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LYAO -
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Noah in Modern Times
[An encore presentation from January 29, 1998 (pre-LYAO) -LYAO Editor]
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark." And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for the Ark.
"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."
And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lighting bolt crashed to the ground next to Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat and still no owls.
Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.
"No," said the Lord sadly. "Government already has."
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Wrestling Match
Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nodded in agreement.
Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.
Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"
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The Old Man and the Bear
An 80-year-old man was having his annual check-up, and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at ... " replied the doctor.
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The Old Man and the Bear II
[from the Bob and Tom Show]
The old man was showing his grandson his hunting trophies for the first time. As they walked into another room, the grandson was taken aback by the huge grizzly bear standing in attack mode. The bear's head was as big as the grandson's torso, and it's teeth were longer than his fingers.
"Wow, Grandpa!" exclaimed the grandson. "Tell me about HIM," pointing to the bear.
"Well, I was walking down a winding path in the woods, when I turned the corner, and there he was. He stood up, and let out a gigantic roar, and AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, I sh-t my pants."
The grandson said, "Well, I can understand that, Grandpa. I would have sh-t MY pants, too!"
"No, no. Not then," said Grandpa. "Just now, when I said 'AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH'!"
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Signs of the Day
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
In a Non-smoking area:
"If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room door:
"Push, Push, Push."
On a Front Door:
"Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Scientist's door:
"Gone Fission"
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's window:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a Butcher's window:
"Let me meat your needs."
On another Butcher's window:
"Pleased to meat you."
On ANOTHER Butcher's window:
"You can't beat my meat!"
At a Used Car Lot:
"Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
Outside a Hotel:
"Help! We need inn-experienced people."
At an Auto Body Shop:
"May we have the next dents?"
In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium:
"Drop your pants here."
On a desk in a Reception Room:
"We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
On a Music Teacher's door:
"Out Chopin."
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Beauty Shop:
"Dye now!"
On the side of a Garbage Truck:
"We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
On the door of a Computer Store:
"Out for a quick byte."
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
Inside a Bowling Alley:
"Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In a Cafeteria:
"Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
On the door of a Music Library:
"Bach in a minuet."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a Counselor's office:
"Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."
[The "unofficial" motto of a store owned by a man named "Bud" and well-known for it's fresh meat department (never on a sign, but SHOULD have been):
"You Can't Beat Bud's Meat"]
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Just Bidin' Our Time
A policeman was on night patrol when he saw a car parked overlooking a golf course. He approached the car and saw a young couple inside with the dome light on. Inside a young man was in the front seat reading a book, and a young lady was in the back seat calmly knitting. The policeman knocked on the window. The boy rolled down the window, and said, "Yes officer?"
"What are you doing?" asked the policeman.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a book."
Pointing at the girl, the officer asked, "What's she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's knitting a sweater."
Confused the officer asked, "And how old are you, young man?"
"I'm nineteen," he said.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
The young man replied after glancing at his watch, "Well in about twelve minutes, she'll be eighteen."
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Confused Confessor
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin'. There's no paper in this one either."
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Church Humor
Top ten ways the Bible would be different if it were written by college students
10. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold.
9. The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font.
8. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.
7. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten, because it wasn't cafeteria food.
6. Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail to abuse@romans.gov.
5. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
4. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.
3. Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes
2. Reason Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.
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Why Blondes Shouldn't Ask for Help from Other Blondes
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo" she shouts. "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river, then down the river, then shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
The first blonde waves and says, "OH, OKAY . THANKS!"
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Problems with a Puppy
On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, a man got a small puppy as a present for his son. Not having time to rent a carrier and get the paperwork done to take the puppy on board, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and snuck him on board the airplane. About 30 minutes into the trip, a stewardess noticed the man shaking and quivering.
"Are you okay, sir?" asked the stewardess.
"Yes, I'm fine," said the man.
Later, the stewardess noticed the man moaning and shaking again. "Are you sure you're all right, sir?"
"Yes," said the man, "but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants."
"What's wrong?" asked the stewardess. "Is he not housebroken?"
"No, that's not the problem. The problem is he thinks he has a new chew toy."
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Quote of the Day
It's not the size of your humor, it's how you use it.
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"Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky."
[URBAN LEGEND ALERT - No references in 1998,
but it IS an Urban Legend]
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous ." One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind . " statement, but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control.
Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck Mr Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Mr. Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question:
When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex!" You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
True Story.
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How to Chose the Perfect Wife
A man had 3 women to choose from to marry. He gave them all $5000 to see what they'd do with the money.
The first spent all the money on electronics for him. She said, "I want you to have all the latest toys to make you happy, because you should always have what you want, and I love you so much."
The second spent all her money on beauty aids, and nice clothes for herself. She said, "I did it to make me more beautiful for you, because I love you so much."
The third took the money and invested it wisely. She more than doubled her money quickly, and then re-invested it. She said, "I did it so we would be secure, and not have to work so hard all our lives. I did it because I love you so much."
The man thought very hard about the three women and after serious consideration, he married ...
(which one -- think about it, then scroll down for the answer)
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V|
V|
V|
V|
V... the one with the biggest t-ts.
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[CMA STATEMENT:
WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.
THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.
IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.
IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.
AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.]
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Inter-Office Memo - Cursing
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers. Therefore, a list of preferred new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.
Preferred Phrase
(Old Phrase)
Perhaps I can work late
(When the f-ck do you expect me to do this?)
I'm certain that is not feasible
(No f-cking way )
Really?
(You've got to be sh-tting me )
Perhaps you should check with ...
(Tell someone who gives a sh-t )
Of course I'm concerned
(Ask me if I give a sh-t )
I wasn't involved in that project
(Its not my f-cking problem )
That's interesting behavior
(What the f-ck?!!?)
I'm not sure I can implement this
(F-ck it, it won't work )
I'll try to schedule that
(Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner? )
Are you sure this is a problem
(Who the f-ck cares? )
He's not familiar with the problem
(He's got his head up his a-- )
Excuse me sir?
(Eat sh-t and die motherf-cker )
So you weren't happy with it?
(Kiss my a--)
I'm a bit overloaded at this moment
(F-ck it, I'm on salary)
I don't think you understand
(Shove it up you're a--)
I love a challenge
(This job sucks)
You want me to take care of that?
(Who the hell died and made you boss?)
I see
(Blow me)
Yes, we really should discuss it
(Another f-cking meeting!!!!)
I don't think this will be a problem
(I really don't give a sh-t)
He's somewhat insensitive
(He's a f-cking pr-ck )
She's an aggressive go-getter
(She's a ball-busting bitch)
I think you could use more training
(You don't know what the f-ck you're doing)
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Male Bashing 101 This one is for women!!!
What can a bird do that a man can't?
Whistle through it's pecker.
Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop to ask directions.
Why did God put men on earth?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Why don't women have men's brains?
Because they don't have penises to keep them in.
What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
They're usually intended for children, but it's men who end up playing with them.
Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
Because their balls covers their a-holes, and it creates a vapor-lock.
Why do men masturbate?
It's sex with someone they love.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Why did God make man before woman?
You need a rough draft before you have a final edition.
Why is a man's pee yellow and their sperm is white?
So they can tell if they're coming or going.
How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
Nobody knows ... it hasn't happened yet.
Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
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Female Bashing 50.5
[This one is for men! -
A sad attempt to "answer" the above by a guy ... no, not me! SOME of
them are ok. Others are ??? - There are better responses to Male Bashing
101 to come. --LYAO Editor]
What can a bird do that a woman can't?
Satisfy it's own nest, with it's own pecker.
Why did the woman cross the road?
She wanted to choke the chicken.
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
Their eyes are too focused on, "How is THAT thing gonna fit?"
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
The egg is usually ugly and smells like raw fish.
Why did God put women on earth?
So they can cook dinner while the man mows the lawn.
Why don't women have men's brains?
Not matter how much they try to f-ck his brains out, they just can't seem to succeed.
What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
They both spin round and round when you put them on a table top.
Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
Because the woman likes being on top.
Why do women masturbate?
Massengale was sold out.
Why were women given larger brains than dogs?
So they can understand "GO LAY DOWN" without being hit by a newspaper.
Why did God make man before woman?
To give him one peaceful moment of paradise. Then came the woman ...
Why is a man's pee yellow and their sperm is white?
So the woman will know which one to spit out.
How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
Who cares?
Men aren't the one's who need it down all the time.
Have you heard of the "Jack the Ripper" computer virus?
It turns your 3 1/2 inch floppy into 50 megs of RAM.
Wife: I don't know why you wear briefs, you've got nothing to put in them!
Husband: They're not briefs, it's your bra.
[NOTE: I have just one more thing to say to this person: "Keep your day-job!"]
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Viagra Prototype?
A woman walks into her sex therapist's office. She tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, that they never have sex anymore. Then she asks her what to do about it.
The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night, and come back in the morning, and tell her what happened.
The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic. She tells the therapist that the pill worked, and that she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the same thing happens. The woman comes in and tells the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before. She asks what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the woman comes in limping, but happy. She tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better, and better. She wants to know, now, what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says it's an experimental drug, and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person. Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and puts the rest of the bottle of pills in her husband's morning coffee.
A week later, a boy walks into the therapist's office, and asks, "Are you the dumb-a-- who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?"
"Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?"
"Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my a-- hurts, and dad's sittin' in the corner going, 'Here, kitty, kitty, kitty ... '"
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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