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The Government Job

The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers." Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father; a government employee, who attempts to solve the couple's problem by impregnating the wife.

The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive.

Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man should be here soon."

Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell .

Mrs. Smith: "Good morning."

Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to ... "

Mrs. Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you.

Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies, especially twins."

Mrs. Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"

Mrs. Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the right thing to do."

Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."

Mrs. Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"

Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really spread out.

Mrs. Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry and me."

Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results. In fact, my business card says, 'I aim to please.'"

Mrs. Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"

Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that."

Mrs. Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?"

Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London."

Mrs. Smith: "Oh, my!!"

Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

Mrs. Smith: "She was?"

Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under such impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

Mrs. Smith: "Four and five deep?"

Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men restrain her. By that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?"

Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store."

Mrs. Smith: "I just can't believe it."

Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

Mrs. Smith: "TRIPOD?!""

Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting. Mrs. Smith? ... Mrs. Smith? ... My word, she's fainted!

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Charcoal Lighter Extraordinaire
[For those that don't know, this is a true story. Check out the webwite included in the story. --LYAO Editor]<.span>

Is there a coincidence that this engineer was from Indiana??"

LIGHTING CHARCOAL GRILLS

or

WHY ENGINEERS ARE THE WAY THEY ARE ...

Our subject today is lighting charcoal grills. One of our favorite charcoal grill lighters is a guy named George Goble (really!!), a computer person in the Purdue University engineering department.

Each year, Goble and a bunch of other engineers hold a picnic in West Lafayette, Indiana, at which they cook hamburgers on a big grill. Being engineers, they began looking for practical ways to speed up the charcoal-lighting process. "We started by blowing the charcoal with a hair dryer," Goble told me in a telephone interview. "Then we figured out that it would light faster if we used a vacuum cleaner."

If you know anything about (1) engineers and (2) guys in general, you know what happened: The purpose of the charcoal-lighting shifted from cooking hamburgers to seeing how fast they could light the charcoal.

From the vacuum cleaner, they escalated to using a propane torch, then an acetylene torch. Then Goble started using compressed pure oxygen, which caused the charcoal to burn much faster, because as you recall from chemistry class, fire is essentially the rapid combination of oxygen with a reducing agent (the charcoal). We discovered that a long time ago, somewhere in the valley between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers (or something along those lines).

By this point, Goble was getting pretty good times. But in the world of competitive charcoal-lighting, "pretty good" does not cut the mustard.

Thus, Goble hit upon the idea of using - get ready - liquid oxygen. This is the form of oxygen used in rocket engines; it's 295 degrees below zero and 600 times as dense as regular oxygen. In terms of releasing energy, pouring liquid oxygen on charcoal is the equivalent of throwing a live squirrel into a room containing 50 million Labrador retrievers.

On Gobel's Web page (the address is formerly http:// ghg.ecn. purdue.edu/, now http://www.doeblitz.net/ghg/), you can see actual photographs and a video of Goble using a bucket attached to a 10-foot-long wooden handle to dump 3 gallons of liquid oxygen (not sold in stores) onto a grill containing 60 pounds of charcoal and a lit cigarette for ignition.

What follows is the most impressive charcoal-lighting I have ever seen, featuring a large fireball that according to Goble, reached 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit. The charcoal was ready for cooking in -- this has to be a world record -- 3 seconds.

There's also a photo of what happened when Goble used the same technique on a flimsy $2.88 discount-store grill. All that's left is a circle of charcoal with a few shreds of metal in it. "Basically, the grill vaporized," said Goble. "We were thinking of returning it to the store for a refund."

Looking at Goble's video and photos, I became, as an American, all choked up with gratitude at the fact that I do not live anywhere near the engineers' picnic site. But also, I was proud of my country for producing guys who can be ready to barbecue in less time than it takes for guys in less-advanced nations, such as France, to spit.

Will the 3-second barrier ever be broken? Will engineers come up with a new, more powerful charcoal-lighting technology? It's something for all of us to ponder this summer as we sit outside, chewing our hamburgers, every now and then glancing in the direction of West Lafayette, Indiana, looking for a mushroom cloud.

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Top Ten Advertising Slogans Currently Being Considered by Viagra:

10.   "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper"

9.    "Here's the beef!"

8.    "Get a piece of the rock"

7.    "You've come a long way, baby"

6.    "Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em"

5.    "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman

4.    "Tastes great, more filling"

3.    "Viagra, built ram tough"

2.    "Just do her"

and the number one advertising slogan being considered by Viagra:

1    "This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. Any questions?"

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Real Town Trivia:

Have you ever heard of ...

• Tarzan, Texas
• Chicken Head, Florida
• Scarface, California
• Latex, Louisiana

Places I'd rather not live ...

• Paradox, New York
• Crapo, Maryland
• Boogertown, North Carolina
• Spasticville, Kansas
• Hellhole, Idaho
• Purgatory, Maine

What would Freud say about ...

• Climax, Michigan
• Spread Eagle, Wisconsin
• Needmore, Arkansas (Clinton's Home Town?)
• Hardup, Utah
• Big Bogue Homo, Mississippi
• Hornytown, North Carolina
• Conception Junction, Missouri

It doesn't surprise me that there is a ...

• Rudeville, New Jersey
• Boring, Oregon
• Hell, Michigan
• Hooker, California
• Virgin, Utah
• Dulls Corner, Maryland
• Bowlegs, Oklahoma
• Volcano, Hawaii
• Beersville, Pennsylvania
• Fleatown, Ohio
• Burnt Corn, Alabama
• Two Guns, Arizona
• Toad Suck, Arkansas

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Misunderstanding

A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up. After work, she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless panties. She went home and put on the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it. She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him as they had a drink. She slowly spread her legs ...

"Honey, would you like some of this?"

"Hell no, look what it's done to your underwear!"

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Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER

To get to the other side.

PLATO

For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE

It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX

It was a historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY

Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

SADDAM HUSSEIN

This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

JACK NICHOLSON

'cause it f ... g wanted to. That's the f ... g reason.

RONALD REAGAN

I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK

To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES

Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

ARTHUR ANDERSEN CONSULTANT

Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN

The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

MOSES

And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER

You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON

The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI

The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD

Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?

FREUD

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES

I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE

The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

DARWIN

Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

EINSTEIN

Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA

Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON

The chicken did not cross the road ... it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY

To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS

I missed one?

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CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
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If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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