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LYAO -
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A Rose by Any Other Name ...
A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot, father."
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says, "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"
The priest says, "Watch your language, young man!"
The fisherman, thinking quickly, says, "I'm sorry father, but that's what this particular type of fish is called -- a sonofabitch!"
The priest replies, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know."
After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the Bishop. The priest says, "Look at this big sonofabitch!"
The bishop admonishes, "Please, mind your language. This is a house of God."
The priest says, "No, you don't understand! That's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"
The bishop says, "Hmmm. You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner." So, the Bishop cleans the fish, and brings it to the head mother.
"Could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?," he asks.
The head mother says, in a disapproving tone, "My Lord, what language!"
"No, Sister," the bishop says. "That's what the fish is called - a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it."
"Oh, I understand," the head mother says. "Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight."
Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it.
The priest replies, "I caught the sonofabitch!"
"And I cleaned the sonofabitch!" the bishop says.
Proudly, the head mother adds, "And I cooked the sonofabitch!"
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze -- Not saying a word, just staring. He takes off his little beanie hat, props his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you mother-f-ckers really know how to cook up some fish."
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Then Adam Says ...
What were Adam's first words to Eve?
"You better stand back! I don't know how big this thing gets!"
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Mama, Mama! Look What Tony's Got! (He's G-r-r-r-eat!)
Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she is still a virgin and very inexperienced around men. So, on her wedding night, while staying at her mother's house, she is very nervous. But her mother reassures her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you." So up she goes.
When she gets upstairs, Tony takes off his shirt and exposes his hairy chest. Maria runs downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama! Tony's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria," says her mother. "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she goes again. When she gets up to the bedroom, Tony takes off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria runs downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama! Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry, dear. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she goes again. When she gets there, Tony takes off his socks, and, on his left foot, he is missing the better part of three toes. When Maria sees this, she runs downstairs, again. "Mama, Mama! Tony's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"
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Newlywed Views
A young couple are married, and celebrate their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes, and the groom goes into the bathroom, but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks his bride to please bring one from the bedroom.
When she gets to the bathroom door, he opens the door, exposing his body, in all it's glory for the first time to his bride, where she can see all of him well. Her eyes go up, down, and about midway, they stop and stare. She asks shyly, "What's THAT?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy.
He, also being shy, thinks for a minute and then says, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."
And she, in amazement, asks, "Is that all we have left?"
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The 5 Toughest Questions Women Ask - And Their Answers
The five questions are:
- "What are you thinking?"
- "Do you love me?"
- "Do I look fat?"
- "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
- "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly.
For example:
1. "What are you thinking?"
The proper answer to this question, of course, is
"I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a. Baseball
b. Football
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married with Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg:
"If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2. "Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes."
For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear."
Wrong answers include:
a. I suppose so.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c. That depends on what you mean by "love."
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
3. "Do I look fat?"
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state,
"No, of course not!"
then quickly leave the room.
Wrong answers include:
a. I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b. Compared to what?
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4. "Do you think she's prettier than me?"
The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident, or an actress in a movie you just saw.
In any case, the correct response is,
"No, you are much prettier."
Wrong answers include:
a. Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b. I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c. Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d. Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
5. "What would you do if I died?"
Correct answer:
"Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me, and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way."
This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
"Dear," asks wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," says the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" asks the wife.
"No! 'Course not, dear" says the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" asks the wife.
"Of course dear" he says.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," says the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" asks the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife.
After a long pause, "Well, yes, I suppose I would," replies the husband.
"I see," says the wife, indignantly." And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to," says the husband.
"Really," says the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" says the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She is left-handed."
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The Biggest Lies
- The check is in the mail.
- I'll respect you in the morning.
- I'm from your government, and I am here to help you.
- It's only a cold sore.
- You get this one, I'll pay next time.
- My wife doesn't understand me.
- Trust me, I'll take care of everything.
- Of course I love you.
- I am getting a divorce.
- Drinking? Why, no, Officer.
- I never inhaled.
- It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.
- I never watch television except for PBS.
- ..but we can still be good friends.
- She means nothing to me.
- Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."
- I gave at the office.
- Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.
- I'll call you later.
- We'll release the upgrade by the end of the year.
- Read my lips: no new taxes
- I've never done anything like this before
- Now, I'm going to tell you the truth
- It's supposed to make that noise.
- I *love* your new ...
- ..then take a left. You can't miss it.
- Yes, I did.
- Don't worry, it's OK -- I'm sterile.
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Insurance Claims
The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest possible words. The instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing can be highly entertaining.
- Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
- The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
- I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
- I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
- A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
- The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
- I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
- In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
- I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
- I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
- I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
- As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
- To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
- My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
- An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
- I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
- I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
- The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
- I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
- The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
- I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
- The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.
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CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
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