![Welcome to LYAO-Online [Banner]](images/edged-lyao-banner.gif)
LYAO -
----------
[In case you're wondering why this was such a quick download, I have had a couple of complaints that LYAO is too big. I had already cut it down from 18-20 pages to 10-12. So, I thought I'd try a smaller version. I will be sending LYAO out in 5-6 page groupings from now on. Please note that the page-count of these groupings will NOT include my notes and disclaimers. If you prefer the larger format (10-12 pages at a time), send me an e-mail. If I receive enough of them, I will include the comments (anonymously, of course) in a future LYAO, and go back to the larger format. --LYAO Editor]
----------
Actual Headlines[?[
- Cockroach Slain, Husband Badly Hurt
- Wisconsin Bill Would Permit Blind to Hunt Deer
- Crime: Sheriff Asks for 13.7% Increase
- Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice
- Autos Killing 110 a Day - Let's Resolve to Do Better
- Furniture Drive for Homeless Launched
- Boys Cause as Many Pregnancies as Girls
- Slow Driver Arrested after 4-County Chase
- Oprah, Madonna Talk Marriage
- Man Admits Killing Violated Probation
- Defendant's Speech Ends in Long Sentence
- Drought Turns Coyotes to Watermelons
- Mayor Says D.C. Is Safe Except for Murders
- Storm Delayed by Bad Weather
- Ski Areas Closed Due to Snow
- Helicopter Powered by Human Flies
- Man Is Fatally Slain
- No Cause of Death Determined for Beheading Victim
----------
A New Life
There was a woman whose husband died. He was a mean old cuss, but she had stood by his side for all his life. She had met a few men since his death, but no one special.
So, she decides to put an ad in the paper. In the ad she expresses that she wants someone who won't beat her, won't be mean to her, won't run away when times got rough, and is good in bed.
She has many calls, but finds something lacking in each of her new suitors. Months pass, and she continues to let the ad run. After a while, no more responses come .
Then, one day, there is a ringing at the door. She opens it and sees a man in a wheelchair. He has no hands, no legs, and he is just smiling. She asks if there is anything she might possibly do for him. He ensures her that he is just fine, and that it is he is here to help her.
"Help me?" she asks.
"Yes, I am here in response to your ad. You said you wanted a man who wouldn't beat you. Well, I can't beat you for I have no hands. You said you wanted a man that wouldn't be mean to you. Well, I won't -- it is just not in my nature. And honey, I have no legs, so I can't run away whether times are good or bad.
So she looks at him and says, "That's true, but what makes you think you would be good in bed?
"Well, how do you think I rang the doorbell?"
After a few moment's thought, she invites him in, and has a ramp built onto her house.
----------
Legalese
[CIDU]
Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:
- "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
- "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
- "Were you present when your picture was taken?
- "Were you alone or by yourself?"
- "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
- "Did he kill you?"
- "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collisions?"
- "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
- "How many times have you committed suicide?"
- Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
- Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
- Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
- Q: "Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
- Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
- Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
- Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
- Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
- Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
- Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "They autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?'
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
- Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
- Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
- Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
----------
Top Ten Ways Bill Gates Would Change Major Industries
So Bill is getting into banking. Big surprise. We already know he wants to take over every industry there is. In fact, here are his ten secret plans for major industries soon to be run by the world's richest man:
10. Banking: Dollar "Bills" take on a new meaning
9. Health care: The flu isn't a bug ... it's a feature!
8. Automotive: Bill's model line consists of Freeway Explorer, Alley Explorer, and Parking Lot Explorer
7. Legal: Janet Reno can't find a job
6. Construction: Lots and lots of Windows!
5. Food: Supermarkets carry only Cherry Coke and Cheeze Whiz
4. Movies: Leading man George Clooney out; Rick Moranis in
3. Shipping: If it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight ... too bad!
2. Military: Steve Ballmer used in place of thermonuclear weapons
1. Journalism: No more top ten lists!
----------
A Rose by Any Other Name
A guy walks into a bar, and, two steps in, realizes it's a gay bar. But, he thinks to himself, "What the heck, I really want a drink."
When the bartender approaches, he asks the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"
The man says, "Look, I'm not into any of that, all I want is a drink."
The gay bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis."
So, the customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey, bud, what's the name of your penis?"
The man looks back at him with a smile and says, "Timex."
The new customer ponders for a minute, and finally asks, "Why Timex?"
"Takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'," he proudly replies.
A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who's sipping a fruity margarita. "So, what do you call your penis?"
The man to his right turns to him, and proudly exclaims, "Ford . have you driven a Ford lately?"
Even more shaken, the new customer thinks for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'Secret'! Now give me my beer."
The bartender begins to draw the beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"
The new guy says: "Strong enough for a man but made for a woman!!"
----------
"Oh, My Goodness-gasms"
Situations you may find yourself in, and the "gasms" you may encounter
- Sex in a boat - oar-gasms.
- Sex with a nerd - dork-gasms.
- Sex at the entrance to your house - door-gasms.
- Sex on carpet or linoleum - floor-gasms.
- Sex at the supermarket - store-gasms.
- Sex at a Steven King Movie - horror-gasms.
- Sex with a prostitute - whore-gasms.
- Sex with an accountant - bore-gasms.
- Sex while sleeping - snore-gasms.
- Sex with 'Arthur' - Dudley Moore-gasms.
- Sex with cartoon donkeys - Eyeore-gasms.
- Sex while broke - poor-gasms.
- Sex with a lion - roar-gasms.
- Sex for hours and hours on end - sore-gasms.
- Sex on a golf course - fore-gasms.
- Sex with a nymphomaniac - more-gasms.
- Sex in a gold mine - ore-gasms.
- Sex with a dermatologist - pore-gasms.
- Sex with a politician - Al Gore-gasms.
- Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers - s'more-gasms.
- Sex with a bullfighter - toreador-gasms.
- Sex with a masked man carrying a sword - zorro-gasms.
- Sex on the beach - shore-gasms.
- Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet - smorgasbord-gasms.
- Sex on a cruise ship deck - shuffleboard-gasms.
- Sex in Asia - Singapore-gasms.
- Sex among the wonders of nature - outdoor-gasms.
- Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can - odor-gasms.
- Sex on the way to the train - 'All Aboard'-gasms.
- Sex that wasn't very satisfying - 'There's the door'-gasms.
- Sex in an adult theater - hard-core-gasms.
- Sex with someone who's not paying attention - ignore-gasms.
- Sex with a competitive partner - score-gasms.
- Sex while flying - soar-gasms.
- Sex with a beloved partner - adore-gasms.
- Sex with a meat-eater - carnivore-gasms.
- Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo - pompadour-gasms.
- Sex with someone who's got bad taste in clothes - velour-gasms.
- Sex while travelling - tour-gasms.
- Sex with a big dog - Labrador-gasms.
- Sex with Beavis and Butthead - 'GonnaScore'-gasms.
- Sex on stairs at the mall - escalator-gasms.
- Sex with three of your friends - four-gasms.
- Sex with a Norse God - Thor-gasms.
- Sex when resistance is futile - Borg-gasms.
----------
Look Who's Talking
A miraculous baby is born, so advanced he can talk.
The newborn looks around the delivery room, sees the doctor and asks, "Are you my doctor?"
The stunned doctor replies, "Yes, I am."
The baby smiles and says, "Thank you, sir, for taking such good care of me during birth." Everyone is amazed at his wisdom and clarity of his speech.
The baby then looks over at his Mother and asks, "Are you my mother?"
With tears of joy in her eyes, his mother replies, "Yes, dear, I am."
The baby smiles and softly says, "Thank you, mother, for taking such good care of me before I was born."
Then, the little baby looks up, gazes at his father, and asks, "Are you my father?"
His father proudly replies, "Yes, son, I am."
The baby motions his father to come closer. His father leans in closer, and the baby takes his little fist and slams his Father in the head several times, then spits in his face. "I just want you to know how that feels, Pop."
----------
Anniversary Gift
A guy is talking to his lawyer one day about his upcoming anniversary. He just doesn't have any idea what to give his wife.
"How 'bout a divorce?" the lawyer suggests.
"No, I don't want to spend that much," the man replies.
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
-----
If you are not on my LYAO Mailing List (and those who are know who you are),
you have probably received this LYAO
as a forward from one of your friends who ARE on my mailing list,
or from a friend who sent an archived LYAO from the LYAO-Online website.
Don't Blame ME! ;-)
If you are not on the mailing list and wish to be included, or are on it and wish to be removed,
send an email to
and your wish will be granted immediately.
NOTE: The LYAO Mailing List is mine and mine alone. No one else has access to it, and no one will.
It will never be sold to anyone. (ie: Anything promoted on LYAO
will have to "go through me".)
