.
AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.]
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Jack Schitt
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can handle this situation. You can tell them that not only do you know Jack Schitt, you know his entire family:
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of Knee-Deep N. Schitt Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holy Schitt, their first, unfortunately passed on shortly after childbirth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt; two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt; and another son Bull Schitt.
Against his parent's objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout! Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they produced a son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood, and married the Happens brothers in joyous ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrdd Schitt and Horace Schitt.
Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned to the farm with his new Italian Bride, Peesa Schitt on his arm. The young couple are awaiting the imminent arrival of Baby Schitt.
Now when someone tells you that you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.
--Author Unknown
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Pierre the French Fighter Pilot
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me." Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot. When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing.
When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her chest. "Pierre, what are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot, and when I have white meat, I like to have white wine." They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He strikes a match and lights the Cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU DOING?!"
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!"
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The State Of The Union Address That President Clinton Should Have Given.
"Members of Congress, people of America, I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention.
The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy. Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary, I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President.
So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every a-- that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good.
Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part.
Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport," who thought he could bomb his way into the White House.
Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with.
There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in.
Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability', and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing.
Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange.
And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver-wrestling," shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House.
Which brings me back to my point.
Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night-watchman. The stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust. And anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from.
Bottom line: I'm running a country here, and I'm doing it with my pecker showing.
What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it.
In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the Presidential limousine."
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Payback's a Bitch
A businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble.
He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport, he could get himself home. So, he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.
The cabby said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
So, the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later, the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked.
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me a blow-job on the way?"
"What?!!! Get the hell out of my cab!"
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabby replied "Fifteen bucks."
The businessman said, "Okay," and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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