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LYAO -
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Walking
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
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All In The Timing
One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.
Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $120,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas."
Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time."
About two days later, the father saw the boy walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father asked him why he was leaving.
The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and Mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with a $120,000 mortgage!"
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Blondes On Ice
Q. What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
A. They all drowned during Spring training.
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Quote of the Day
I'll try anything twice (because I usually screw it up the first time).
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Open Season on Nerds
A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED--ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and Nerd Hunting is in season now. "You don't even need a license," he said.
So, the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.
He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. He sees they are all nerds: engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load!
Remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."
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Remote Control:
As one parent said:
"I don't need a remote control on my television. With four kids in the house, my chances of controlling it are already remote."
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Good News, Bad News - It's All in How You Look at It
Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton, and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God.
During dinner, God told them, "I invited you to dinner, because I needed three important people to send my message out to all people -- Tomorrow I will destroy the Earth!"
Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them, "I have two really bad announcements to make. First, God really does exist, and second, tomorrow He will destroy the Earth."
Clinton called an emergency session of Congress and told them, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that God does exist, and the bad news is that he will destroy the Earth tomorrow."
Bill Gates went back to Microsoft headquarters and told his people, "I have two fantastic announcements! First, I am one of the three most important people on Earth, and second, the Year 2000 problem has been solved!"
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The Last Dance
The other day, my friends and I went to this "Gentleman's Club."
One of my buddies wanted to impress us, so he pulls out a $10 bill. The dancer came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and stuck it on her a--.
Not to be outdone, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. He calls the girl back over, licks the $50 and sticks it on her other cheek.
Now the attention was focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute ...
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and left.
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Why Nagging a Man Doesn't Work
Woman:
"This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!"
What a man hears:
"blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON, YOU AND I blah, blah, blah blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES, blah blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!"
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On the Road
Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver says, "Why'd you do that?
The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."
Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.
The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."
The passenger says, "Huh?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that guy would've tried that crap with me!'"
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FLOWERS AND FRECKLE CREAM
by Elizabeth Ellis
[INSPIRATIONAL STORY ALERT]
When I was a kid about 12 years old, I was already as tall as I am now, and I had a lot of freckles. I had reached the age when I had begun to really look at myself in the mirror and I was underwhelmed. Apparently my mother was too, because sometimes she'd look at me and shake her head and say, "You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear."
I had a cousin whose name was Janette Elizabeth, and Janette Elizabeth looked exactly like her name sounds. She had a waist so small that men could put their hands around it ... and they did. She had waist-length naturally curly blonde hair too, but to me her unforgivable sin was that she had a flawless peaches-and-cream complexion. I couldn't help comparing myself with her and thinking that my life would be a lot different if I had beautiful skin too -- skin that was all one color.
And then, in the back pages of Janette Elizabeth's True Confessions magazine, I found the answer: an advertisement for freckle-remover cream. I knew that I could afford it if I saved my money, and I did. The ad assured me that the product would arrive in a "plain brown wrapper." Plain brown freckle color.
For three weeks I went to the mailbox every day precisely at the time the mail was delivered. I knew that if someone else in my family got the mail, I would never hear the end of it. There was no way that they would let me open the box in private. Finally, after three weeks of scheduling my entire day around the mail truck's arrival, my package came.
I went to my room with it, sat on the edge of my bed, and opened it. I was sure that I was looking at a miracle. But I had gotten so worked up about the magical package that I couldn't bring myself to put the cream on. What if it didn't work? What would I do then?
I fell asleep that night without even trying the stuff. And when I got up the next morning and looked at my freckles in the mirror, I said, "Elizabeth, this is silly. You have to do it now!" I smeared the cream all over my body. There wasn't as much of it as I had thought there would be, and I could see that I was going to need a part-time job to keep me in freckle remover.
Later that day I went with my brother and cousins to the cornfields to help bring in the crop, as we did nearly every day in the summer. Of course, when you stay out all day, you're not working in the shade. And there was something important I hadn't realized about freckle remover: If you wear it in the sun, it seems to have a reverse effect. Instead of developing a peaches-and-cream complexion, you just get more and darker freckles.
By the end of the day I looked as though I had leopard blood in my veins, although I didn't realize it yet. When I came back to the house, my family, knowing nothing about the freckle-remover cream, began to say things like, "I've never seen you with that many freckles before." When I saw myself in the mirror, I dissolved into tears and hid in the bathroom. My mother called me to the dinner table, but I ignored her. When she came to the bathroom door and demanded that I come out and eat, I burst out the door and ran by her, crying. I ran out to the well house and threw myself down, and I was still sobbing when my grandfather came out to see what was wrong with me. I told him about how I'd sent for the freckle remover, and he didn't laugh -- though he did suggest that one might get equally good results from burying a dead black cat when the moon was full.
It was clear that Grandpa didn't understand, so I tried to explain why I didn't want to have freckles and why I felt so inadequate when I compared my appearance with Janette Elizabeth's. He looked at me in stunned surprise, shook his head, and said, "But child, there are all kinds of flowers, and they are all beautiful." I screamed, "I've never seen a flower with freckles!" and ran back to my room, slamming the door.
When my mother came and knocked, I told her to go away. She started to say the kinds of things that parents say at times like that, but my grandfather said, "Nancy, leave the child alone, she will be just fine."
I don't know where Grandpa found it. It isn't at all common in the mountains where we lived then. But I know he put it in my room. I had cried myself to sleep that night, and when I opened my tired groggy eyes the next morning, the first thing I saw, lying on the pillow next to my head was the most beautiful flower which was in fact polka dotted with freckles. I later learned it was called a tiger lily.
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[CMA STATEMENT:
WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.
THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.
IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.
IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.
AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.]
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Nonsense (Nun Sex)
A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a nun in the front seat.
The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop.
When the bus starts on it's way again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how to get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie, of course, says he'd love to know. So the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight, the nun goes to the cemetery to pray. "If you went dressed in a robe and some glowing powder, you could tell her you were an Angel and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. So, that Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right around midnight the nun shows up.
While she's praying, the hippie walks out in his robe with a powdered glow on his face. "I am your Guardian Angel, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, but you must have sex with me first."
The nun agrees, but asks for anal sex instead, so she might always keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off the mask and shouts out, "Ha ha ha! I'm the hippie!!"
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha ha! I'm the bus driver!!!"
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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