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LYAO -
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Suspicion
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women." she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on Earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," replied Eve.
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Slow Boat to Europe
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, the captain discovered her.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He sure is, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
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Makes Sense
A teacher was working with her kindergarten group, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.
Then one day, the teacher brought in a variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher.
Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons, and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey-flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly, one of the children spit lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're a--holes!"
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The Blonde with the Red Ears
A blonde with two red ears went to the doctor. She explained: "I was ironing a blouse and the phone rang. Instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh, dear!" exclaimed the doctor in horror. "But, what happened to your other ear?"
"They called back," she said.
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To Get the Job Done
A little girl was asked what she wanted most for her birthday, and she declared: "A baby brother."
"Daddy and I would like to give you a baby brother," said her mom, "but there isn't time before your birthday."
"Why don't you do like they do down at Daddy's factory when they want something in a hurry -- put more men on the job."
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Little Klepto
A small boy stunned his parents when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters. Finally his mother said, "Where did you get all that money?"
"At Sunday school," the boy replied. "They have bowls full of it."
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So, What Happened?
Another boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother: "Who's this fellow on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?"
"That's your father."
"Then who's the old bald-headed man who lives with us now?"
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Response To All Those Damn Male Jokes!
[I told you in a previous LYAO there were better responses to Man
Bashing 101 than the pathetic attempt immediately following it. Here they are! -LYAO Editor]
Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?
It fits right over her mouth.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ... "
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't, there's a clock on the oven!
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
Why were shopping carts invented?
To teach women to walk on their hind legs.
Women are like shotguns:
Keep one around long enough and you're going to want to cock it.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, which do you let in first?
The dog of course ... at least he'll shut up after you let him in.
All wives are alike --
But they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do as she's told.
What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
I married Miss Right --
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men.
It only seems longer.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months .
I don't like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!"
The other replies: "GREAT trade!
What do you do when your wife comes out of the kitchen to whine at you?
You make the chain shorter.
Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90% …
Wedding cake.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Why did the woman cross the road?
Who cares! What was she doing out of the kitchen??
Losing a wife can be hard.
In my case, it was almost impossible.
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
Husband: Put your coat on, love, I'm going to the bar.
Wife: Are you taking me out for a drink
Husband: Don't be silly woman, I'm turning the heat off ...
Why do Japanese Sumo Wrestlers shave their legs?
So you can tell them apart from the feminists.
Why do women like intelligent men?
Opposites attract.
Most accidents happen at home.
And the men have to eat them!
Some mornings I wake up grouchy ...
And some mornings I just let her sleep!
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.
Thought for the day:
A woman's place is in the home, and she should go there directly after work.
Quote of the day:
I know everyone says look for a woman with a sense of humor ...
I'll settle for big t-ts.
Suggestion of the day:
Women should speak when spoken to, be seen and not heard, and lie on their backs at the snap of a man's finger.
Word of the day:
Bitches
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More Quotes
A computer and a cat are somewhat alike -- they both purr, and like to be stroked, and spend a lot of the day motionless. They also have secrets they don't necessarily share.
--John Updike
Par is whatever I say it is. I've got one hole that's par 23, and yesterday I damn near birdied the sucker.
--Willie Nelson
I once thought that if I had all the money in the world, I would give some to my friends, but that would be pretty stupid, because then I wouldn't have all the money in the world anymore.
--Sheryl Adsit
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HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION BULLETIN
MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET
NO. EC36C-24-36
"WOMAN" : A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
Element: Woman
Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic mass: Accepted as 53.6 kg, may vary from 40-200kg
Occurrence: Copious quantities in all urban areas
Physical properties:
- Surface usually covered in painted film
- Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason
- Melts if given special treatment
- Bitter if incorrectly used
- Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore
- Yields to pressure applied at correct points
Chemical properties:
- Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones
- Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
- May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason
- Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol
- Most powerful money reducing agent known to man
Common uses:
- Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
- Can be a great aid to relaxation
- Very effective cleaning agent
Tests:
- Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state
- Turns green when placed beside a better specimen
Potential hazards:
- Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
- Illegal to posses more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other
WARNING: PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO THIS ELEMENT CAN CAUSE SEVERE PHYSICAL, MENTAL, AND FINANCIAL DAMAGE
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Help Wanted -- Dog
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer, and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page, trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, which worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog, and have some interesting abilities, however, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down, went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow."
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Use It or Lose It
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:
"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired. I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore. Then, as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?'
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The Auction
This one is DEEP - Think about it
The upstate NY man was rich in almost every way. His estate was worth millions. He owned houses, land, antiques and cattle. But, though on the outside he had it all, he was very unhappy on the inside. His wife was growing old, and the couple was childless. He had always wanted a little boy to carry on the family legacy.
Miraculously, his wife became pregnant in her later years, and she gave birth to a little boy. The boy was severely handicapped, but the man loved him with his whole heart. When the boy was five, his mom died.
The dad drew closer to his special son. At age 13, the boy's birth defects cost him his life, and the father died soon after from a broken heart.
The estate was auctioned before hundreds of bidders. The first item offered was a painting of the boy.
No one bid. They waited like vultures for the riches.
Finally, the poor housemaid, who helped raise the boy, offered $5 for the picture and easily took the bid.
To every-one's shock, the auctioneer ripped a hand-written will from the back of the picture. This is what it said:
"To the person who thinks enough of my son to buy this painting, to this person I give my entire estate."
The auction was over. The greedy crowd walked away in shock and dismay.
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The Confession
Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face.
Her pale lips moved. "Jake," she said.
"Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk."
But she insisted. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must confess."
"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right."
"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you."
Jake stroked her hand. "Now Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it," he sobbed. "Why else would I poison you?"
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Delivery Room
A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby.
As the head came out it was dark and had an Afro. The doctor said, "Ma'am, have you ever slept with a black man?"
She said, "Well, yes, but only once."
"Once is all it takes," he replied. Then the torso came out and it was yellow. "Ma'am, have you ever slept with an Asian man?" the doctor asked.
"Well, yes" she said, "but only once."
"Once is all it takes," he said. When the legs came out they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Indian. She said only once and he replied that that was all it took.
Well, he pulled the kid out, held it upside down and slapped it's bottom to make it cry.
"Oh, thank God!" she exclaimed. "At least it doesn't bark!"
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Things That Irritate A Sane Person
- You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.
- The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.
- The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
- There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.
- You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
- It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug.
- The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.
- There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
- You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
- Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
- You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.
- You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
- Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.
- A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio, but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.
- There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.
- You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket, and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
- The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.
- A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.
- You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.
- The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that.
- You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
- People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.
- Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
- You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary, because you don't know how to spell it.
- You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.
- You had that pen in your hand only a second ago-a second ago-and now you can't find it.
- You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and bump your head on the way up.
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The Way the World Ends
When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?
USA Today:
WE'RE DEAD
The Wall Street Journal:
DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
National Enquirer:
O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
Playboy:
GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft Systems Journal:
APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
Victoria's Secret Catalog:
OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated:
GAME OVER
Wired:
THE LAST NEW THING
Rolling Stone:
THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
Readers Digest:
'BYE
Discover Magazine:
HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
TV Guide:
DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
Lady's Home Journal:
LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!
America Online:
SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
Inc. Magazine:
TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft's Web Site:
IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.
Sun:
ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE!
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[CMA STATEMENT:
WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.
THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.
IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.
IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.
AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.]
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Redneck Vasectomy
After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that that was enough. They could not afford a larger doublewide. So, the husband went to his doctor, who also treated mules, and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (small fireworks), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
So, the couple drove to get a second opinion. The second doctor was just about to tell them about the medical procedure for a vasectomy, when he realized how truly backwards these people were. This doctor instead told the man to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . ," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
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What is it?
Nuns who live high on a hill outside of a small town adopt a young boy. On the boys' 18th birthday, he is allowed to visit the town.
As he enters the town, a girl on the sidewalk says to him, "Head, 5 dollars."
Bewildered, the boy silently walks on, seeing the town. As he is preparing to go back up the hill, another female townsperson yells at him, "Head, 5 dollars."
Not being able to figure this out as he returns to the convent, when he makes it back, he asks the first nun he sees, "Sister, what's head?"
She replies, "5 dollars, same as in town."
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Sweet Rewards
In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when the minister approached him. The minister asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom, and the Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on, but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance. So when she's done just give her 10 Hail Marys, and I'll be right back."
Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession. "Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable. I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."
Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely 10 Hail Mary's would not do. So, in a moment of desperation the janitor peeked his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the minister give for oral sex?"
In reply the altar boy said, "Two Snicker bars and a Coke."
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Sex In The Dark
Jane was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp--only to discover a cucumber in his hand.
"Is THIS what you've been using on me for the past 10 years!!""
"Honey, let me explain. I'm impotent."
"Why, you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "How can you be impotent?"
"Speaking of sneaky!" he interrupted. "Maybe you'd care to explain our 2 kids!!!"
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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