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LYAO -
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Viagra Panic
A ninety-year old man calls his doctor in a panic. "Doctor! You must help me! I took Viagra thirty minutes ago!"
"So?" says the doctor.
"It's because my wife was supposed to be home from work right now for sex. But she just called me and she can't get away from work!"
"So," says the doctor. "What's the problem?"
"What's the problem?!" yells the 90-year old. "That Viagra costs money, good money, and now THIS is going to waste."
"Look," says the doctor jokingly. "You have a beautiful maid there, don't you? Why don't you just go have sex with the maid?"
The old man is fuming. "I don't NEED Viagra to f-ck the maid!"
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Little Johnny at Catholic School
Little Johnny comes home from Catholic school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"
"But Dad, it wasn't my fault," Johnny says. "We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher was in front of me, and she had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me."
"Johnny," the father says. "You don't do those kind of things to women."
Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"
"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher was in front of us and had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Well, with me knowing how she does not like that at all ... I pushed it back in."
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Nun-Sensical
Sister Margaret dies and through some error finds herself in hell.
She immediately calls Saint Peter and says, "This is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!" She explains the situation, and Saint Peter says he'll get right on it.
The next day the nun doesn't hear from Saint Peter, so she calls him again. "Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she begs. "They are planning an orgy for this evening, and they say everyone MUST attend. You've GOT to get me out of here quickly!"
"Of course, Sister Margaret," he says. "I'll get you out of there right away."
Apparently, her plea slips his mind, and the following morning Saint Peter receives another phone call from hell. He knows he has forgotten about Sister Margaret, so he slowly picks up the receiver with sadness and sorrow.
Before he can say anything he hears, "Yo, Pete! This is Maggie. Never mind!"
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Life Lessons
[INSPIRATIONAL STORY ALERT]
A young man was getting ready to graduate from college. For many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer's showroom, and knowing his wealthy father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted. As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car.
Finally, on the morning of his graduation, his father called him into his private study. His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved him. He handed his son a beautifully wrapped gift box. Curiously, and somewhat disappointed, the young man opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible, with the young man's name embossed in gold. Angrily, he raised his voice to his father and said, "With all your money, you gave me a Bible?" and threw the bible on the desk and stormed out of the house.
Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business. He had a beautiful home and a wonderful family, but realized that his father was very old. He thought perhaps he should go to him. He had not seen him since that graduation day.
Before he could make arrangements, he received a telegram telling him that his father passed away and willed all of his possessions to his son. He needed to come home immediately and take care of matters.
When he arrived at his father's house, sudden sadness and regret filled his heart. He began to search through his father's important papers and saw the still new Bible, just as he left it years ago. With tears, he opened the Bible, and begun to turn the pages. His father had carefully underlined a verse - Matthew 7:11, "And if ye, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more shall your Heavenly Father which is in Heaven give to those that ask Him?"
As he read those words, a car key dropped from the back of the Bible. It had a tag with the dealer's name, the same dealer who had the sports car he had desired. On the tag was the date of his graduation, and the words: "PAID IN FULL."
How many times do we miss God's blessings because they are not packaged as we expected?
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[CMA STATEMENT:
WARNING: THE JOKE(S) THAT FOLLOW(S) CONTAIN(S) MORE ADULT CONTENT THAN THE PREVIOUS, AND MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR YOUNGER OR MORE SENSITIVE READERS.
THEREFORE, THE FOLLOWING IS RATED PG-14: NO ONE 14 OR UNDER SHOULD READ THE FOLLOWING WITHOUT PARENTAL GUIDANCE. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 15, LET YOUR PARENTS READ WHAT FOLLOWS FIRST, AND LET THEM DECIDE IF YOU SHOULD.
IF YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF ONE OF THE "MORE SENSITIVE" READERS -- IN OTHER WORDS, YOU ARE OFFENDED OR UPSET BY STRONGER SEXUAL INNUENDO THAN ABOVE, AND "SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT" THROUGH "EXPLICIT" JOKES -- DO NOT CONTINUE READING.
IF WE DO IT THIS WAY, I WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR SENDING THIS TYPE OF "ENTERTAINMENT" THROUGH *LYAO* TO KIDS OR SENSITIVE READERS, AND YOU WON'T GET IN TROUBLE FOR OR UPSET BY READING THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T OR DON'T WISH TO.
AND REMEMBER, THESE ARE JOKES.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.]
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More Man Bashing
[There are so many jokes in here,
I'm not searching the archives to find out if any have been told before.
Let's call them Encore Presentations, if there are any here. --LYAO Editor]
How do you make your wife scream after an orgasm?
Wipe your penis on the curtains.
What's the difference between a golf ball and woman's G-spot?
A man will look 20 minutes for a golf ball.
He: Since I first saw you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She: Well, you succeeded
Why was the blonde's belly button sore?
Her boyfriend was a blonde also.
What part of a woman does a man like looking at best?
The top of her head.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end of it?
So men can be open minded.
Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.
What's the difference between 365 blow jobs and a blimp?
Ones a Goodyear. The other is a great year.
What's the first thing a blonde does when she wakes up?
Walks home.
How can you tell if a man is horny?
He's breathing.
What do oral sex and lobster thermidor have in common?
You can't get either at home.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop to ask directions!
What do men and sperm have in common?
Both have one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
Man is the king of his castle.
A king is a ruler.
A ruler is 12 inches.
Still think you're a man?
Diamonds are a girl's best friend.
Dogs are man's best friend.
So which is the dumber sex?
Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands.
This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.
A single man in his 40's often has a problem finding women at his level of maturity.
That's why he dates someone half his age.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?
Close the door!
So many men ...
... So many reasons not to sleep with any of them!
If they can put one man on the moon,
they should be able to put them all there.
Tell him you are not his type ...
You have a pulse.
Wait for the right man to come along .
but in the meantime have some fun with the wrong ones.
Why is it dangerous to let your man's mind wander?
It's too little to be let out alone.
The only reason men are on the planet is
vibrators can't dance or buy the drinks.
Go for younger men ...
You might as well, they never mature anyway.
There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men .
Don't and stop.
When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite.
Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear miniskirts?
Because their balls show ...
What do you call a fly buzzing around inside a man's head?
A Space Invader.
I finally got my husband to do some gardening, but he broke his legs raking leaves.
He fell out of the tree ...
Why are men lousy cooks
1) Because they don't know how to preheat before they put the meat in.
2) Because every time the cookbook says "double the recipe" they try to heat the oven to 700 degrees.
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them
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Horse Sense
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm, but the farmer can't be found.
So, he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into the mud hole. The chicken yells to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.
The horse says, "I think I can stand over the hole!"
So he stretches over the width of the hole and says, "Grab for my you-know-what and pull yourself up."
The chicken does and pulls himself to safety.
The moral of the story:
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V|
V|
V|
V|
VIf you are hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
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Seconds, Anyone?
[GROTIE WARNING]
A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?"
"Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl."
The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waits, he notices the man next to him is eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remains uneaten.
"Are you going to eat your chili?" he asks.
"No, help yourself," replies his neighbor.
The man picks up a spoon and eagerly begins devouring the chili. When he gets halfway through the bowl, he notices the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he pukes the chili he has just eaten back into the bowl.
"Yeah, I did the same thing," says the man sitting next to him.
LYAO Format, Background & Banner Graphics © 2006 by Bill Sanders -
All rights reserved
CMA Stuff: LYAO is comprised of jokes, stories, urban legends and other things received by me via email.
I clean them up, removing forwarding headers and footers,
fixing most grammar and punctuation, and re-formatting them.
PLEASE NOTE: Copyrights remain with the owners/original writers.
If any copyrights have been violated, please let me know and I will attribute or remove the offending item.
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