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LYAO -
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Road Rage
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road.
As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window, and yells, "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out his window, and replies, "BITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
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Two Arabs and a Jew on a Shuttle to New York
Two Arabs board a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sits in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a chubby, little Israeli guy gets on and takes the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicks off his shoes, wiggles his toes, and is settling in when the Arab in the window seat says, "I think I'll go up and get a Coke."
"No problem," says the Israeli. "I'll get it for you."
While he's gone, the Arab picks up the Israeli's shoe and spits in it. When the Israeli returns with the Coke, the other Arab says, "That looks good. I think I'll have one, too."
Again, the Israeli obligingly goes to fetch it, and while he is gone the other Arab picks up the other shoe, and spits in it.
The Israeli returns with the Coke, and they all sit back, and enjoy the short flight to New York. As the plane is landing, the Israeli slips his feet into his shoes, and knows immediately what has happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asks. "This enmity between our peoples . this hatred ... this animosity ... this spitting in shoes and peeing in Cokes?"
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Little Red Riding Hood
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Red sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf," she says. Again, the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the track Red sees the wolf, again. This time he's crouched down behind a road sign.
"My, what big teeth you have, Mr. Wolf," she taunts.
With that, the Big Bad Wolf jumps up, and screams, "Will you f-ck off? Can't you see I'm trying to take a sh-t?!!"
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Shipwreck
A guy, a pig, and a dog were the survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle -- a perfect night for romance! As they sat there, the pig started looking better and better to the guy. Soon, he leaned over to the pig, and put his arm around it. But, the dog became jealous, growling fiercely until the guy removed his arm from around the pig. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman -- the most beautiful woman the guy had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to good health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze -- perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the guy started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
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The Game
A brunette is standing on some train tracks, jumping from rail to rail, saying "21," "21," "21."
A blonde walks up, sees her, and decides to join her -- She also starts jumping from rail to rail, saying "21," "21," "21."
Suddenly, the brunette hears a train whistle, and she jumps off the tracks just as the blonde is splattered all over the place.
The brunette goes back to jumping from rail to rail, counting, "22," "22," "22."
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More Blonde Jokes
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.
How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.
Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.
Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
Did you hear about the two blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter."
Why won't they hire blondes as pharmacists?
They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.
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Cookies
[I am sending this one as I received it, other than some formatting. I don't know how true it is, but ... --LYAO Editor]
[04/2006 - NOT true - see http://www.snopes.com/business/consumer/cookie.asp for more]
THIS IS TRUE----PLEASE TAKE THE TIME TO READ IT AND PLEASE SEND THIS TO EVERY SINGLE PERSON YOU KNOW WHO HAS AN E-MAIL ADDRESS ... THIS IS REALLY TERRIFIC.
My daughter & I had just finished a salad at Neiman-Marcus Cafe in Dallas & decided to have a small dessert. Because both of us are such cookie lovers, we decided to try the "Neiman-Marcus Cookie."
It was so excellent that I asked if they would give me the recipe and the waitress said with a small frown, "I'm afraid not."
"Well," I said, "would you let me buy the recipe?"
With a cute smile, she said, "Yes."
I asked how much, and she responded, "Only two fifty, it's a great deal!"
I said with approval, "just add it to my tab."
Thirty days later, I received my VISA statement from Neiman-Marcus, and it was $285.00. I looked again and I remembered I had only spent $9.95 for two salads and about $20.00 for a scarf. As I glanced at the bottom of the statement, it said, "Cookie Recipe - $250.00" That's outrageous!!
I called Neiman's Accounting Department, and told them the waitress said it was "two-fifty," which clearly does not mean "two hundred and fifty dollars" by any *POSSIBLE* interpretation of the phrase.
Neiman-Marcus refused to budge. They would not refund my money, because according to them, "What the waitress told you is not our problem. You have already seen the recipe - we absolutely will not refund your money at this point."
I explained to her the criminal statues which govern fraud in Texas, I threatened to refer them to The Better Business Bureau, and the State's Attorney General for engaging in fraud. I was basically told, "Do what you want, we don't give a crap, and we're not refunding your money."
I waited, thinking of how I could get even, or even try and get any of my money back. I just said, "Okay, you folks got my $250, and now I'm going to have $250.00 worth of fun."
I told her that I was going to see to it that every cookie-lover in the United States with an e-mail account has a $250.00 cookie recipe from Neiman-Marcus ... for free. She replied, "I wish you wouldn't do this."
I said, "Well, you should have thought of that before you ripped me off," and slammed down the phone on her.
So here it is!!! Please, please, please pass it on to everyone you can possibly think of. I paid $250 for this ... I don't want Neiman-Marcus to *ever* get another penny off of this recipe.
Ingredients:
- 2 cups butter
- 4 cups flour
- 2 tsp. soda
- 2 cups sugar
- 5 cups blended oatmeal
- 24 oz. chocolate chips
- 2 cups brown sugar
- 1 tsp. salt
- 1 8 oz. Hershey Bar (grated)
- 4 eggs
- 2 tsp. baking powder
- 2 tsp. vanilla
- 3 cups chopped nuts (your choice) **
Instructions:
- Measure oatmeal and blend in a blender to a fine powder.
- Cream the butter and both sugars.
- Add eggs and vanilla; mix together with flour, oatmeal, salt, baking powder and soda.
- Add chocolate chips, Hershey Bar and nuts.
- Roll into balls and place two inches apart on a cookie sheet.
- Bake for 10 minutes at 375 degrees.
Makes 112 cookies. Have fun!!!
This is not a joke --- this is a true story. Ride free citizens!
<email address removed?
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The Disease Every Man Wants
This man and this woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his penis out and wipes the tip off.
The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?
"The man replies, "I apologize for disturbing you, and causing you discomfort madam. It's a medical condition which is very rare. Whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The woman, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"
The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."
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Kiss the Wrong Frog .
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.
The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you, and I will turn back into a prince. Then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom. You can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel happy doing so."
That night the princess dined on frog legs, thinking to herself, "I don't think so…".
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Penance
A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman - almost."
The priest says, "What do you mean, 'almost'?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Marys, and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, goes over, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment, and then starts to leave.
The priest, who is watching him, quickly runs over, and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it, and you said it was the same as putting it in!
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More of Life's Imponderable Questions
- Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
- Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's?"
- Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
- What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
- Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
- Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
- How do I set my laser printer on stun?
- How is it possible to have a civil war?
- If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
- If God dropped acid, would he see people?
- If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
- If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
- If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
- If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
- Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids?"
- Why is it called `tourist season' if we can't shoot at them?
- Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
- If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
- If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
- If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
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No More Golf for Me!
Two friends went out golfing and their tee shots were horrible. One guy hit it way left and the other way right. They decided the shots were so bad that they would just meet up at the hole.
So, the first guy looks and looks for his ball, and finally finds it deep in a field of beautiful Buttercups. He promptly pulls out his 7 iron, and starts whacking away. Buttercups are flying everywhere, but the ball won't come out.
Finally Mother Nature gets mad. She comes up from the ground, and says to the man, "I've created this beautiful field of Buttercups, and you have no respect for them at all. Now they are ruined! I'm going to have to punish you. Since these are Buttercups your punishment is that you cannot have butter for a year."
The man starts to laugh, and returns to whacking at the ball still buried in the field of Buttercups.
Mother Nature, still annoyed, says to the man, "Hey, this is no laughing matter. What do you find so funny?"
The man looks up to Mother Nature, and says, "My buddy is over on the other side in the Pussywillows."
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Darwin Award Contenders
(These are not DARWIN Award Winners, but they are pretty close ... )
[These are not even considered CLOSE for Darwin Award Winners - Those are the ones who've taken themselves (and their genes) out of the gene pool. These are just stupid people. Even so, remember how TRUE those Darwin Award Winner lists were -LE]
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Intelligence Work
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence ...
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With a Little Help from Our Friends!
Police in Oakland, California, spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting to please come out and give himself up.
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And What Was Plan B?
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
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What Are They Teaching Our Children?!!
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia, received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."
And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy. -- not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.
*****
Some Days, It Just Doesn't Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps ...
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system ... "
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And for the Main Course ...
A man in Taormina, Italy, was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.
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The Getaway
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours . until police showed up and grabbed him.
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Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?!
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead. He calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill, and had stuck the wire in to try to find the missing brain.
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Have I Got A Deal for You!
More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 apiece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis, and enjoy the incredible martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals, and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available." Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars.
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Too Well-Educated
In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened ... "
*****
Say What?
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
*****
Ouch, That Smarts!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody ...
*****
Are We Not Communicating?
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
*****
Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
(Hmmm ... I wonder what he uses for a knife)
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[CMA STATEMENT:
WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.
THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.
IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.
IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.
AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.]
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Non-Politically-Correct Jokes
[Like the majority of LYAO jokes are
Politically Correct! --LYAO Editor]
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. If a light-sleeper sleeps with a light on,
what does a hard-sleeper sleep with?
Q. What is the difference between Olympic swimmers and Olympic divers?
A. Mark Spitz and Greg Swallows.
Q. What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
A. Sticks it in Olive Oyl.
Q. What has three teeth and sixty feet?
A. The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.
Q. What is the new O.J. web site address?
A. slash slash backslash escape
Q. What did one frog say to the other frog?
A. They're right! We do taste like chicken!
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat me!
Q. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A. Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken.
Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah?"
A. About three inches.
Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Well-hung
Q. What is the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
A. You can't hear an enzyme.
Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A. Megasorass
Q. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A. Lickalotapuss.
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Wedding Night
A young girl was about to be married, and she was not a virgin. She did not want her fiancé to know this, so she asked her mother, "What should I do? He thinks I'm a virgin and I'm not!"
So her mother gave her this advice, "The night of your wedding, wear a garter, and place it as high as you can on your thigh. When he puts his weenie in, snap the garter, and he will think he has broken you."
Fortified with this advice, the couple is on their honeymoon, and at the proper moment when his weenie goes in, the girl snaps the garter.
Startled, her husband cries, "What was that?"
The girl says, "Oh honey, my cherry just snapped."
And the husband screams out, "Well, snap it again! My balls are caught!"
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Little Johnnie and Santa
The department store Santa has Little Johnnie on his lap and says to him, "I bet I know what you want for Christmas, Little Johnnie. You want some t-o-y-s," he says, touching Johnnie's nose with his finger as he spells out the word "toys."
"No, I've got plenty of toys," replies Johnnie.
"Then I bet you want some g-a-m-e-s!" replies Santa, touching Johnnie's nose with his finger as he spells out the word "games."
"No, I've got all the games I want," came Johnnie's reply.
"Well, Johnnie, you don't want any toys or games for Christmas. What do you want?" asks Santa.
"I want some p-u-s-s-y," Johnnie replied, touching Santa's nose with each letter. "And don't tell me you don't have any, because I can smell it on your finger!"
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The Happy Couple
A couple is getting married. The groom is walking down the aisle of the church to take his place at the altar, and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.
The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up? You look so excited."
The groom replies, "I just had the BEST blow job I have ever had in my entire life."
Now the bride comes walking down the aisle, and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I have just given the LAST blow job of my entire life.
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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