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LYAO -
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Ya Never Know WHO You're Gonna Meet
Two men are sitting, drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building, and back into the window."
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
2nd man: "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen."
1st man: "No, it's true, let me prove it to you."
So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window. He takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The 2nd man tells him: "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one-time fluke."
1st man: "No I'll prove it again"
And again he jumps, hurtling toward the street, when around the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building, and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
2nd man: "Well, what the hell! It works! I'll try it."
So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passing the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th ... floors ... and hits the sidewalk with a *splat*.
Back upstairs, the bartender turns to the 1st man: "You know Superman, you're a real a--hole when you're drunk."
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Just a Little Gas
"Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?" inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging belly.
"Why, no Father," answered the nun demurely. "It's just a little gas."
A few months later, Father Dan put the same question to the nun, noticing her habit barely fit across her belly.
"Oh, just a bit of gas," said Sister Ann, blushing a bit.
On his next visit, Father Dan was walking down the corridor, when he passed Sister Ann wheeling a baby carriage. Looking in, the priest observed, "Cute little fart!"
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Top 10 Most Ironic Celebrity Deaths
[Before you ask - NO ...
Most of these celebs are still alive. It's a JOKE!]
10. Ellen DeGeneres -- Suffocates in the closet.
9. Susan Lucci -- Trips and breaks her neck while running up steps to accept an Emmy.
8. Jenny McCarthy -- Struck by a random thought.
7. Frank Sinatra -- Killed by Strangers in the Night.
6. RuPaul -- Prostate cancer.
5. O.J. Simpson -- Murdered by "The Real Killer" in an apparent suicide.
4. Madonna -- Exposure.
3. Unabomber -- Mail bomb returned due to "Insufficient Postage."
2. Al Gore -- Dutch Elm Disease.
And the No. 1 Most Ironic Death:
1. Bill Gates -- Falls out of a Window!
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Mine's Bigger
So what does the elephant say to the naked man?
"Well, it's cute, but can you really breathe out of that thing?"
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Free Pick Up
"Hello? Funeral home? This is Sven, and my wife Lena just died."
"That's terrible! We'll send someone over to pick up her body. Where do you live?"
"At the end of Eucalyptus Street."
"Can you spell that?"
"Hmmmmmm. How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street, and you can pick her up there?"
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Idiots
Idiots And Security
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase, when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So, I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched!
Helpful Idiots:
At a grocery store in San Jose, they have new credit card/bank card readers at the checkout stands. If you don't know how to orient your card to swipe it through the reader, the checkout person will say, "Strip down, face toward me."
Am I wrong, or is this just asking for trouble?
Idiots And Choices:
A customer at a sub shop ordered "a small soda."
The owner responded, "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't have small, just medium and large." (Both cost 99 cents.)
The kicker came when the customer, a rather well-dressed business type, disappointedly said, "Okay, I guess I'll just have to have the medium then."
Idiots and Geography:
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic.
My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?"
Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia.
He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"
Advice for Idiots:
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees.":
"Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."
Idiots in the Neighborhood:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason? Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
Idiots and Computers:
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers.
One night he got a call from a guy in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
Idiots Are Easy To Please:
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year.
My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time.
Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
Idiots In Food Services:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
Idiots Do Math:
A co-worker was telling us about her sister who was coming to visit her for the holidays.
Someone asked how old her sister was, at which she paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, "She's half as old as I am, that's how I always remember."
So someone else (okay, it was me) said, "That's neat ... So every year that you age, she only ages half a year?"
My co-worker thought about that, and then said, "Oh, yeah, I guess it only works on even years."
Idiots and Cooking:
On the back of frozen Skyline Chili, the directions read, "Heat 4-5 minutes, turn 180 degrees clockwise."
I wonder, if I were to turn it 180 degrees counter-clockwise, would it not cook correctly?
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Bumpersnicker
Lord save me from your followers.
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Quote of the Day
For every woman who makes a fool out of a man, there's another who makes a man out of a fool.
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Retirement Gifts
It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and up the stairs to the bedroom, where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced! When he had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All of this was just too wonderful for words," he said. "But what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said; "Screw him. Give him a dollar. The breakfast was my idea!!"
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Rejected Hallmark Greetings
So your daughter's a hooker, And it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, She's a really good lay. My tire was thumping I thought it was flat When I looked at the tire I noticed your cat Sorry You had your bladder removed And you're on the mends Here's a bouquet of flowers And a box of Depends You've announced that you're gay, Won't that be a laugh, When they find out you're one Of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I had mine I got real snippy. Heard your wife left you How upset you must be But don't fret about it She moved in with me Your computer is dead It was once so alive Do you regret installing Windows 95? You totaled your car And can't remember why Could it have been That case of Bud Dry?
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David Letterman's Top Ten List
[True - see
http://www.cbs.com/latenight/ ... ls_topten_archive_19970822.shtml]
(04/1998) In case you missed the article, someone found a condom in a McDonald's hamburger recently.
"McDonald's Excuses for the Condom in a Big Mac"
10. We were test-marketing the new "McTrojan."
9. Condom, condiment--what's the damn difference?
8. It still tastes better than the "Arch Deluxe."
7. It was either there or in the vanilla shake.
6. Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true.
5. We're experimenting with a new, even happier "Happy Meal."
4. So what -- a regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway.
3. Employees too embarrassed to say, "Would you like condoms with that?"
2. Drive-thru speaker broken -- "Coke with lots of ice" sounded like "prophylactic device."
And the #1 reason:
1. When you're "servicing" billions and billions, you can't be too careful!!!
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Aliens and the Gas Pump
Two aliens land in the desert, and they happen to land next to an old gas station. The aliens waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that resembles a "being" is an antique gas pump. The two aliens approach, and the first one says, "Earthling, take me to your leader!"
Of course he gets no response. The first alien looks at his buddy, then addresses the pump again.. "Earthling, I said take me to your leader!"
Of course, still no response. The alien then turns to his buddy and says, "If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect, and at least acknowledge me, I'm going to blast him!"
At that, the second alien replies, "OK. I'm just going to stand down the road a ways."
The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle down the road. He then addresses the pump a third time. "Earthling take me to your leader!"
Still nothing. So the alien pulls out his ray gun and vaporizes the pump. The gas station goes up in a huge explosion, blowing the alien all the way down the road to where his buddy is standing. He gets up, dusts himself off, and turns to the second Alien. "If you knew that was going to happen, why didn't you warn me!""
The second replies, "Well, I didn't know exactly *what* was going to happen. But there's no way I'm gonna mess with a guy whose dick hangs to the ground, wraps around his body twice, and is still long enough to stick in his left ear!"
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How Much Is It Worth To You?
A beautiful woman gets out of the shower, wraps a towel around her luscious form, and tells her husband that he can get in the shower.
As he enters the shower, the doorbells rings.
The wife says she'll get the door and goes downstairs.
When she opens the door, she sees her neighbor, Bill, whose jaw drops open at the sight of her. He pulls out two one hundred bills, and tells her that they are hers if she will just let the towel fall to her waist.
She pauses, then says to herself, "Heck, why not?" So, she drops the towel halfway down, and takes the money. Bill gasps at the sight and shows her two more hundreds and offers them to her if she will just let the towel go altogether.
She thinks, "Well, I've gone this far, so ... " and drops the towel to the ground. Bill looks for a moment, appreciatively thanks her, gives her the other two $100 bills, and leaves.
By the time she gets back upstairs, her husband has completed his shower and is drying off. He looks up and asks her who was at the door.
She says, "Just Bill."
The husband replies, "Did he say anything about the $400 he owes me?"
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Read 'Em Right!
From Compuserve Jewish Singles Forum
A team of archaeologists are excavating in Israel when they come upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave are the following symbols in order of appearance:
- A dog
- A donkey
- A shovel
- A fish
- A Star of David
They decide that this is a unique find, and the writings are at least more than three thousand years old. They chop out the piece of stone, and have it brought to the museum, where archaeologists from all over the world come to study the ancient symbols.
They hold a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they can agree is the meaning of the markings.
The President of their Society stands up, points at the first drawing and says, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauds enthusiastically, and the President smiles and says, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."
Suddenly, a little old Jewish man stands up in the back of the room and says, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left. Now, look again. It now says: ... " (What does it say?)
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V"'HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE A-- ON THAT BITCH!'"
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A Slippery Survey
A man dressed in a suit comes up to the front porch of house juggling a clipboard, some papers, and a briefcase. He knocks on the door and it's answered by a middle-aged man.
"Mornin' stranger, what can I do for ya?"
"Well, sir, I represent Schneller, Barnum, and Holtz. We're paid by private companies to canvas thousands of consumers like yourself for feedback on their products. Today we're soliciting comments on Vaseline Petroleum Jelly. Would you have time to answer just a couple of questions?"
"I don't see how a couple of questions could hurt. Fire away, young man."
Looking down at his clipboard, the survey-taker asks, "Okay, first, you do use Vaseline, correct?"
"Yessir, for as long as I can remember."
"Great, now, what exactly do you use it for?" asks the survey-taker with his pen poised over his clipboard, ready to record the answer.
"Let's see, we use it for dry skin, chapped lips, and sex."
The well-dressed man stops writing abruptly. He looks around, leans forward, and says, "I know how you'd use Vaseline for dry skin and chapped lips. But would you mind telling me how you use it for sex?"
"No problem," the homeowner says in a whisper. "We put it on our bedroom doorknob."
The survey-taker gets a strange look on his face, and takes a step backward before the homeowner continues. "It keeps the kids out."
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The Stress Diet
(This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds during the course of the day.)
BREAKFAST
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice of whole wheat toast
8 oz. low fat or skim milk
LUNCH
4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Oreo cookie
MID-AFTERNOON SNACK
Rest of Oreos in pack
2 pints Haagen Dazs ice cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce, nuts, cherries, whipped cream
DINNER
2 loaves garlic bread with cheese
large sausage & cheese pizza
4 cans or 1 large pitcher beer
3 Milky Way candy bars
LATE EVENING NEWS
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake eaten directly from the freezer.
RULES FOR THIS DIET
- If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
- If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
- When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.
- Food used for medicinal purposes never counts, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and Sara Lee cheese cake.
- If you fatten up the people around you, then you look thinner.
- Movie-related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package and are not part of one's personal intake. Examples are Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Jr. Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.
- Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes caloric leakage.
- Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife while making a sandwich or ice cream on a spoon while making a sundae.
- Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples include spinach and pistachio ice cream, cauliflower and whipped cream.
NOTE:
Chocolate is a universal substitute and may be used in place of any other food.
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The Value of Time
[INSPIRATIONAL ALERT]
To realize the value of one year:
Ask the student who has failed a final exam.
To realize the value of one month:
Ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.
To realize the value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize the value of one hour:
Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realize the value of one minute:
Ask the person who has missed the train, bus or plane.
To realize the value of one second:
Ask the person who has survived an accident.
To realize the value of one millisecond:
Ask the person who has won the silver medal in the Olympics.
Time waits for no one.
Treasure every moment you have.
(See the following story.)
You will treasure it even more when you can share it with someone special.
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Story to Live By
by Ann Wells (Los Angeles Times)
My brother-in-law opened the bottom drawer of my sister's bureau and lifted out a tissue-wrapped package. "This," he said, "is not a slip. This is lingerie." He discarded the tissue and handed me the slip. It was exquisite; silk, handmade and trimmed with a cobweb of lace. The price tag with an astronomical figure on it was still attached. "Jan bought this the first time we went to New York, at least 8 or 9 years ago. She never wore it. She was saving it for a special occasion. Well, I guess this is the occasion."
He took the slip from me and put it on the bed with the other clothes we were taking to the mortician. His hands lingered on the soft material for a moment, then he slammed the drawer shut and turned to me. "Don't ever save anything for a special occasion. Every day you're alive is a special occasion."
I remembered those words through the funeral and the days that followed when I helped him and my niece attend to all the sad chores that follow an unexpected death. I thought about them on the plane returning to California from the Midwestern town where my sister's family lives. I thought about all the things that she hadn't seen or heard or done. I thought about the things that she had done without realizing that they were special.
I'm still thinking about his words, and they've changed my life. I'm reading more and dusting less. I'm sitting on the deck and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden. I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time in committee meetings. Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experience to savor, not endure. I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them.
I'm not "saving" anything. We use our good china and crystal for every special event-such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, the first camellia blossom. I wear my good blazer to the market if I feel like it. My theory is if I look prosperous, I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries without wincing. I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties; clerks in hardware stores and tellers in banks have noses that function as well as my party-going friends'.
"Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my vocabulary. If it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now.
I'm not sure what my sister would have done had she known that she wouldn't be here for the tomorrow we all take for granted. I think she would have called family members and a few close friends. She might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles. I like to think she would have gone out for a Chinese dinner, her favorite food. I'm guessing-I'll never know.
It's those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew that my hours were limited. Angry, because I put off seeing good friends whom I was going to get in touch with-someday. Angry, because I hadn't written certain letters that I intended to write-one of these days. Angry, and sorry, that I didn't tell my husband and daughter often enough how much I truly love them. I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughter and luster to our lives.
And every morning when I open my eyes, I tell myself that it is special.
Every day, every minute, every breath truly is ... a gift from God.
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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