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LYAO -
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CIDU Reading Material
[The following groups are [were] from "The Comics I Don't Understand: While
You Are Waiting ... Page," originally located at http://members.aol.com/cidu3/waiting.html
(no longer a valid link) -LE]
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Quote
"Our general feeling is that [the rate hikes] will have a negative impact on subscribers."
--Harry Fenik, an industry analyst with Zona Research, on AOL price hikes
*****
Environmental Problems
These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker. A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"
The Saudi says, "Excuse me, what's a shortage?"
The Russian says, "Excuse me, what's meat?"
The North Korean says, "Excuse me, what's an opinion?"
The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me? What's 'Excuse me'?"
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Police Blotter & Legal Briefs (or Brief Legals)
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspected thief by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a Xerox copier. The message "He's lying" was then placed in the copier. Each time the police thought that the suspect wasn't telling the truth, they pressed the "Copy" button, ejecting the message. Believing that the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
*****
Last July, an entire 86-member jury pool for a criminal case in Centerville, Tennessee had to be dismissed because, according to prosecutor Ron Davis, too many members of the pool were related to each other.
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In St. Louis, a city bus carrying only five passengers was involved in an accident with a car. By the time police arrived on the scene, however, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the disabled bus and had started complaining of whiplash injuries and severe back pain.
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Questions
- Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
- Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
- If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
- Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
- Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
- Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
- Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
- Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
- When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?" It sounds like a near hit to me!!
- Do fish get cramps after eating?
- Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic?"
- Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
- Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
- Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?
- How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
- How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
- Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
- Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's?"
- What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
*****
Maybe True, Maybe Not
During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.
After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
*****
Graduates
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
*****
More Quotes
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
--Oscar Wilde
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
--A. Whitney Brown
A great many people think they are thinking, when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
--William James
Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn't eaten in a while.
--Charles Barkley, after blatantly elbowing an Angolan basketball opponent in the Olympics.
Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?
For best results: Wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron. For not so good results: Drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry on roof-rack.
--Laundry instructions on a shirt made by HEET (Korea):
"Time's fun when you're having flies."
--Kermit the Frog
*****
Peanuts to You
A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.
"Mind if I have a few," he asks.
"No, not at all," the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he's emptied most of the bowl. "I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few."
"Oh that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."
*****
I'm Gonna Talk Religion. Stop Me!
Suppose you're traveling to work and you see a stop sign. What do you do? That depends ...
- A postmodernist deconstructs the sign (knocks it over with his car), ending forever the tyranny of the north-south traffic over the east-west traffic.
- Similarly, a Marxist sees a stop sign as an instrument of class conflict. He concludes that the bourgeoisie use the north-south road and obstruct the progress of the workers on the east-west road.
- A serious and educated Catholic believes that he cannot understand the stop sign apart from its interpretive community and their tradition. Observing that the interpretive community doesn't take it too seriously, he doesn't feel obligated to take it too seriously either.
- An average Catholic (or Orthodox or Coptic or Anglican or Methodist or Presbyterian or whatever) doesn't bother to read the sign, but he'll stop if the car in front of him does.
- A fundamentalist, taking the text very literally, stops at the stop sign and waits for it to tell him to go.
- A preacher might look up "STOP" in his lexicons of English, and discover that it can mean:
- something which prevents motion, such as a plug for a drain, or a block of wood that prevents a door from closing;
- a location where a train or bus lets off passengers.
The main point of his sermon the following Sunday on this text is: When you see a stop sign, it is a place where traffic is naturally clogged, so it is a good place to let off passengers from your car.
- An orthodox Jew does one of two things:
- Take another route to work that doesn't have a stop sign, so that he doesn't run the risk of disobeying the Law.
- Stop at the stop sign, say, "Blessed art thou, O Lord our God, King of the universe, who hast given us thy commandment to stop," wait 3 seconds according to his watch, and then proceed.
- Incidentally, the Talmud has the following comments on this passage:
- R[abbi] Meir says: He who does not stop shall not live long.
- R. Hillel says: Cursed is he who does not count to three before proceeding.
- R. Simon ben Yehudah says: Why three? Because the Holy One, blessed be He, gave us the Law, the Prophets, and the Writings.
- R. ben Isaac says: Because of the three patriarchs.
- R. Yehuda says: Why bless the Lord at a stop sign? Because it says: "Be still, and know that I am God."
- R. Hezekiel says: When Jephthah returned from defeating the Ammonites, the Holy One, blessed be He, knew that a donkey would run out of the house and overtake his daughter; but Jephthah did not stop at the stop sign, and the donkey did not have time to come out. For this reason he saw his daughter first and lost her. Thus he was judged for his transgression at the stop sign.
- R. Gamaliel says: R. Hillel, when he was a baby, never spoke a word, though his parents tried to teach him by speaking and showing him the words on a scroll. One day his father was driving through town and did not stop at the sign. Young Hillel called out: "Stop, father!" In this way, he began reading and speaking at the same time. Thus it is written: "Out of the mouth of babes."
- R. ben Jacob says: Where did the stop sign come from? Out of the sky, for it is written: "Forever, O Lord, your word is fixed in the heavens."
- R. ben Nathan says: When were stop signs created? On the fourth day, for it is written: "let them serve as signs."
- R. Yeshuah says: ... [continues for three more pages]
- A Pharisee does the same thing as an orthodox Jew, except that he waits 10 seconds instead of 3. He also replaces his brake lights with 1000 watt searchlights and connects his horn so that it is activated whenever he touches the brake pedal.
- A scholar from Jesus seminar concludes that the passage "STOP" undoubtedly was never uttered by Jesus himself, but belongs entirely to stage III of the gospel tradition, when the church was first confronted by traffic in its parking lot.
- An NT (New Testament) scholar notices that there is no stop sign on Mark street, but there is one on Matthew and Luke streets, and concludes that the ones on Luke and Matthew streets are both copied from a sign on a completely hypothetical street called "Q." There is an excellent 300 page discussion of speculations on the origin of these stop signs and the differences between the stop signs on Matthew and Luke street in the scholar's commentary on the passage. There is an unfortunate omission in the commentary, however -- the author apparently forgot to explain what the text means.
- An OT (Old Testament) scholar points out that there are a number of stylistic differences between the first and second half of the passage "STOP." For example, "ST" contains no enclosed areas and 5 line endings, whereas "OP" contains two enclosed areas and only one line termination. He concludes that the author for he second part is different from the author for the first part and probably lived hundreds of years later. Later scholars determine that the second half is itself actually written by two separate authors because of similar stylistic differences between the "O" and the "P."
- Another prominent OT scholar notes in his commentary that the stop sign would fit better into the context three streets back. (Unfortunately, he neglected to explain why in his commentary.) Clearly, it was moved to its present location by a later redactor. He thus exegetes the intersection as though the stop sign were not there.
- Because of the difficulties in interpretation, another OT scholar emends the text, changing "T" to "H." "SHOP" is much easier to understand in context than "STOP" because of the multiplicity of stores in the area. The textual corruption probably occurred because "SHOP" is so similar to "STOP" on the sign several streets back that it is a natural mistake for a scribe to make. Thus the sign should be interpreted to announce the existence of a shopping area.
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Falling Bear
One hunter was describing one of his adventures to another hunter: "One day, while I was out hunting, I came across this big, hungry-looking bear. I started running for my hunting cabin. The bear was on my tail, getting closer and closer. I thought that I was a goner! Then, all of a sudden, the bear slipped and fell. I took advantage of the situation, and continued making a bee-line for my cabin. The bear got up again and started chasing me again. He gained on me, and again, when I thought I was a goner, the bear slipped again. He got up again, started chasing me, and slipped again. This time, it gave me enough time to get safely inside the cabin and lock the door."
"Holy cow," said his fellow hunter. "If I were you, I would have sh-t in my pants."
"What do you think the bear was slipping on?" the hunter replied.
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Doctor Doctor
A woman goes to the doctor's and says, "Doctor, Doctor, you have to help me. Every time I go to the bathroom, DIMES come out!" The doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week.
A week later, the woman returns and says, "Doctor, Doctor, it's gotten worse! Every time I go to the bathroom, QUARTERS come out!! What's wrong with me?"
Again the doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up, and come back in a week.
Another week passes and the woman returns and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I'm still not getting better! Every time I go to the bathroom, HALF-DOLLARS come out! WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?!!"
The doctor says, "Relax! Relax! You're just going through your change!"
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Bad Sex
Grandpa and Grandma are sitting at the table. Grandma gets up suddenly, rolls up her newspaper and proceeds to slap Grandpa upside the head.
He says, "What is that for?"
Grandma says, "That's for 40 years of bad sex."
Grandpa sits there muttering, rolls up his newspaper, and goes over and slaps Grandma upside the head.
She says, "Now what's that for?"
He says, "That's for knowing the difference."
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Linguistics
(Subtitle: "The Inanity of Discrimination")
The Captain was Jewish, and the new First Officer was Taiwan Chinese. It was the first time they had flown together, and it was obvious by the silence that they didn't get along.
After 30 minutes, the Captain finally spoke. He said, "I don't like Chinese."
The First Officer replied, "Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why is that?"
The Captain said, "You bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese."
The F.O. said, "Nooooo, noooo ... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That JAPANESE, not Chinese."
And the Captain answered, "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese ... it doesn't matter. They're all alike."
Another 30 minutes of silence.
Finally the First Officer said, "No like Jew."
The Captain replied, "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"
"Jews sink Titanic."
The Captain tried to correct him, "No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg."
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg ... no mattah ... all same."
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The Taxi Driver and the Nun
A nun got into a cab, and the driver was staring at her. She asked him why he was staring at her, and he said, "I want to ask you a question, but I don't want to offend you."
She said, "You can't offend me, not as old as I am and as long as I have been a nun ... I have heard just about everything."
The cab driver said, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me."
She said, "Well, let's see what we can work out: 1) You have to be single, and 2) You have to be Catholic."
The cab driver said, "Oh, I'm single, and I am Catholic!!!!"
She said, "O.K., pull into the alley," and he did.
She fulfilled his fantasy, but when they were on the street again, the cab driver started crying. The nun said, "My child, what's the matter?"
He said, "Sister, I have sinned, I lied, I lied! I'm married, and I'm Jewish!!!"
She said, "That's okay. My name is Kevin, and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
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Doctor Doctor
A Doctor was hurriedly going down the hallway, when a nurse came rushing after him explaining that she needed his signature on a patients chart. He reached into his pocket and was about to sign his name, when he realized he was holding a rectal thermometer.
"Damn!" he says to the nurse, "Some a—hole's got my favorite pen!"
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Medical Problems
Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored. "What happened to your feet?" his wife asked.
"I had a childhood disease called tolio."
"Don't you mean polio?"
"No, tolio, it only affects the toes."
He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees. "What happened to your knees?" she asked.
"Well, I also had kneesles."
"Don't you mean measles?"
"No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."
When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me! You also had smallcox!"
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Microsoft & Roswell
ROSWELL, N.M. (AP) -- Today, the United States Air Force issued a long-awaited report about the "Roswell Incident" in which some people claim that software from Microsoft functioned correctly in Roswell, New Mexico in 1947.
As expected, the government's 261-page report denied that there had ever been any evidence that this had ever happened, despite eyewitness reports to the contrary. The report claims that what witnesses actually saw was an experimental Macintosh running a variation of Unix, or perhaps an experimental Unix machine using a form of the MacOS.
Although the official Air Force position is that this is their final report on the matter, long-time Microsoft devotees are not satisfied. "We know it really happened," said Gil Bates, spokesman for a group of Microsoft enthusiasts who call themselves "The .exe-files."
The group's claim of having seen Windows run without crashing is tainted by the revelation earlier this year that some members had falsified evidence by doctoring output from standard Unix utilities and passing it off as Windows data files.
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Be Careful What You Ask For
A man walking down the beach, sees a old bottle in the sand and begins to play kick-the-bottle to amuse himself. After a while he picks it up, and a pissed off genie emerges.
She says, "Normally, I grant 3 wishes, but in your case, you son-of-a-bitch, I am going to grant only one."
He thinks a minute and says "Ok, I want to wake up with 3 women in my bed."
She says, "So be it!" and disappears back into the bottle.
Next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hilary Clinton.
He has no penis, a broken leg, and no health insurance.
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You're not "Big" Enough
This little boy and his grandfather are fishing. Granddad pulls out a beer and the little boy says "Grandpa, can I have one of those?"
Grandpa asks, "Is your penis big enough to touch your a--hole?"
The little boy responds, "No."
"Then you can't have one."
A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar, and the boy asks, "Can I have one of those?"
Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your a--shole?"
The little boy responds, "No."
"Then you can't have one."
Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food, and each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says, "I just won $50,000!!"
Grandpa says, "Great, you're going to split that with me, right?"
The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your a--hole?"
"Yes," Says grandpa.
"Then, go f-ck yourself"
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The First Parent
(from the wisdom of Bill Cosby[?])
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said to them was: "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
"Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?"
"It's over there," said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw the kids having an apple break and he was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the first parent asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Adam answered.
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed.
But there is a reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom, and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
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Smooth Operator
A man approaches a woman in a bar, hoping to get lucky. "I couldn't help but notice that book you're reading," he says.
"Yes, it's about finding sexual satisfaction. Say, did you know that statistically American Indians and Polish men are the best lovers? Oh, by the way, my name's Nancy; what's yours?"
"Flying Cloud Kowalski."
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Take My Wife, Please
Bill Clinton and New Gringrich are lamenting the moral decline of America. Newt says to Bill, "You know, I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married. How 'bout you?"
"I don't know. What was her maiden name?"
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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