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LYAO -
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Gone Country
Once there was this city boy who wanted to go country, so he headed out to a farm to buy some animals. "I'll take one of these," he said to the farmer. "What is it?"
"Well, to me it's a cock, but to you it's a rooster," said the farmer.
"I'll take one of these, too," said the city boy. "What is it?"
"Well, to me it's a pullet, but to you it's a chicken," replied the farmer.
"Okay," said the city boy. "And I'll take one of those, too, if you'll tell me what it is."
"To me it's an ass, but to you it's a mule," explained the farmer. "And when that a-- gets stubborn, it sits down and you have to scratch it's belly to get it moving again."
So, the city boy set off down the road with all his new purchases. He was doing fine until a pretty girl drove by, at which point the a-- sat down and refused to budge. Seeing he as having some trouble, the girl backed up and asked if there was anything she could do to help.
"Actually, yes," said the city boy. "Will you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?"
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The Truck Driver and the Priest
A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP," and then he would swerve back onto the road.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat, and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But, then, he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer.
However, even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors, and, when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got the son-of-a-bitch with the door!"
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Note on an Office Door
Having an out of body experience. Back in five.
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Quote of the Day
If you can't laugh at yourself ... laugh at someone else.
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Exactly What Are These?
Two immigrants, on their first day in America, are wandering around seeing the sights of New York City. One spots a street vendor selling "Hot Dogs" , and says in a shocked tone, "My God, do they eat dogs in America?"
"I don't know," says the other, equally appalled.
"Well," says the first. "We're going to be Americans, so we must do as they do."
They approach the vendor bravely. "Two, please." The vendor hands them their food in a pair of paper sacks.
The immigrants sit on a park bench to eat their lunch. One looks inside his sack, turns to the other, and says, "Uh, which part of the dog did you get?"
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More New Computer Viruses to Watch for
Bill Clinton Virus
Asks you if you would like to "Cyber," while an electronic arm comes out from your screen and starts pulling at your clothing.
Hillary Clinton Virus
Takes over your entire computing network, then offers a generic health care option for treatment of Computer Viruses.
Dolly Parton Virus
Duplicates everything on your system causing you to see double.
Jerry Springer Virus
Your computer throws itself off of your table top and will start biting you on the leg while it pulls your hair and typing "bleep, bleep, bleep" all across your screen.
Joan Rivers Virus
Pulls your monitor back all the way as far as it can stretch.
Michael Jackson Virus
Your CD ROM extends, grabs itself, then displays pictures of young boys all over your monitor.
Titanic Virus
Your monitor fills up with water, then Leonardo DiCaprio starts singing, "My heart belongs to me."
America On Line Virus
You pay premium prices to get punted, booted, kicked off, signed off, charged off, written off, shut down, and shut out. Then just when you think the worst is over ... a chat room guide pops up and kicks you out for 60 minutes and asks you to review your TOS (Terms of Service) Agreement.
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Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah
Dear Mom & Dad:
We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire, so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday, if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that with a car that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if its hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even care if we didn't wear our life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car, so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. He uses those big words like you guys use when you're fighting.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we were able to stop the bleeding and got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken or something.
I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets.
Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love, Cole
P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?
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More Darwin Awards (from 1997)
[I have not verified if any of these are true.
They usually aren't, so take them with a pinch of salt. -LE]
AUGUSTA, ME - Four people were injured in a string of bizarre accidents. Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry; Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions on his chest, arms and face; Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue; and Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off.
Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him. "I'm still not sure why I did it," she said later. "I was really close to the car, so I didn't think anyone would see. Besides, it couldn't have been for more than two seconds."
However, cab driver Vegas did see, and lost control of his cab, running over the curb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab against the building making her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with a cleaning pick. In shock, he bit down, severing two fingers from Klesick's hand.
Moeller's wound was caused by a falling piece of the medical building.
*****
TAOS, NM - A woman went to a poison control center after eating three birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. A translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors' suspicions.
Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third one, she realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control Center, only a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam from her mouth, throat and stomach with no ill effects.
*****
TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought bungee rope.
Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of cable had been left near the railing. One end was tied to Bingham's leg and the other was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen.
"All I can say, " said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it."
Bingham's foot was never located.
*****
On February 3, 1997, a Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below:
- The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop;
- The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places;
- To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door;
- An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty.
Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.
*****
MOSCOW, RUSSIA - A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bullet-proof vest to see if it would protect him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound.
It is good to see the Russians getting into the spirit of the Darwin Awards.
*****
In France, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment.
He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to hospital ...
... where he died of hypothermia.
*****
Japan Times-April 16, 1997 "The government must crack down on this disgusting craze of "Pumping," a spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima hospital told reporters. "If this perversion catches on, it will destroy the cream of Thailand's manhood."
He was speaking after the remains of 13 year-old Charnchai Puanmuangpak had been rushed into the hospital's emergency room.
"Most 'Pumpers' use a standard bicycle pump," he explained, "inserting the nozzle far up their rectum, giving themselves a rush of air, creating a momentary "high." This act is a sin against God."
Charnchai took it further still. He started using a two-cylinder foot pump, but even that wasn't exciting enough for him, and he boasted to friends that he was going to try the compressed air hose at a nearby gasoline station. They dared him to do it. So, under cover of darkness, he snuck in. Not realizing how powerful the machine was, he inserted the tube deep into his rectum, and placed a coin in the slot. As a result, he died virtually instantly, but passers-by are still in shock. One woman thought she was watching a twilight fireworks display, and started clapping.
"We still haven't located all of him.," say the police authorities. "When that quantity of air interacted with the gas in his system, he nearly exploded. It was like an atom bomb went off or something."
"Pumping is the devil's pastime, and we must all say no to Satan, "Ratchasima concluded. "Inflate your tires by all means, but then hide your bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you."
Let's hear it for Charnchai Puanmuangpak, the NEW 1997 undisputed Darwin Awards recipient!
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Pinocchio's Date
One day, Pinocchio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls and wooden boys do.
Later, as they were cuddling, Pinocchio could tell that something was bothering his girlfriend. So he asked her, "What's the matter, baby?"
Pinocchio's girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied, "You're probably the best guy I've ever met, but every time we make love, you give me splinters."
This remark bothered Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he went to seek some advice from his creator, Gepetto. When Pinocchio arrived, he could tell something was bothering Pinocchio, and asked him what was the matter. As Pinocchio revealed his dilemma, Gepetto searched up and down for a solution. Eventually, he suggested that sandpaper might be able to "smooth" out Pinocchio's relationship with his girlfriend.
Pinocchio gratefully thanked Gepetto and went on his way. Gepetto had not heard from Pinocchio for a while and, therefore, assumed that the sandpaper had solved all of Pinocchio's problems. A couple weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some blades sharpened at the hardware store, when he ran into Pinocchio.
When he saw Pinocchio buying all the packs of sandpaper the store had in stock, Gepetto remarked, "So Pinocchio, things must be going pretty damn good with the girls."
To which Pinocchio replied, "GIRLS? WHO NEEDS GIRLS??"
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Second and Third Opinions
A beautiful young woman went into the hospital for a minor examination. On the day of her examination, the nurses prepared her and wheeled her down to the exam room, and left her lying on the exam table for a few minutes.
While she was lying there, a young man in a white coat came in, lifted her gown up, and began to examine her naked body. He then went away and consulted with another colleague in a white coat. They both returned and examined her again. A third colleague was called over, and he too began to examine her.
By this time, the young lady was becoming quite frustrated at the long wait for her results, and inquired from the white coated individuals: "Look, I don't mind you examining me, but when will I have some kind of results?"
"We haven't got a clue, baby," came the reply, "we're just the janitors!"
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College Coed's Note to Mom and Dad
Dear Mom and Dad,
It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down, okay?
Well, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital, I now can see almost normally, and I only get those sick headaches once a week.
Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory, and my jump, was witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute.
He is a very fine boy, and we have fallen deeply in love, and are planning to get married. We haven't exactly set the date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.
Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know you will welcome the baby, and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me as a child.
The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am taking daily.
I know you will welcome him into the family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well educated, has ambitions. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know oft-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too, for I hear that his father is an important gun-bearer in the village in Africa from which he comes.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you: There was no dormitory fire. I do not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital. I am not pregnant. I am not engaged. I do not have syphilis, and there is no black man in my life.
However, I am getting a "D" in History.
Your loving daughter.
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Zachary Disease
[STEREOTYPE WARNING - This joke REQUIRES it]
A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking through the phone book, she came upon a Chinese doctor (sex therapist) named Dr. Chang.
When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms, and he said, "Take off all your crowes and you craw wleal fass away from me acloss the froor."
She crawled to the other side of the room, and Dr. Chang said, "Now you craw wleal fass back to me," and she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head, and said, "You haf wleal bad case of Zachary Disease. Wouse case I ever see! That why you haf sex plobrem."
The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor what Zachary Disease was.
He replied, "Zachary Disease when youw face rook ZACHARY rike youw ass!"
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Zoo Job
The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant named Calle who has a chronic illness, requiring medication. The zoo people couldn't get Calle to take her dose orally, so a Cal pharmacologist developed a suppository for her. The 10-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by the good folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame.
Administering the DAILY medication takes five zoo workers, including one person to distract Calle with treats, and one person who wears a full-arm glove.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT ALL THIS MEANS?
It means that five people have jobs worse than yours!
Now stop bitching and get back to work.
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[CMA STATEMENT:
WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.
THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.
IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.
IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.
AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.]
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Door-to-Door Salesman
A traveling door to door dildo salesman enters a black woman's house and displays his wares. "Oh," says the black woman, "I'll take the white one, that's right up my alley."
The next house he goes to is a white woman's house. "Oh," says the white woman, "I'll take the black one, that's just what I'm looking for."
The next house he goes to is a blonde's house. "Oh," says the blonde, "I'll take the silver one, that's exactly what I need!"
The salesman goes back to his office, and his boss asks him how he did.
"Oh, pretty good. I sold a white one, a black one and my thermos."
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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