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LYAO -
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Told to Travel Agents [?]
The following are actual stories told by travel agents (and you wonder why US citizens generally score lower than the rest of the world on geography) ...
I had someone who wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart Inn in Connecticut. When I explained that the inn was fictional, the customer became very irate and insisted "I know it is real, I see them check in every week!"
Also, I really did have someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
*****
A client called inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
*****
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.
Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."
Her response ... click.
*****
A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find. I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not even embarrassed.
*****
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
*****
I got a call from a man who asked, "is it possible to see England from Canada?"
I said, "No."
He said, "But they look so close on the map."
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
*****
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
*****
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?"
I said, "No, why do you ask?"
She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?"
After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
*****
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?"
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these damn planes have numbers on them."
*****
A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes."
I asked if she meant to fly Pensacola on a commuter plane.
She said, "Yeah, whatever."
*****
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China 4 times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
*****
A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York"
The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer.
After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."
The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"
The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"
"That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
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The Hitchhiker
Two homosexuals are driving their pick-up truck down the road and see a young gentleman who appeas to be hitchhiking. They pulled off and ask the fellow if he would like a ride. The very good-looking young man agrees, gets into the truck, and off they go.
Driving along, the driver raises up his leg to pass gas ... "PFFFFFFFFFFT" comes the ever-familiar sound. Nothing is said.
A few minutes later, the passenger raises up his leg, and he too passes gas ... "RRRRRRFFFFFFFFFF."
Well, naturally, the hitchhiker knows he does not fit in, so he raises his leg and lets one rip, too . "pft"
The homosexuals look at each other, their eyes as big as quarters. One says to the other, "Oh sh-t, he's a f-cking VIRGIN!!!!"
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Monkey Business
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it, the monkey runs around all over the place. It grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. It then grabs some sliced limes and eats them as well. Then he jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off of my pool table, whole!," says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, " replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Don't worry, I'll pay for the ball." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he is in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink, and the monkey runs around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Now what?," responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out and ate it!," says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball, he measures everything first!!!"
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Welcome to the Family
A mother is walking down the hall of her house when she hears a humming sound coming from her grown daughter's bedroom. When she opens the door she finds her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
"What are you doing?" she exclaims.
The daughter replies, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week, the father is in the kitchen, and hears a humming sound coming from the basement family room. When he goes downstairs, he finds his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaims.
The daughter replies, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later, the mother hears the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she finds her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" she asks.
He replies, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."
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A "Yo Mama" Joke
Yo Mama's so fat when she steps on a scale, it says, "We don't do livestock."
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Quote of the Day
Never pass up the opportunity to get laid ... no matter WHO it's with!
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THAT Explains It!
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"
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Smile
[INSPIRATIONAL STORY ALERT]
She smiled at a sorrowful stranger.
The smile seemed to make him feel better.
He remembered the past kindness of a friend
And wrote him a thank you letter.
The friend was so pleased with the thank you
That he left a large tip after lunch.
The waitress, surprised by the size of the tip,
Bet the whole thing on a hunch.
The next day she picked up her winnings,
And gave part to a man on the street.
The man on the street was grateful;
For two days he'd had nothing to eat.
After he finished his dinner,
He left for his small dingy room.
He didn't know at that moment
That he might be facing his doom.
On the way he picked up a shivering puppy
And took him home to get warm.
The puppy was very grateful
To be in out of the storm.
That night the house caught on fire.
The puppy barked as the alarm.
He barked 'til he woke the whole household
And saved everybody from harm.
One of the boys that he rescued
Grew up to be President.
All this because of a simple smile
That didn't cost a cent.
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[CMA STATEMENT:
WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.
THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.
IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.
IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.
AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.]
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Oil n' Lube
[EXTREMELY GROTIE WARNING]
[I seem to recall this one from a loooooong time ago.
It's one that kids tell each other to gross each other out.
It still works! --LYAO Editor]
A young man walks into a whore house and says, "Give me the best prostitute $20 can buy!" The lady takes the guy's $20 and tells him to go upstairs and go into room #5.
He goes up the stairs and walks into room #5. A voice from the restroom hollers, "Strip down baby, I'll be out in a second."
So he strips down, jumps in the sack, and just cant wait to get it on! Finally the lady comes out from the restroom, and he's shocked at what he sees: She's at least in her 80's; her boobs sag and point to her feet; and her bush looks like the two lips of a chimpanzee hanging sideways.
She crawls into bed next to lover-boy and says, "Ok, honey, let's get it on"
The guy thinks, "What the hell, a lay is a lay," so he dims the lights climbs on top of her, pushes his wiener inside, and finds it's as dry as powder.
He says to her, "I don't mean to complain, but you're very dry and it's making it extremely difficult for me to remain aroused."
"Hold on, honey," the old lady says. She gets up and goes into the restroom. She comes out a minute later and crawls back into bed. "Try it now," she says.
Again he mounts up, and slides his wiener inside. Much to his delight it is very slippery and moist, and feels very warm and sensual. The pleasure is all he can take, and he finally does his deed. He just lies on top of the old woman, and regains his breath.
"Lady, that was the best trim I think I've ever had. How on earth did you make it so juicy the way you did?"
She replied, "Well, I went into the bathroom, picked off the scabs, and just let the pus run."
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Faking It
How does a homosexual fake an orgasm?
He pours warm yogurt on his lover's back.
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Disgusting thought for the day ...
I love to give golden showers ...
It's just so damn hard to pee with a boner!
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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