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LYAO -
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The Bet
A grandfather and his grandson were out in the garden watching the earthworms. The grandfather said "I bet you $10 that you can't get this worm into that hole!"
So the little boy tried & tried, but to no avail; the floppy worm would just not go into the hole.
Suddenly the little boy got up and ran to the house shouting "I have an idea!" He returned quickly with a spray can of starch and sprayed the worm with it. The worm extended and became as stiff as a pencil. The boy easily stuck the worm into the hole.
The grandfather admitted defeat and said, "Sonny, I don't have the money on me right now, but I'll give it to you at breakfast, tomorrow."
The next day, the boy rushed down to breakfast and found a $10 bill on the left side of his cereal bowl and a $100 bill on the right side of his cereal bowl. He looked up at his grandfather, who said "The $10 is for our bet, and the $100 is from your grandmother."
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The Entrance Exam
Three nuns die and go to heaven. They're met at the gates of heaven by St. Peter, and say to him, "Hi St. Peter. We're three nuns. Can we come in?"
"No, no!" says St. Peter. "It's not that simple. These days, you have to pass a test to get into heaven."
"OK," say the nuns. "We'll do whatever it takes to get into heaven."
So, St. Peter asks the first nun, "Who was the first man on earth?"
The first nun says, "That's easy. Adam." Bells are ringing, lights are flashing, people are clapping. Right answer. She gets in.
St. Peter asks the second nun, "Who was the first woman on earth?"
The second nun says, "That's easy. Eve." Bells are ringing, lights are flashing, people are clapping. Right answer.
St. Peter then asks the third nun, "What were the first words Eve spoke to Adam?"
The third nun says, "That's a hard one ... " Bells are ringing, lights are flashing, people are clapping.
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Prison Break
Three women escaped from prison, one was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blond. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn. So, they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest.
When they climbed up, they found three gunnysacks, and decided to put them over their heads for camouflage. About an hour later, the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft.
When he got up there, the sheriff asked him what he saw. The deputy told him, "Just three gunnysacks." The sheriff told him to find out what was in them. So, the deputy kicked the first bag, which had the redhead in it, and she went, "Bow-wow." So the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in the first one.
Then he kicked the one with the brunette in it, and she went, "Meow." The deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in the second one.
Then he kicked the one with the blond in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and the blond said "Potatoes."
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Borrow the Car?
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut, and we'll talk about it."
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study, where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair ."
To which his father replied, "Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!"
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The LA Traffic Jam
A guy is driving along the freeway in Los Angeles, and as he reaches downtown, he finds himself in the middle of a massive traffic jam that is blocking up five different freeways, and sending lines of cars back for miles in all directions. After a while, he notices a guy walking from car to car down the freeway, stopping and talking to people through their car windows.
When the guy reaches him, he rolls down his window and says, "Hey! What's causing all this delay?"
The guy on the freeways says, "Well, you're not going to believe this! O.J. Simpson is sitting down in the middle of the freeway intersection up there, and he's totally distraught. He says there's no way he can ever pay the $35 million he owes the Goldmans and the Browns. So he's threatened to douse himself in gasoline, and light himself on fire if people don't give enough money sufficient to cover the cost of the judgment. So, I've taken up a collection to try to end the traffic jam."
"How much have you gotten so far."
"About ten gallons."
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Great Truths about Life that Children Have Learned
- No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
- When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
- If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
- Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
- You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
- Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
- Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
- Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic Tac.
- Never hold a dust-buster and a cat at the same time.
- School lunches stick to the wall.
- You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
- Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts
- The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.
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Things NOT To Say to the Nice Officer
- I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
- Sorry, I didn't realize that my radar detector wasn't on.
- Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
- Hey! You must have been going 125mph just to keep up with me!
- I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop.
- Bad cop! No donut!
- You're not gonna check the trunk, aren't you?
- I was going to be a cop, really. But I decided to finish high school.
- I pay your salary.
- That's terrific! The last guy only gave me a warning also.
- Is that a 9mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
- What do you mean, have I been drinking?
- You're supposed to be a trained specialist.
- Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
- That gut doesn't inspire too much confidence. Bet I can outrun you.
- Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
- Is it true people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
- I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how I know they are far ahead of me.
- Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap, and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
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Chickens in the News
In an issue of "Meat & Poultry" magazine, editors quoted from "Feather," the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation, telling the following story.
It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight.
The British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, high speed locomotive they are developing. They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine compartment. The British were stunned, and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.
The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly, and had only one recommendation: "USE A THAWED CHICKEN!"
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1990's Sayings
- The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
- For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- All those who believe in psycho-kinesis raise my hand.
- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
- Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
- I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
- I intend to live forever - so far, so good
- Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
- Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
- Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
- Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
- The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
- If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
- 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence? I don't think so.
- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
- Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
- When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
- If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
- Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
- Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- Energizer Bunny arrested -- Charged with battery.
- I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
- I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.
- Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
- How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
- Laughing stock: Cattle with a sense of humor.
- Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
- Black holes are where God divided by zero.
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Dog Examination
A woman goes to the vet. She says, "Doctor, I think there's something wrong with my dog. He hasn't moved all day."
The vet examines the dog and says, "I'm sorry. I'm afraid your dog is dead."
"Dead! How can he be dead? He was just fine yesterday. Are you sure he's dead? Isn't there some other test you can run?"
The vet leaves and returns in a moment with a pet carrying case. He opens the case and a large cat emerges. The cat plods over to the dog and sniffs around its head. It then circles the dog, sniffing and poking around. After a minute or two the cat returns to its cage.
"Well," says the vet, "that pretty much proves it. He's dead."
"I guess you're right," says the woman, now coming to grips with what happened. "At least you did your best. How much do I owe you?"
"$230."
"$230?! For what? All you did was tell me my dog was dead. What did you do that costs $230?"
"Well it's $30 for the office visit," says the vet, "and $200 for the cat scan."
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Mistaken Identity
A woman walks into a bar with a dog under her arm.
"Where did you get the pig?" the bartender asks.
"That's not a pig! It's a dog!" the woman replies.
"I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to the dog."
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Drink and be Gay?
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says "Wow! You must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar, and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay, too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar, and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife ... "
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How to Keep Smokin' in the Rain
Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette, and continued to smoke.
Her friend saw this and said, "Hey, that's a good idea. What is it that you put over your cigarette?"
The other old lady said, "It's a condom."
"A condom? Where do you get those?"
The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms.
The pharmacist said, "Yes," and looked quite surprised that an old woman of this age was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"
The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."
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Gray Hair
A senior citizen decided to visit the social security office to sign up for his benefits. Upon his arrival the clerk asked for proof of his age. When he reached for his wallet the embarrassed man realized he had left it home. After explaining his problem to the clerk, she replied, "Don't worry, just open your shirt, and if your chest hair is gray you will qualify." The senior citizen opened up his shirt and was soon signed up for his benefits.
Upon arriving home, he related the story to his wife. She looked at him, smiled and said, "Too bad you didn't drop your pants. You would have qualified for disability too!"
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The 50th Anniversary
An elderly couple decides to celebrate their fiftieth anniversary by reliving their honeymoon. They get a reservation for the honeymoon suite in the same hotel at the same resort. After waking the next morning to a room service breakfast they begin eating in the nude.
The wife says, "Oh Harold! This is just like fifty years ago! My breasts feel all warm and tingly!"
To which he replies, "Well, they ought to, Gladys. One is a hanging in your oatmeal, and the other is in your coffee!"
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The Best Facelift Money Can Buy
An old lady walks into a plastic surgeon's office and tells him she wants a facelift.
He says, "Well, we have three models. The first is for $1000 and is guaranteed for one year, the second is $3000 and is guaranteed for 3 years, and the last is $5000 and it is guaranteed for 5 years."
The old lady says, "Well, tell me about them."
The doctor says, "For $1000, you are going to get an okay job that's reasonably affordable."
She responds, "Forget that one, what about the next one?"
He explains, "For $3000, we do a much better job and pay close attention to detail, but it's only guaranteed for 3 years."
The lady says, "No, that's no good either, what about the last one?"
The doctor replies, "For $5000, you are going to get the best facelift with a feature that is on the cutting edge of plastic surgery. There will be a screw attached to the back of your head, and if you notice your face sagging, just come back in and we will tighten the screw."
The lady is delighted and has the surgery. About 6 months later she comes back to the office very upset. "Doctor, I want my money back because I look horrible. Look at these bags under my eyes!"
The doctor leans back in his chair, and says, "Lady, you aren't getting anything back. Those bags under your eyes are your boobs; and if you keep messing with that screw, you're going to have a beard."
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A Dizzying Reply
Patient: "Doctor, you've got to help me. Some mornings I wake up and think I'm Donald Duck. Other mornings I think I'm Mickey Mouse."
Doctor: "Hmmmmmmm. And how long have you been having these Disney spells?"
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WARNING! WARNING!
[I got THIS one from a Doctor! -LYAO Editor]
The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia, announced today that the President has proven that you CAN get sex from aides.
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Little Tommy and Catholic Math
Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything that they could think of. Finally, in a last-ditch effort, they took Tommy down, and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello, ask for a snack, or turn on the television. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books and paper are spread out all over the room, and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done, he marches back to his room without a word. In no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day, while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, Little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table, goes up to his room, and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it, and to her surprise, little Tommy got an "A" in Math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room, and says, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head.
"Well then," she asks, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?""
Little Tommy looks at her, and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
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One Up-Woman-ship
Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him, 'Father.'"
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic crone says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called, 'Your Eminence.'"
Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three give her this subtle "Well ... ?" look. So she says, "My son is 6'3," and has broad square shoulders. He's terribly handsome, and dresses very well. He is a firefighter. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, 'Oh, my God. "
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Be Careful What You Ask For
A man with a 25-inch penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him that his penis is too long. "Doctor," he asks in total frustration, "is there any way you can shorten it?"
The doctor replies, "Medically, son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.
The man calls upon the witch, and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25 inches long, and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?"
The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and replies, "I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest. On the pond, you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. First you must ask the frog, 'Will you marry me?' Each time the frog declines your proposal, your penis will be five inches shorter."
The man's face lights up and he dashes off into the forest. He calls out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"
The frog looks at him dejectedly, and replies, "NO."
The man looks down, and suddenly his penis is 5 inches shorter. "WOW, " he screams out loud, "This is great!! But it's still too long at 20 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again."
"Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouts. The frog rolls its eyes back in its head and screams back, "NO!"
The man feels another twitch in his penis, looks down, and it is another 5 inches shorter! The man laughs, "This is fantastic." He looks down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflects for a moment. "Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal." Grinning, he looks across the pond and yells out, "Frog will you marry me?"
The frog looks back across the pond shaking its head, "How many times do I have to tell you? NO! NO! And, for the LAST TIME, NO!!!"
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Beyond Viagra
With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer, the manufacturer, is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society ...
DIRECTRA
A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
PROJECTRA
Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA
Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little accidents."
COMPLIMENTRA
In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA
Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: Whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorites store's return limit.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA
This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
FLATULAGRA
This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.
PRYAGRA
About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-doses turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."
LIAGRA
This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their extra-marital affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.
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The Kiss
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret -- after all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
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The Diet
A blonde is horribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 10 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 30 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?," asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
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Be Careful What You Wish For
A cowboy is out riding one day when he sees a snake. He thinks he can get his horse to stomp and kill the snake, and just as he was prompting the horse to do so, he hears a tiny voice say, "If you don't kill me, I'll grant you one wish."
He looks down at the snake, and asks, "Was that you?"
The snake answers, "Yes. If you don't kill me, I'll grant you one wish."
The cowboy thinks for awhile, and says, "OK, I want to be hung like this horse that I'm riding."
The snake says it will be granted when he is out of sight and in safety. Once the snake is gone, Poof! A puff of smoke, and the cowboy feels a change in his lower region.
He jumps off the horse, takes down his pants, and yells, "OH SH-T! I forgot this horse was a mare!!!"
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New Motivational Quotes from the Office
Quote from a recent meeting:
"We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done."
Quote from the Boss:
"I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."
A motivational sign at work:
"The beatings will continue until morale improves."
A direct quote from the Boss:
"We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."
My Boss said to me:
"What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier."
Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution:
"I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"
Human Resource Manager to job candidate:
"I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry-level positions."
Quote from telephone inquiry:
"We're only hiring one summer intern this year, and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the boss' daughter finishes her summer classes."
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Real Headlines, Real Funny
- Queen Mary having bottom scraped
- Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
- Prostitutes appeal to Pope
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Love, Lust and Marriage
Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-O together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath
Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage: 4 McDonald's Happy Meals . to go
Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping the kids' candy off the carpet
Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: What's sex?
Love: A night out at the symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice
Love: French perfume
Lust: Brut aftershave
Marriage: "The baby needs changing . "
Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm .."
Marriage: Your teenaged daughter has borrowed all of your jackets
Love: Talking and cuddling
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands
Love: Finding the "Fell in Love on AOL" room
Lust: Finding the "Blonde Dominatrix" room
Marriage: Finding the "Married and Looking" room
Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseat
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[CMA STATEMENT:
WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.
THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.
IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.
IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.
AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.]
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Stanley Sperm
Once upon a time, there was a sperm named Stanley who lived with many thousands of other little sperm. But Stanley was different. Every day, he would limber himself up and exercise vigorously, while the other sperms just sat around doing nothing.
One day, a fellow sperm came up to Stanley and asked, "Hey, Stan, why do you keep working out like this?"
To which Stanley replied, "You know Clyde. It only takes one sperm to get a female pregnant, and seeing how there're thousands of us and only one egg, well, when that special day comes, I'm gonna be that sperm!"
Not long afterward, Stan and his friends felt the onrush of excitement as they prepared to be released to perform their great mission in life. And sure enough, at the moment of climax, there was Stanley, fit as a fiddle swimming way ahead of the pack!
Suddenly, Stanley turned around and started swimming back as fast as he could!
As he passed the other fellas, Stanley screamed, "IT'S A BLOWJOB! IT'S A BLOWJOB!!!"
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Little Red Riding Hood II
Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and visit her grandmother in the forest. Her mother said, "You'd better not go out tonight, Little Red Riding Hood, because the Big Bad Wolf's out and you know what he will do. He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and screw your little red socks off."
But Little Red Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said, "Don't worry, I've got it covered."
She was walking through the forest, when she came across the three little pigs' house. One of them ran out of the brick house and said, "You shouldn't be out tonight, Little Red Riding Hood! The Big Bad Wolf's out and you know what he'll do if he catches you. He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and screw your little red socks off."
So she pulled out the shotgun and said, "Don't worry, boys, got it covered."
As she continued through the forest, she came across the Big Bad Wolf and he said, "You shouldn't have come out tonight, Little Red Riding Hood, because you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and screw your little red socks off."
So she lifted up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, laid down on her back with her legs spread far apart, pointed the shotgun at him and said, "No, you're not. You're gonna to EAT ME, like the book says!"
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The Gift
Poor Billy is dating a rich girl, and has no idea what to give her for her birthday as she has everything. He tells his problem to his friend, who suggests that he tattoo her name on his sex organ.
So, he goes to a tattoo parlor, explains what he wants, and tells the man her name is Wendy.
When the job is finished, he looks down and sees, "W Y." He says, "Hey! I said her name was Wendy."
The man says, "Don't worry, shake it." He does, and voila, "Wendy."
He ties a ribbon on it, and presents it to his girl. She is so happy, she invites him on a Caribbean cruise.
While in port at a Jamaican disco, he goes to the bathroom. At the urinal, a tall Jamaican stands next to him, glances down sees the "W Y" and says, "W Y, huh?"
Billy says, "Oh! It's my girlfriend's name, look." He shakes it, and ... "Wendy" appears.
The Jamaican says, "Ah! Good show, mon . 'Wendy' . Very nice."
Billy looks at the Jamaican, and notices his organ also says "W Y."
Billy says, "Hey! Wait a minute. Yours says 'Wendy', too?"
"Ah, no, mon! Mine says, 'Welcome to Jamaica and have a nice day'."
----------
Taste Buds
Some may find this interesting. This actually happened at Harvard University in October, during a recent year.
In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in male semen?"
"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical information.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class ... and never returned.
However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue, and not the back of your throat."
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Another Student/Teacher Confrontation
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.
One smart a-- student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, Mr. White. You can just use your other hand to write."
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Riddle Me This
At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers, the other is getting a blow job from a 90 year old woman.
They are both thinking to themselves the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?
(Scroll down for the answer.).
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V|
V|
V|
V|
VAnswer: Don't look down
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Doing the Laundry
This young couple got married. On their honeymoon they were very anxious to consummate the marriage because they were both virgins. They had saved themselves for the right partner, and for marriage. Because of their sexual inexperience, they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject, so they came up with the term "Doing the laundry" to use in place of "making love" or "having sex." This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept.
Well, the first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They had many years of pent-up sexual frustration to expend, so they "did the laundry" no less than 5 times that first night and finally fell asleep together, completely exhausted. In the middle of the night, the new husband woke up, and was ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife, and asked her, "Can we do the laundry again?"
But she was very tired and all of this new abrasive activity had taken its toll on her body. She told him that she just couldn't do it again just yet, maybe in the morning.
A few hours later the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. Her new husband had saved himself for her for many years. What he had asked for wasn't unreasonable, and she decided she should go ahead and "do the laundry with him, again."
She gently shook him, and said, "Honey, I'm sorry I denied you. We can do the laundry again if you want."
He replied, "That's ok. It was a small load. I did it by hand."
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Chicken Man
[Bestiality Warning]
A man goes into a whorehouse without much money. "Madam," he says, "I only have ten bucks, can you do anything for me?"
"Ten bucks can't get you too much," says the madam. "Go to Room #6."
The man opens the door to room #6, and sees a chicken. "Man!," he thinks, "a chicken!!." Nevertheless, the guy's really horny, so he catches the chicken and has sex with it.
A week later, the man goes back to the whorehouse with even less money than last time. Five bucks. "Madam," he says, "I only have five bucks, can you do anything for me?"
"Five bucks can't get you too much," says the madam. "Go to Room #5."
The man opens the door to room #5, sees a bunch of peepholes in the wall, and a guy looking through one of them. He walks up to a peephole, looks inside, and sees two women getting it on. After watching for a while, he turns to the man next to him and says, "Isn't this great?!"
The man turns to him and says, "This is nothin'. You should have been here last week. Some guy was havin' sex with a chicken!!"
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The Life of an Egg
So you think life is bad? Just think how bad the Life of the egg is ...
- You only get laid once.
- You only get eaten once.
- It takes 4 Minutes to get hard, 2 Minutes to get soft.
- You have to share a box with 11 other guys.
And
- The only chick who ever sat on your face was your mother.
(Now don't you feel better?)
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All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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