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LYAO -
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Viagra Shipment Hijacked
London, 19th May: Following the approval of Viagra by the UK's health authorities, the first shipment arrived yesterday at Heathrow airport, but was hijacked on the way to the depot.
Scotland Yard has warned the public to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.
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Virus Alerts
[Many of these are repeats, but they are so good,
they deserved an encore presentation -LYAO Editor]
Should you receive a document or program with any of the following viruses, you must immediately open the window and throw your computer out. I repeat, do not ever again use your computer should it be infected with ANY of these horrible viruses.
Freudian Virus
Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.
Lorena Bobbit Virus
Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
Tonya Harding Virus
Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.
Paul Revere Virus
Warns of an impending virus infection:
1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\
Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus
Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg.
Ollie North Virus
Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files.
Joey Buttafuaco Virus
Only attacks minor files.
Ronald Reagan Virus
Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored.
Jane Fonda Virus
Attacks your hard drive's FAT.
Oprah Winfrey Virus
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB, shrinks to 80MB again for some time, then starts growing again .
AT&T Virus
Every three minutes, it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI Virus
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Politically Correct Virus
Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
Ross Perot Virus
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
Government Economist Virus
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
Federal Bureaucrat Virus
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
Adam and Eve Virus
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.
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Good, Bad, Worse
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad : You Can't find your birth control pills
Worse: Your daughter borrowed them.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Worse: You're in them.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.
Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Worse: So are you.
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your teenage daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Worse: With corrections.
Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.
Good: Your wife says you can go golfing all you want.
Bad: Because she's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman
Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Worse: You gave him nothing for Christmas last year.
Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually
Worse: The teacher is a man
Good: You came home for a quickie
Bad: The postman had the same idea
Worse: There are 5 guys in line.
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What's the Difference?
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes
What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? $3.99 a minute.
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Dominating People
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."
Said and done. The next time God looks, the women are gone, and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women is 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there is only one man.
God gets mad and says, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?
And the man replies, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."
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The Hole
Two guys are walking through the woods, and come across this big deep hole.
"Wow! That looks deep."
"Sure does. Toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait. No noise. "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep. Here. Throw one of these great big rocks down there. That should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rock, and toss them into the hole and wait . and wait. Nothing. They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face, and says, "Hey! Over there in the weeds . There's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen ... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey! You two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah," says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
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Blonde Gangsters
Some blonde gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning.
Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside. The head blond gangster says, "Okay, well, at least we can eat it."
So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too. Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes, just pudding.
Disappointed, the head gangster said, "Well, at least they left something for us to eat."
The next day, while listening to the news, they hear, "Yesterday the largest sperm bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people."
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If Men And Women Swapped Genitals!!
The Top Ten Things Men Would Do If They Woke Up and Had a Vagina for a Day:
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they can finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina.
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
***
Top Ten Things Women Would Do If They Woke Up and Had a Penis for a Day:
10. Get a better job for more money.
9. Get a blow-job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about jerking off.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY the bowl can't be hit consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a powerful orgasm.
4. Touch/shift herself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction that occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his penis, which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
And, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis ...
1. Repeat number 9.
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Drugs and the Law
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope, and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend, and try to show others the evils of drug use, and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this." (draws two circles)
"Then, I told them, 'this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs, and this, (small circle) is your brain after drugs.'"
"That's admirable," said the judge.
"And you, how did you do?" he asked the 2nd boy.
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) .
"I said (pointing to the small circle), 'This is you're a--hole before prison ... '"
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Managing Stress
Picture yourself near a stream. A water crackling, soft waving brook.
Birds are singing and softly chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that place called the world.
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is clear enough that you can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.
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A Shaggy Dog Story
A young boy goes off to college, and about a third the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. "Hmmmm," he wonders. "How am I gonna get more dough?" Then he gets an idea.
He calls his father. "Dad," he says. "You won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says "I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog, and the $1000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money runs out, again. So the boy calls his father again. "So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says. "But you just won't believe this -- now they have a program here that will teach Fido to READ!"
"READ!"" says his father. "That's amazing! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." So his father sends the money.
At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, and reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then, he turned to me and asked 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead that lives down on Oak Street?' "
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that lyin' bastard!"
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New Book Titles from Amazing.Com
- "50 Yards To The Outhouse," by Willie Makit
- "Sliding Down A Banister," by Dick Burns
- "Green Spots On The Wall," by Picken and Flicken
- "I Was Prepared," by Justin Case
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Quote of the Day
If you're gonna look back one day and laugh, it's probably funny now.
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Dial-A-Shrink
If you are obsessive/compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic/depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
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CIA Assassin Applicants
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.
After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to three persons: two men and one woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which one would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"
"Well," says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job, then."
So, they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man, "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, but I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No," the CIA man replied. "You just don't have what it takes to be an assassin for the CIA. Take your wife and go home."
Now, they turn to the woman for her test. They lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door.
Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA man heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
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[CMA STATEMENT:
WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.
THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.
IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.
IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.
AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.]
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Painting
At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting of three VERY naked, VERY black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a VERY PINK penis.
While the couple was scratching their heads, trying to figure this out, the artist walked by and noticed the couple's confusion. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.
"Well, yes" said the gentleman. "We were curious about this picture of the black men on the bench. Why is it that the man in the middle has a pink penis?"
"Oh" said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misinterpreted the painting. The three men are not Africans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch!"
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Chinese Detective
[STEREOTYPE WARNING]
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man so he hired a famous Chinese detective to watch any activities while he was gone. A few days later he received this report:
Most honorable sir:
You leave house. I watch house.
He come to house. I watch.
He and she leave house. I follow.
He and she get on train. I follow.
He and she go in hotel. I climb tree look in window.
He kiss she. She kiss he.
He strip she. She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with ME.
Fall out of tree,
Not see.
No fee.
Mr. Lee
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Sports Fans
[SEMI-GROTIE WARNING (but funny!)]
A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He's lying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart. His wife wakes up and asks, "What the hell was that?"
He replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing."
She thinks to herself, "I'm gonna fix him," then she lets one loose.
He yells at her, "What was that?"
She replies "Touchdown, tie score."
Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's lying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he draws mud and takes a dump in bed.
The wife asks, "Now what the hell was that?"
He replies, "Half time, switch sides."
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Apples
A guy's driving down a country road when he comes upon a sign saying, "Apples - $5.00 each."
He thinks that that is a lot of money, so he decides to go see what's up. He goes up to the farmer and asks, "Hey, how come these apples are 5 bucks each?"
The farmer replies, "They are peanut butter and jelly apples." The farmer hands him one and says, "Here, try one."
So the man takes a bite out of the apple and says, "Peanut butter - that's great! But I thought you said that they were peanut butter AND JELLY apples." The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man bites the other side and exclaims "Son-of-a-gun - jelly!" The man says, "These apples are great - give me some."
He gets back in his car, drives a little further down the road, and sees another sign, "Apples - $10 each."
Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and says, "Hey, what's up with these apples?"
The farmer says, "They're ham and cheese apples. Here, try one." The guy takes a bite and exclaims, "Son-of-a-gun - ham!" The guy then says, "Let me guess - I have to turn it around."
The farmer says, "You got it."
The guy bites the other side and says, "Cheese." Again the man says, "These apples are great - give me some."
Then he gets back in his car, and drives down the road. He comes upon a third sign that says, "Apples - $50 each."
The guy really wants to see what's up with these apples. Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer and says, "What's the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each?"
The farmer tells him, "These apples are p-ssy apples. Here, try one. The guy takes a bite out of it and says, "Yuck! This apple tastes like sh-t."
The farmer says, "Turn it around!"
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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