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LYAO -
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Maxims For Life
[from an e-mail card I received from a friend from
http://www.cardmaster.com/
NOTE: The site still exists in 04/2006, but I couldn't find the card -LE]
- Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
- Memorize your favorite poem.
- Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
- When you say, "I love you," mean it.
- When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
- Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
- Believe in love at first sight.
- Never laugh at anyone's dreams.
- Love deeply and passionately.
You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.- In disagreements, fight fairly.
No name calling.- Don't judge people by their relatives.
- Talk slow but think quick.
- When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
- Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
- Call your mom.
- Say "Bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
- When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
- Remember the three R's --
- Respect for self,
- Respect for others,
- Responsibility for all your actions.
- Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
- When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
- Smile when picking up the phone.
The caller will hear it in your voice.- Marry a man you love to talk to.
As you get older, his conversational skills will be as important as any other.- Spend some time alone.
- Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
- Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
- Read more books and watch less TV.
- Live a good, honorable life.
Then, when you get older and think back, you'll get to enjoy it a second time.- Trust in God, but lock your car.
- A loving atmosphere in your home is so important.
Do all you can to create a tranquil harmonious home.- In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation.
Don't bring up the past.- Read between the lines.
- Share your knowledge.
It's a way to achieve immortality.- Be gentle with the earth.
- Pray --
There's immeasurable power in it.- Never interrupt when you are being flattered.
- Mind your own business.
- Don't trust a man who doesn't close his eyes when you kiss him.
- Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
- If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living.
That is wealth's greatest satisfaction.- Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck.
- Learn the rules, then break some.
- Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other.
- Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
- Remember that your character is your destiny.
- Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
Send this to at least 5 people and your life will improve:
0- 5 people -- You could possibly enjoy a week of satisfaction. (If you're lucky)
6-10 people -- Your life will improve slightly.
11-15 people -- Your life will improve to your liking.
16-20 people -- You will have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks.
21 and above -- Your life will improve drastically and everything you ever dreamed of will begin to take shape.
[Since nothing BAD will happen if you DON'T send this out, I, the sender of LYAO, do hereby absolve all receivers from HAVING to send this portion of this LYAO out. By the same token, I have sent it to sent it to well over 21 people, so, my life will improve drastically and everything I ever dreamed of will begin to take shape. Right? ;-) --LYAO Editor]
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Moronic Thief Awards (From All Over)
[Not verified, so don't quote as "the truth" -LE]
Louisiana --A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun, and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.
Arkansas -- Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. And, The whole event was caught on videotape.
New York -- As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer. That's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
Seattle -- When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
Ann Arbor -- The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 8:50 AM, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down, because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Newark -- A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone, and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, the thief was apprehended, and sent to the slammer.
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Writer's Hell
A writer dies, and, due to a bureaucratic snafu in the afterworld, she is allowed to choose her own fate: heaven or hell for all eternity. Being a very shrewd dead person, she asks St. Peter for a tour of both.
The first stop is hell where she sees rows and rows of writers sitting chained to desks in a room as hot as a thousand suns. Fire licks the writers' fingers as they try to work, demons whip their backs with chains. Your general hell scene.
"Wow, this sucks," quoth the writer. "Let's see some heaven."
In a moment, they are whisked to heaven and the writer sees rows and rows of writers chained to desks in a room as hot as a thousand suns. Fire licks the writers' fingers as they try to work, demons whip their backs with chains. It looks and smells even worse than hell.
"What gives, Pete?" the writer asks, "This is actually worse than hell!"
"Yes," St. Peter replies. "But here your work gets published."
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Pro One-Liners on Marriage
I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?
--Jerry Seinfeld
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
--George Burns
I wouldn't object to my wife having the last word, if only she'd get to it.
--Henny Youngman
My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite.
--Woody Allen
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
--Anonymous
Why does a woman work for years to change a man's habits, and then complain that he's not the man she married?
--Barbra Streisand
I told someone I was getting married, and they said, "Have you picked a date yet?" I said, "Wow! You can bring a date to your own wedding! What a country!"
--Yakov Smirnoff
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, "You're only interested in one thing," and you can't remember what it is.
--Milton Berle
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!
--Henny Youngman
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then, she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
--Rodney Dangerfield
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Summer Break at K-Mart
Kevin, a 19 year old college student, is home for summer break. In order to make a few extra bucks he decides that he is going to apply for a part time job at the local K-Mart.
Kevin fills out the standard application and is called into the manager's office. The manager is the typical K-Mart employee -- skinny, glasses, pocket protector and K-Mart clothes. Also, he takes a little too much pride in working at K-Mart.
He says, "Kevin, do you think you have what it takes to work at the 'Big K'?"
Kevin laughs to himself, thinking "What an a--hole!" But, since it is an interview he responds, "Absolutely."
"The Manager continues, "In order to work here, you need to be a salesman, and you need to be in touch with the customer. Do you think you've got those qualities?"
Again, Kevin laughs to himself, "Is this @*$^%# guy serious?" But he says, again, "Absolutely."
"Well let me show you how it's done," says the manager. He leads Kevin to a counter and waits for a customer. The first guy to come along drops a 50 pound bag of grass seed on the counter. The manager says, "That's a pretty big bag of grass seed ya got there."
"Yup," responds the customer.
The manager winks at Kevin and says, "Ya think you might need a new lawn mower for that grass you're putting down?"
Kevin actually sees the light bulb go off over the customer's head. "Yeah! That's a great idea." The manager leads him back to the lawn mowers and helps him pick out a really nice model.
"Ya see, Kev, that's how it's done. Ya think you can do that?"
"Hell, yeah!" says Kevin. "Just watch."
Kevin steps up to the counter and the next man to come along drops a huge package of tampons onto the counter. Kevin looks at the box and then at the embarrassed customer. "That's a pretty big box of tampons ya got there," says Kevin.
The embarrassed man looks up feebly and says, "Yup."
A moment of silence passes, and then Kevin blurts out, "Would you be interested in buying a new lawnmower?"
The customer looks up from his shoes and responds, "What the %*($# would I want a lawnmower for?"
Kevin winks at his manager, and says, "Well, since you won't be getting laid this weekend, I figured you might want to mow your $^@#% lawn!"
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The Genius Test
Okay all you genius-types. Don't cheat.
Answer the questions (and write the answers down, so it's HARDER to cheat) before you scroll down and check the answers!
(See Below For Answers - NO CHEATING!)
- Do they have a 4th of July in England?
- How many birthdays does the average man have?
- Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
- A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?
- Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?
- How many outs are there in an inning?
- Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? Why?
- Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of games. There are not ties. Explain this.
- Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
- A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have southern exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the bear? And Why?
- If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
- I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?
- If you have only one match, and you walked into a room where there was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which one would you light first?
- How far can a dog run into the woods?
- A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How long would the pills last?
- A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
- How many animals of each species did Moses take on the ark?
- A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he weigh?
- How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
- What was the President's name in 1950?
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VAnswers to Genius Test:
- Yes (they also have a 3rd of July, a 2nd of July, etc.)
- One a year.
- All months have (at least) 28 days.
- The beggar is the woman's sister.
- Because he is living!
- 6 (3 per side).
- No. The man would be dead,
- They are not playing each other.
- 70 (30 *divided* by ½ (.5) is 60).
- White. (The bear would be a polar bear, because the house *must* be at the North Pole).
- 2 (You just took 2 apples).
- A fifty cent piece, and a nickel (one is not a nickel, but the other one is).
- You will light the match first.
- Half-way (Then he would be running out).
- One hour (Take the first one, the second a half hour later, and then the third one in another half hour).
- 9 ("… all but 9 die ...").
- None. Moses was not on the ark.
- He weighs meat.
- 12
- The same as it is now (1998: Bill Clinton, 2006: GW Bush)
Scoring:
19-20 Correct - Genius
16-18 Correct - Above Normal
9-15 Correct - Normal
7-8 Correct - Nincompoop
4-6 Correct - Moron
0-3 Correct - Idiot
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The Maneuver
Two Texans were having the blue plate special at their favorite watering hole, when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down an Armadillo burger too fast.
The first Texan said to the other, "Think we ought to help?"
"Yep," said the second Texan.
The first Texan got up, walked over to the lady, and asked, "Can you breathe?" She shook her head no. "Can you speak?," he asked. She again shook her head no.
With that, he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt, and started to lick her on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction, and began to breathe with great relief.
The first Texan turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!"
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Blonde's Near-Death Experience
A blonde had a near death experience the other day when she went horseback riding.
Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. The frantic blonde tried with all of her might to hang on, but was thrown off. She fell to the ground, but her foot was caught in the stirrup. Her head continued to bounce on the ground as the horse did not stop or even slow down.
Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged it.
Thank God for heroes.
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[CMA STATEMENT:
WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.
THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.
IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.
IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.
AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.]
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A Lost Ball
A foursome was on the last hole. When the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked it into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend.
After a considerable time he appeared ... with a golf club bent over his head. They all wanted to know what on Earth had happened to him.
He explained that he went over to the cow pasture, but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded! It was a yellow Titlist, so he knew it was not his.
At this time a woman came out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked, "Does this look like yours?"
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I Know What You've Been Doing
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father. The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"
The father replied, "According to the smell of his fingers -- our son in-law!"
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Nursery Rhymes and Sex
Did you hear that Captain Hook died from jock itch?
*****
Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
*****
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters whenever they had sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
*****
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket, pulled out a .45 magnum, pointed it at him, and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"
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The Blonde and the Speeding Ticket
A (South Lake Tahoe) police officer pulls over a little red sports car for speeding. He walks up to the car, and the first thing he notices is how gorgeous the driver is -- Drop-dead beautiful, blonde, the works.
"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your driver's license?"
"License ... ??" The blonde looks confused.
"It's usually in your wallet," replies the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver manages to find it.
"Now may I see your registration?" asks the cop.
"Registration ... What's that?" asks the blonde.
"It's usually in your glove compartment," says the cop, impatiently. After more fumbling, she finds the registration.
"I'll be back in a minute," says the cop and walks back to his squad car.
The officer runs a routine check on the license and registration, and the dispatcher comes back all excited: "Is this woman driving a red sports car?" he asks.
"Yes," answers the officer.
"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asks the dispatcher.
"Uh ... yes," replies the cop.
"Here's what you do," says the dispatcher. "Give her back her stuff, stand back and drop your pants."
"WHAT!!" I can't do that. That's crazy!" exclaims the cop.
"Trust me; just do it," says the dispatcher.
So the cop returns to the blonde, hands back her license and registration, and drops his pants as instructed.
The blonde rolls her eyes and sighs, "Oh no! Not ANOTHER breathalyzer!"
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Always Wondered Why ...
A man was relaxing in his back garden, sitting in the shade, sipping a beer, and listening to the radio. As he chilled out, his wife struggled with a manual mower, pushing up and down the large lawn, sweating and red-faced.
The man's next door neighbor saw the woman battling with the mower and shouted across the fence, "You pathetic excuse for a man! You're just sitting there sipping your beer while your poor wife cuts the grass. You should be HUNG."
"I am." the man shouts back, smiling. "That's why she's doing the grass."
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That Excuse Just Won't Work
A college professor was wrapping up class, outlining some details about the following day's final exam. She said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.
One smart-a-- student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?," and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, she fixed her glare on the student and said, "Not an excuse Wayne. You can just use your other hand to write."
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At the Movies
An elderly couple sat through a porno movie twice. They didn't get up to leave until the theater was ready to close for the night.
"You folks must've enjoyed the show," the usher says.
"Disgusting," says the old lady.
"It was revolting," her husband adds.
"Then why did you sit through it twice?" the usher asks.
"We had to wait until you turned up the house lights," the old lady replies. "We couldn't find my panties, and his teeth were in them!"
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Anatomy Class
A gal enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks her if she knows what her a--hole does when she has an orgasm.
"Sure." she says. "He's at home taking care of the kids."
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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