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THAT Explains It! II

Two five-year-old boys are standing at the potty to pee.

One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"

"I've been circumcised," the other one says.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My Mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?"

"You bet it hurt, I couldn't walk for almost a year!"

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Things to Do In an Elevator

• Say "Ding!" at each floor.
• Keep repeating: "I must find a more suitable host body."
• Burp, and then say: "Mmmm, mighty tasty."
• Stand in a corner, facing the wall, and say, "I've been bad," over and over.
• Pass gas.
• Pass gas and move around.
• Pass gas and yell "SSSHHHOOOWWWEEE!" at the top of your lungs.

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Quote of the Day

All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would royalty.

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Gutter Quiz

Write down your answers. Then check what you wrote against the actual answers at the end of the quiz.

1. What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse?
2. What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?
3. What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?
4. What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?
5. Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one of which is a word for a woman?
6. What does a dog do that you can step into?
7. What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one you can use your hands?
8. What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?
9. What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of birdcages?
10. What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?

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V

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V

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V

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V

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V

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V

ANSWERS:

1. (talk)
2. (legs)
3. (a twenty dollar bill)
4. (firetruck)
5. (bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt)
6. (pants)
7. (fork)
8. (Almond Joy candy bar)
9. (grit)
10. (last name)

[Was your mind in the gutter?]

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Dying

Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

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Betty Cocker Recipe

Banana Cake:

Ingredients:

1 Bedroom

2 Smiling Eyes

2 Well Shaped Legs

2 Firm Milk Containers

1 Fur Trimmed Mixing Bowl

1 Large Banana

2 Anxious Nuts

Method:

1. Go to bedroom
2. Look into smiling eyes
3. Separate well shaped legs
4. Squeeze milk containers until trimmed bowl is well greased
5. Add banana
6. Gently work in and out until well greased
7. Cover with nuts

Notes:

• Cake is done when banana is soft.
• Wash utensils - DO NOT LICK BOWL CLEAN!!!
• IF CAKE STARTS TO RISE ... LEAVE TOWN.

Happy Baking.

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Jack be Nimble

Jack went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem, in that, he was unable to get his penis erect. After a complete exam the doctor told Jack that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might be applicable, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in Jack's penis.

Jack thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, Jack decided to go for it. A few weeks after the operation, Jack was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.

However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure, Jack unzipped his fly and immediately his penis sprang from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, and returned to his pants.

His girl friend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "Jack, that was incredible. Can you do that again?"

Jack, with his eyes watering, replied: "I think I can, but I'm not sure that I can fit another roll up my a--!"

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I Could Tell SOMETHING Was Up!

There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink the juice.

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

"No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

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Another Case of One-Upmanship

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night, I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this MORNING?"

"Don't stop."

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The Truth about Barney
[an encore presentation -LYAO Editor]

Try this little Barney-inspired math challenge:

Start with the given	CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR
Change all U's to V's    (which is proper Latin script anyway)	CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR
Extract all the Roman Numerals	C V V L D I V
Convert into Arabic values	100 5 5 50 500 1 5
Add all the numbers	666

Thus, Barney is Satan.

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More "Wright-isms"
(from the mind or in the style of Steven Wright, comedian)

• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
• Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
• I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got in my nose.
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
• Drink til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
• I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gracy.
• If you ain't makin waves, you ain't kickin hard enough.
• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• He who hesitates is probably right.
• Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
• The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
• The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
• Two wrongs are only the beginning.
• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
• Change is inevitable ... except from vending machines.
• Don't sweat petty things ... or pet sweaty things.
• A fool and his money are soon partying.
• Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
• Always try to be modest. And be VERY proud of it!
• If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
• Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
• Attempt to get a new car for your spouse -- it'll be a great trade!
• Everybody repeat after me ... "We are all individuals."
• I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
• Beware of geeks bearing gifts.
• Half the people you know are below average.
• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

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Yuch! What a Way to Go
[This was supposedly a true story. As the title says: What a Way to Go!
Turns out it's not true - see http://www.snopes.com/critters/malice/feces.htm (04/2006) --LYAO Editor]

PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant, Stefan, 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly-and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud.

"The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated.

"It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that happen sometimes-a billion-to-one shot, at least." The heartbreaking tale of constipation and tragedy began April 23 when the conscientious zookeeper noticed that his prize, 8,000-pound African elephant didn't seem to be producing his usual poop aplenty.

"Friedrich had actually been concerned for several days because he knew that severe constipation can kill an elephant," assistant zookeeper Kurt Herrman recalled. "He told me he was going to stay late that Thursday night to treat Stefan with laxatives and possibly give him an enema. I offered to help, but he sent me on home, saying "he had everything under control."

But two hours later, horrified night watchman Walter Pleuger found Friedrich lying lifeless under a mound of muck, his body visible only from the knees down. "I had never really thought about it before," Detective Dern said. "But obviously, giving an elephant an enema can be a very dangerous activity-and not something that should be attempted alone."

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CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
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