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LYAO -
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Quote of the Day
God is a comedian playing to an audience that is afraid to laugh.
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If The Shoe Fits …
A man and a woman decide to travel to a deserted mountain road to make love. They park the car on a sloping shoulder off the road, take off all of their clothes, hop into the back seat, and start to rock the car. They forget to set the emergency brake, and the car rolls off the slope, over a small overhang, and crashes. The woman is thrown clear, but the man is pinned inside the car.
The man says. "You're going to have to go get some help, I'm stuck."
She replies, "Go get some help? I'm completely naked, you idiot!"
The man grumbles, gropes around the car as best he can, and pulls out one of his shoes. "Here," he says. "Put this where it will do you the most good, and go get some help, for crying out loud."
The woman wedges the shoe between her legs, and waddles down the road. Soon, she reaches a little shack. She knocks on the door, and an old grizzled gentleman answers.
"You've got to help my boyfriend," blurts the nearly-naked woman. "He's stuck."
The old gentleman eyes the woman up and down and replies, "Honey, if he's in that far, I can't help him."
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US Navy vs Canada
[URBAN LEGEND ALERT - see
http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthse.htm,
There are rumors that this story is over 2000 years old. But, it makes a good joke.
-LYAO Editor]
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No, I say again, you must divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
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Free Oranges
A girl is a prostitute, but doesn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raid a whole group of prostitutes and the girl is among them. The police have all the prostitutes lined up when the girl's grandma comes by and sees her granddaughter.
Grandma asks, "What are you lining up for?"
Not willing to let her know the truth, the girl tells her grandmother that some people are passing out free oranges and she's lining up for some.
Grandma wants oranges too, so she goes to the back of the line. A policeman is going down the line asking for information from the prostitutes. When he gets to grandma, he is bewildered and asks, "You are so old, how do you do it?"
Grandma replies, "Oh, it's easy. I just take my dentures out and suck them dry."
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Sausage King
Two drunks are extremely thirsty one Saturday night and decide to go to the store to get some cheap booze.
In the store, the first drunk says, "All right. I have 87 cents. How much do you have?"
His friend replies, "I have a dollar. What can we get for $1.87?"
The first drunk spots a big Italian sausage on the rack for only $1.80 and has a great idea. "Hey, here's what we can do," he says. "We'll buy that sausage, there, and put it in my pants. We'll go into a bar and order drinks. After the drinks are gone, I'll pull out the sausage, and you start sucking on it. They'll kick us out of the bar and we won't have to pay!"
The second drunk agrees and they head off to the bar. They walk in, order two beers, and drink them down. When the beer is gone, the first drunk whips out the sausage, and the second starts sucking on it.
"What the hell are you doing? Get out of my bar!" says the bartender, and the two run out laughing.
"That was great, and it didn't cost us a cent," says the second drunk. "Let's do it again!"
So, off they run to another bar for a repeat performance. Again very successful. This continues through the night.
At the end of the night, after about the 20th bar, the second drunk says, "Man what a great night. But, all this drinking is making me hungry. Hey, pull out that sausage and let's eat it."
"Oh, yeah. I meant to tell you," says the first drunk, "When we ran out of the first bar earlier today, the sausage must have fallen out of my pants."
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Simple Division
A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:
Dear Wife:
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18-year-old secretary.
When he arrives at the hotel there is a letter waiting for him that reads:
Dear Husband:
I too am 54, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18-year-old boy toy. You being an accountant will, therefore, appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.
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Pirate Applicant
These guys are interviewing prospective pirates to work on their ship, when up the gangplank walks a real swashbuckler, wearing traditional pirate garb. To top it off he has a wooden leg, a hook where his right hand used to be, and a patch over his right eye.
The interviewer asks the pirate, "If you don't mind my asking, how did you end up with the wooden leg?"
"It was chewed off by a viscous shark when I fell off my boat."
"And how did you lose the hand?" asks the interviewer.
"It was bitten off by the great killer whale I was hunting near the sea of Japan."
The interviewer then asks, "Well how did you lose your eye?"
"I was sailing the Barbary Coast when I looked up and a sea gull sh-t into my eye."
"And the seagull sh-t made you go blind?" asks the astonished interviewer.
"No," said the pirate applicant. "It was my first day with the hook."
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Gotcha!
Once the club duffer challenges the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," says the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'."
The golf pro doesn't know what a 'gotcha' is, but goes along with it.
And off they go.
Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members are amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.
"What happened?" asks one of the members.
"Well," says the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"
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Only 24 Hours
A man goes to the doctor who tells him he has only 24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife and, after they both have a long cry over it, he asks her if she'll have sex with him because he only has 24 hours to live.
"Of course, Darling." she replies.
And so they have sex. Four hours later they are lying in bed when he turns to her again, and says, "you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?" Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex.
Another 8 hours pass, and she has fallen asleep from exhaustion. He taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, "You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?" By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees.
After they finish she goes back to sleep. Four hours later, he taps her on the shoulder again and says, "Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?"
Well, she turns to him with a grimace on her face and says, "You know, you don't have to get up in the morning. I do!"
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Super Models
[STEREOTYPE WARNING]
Three supermodels, Elle McPherson, Helena Christensen, and Naomi Campbell are on their first plane flight together. In the middle of the flight, the pilot warns them of severe storms and worse weather conditions. The girls are all anxious and think their plane may crash. They all rush to put their seat belts on.
Elle is busy unbuttoning her blouse and showing her cleavage. Helena and Naomi look at her surprised, and ask her what she is doing.
Elle says , "Well, if the plane crashes, when the rescuers come, they will notice my lovely breasts and rescue me first."
Helena then gets out her compact, starts putting on her make up and brushing her hair. Elle and Naomi ask her what she's doing, saying that it's a waste of time, especially if they are going to crash.
Helena says, "Well, when the plane crashes, and the rescuers arrive, they will notice I am the most beautiful girl, and they will rescue me first."
To Elle's and Helena's shock and horror, Naomi undoes her seat belt, pulls her pants down, and slips her panties off. The girls ask Naomi what she is doing.
She says: " God, you guys are dumb. Everyone knows the first thing the rescuers look for after a plane crash is the Black Box!"
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[CMA STATEMENT:
WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.
THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.
IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.
IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.
AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.]
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So ... What's Your Sign?
[Pickup Lines I Hope No One Has Ever Really Used or Fallen For
-LYAO Editor]
- I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
- Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call your mother and thank her.
- You're so hot you melt the band in my underwear lining.
- Would you be my love buffet, so I can lay you out on the table and take all I can eat?
- Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
- The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
- That outfit would look great on my bedroom floor.
- My name's [your name], so you'll know what to scream.
- My name's [your name], but you can call me Zeus.
- Nice shoes. Wanna f-ck?
- Can I flirt with you?
- All those curves, and me with no brakes.
- If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
- F-ck me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?
- I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.
- [Grabbing his or her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken?
- Is it hot in here or is it just you?
- How about you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
- Do you know what would look good on you? Me.
- So ... How am I doin'?
- I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
- Excuse me, is that semen in your hair?
- My face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it.
- Nice a--. May I wear it as a hat?
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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